Title: Just Once
Author: JuliaKerns5!! Or Julia, for those of you who know me.
Rating: T or M. Implied sexual situations.
Era: MWPP or 1970s
Status: Oneshot – Maybe twoshot? I dunno
Disclaimer: I don't own any of it. Got my idea from a wonderful video on YouTube.
Warning: Slashorama!! YAY!
Word Count: 1,881
Genre: Romance and slight angst. It's sort of tragic too.
Ending: Well, basically it ends with Remus unhappy. So unhappy, because they don't end up together.
AN: It's sort of angsty, so it's great to be reading while listening to 'Bolero' from Moulin Rouge. Review please!!
Current Setting: Bridge used in PoA
"I mean… we're still best friends, right?"
"I guess. Yeah."
Sirius wrapped his scarf farther around his neck as his hair slightly moved in the wind. He turned to look at Remus questionably, his cheeks red from the cold.
"When were we not?"
Remus shrugged slightly, his expression unreadable. "I… I'm not sure."
Sirius laughed softly, feeling the werewolf shift closer slightly.
He gave out a gentle shiver.
"How's it going with that Ravenclaw boy who asked you out on Thursday?"
Remus looked downwards awkwardly, his mouth slightly open in a silent response that didn't come out. "I actually wanted to talk to you about that."
Sirius raised an eyebrow in response and turned slightly to face Remus, who restlessly crossed over to Sirius' other side and looked stonily into his eyes.
"I don't have a problem with you being gay, Moony," Sirius said quickly with a sigh. "I already told you that."
Flurries were falling down upon them as Remus' gaze didn't unlock with Sirius'.
"I know that."
"So how is it with him? Have you shagged him yet?"
Remus looked upwards irritably, as though trying to say something but was refraining form doing so.
"None of your business." He finished softly, moving his arm away from the bridge and curling it around one of the poles.
"Come on," Sirius said with a grin. "I tell you everything."
Remus sighed, staring into the white abyss. "Let it go, Sirius," He said quietly. Remus let his head fall slightly with a laugh. "Well, it's just not to be a fool."
"Not to be a fool?"
"I mess up too, Sirius. I… I don't have any experience in certain fields if you know what I mean," He looked with a certain worry shining in his eyes as his head turned to face Sirius'. Sirius nodded slowly, knowing that this wasn't the moment to laugh since Remus was obviously serious about this. "I just don't want to look like a total freak in front of my boyfriend."
Sirius looked down, not entirely sure how he could help Remus. He didn't want to keep Remus waiting, so he thought as fast as he could. He definitely couldn't make a quick decision now, but he wasn't exactly sure what Remus was asking of him. He felt his scarred hand rest on his limp one hanging over the bridge.
He didn't want to disappoint Remus in such an important thing to him.
"Is it your first time, Rem?" He asked slightly embarrassingly. Remus nodded with the same concern in his face.
"That's why I wanted to my first time to be with someone experienced. Someone… someone like you."
Sirius still was not looking at Remus, and still didn't know what he was asking of him.
"I… what are you asking of me?"
He looked up.
Remus swayed slightly, as though he wanted to quickly lean forward and lay his hand on Sirius' chest to bring across his point. But he stayed where he was with some difficulty.
"No strings attached, Sirius."
Sirius' eyes widened slightly as Remus' message sunk in.
"N-No strings? Just sex?"
The werewolf's eyes were doubtful but full of pleading. "Please?" He whispered. "I don't want to appear inept to my first time. With… with you it wouldn't be a big deal."
Sirius nodded in understanding, but wasn't agreeing to it quite yet.
"Wouldn't you mind having me be your… your first?"
He looked down, waiting for Remus to back out and walk away and not leave him in this awkward situation and heat of decisions of letting Remus down.
It's not like he hadn't done it before. Multiple girls and even a few boys had been in his four-poster before. But this was different. This…this was Remus. One of his best friends and fellow marauders… he had never pictured him as a bed partner before.
He felt a hand on his shoulder and looked up to Remus, who was smiling tentatively. "I definitely wouldn't mind."
And with that Remus let his hand drape off of his shoulder and stepped back a step.
"I'll let you think about it."
The next second Remus was a blur at the very end of the bridge, gone.
Sirius wasn't even sure if the conversation had even happened. It had seemed so surreal and out-of-Remus for such a quiet, shy boy.
And what the hell had that meant when Remus had told him that he wouldn't mind sleeping with Sirius at all.
Current Setting: Sirius' bed in the dormitories with James."That's why I wanted to my first time to be with someone experienced. Someone… someone like you."
Sirius sighed, lying down on his bed with his hand behind his head and his eyes staring hard and stony at the ceiling.
"He… he asked a lot of me."
"He said no strings attached."
"But it makes things awkward." Sirius said, shutting his eyes.
"How do you know things would be different? Remus would be with his boyfriend. Besides. You've fucked before." James said from the corner of the four-poster, the hangings shut around them. James was leaning exhaustingly against the corner pole.
"I know. But that wasn't Remus."
"What does it matter? Unless you fancy him it isn't that big of a deal."
"But I don't fancy Remus." Sirius told him.
"Sirius," James said firmly. "How many girls have you been with?"
Sirius sighed. "When I was fourteen I was with two girls. When I was sixteen I was with three. So five."
"And how many guys have you been with?"
"When I was fifteen I was with two of them and that was all."
James looked expectantly at Sirius. "You've had a lot of experience, Sirius."
"Remus came to you because he knew that."
Sirius stayed silent.
"He's your friend," James told him. "Friends help each other out."
He sighed, rolling over onto his side. "But this isn't helping a friend."
"Then what is it?"
"It's fucking a friend."
"Which would help Remus," James told him insistently. "What makes him so different from all of the other girls?"
"He's my friend. Not my lover."
"You wouldn't become his lover, Sirius. He said that it would be just once."
Sirius sighed angrily, turning back onto his back and sitting up. James leaned only a slight bit closer.
"Teach him what it feels like to be a real man." James told him gravely.
Current Setting: Right after Remus' Muggle Studies and Sirius' Herbology in the hallway.
He walked up to Remus the next day, his hands slipping onto his shoulders quickly. Remus whirled around.
"Do you want to do this?" He asked swiftly before saying yes to something Remus didn't even want to do anymore.
Remus' mouth fell open in surprise. "Oh. Yes – yes I do."
"Then you'll get it." Sirius said loudly before he would regret it, squeezing Remus' arm.
Remus looked up at him with a slight smile. "You're a good friend, Sirius." He said, before rushing off.
Current Setting: The Gryffindor common room.
Teach him what it feels like to be a real man.
Sirius swallowed, his arms wrapped around his knees and his back pressed into a dusty and dark corner next to the fireplace. Remus is leaning against the brick of the fireplace, looking concernedly at Sirius.
"It's okay if you're nervous. It's okay if you don't want to do this anymore."
"No," Sirius said quietly, looking over. "I told you I was gonna do it. I will."
Remus laid his hand on Sirius'. "This is your first time with a friend too." He said with worried eyes.
"Yeah. We can… give it a shot," Sirius asked impassively from the corner, darkness on most of his face as an eerie shadow. "I mean afterwards… let's not get weird." He told himself determinedly and more or less commanded to Remus softly.
They were both on the bed, sitting up nervously, when suddenly it had happened. Remus was kissing him. Sirius was kissing back. His clothes were gone. Remus' clothes were gone. They were both almost wrestling under the sheets, and both of them were as breathless as the other.
Panting, moaning, groaning, sweating. Slick, hot, passionate.
It was over faster than it had started.
If it was only for practice… why was Sirius feeling like it was more than practice?
If it had only been for Remus' benefit… then why was the night hotter and sweatier than the nights he had spent with girls that he actually had wanted to fuck?
If it had only been so Remus wouldn't look like a freak in front of his new boyfriend… then why was Remus being overly possessive of Sirius?
There had been silence for more than a week. Just grabs and touches. Coming only from Remus. Sirius was positive that Remus never ended up sleeping with his boyfriend.
"How is it with the Ravenclaw?" James asked one morning, and Sirius could feel Remus' gaze turning to him silently and back. He ignored it, looking at his plate stonily.
Remus was silent.
"Did you sleep with him?" Sirius finally managed to ask unemotionally.
"No. I never did."
"Taking that I'm not with him anymore, no." Remus said awkwardly, his voice quiet.
"Hey, Sirius," Someone asked suddenly, and the four boys looked up to see one of the Gryffindor girls looking shyly at Sirius. He felt Remus grab his wrist. "I just wanted to ask you something."
"What is it?" Sirius asked with a slight grin, trying casually to shake Remus' hand off.
"I was wondering if you'd like to go to the next Hogsmeade visit with me."
He felt Remus' grip tighten instinctively.
"Sure." He answered hastily, and got up from the bench, indicating that he was done with the conversation and with breakfast.
He gave Remus a look, and then muttered. "I need to talk to you." Remus stood up as well, a rather appalling looking on his face. Sirius dragged his hand slightly, until Remus was following him out of the Great Hall, where he stood against the wall.
"Look, Remus," He whispered urgently. "Just because we had sex doesn't mean we're boyfriend and girlfriend."
"Oh, so to you it was just another fuck?"
"I never said it was just another fuck."
Remus bit his lip, looking sideways. When he turned back there were tears in his eyes.
"Look, Sirius, I may have never noticed this before, but when we a week ago, I know what I felt."
"What are you talking about, Remus?"
"I mean, Sirius, that I love you, even though I haven't noticed it since that night." Remus told him, wiping under his eyes hastily.
"But – but your boyfriend–"
"Holy Christ, Sirius, I told you that I never slept with him!" Remus hissed at him.
"So you're saying… you're saying that you love me?"
Remus pushed Sirius away. "You know, Sirius," He said hurtfully. "Just forget about it. Forget about all of it. Forget what I said and forget that we ever fucked." He said, walking away from him in obvious sobs of tears.
He would always love Sirius, even though his ending was shattered and his love would never be mutual.