The Master's View on His Own Sins
Summary:Nothing big, just something to pair with the last one. Slash HW
Disclaimer: Don't own them.
Author's notes: This is nothing really important or, serious. Holmes is OOC and as I told you guys before, I'm not good enough to make a good Holmes story. Thak you very much to all who reviewed my last fic. You honor me deeply.
My dear Watson...
These words come to me as air to my lungs.
I savor them as one would to a good Italian wine. None notices. My acting skills sharp as ever. They sound patronizing and mocking.
Exactly as I want then to sound. For me, these words were my only chance to call you dear without being suspected of, my only chance to call you mine, though I knew you were not.
They were specially devised to make you feel stupid. So that you would retreat from me, and I would never have to see you again. My perfect plan... Which failed completely. One of the few that did. For every time I said the words, I would be rewarded with a smile. A smile so uniquely Watson that I made sure to make the joke more often, with the intention of getting one more glimpse of it.
My Dear Watson…
Those were the words that betrayed me.
That morning I had gone to your room to wake you, for we had an appointment early and I had no wish to be late. I knocked, but no sound could be heard from inside. I dared my way in and that was my mistake.
I approached your bed blindly, ignoring all the details your room could give me in regards of you. After all, I knew then all by heart.
I never tire myself of observing you. Especially when I can do it without worrying about you noticing it. As for example, when you are slumbering. That morning was no exception. I fell pray to my bad habits. I watched your sleep, and, not able to restrain myself I let out with my breath.
"My dear Watson…"
The words on my lips for the first time were true to its meaning, shed of all masks.
You opened your eyes in that moment, wide as Mrs. Hudson's tea saucers. I had been caught in the act. You knew.
Although my legs could barely move, I left the room the fastest I could. I ran and hid. My shame too heavy for me to bear. The look of surprise in your eyes… I knew it soon would turn to disgust. I had seen it happen.
I couldn't breath. Dramatic as it may sound, I couldn't do anything except to think it was all over.
I wasn't worried about my career, the gallows nor my reputation.
I had tried life without you after meeting you and those were the 3 most trying years of my existence.
I lusted for my revolver. I wanted so desperately to pull the trigger and free you of the shame of being desired in such a blasphemous way by me… For I had desired you with every fiber of my being. I had desired you more than I had anything else. I'm not an ambitious man; you of all people know that.
YOU are, were and always will be my great weakness.
I gave up my life and career those 3 years to protect you. If I knew you'd be safe I would have given much more.
You knocked at my door and I opened a slit telling you to go away. I was looking at you but my mind was on the pistol on my drawer that I so longed to reach in the moment I had regained my movements. I made to closed the door but you blocked it.
I couldn't read you. You, who had been like an open book just moments before. I was an emotion wreck. I hated me so for that I could have spit on myself.
I demanded to know what was happening.
Unceremoniously, you punched me.
I didn't move. It was your right to do anything you wanted with me. I was yours. I was a silly middle-aged man in love with you. I prepared for more, knowing full well I didn't have any wish or strength to react.
Refuting my thoughts, what I felt next was a pair of cold-cracked lips framed by a moustache and to my utter surprise and sheer delight they were laid on mine.
For an instant, I thought I had gone through with the pistol idea and didn't remember it. I couldn't grasp the reality of it all. It was… too much like my own dreams.
I gave up any pretense of fighting back or else.
I just kissed you back.
I just let myself fall into temptation.
I let myself drown in you…
For, at that moment, you were all that was left of me.