Disclaimer: Not mine.
Rating: Eh... 13+ Pairing: Shep/Weir Archive: Please ask.
Notes: Bits of this have been spammed here and there. Was inspired by those crappy "They get a baby, and the OTP are Magically In Tune to the Baby." There is no William here.

The One With The Baby In It by ALC Punk!

"Swear to God, it's not mine."

Dr. Elizabeth Weir raised an eyebrow at Major John Sheppard. She suppressed a smile. "No?"

"Really!" The subject of his objections chose that moment to open its mouth and squall. Loudly.

"I suppose you're going to tell me you and your team found it in a cabbage patch." She was definitely smirking now.

Oooh. She was mocking him. She was SO paying. Later. When his ears weren't ringing. "Look, Doctor--"

"And what have we here?" Dr. Beckett had arrived, full medical team in tow. He took one look at the crying baby and stepped back. "Where the hell did that come from?"

"The usual place," snapped Rodney McKay. He was almost as far from the baby as Beckett was. "Alien woman falls for Sheppard, she bequeaths him a token of her love. In this case, a baby."

"A baby." Weir was still smirking. "Major Sheppard, is this child going to be your new responsibility? Should I have your team taken off active duty until you've worked out a feeding and care schedule for it?"

"It's a her." Ford said, his voice amused. "And you're holding her wrong, Major. That's why she's complaining."

"Well, here, YOU take her, then."

Before the younger man could protest, he unloaded the child and stepped back, wrinkling his nose. Gah. Kids. Babies. SO not what he'd signed up for.

"Major, you debrief in one hour. I suggest you get the token of your love settled."

Oh, if he could kill her with a look she'd be dead. So dead.

"Major, I'll take her to the infirmary." Ford was grinning like a maniac. "Oh, and, sir?"

"Yes?"

"Does she have a name?"

"I don't know!"

--

"From all accounts she's a completely human, healthy, nine or ten month old child." Beckett made a face. "With one exception to the completely human rule."

"Oh?" Raising an eyebrow Elizabeth concentrated on not laughing at the way Sheppard was fidgeting.

"She has a tail."

"It's a very cute little tail," Ford piped up. He was still grinning like an idiot. Teyla occasionally patted him on the head.

"So," said Elizabeth, striving to keep her voice even. "Baby Sheppard has a tail."

A strangled squawking sound came from the Major.

She shot him a glance. "Yes, Major?"

"She isn't mine!"

"She was gifted to you."

"We're NOT CALLING HER BABY SHEPPARD!"

"Then what are we calling her?"

"Lizzie."

Her eyes narrowed dangerously. "I don't think so, Major. How about Sally?"

"That's boring." Ford was almost bouncing in his seat. "Can I name her?"

"NO!" The shout came from at least three throats.

"Damn." Looking slightly crestfallen, the young man perked up when Teyla absently patted his head again.

"Major, did the natives of the planet have tails?" Dr. Weir looked almost serious now. Perhaps she was trying to screw him again. Obviously.

"No, Dr. Weir, they didn't."

"Perhaps," Beckett mused, "They fall off as they grow older."

"I don't know." snapped Sheppard, "I--"

"Major?" Weir's eyebrow was up, "Are you telling me you have no first-hand knowledge of the alien woman's physiology?"

"No!" He paused, "We didn't get that far before she gave me a token of her esteem. And McKay..." He paused again and glared at the scientist. "Had a thousand experiments he just suddenly had to get back to."

"What can I say, I'm a busy man, Major." But Rodney was smirking and Weir suddenly wondered if he'd known.

She fought back a smirk of her own. "All right. Teyla, would your people be able to support another mouth to feed?"

The alien woman tilted her head to the side, then nodded. "I shall speak with Halling. I do not believe it will be much of a hardship for our people to absorb yet another foundling." She half-smiled. "As soon as we have decided on a name."

"Well," McKay said, "I'm partial to Rodney."

"She's a girl, you idiot." Sheppard objected. "And Rodney's a crappy name. How about Sorsha?"

Beckett snorted. "If she has red hair, we may all be in trouble in twelve or thirteen years."

"Fine, doc, YOU name her."

"Shannon."

"Shannon Sheppard, now that's alliteration," quipped McKay. "Why not name her Shannon Sheep-Shearing Sheppard?"

"Rodney."

The doctor smirked, "I'm just making a suggestion, Major."

"Well, you can keep your damned suggestions to yourself, Rodney." Sheppard snapped in irritation. He looked at Dr. Weir, "What would you name her?"

"Why not something simple, like Marie?"

"Marie." He rolled the name around, then nodded, "Marie it is." He looked at Teyla in concern, "And your people will be okay with the--tail?"

"Indeed, Major. I'm sure it will cause little concern." The Athosian smiled sweetly, then turned to Elizabeth. "Doctor Weir, if you will give me an escort to the mainland, I will see the child delivered. I feel certain that Halling will not be able to turn her away."

"Done." Elizabeth stood. "Meeting adjourned. And Major, Doctor, I expect both your reports on my desk by morning."

--

"By morning, hrm?"

Elizabeth snuggled back into his arms on the couch and sighed, "Within reason, Major."

He kissed the back of her neck and breathed in her scent. "Does reason include being driven nuts by a gorgeous woman?"

"Maybe."

John settled against the back of the couch, his arms tightening around her, his chin resting on the top of her head. "Oh, good. So I can file my report mid-morning. Y'know, to make up for staying up all night."

"All night, Major?"

"It sounded like a good idea at the time," he replied mildly.

"For you, maybe." She didn't move from his arms. "But some of us actually have to be awake for early morning briefings."

"I have it on good authority that you can get by on two hours' sleep and still scare the pants off Kolya 48 hours later." He informed her, absently rubbing his chin against her hair. He sniffed, "Did you get a new shampoo?"

"Teyla brought some back from the mainland the last time she went. Said it would help with the growing lack of stores." A sigh escaped her. "I really do need to sleep, John. There are inventory forms to go over tomorrow if I'm to have the treaty ready for the summit. And we need this treaty."

His grip tightened, and then he released her. "I know." His hands wandered up and smoothed her neck and shoulders. "And you worry too much."

"You worry too little." A smirk appeared on her lips, "Besides, weren't you getting some alien tail on your latest mission, Major?"

"I'll have you--" he broke off, glaring at her. "Doctor, I take great offence at that accusation."

"She even gave you a child."

"Which we gave to the Athosians."

"And no sex." Elizabeth stood, still smirking. "Seems an unfair trade."

He dragged himself up and caught her firmly in his arms. "Not when I have you to come back to."

They both froze, and Elizabeth tipped her head back to study him, then nodded, "I suppose you do."

"I didn't mean it like that."

She stepped away from him, "It's all right, Major. You can mean it any way you like."

"Oh, no--" He caught her hand. "Elizabeth."

She turned to looked at him, and said, her voice quiet, "John. It's all right."

"Look, it was just flirting."

"I know."

"Nothing happened."

She sighed, "Major, I'm aware of that."

"And--"

"And if something had happened, I'd merely be upset at the breach in protocol, Major. Nothing more."

"So..." He blinked, "Wait. Why are you upset, then?"

"I'm not upset."

"Yes you are."

"No, I'm-- John."

"Liz."

"Can we go to bed now?"

"Only if you tell me why you're upset."

She blinked at him, "It's nothing."

"It isn't nothing," he contradicted.

"Is."

"Isn't."

"Is."

"Isn't."

A giggle escaped her. "Major, we are not five."

"No, we're not. So talk, Dr. Weir."

She leaned closer, "Going to torture the information out of me?"

"No."

"I don't like sharing you."

"You're not."

Her eyebrows went up, "And the child was just a token of her... affection for the Atlantis expedition as a whole."

"So you do like me." John realized he was grinning goofily.

Elizabeth blinked at him. "I'm going to bed, Major."

"Cool." He slung an arm around her shoulders and walked with her. "You like me. Huh." He shot her a glance. "This isn't going to turn into the kind of jealousy that includes mud-wrestling, is it?"

"No."

"Oh." He considered. "Damn."

She glared at him.

"Hey! I can't help thinking you'd be sexy in nothing but mud."

Her eyebrows shot up again. "I'll keep that in mind, Major."

"You will, huh?"

They'd stopped at her quarters, and he waited for her to invite him in. "Mhm." She stepped in and turned. "Good night, Major."

"Wait, you're--" John actually felt his shoulders slump. God, he was pathetic. "Elizabeth?"

She blinked at him.

"I don't like sharing you, either," he managed, mumbling.

"That's sweet, John." Her hand patted his upper arm. "Now why don't you go get some sleep. You've got a big day of report-turning-in tomorrow."

He squirmed, "I'd rather not sleep alone. My bed is cold." He put on his best puppydog look. The one that had gotten him out of more trouble than he cared to remember.

"Nice try, Major." She started to close the door.

"Wait!"

"Yes?"

He bent forward and kissed her.

A hand clamped on his collar.

He smirked as her tongue slid into his mouth and she yanked him into the room. Yup. Definitely not sleeping alone.

-f-