Let me tell you a story that you most likely won't believe. Just to be fair and to give warning to all you prudes out there (I was one too…was being key word here…) this unbelievable story is about…you guessed it…sex. Raunchy, unadulterated, hot, orgasmic, rough (did I mention hot?!) sex! Let me fill you in on the basics: my name is Serena Tanelian (I know it rhymes with chameleon, hahaha laugh it up, I thought 6th grade was over!). Ummm…hmmm…let's see what else do you need to know…I'm 28 years old, I'm a law student who works at a law firm as a secretary, though school is out for the summer WOOHOO!, I'm not married, I live with my cat, 5 foot 4 inches, one hundred pounds…maybe in my left butt cheek but it feels good to say "100 pounds". Yes, I'm a large woman. I'm big but beautiful, who are you to judge! I'm actually 212 pounds but tell everyone I'm 180. My long blonde hair makes me look a little smaller, how, I'm not quite sure, but again, it makes me feel better if I tell myself that. I think my big blue eyes attract attention to my adorable face and deflect it away from my ass.
Speaking of asses, let me start my story from the beginning with the biggest ass of them all…Darien. I met Darien in a newspaper ad. He was supposed to be one of those self esteem booster people like the really skinny, beautiful models they put on Oprah to help the 300 pound 16 year old teenage girl feel better about herself but afterwards she just feels like eating a big box of Godiva chocolates… mixed with Arsenic. That's Darien, gorgeous and with a butt you could bounce a quarter off! But he's also a "sex tutor". It's for people like me who can't get a good date except for those that are really desperate and think I'll put out just because I'm "the fat chick". Incase you haven't guessed…I'm still a virgin, sorta. I had a bad experience at 17 and nothing's happened since then so I'm practically a virgin. Yes, a 28 year old virgin who is not a nun. So let's go back about 1 week ago…
----------1 week Ago-----------
I lay sprawled out across a bed of silk, naked as the day my mother gave birth to me. My handsome husband hold me close and seductively strokes my skin and kisses my ear, neck, collarbone and slowly starts to descend until he reaches my-
"Serena, bring me a cup of coffee." A husky, arrogant voice snapped over the intercom bringing me back to the sad reality called my life.
"Right away, sir." I answer back sweetly.
I roll away from desk and maneuver myself out of my chair. I straighten out my black Lane Bryant skirt (I got a fabulous deal on it, only $13!) and adjust my pink sweater from riding up too far up my back. I walked into the break room and poured the fuckhead…I mean…my boss a cup of coffee.
"What took so long, Tanelian?" He snorted as soon as I opened the large oak door. He sat with his back to me in the oversized leather office chair behind his mahogany desk. He had an amazing view of New York City from here. We were 70 stories up and I don't think he even took a moment our of his "busy schedule" of hitting on all the secretaries (sans me) and hiding his porn to notice what was behind him!
Most women found him attractive and I would too, if he weren't such an arrogant, chauvinistic, sexist pig…and the dyed platinum blonde hair with the tan-in-a-can spray.
"Sorry sir, I had to find another box of sugar packets." I stammered as I sat the hot cup on his desk.
Would you believe the ass didn't even say thank you!? He just kept looking down and reading his paper not once acknowledging me!
"Is that all, sir?"
He spun around to face me
"Did I say I wanted anything else?"
"No sir." I looked down; I could feel my face flushing every shade of red imaginable.
"Then what does that tell you?"
I didn't even make eye contact as I flew out of the room as fast as I could. I felt like crying. Aside from the fact it was that wonderful time of month and I wanted nothing more then to be at home in my cozy little apartment in my sweat pants cuddled up on the couch with my cat, I hated the way he always made me feel…worthless and stupid.
I went home that night and ate carry out from the little Chinese restaurant down the street. I stuffed sweet n' sour chicken in mouth and sipped on the bottle of red wine that's been sitting in my fridge three New Year's Eve's ago. I wiped the tears from eyes as I sat at the dining room table…alone. Not even my cat, Luna, wanted to come out and greet me or keep me company. God, how pathetic! My own cat can't stand me either! I threw down the fork and just sat there and sobbed. I held my head in my hands and cried like I always did when I came home from work. I got up from the table and sulked my way into my bedroom and collapsed on the bed hugging the pillow tight for comfort. Luna came out from hiding and curled up next to me softly purring. I scratched her head a little and looked out the oversized window into the city's night sky.
"Someday Luna, I won't always be alone. You're the only friend I have." I talked to her between sobs and hiccups.
I cried a little more and drifted off into a deep sleep.
I sat in the break room by myself as usual poking at my lunch. I didn't feel like eating. I sipped on my Diet Coke and looked around the dingy white room for something to read, a magazine, newspaper, anything! I got up from the ugly orange table and put my lunch in the trash. I noticed someone had thrown out a paper so I garbage picked it. Bastard should've recycled! I read all about Paris going to jail, and Britney getting out of rehab and gas prices giving us a kick in the ass. For the hell of it I decided to look in the classifieds. That's when I saw it. The ad of all ads. The one little 3 x 3 square that would change my life forever.
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My prayers have been answered. No more feeling worthless or stupid for me. I was going to be a new Serena. A better Serena. A happy Serena.