A Hero's Descent Into Religious Zeal, Albeit Under Extreme Duress From External Sources
"Look, you can't just-"
"But Wally and I have been best friends since-"
"I don't care how long you two have been friends! That does not excuse what I saw you two doing."
"Yes, kissing. Any and all respect I had for you is gone."
"But you kind of respect Deathstroke, a mass murderer, for his intellect. You must still respect me somehow. At least more than him!"
"Slade Wilson may have slaughtered millions, including his own son, but at least he does not relish in repulsive homo-erotic fantasies with other boys!"
"I thought you'd be the last person to care about something like-"
"You've put shame on the name of the Bat."
"No one saw us!"
"I saw you. God saw you."
"Your soul will be barred from the glorious gates of God's eternal kingdom for this! Tell me, was your sick indulgence worth the price of eternal love and glory? Well?"
"Bruce, what are you babbling about? It was just a kiss, can't you let it go?"
"You are dead to me, Dick. The only way to regain my trust…is to ask for forgiveness."
"For kissing someone?"
"For kissing another male."
"To the alter, Nightwing!"
"To the what? What alter? Holy…what happened to the Batcave?"
"It has been cleansed of evil. False idols I once obsessed over have been purged from this now holy place."
"Where's the nickel? Mr. Freeze's gun? Joker's card? My costume rack…your costume rack? Is…is that a-"
"Thirty foot high iron cross shrouded in an eternal aura of holy water? Yes. Oh, and by the way, Alfred has recently become a minister."
"What the...okay, never mind. Where's the computer?"
"I don't need it for my new mission. All I need now is a voice and my pocket Bible, my son."
"Your pocket Bible? And…what did you just call me?"
"Go to the cross! Pray, beg for forgiveness! I will not be held responsible if your soul undergoes eternal damnation for your disgusting display of homosexuality."
"Bruce, seriously, what the hell is going on-"
"No! Not Bruce! Not here."
"I'm not Batman any longer, child, for I could be mistaken as a false idol for others to worship!"
"Bruce, Gotham's scared of you, not worshipping-"
"I am now Bibleman! I alone can save the souls of all the psychopaths in Gotham. I alone will bring God's all inclusive love to them! But you, Robin…you might just be beyond saving, for God's all inclusive love does not extend as far as dirty homosexuals!"
"Gosh darn it, Dick, on your knees! Pray! And we need to change your name; it's obscene and offensive like your sexuality. I'll be out sharing the good news with Joker and Harley Quinn. Surely they will see the light!"
"…I am going to kill Kid Crusader."
Yes, this is humor. No, I do not have anything against homosexuals; I have friends that are gay. Yes, this was all very sarcastic. Yes, I was mocking. Please don't send me complaints about gay bashing, thank you.
This is something of an inside joke, but I still thing most will find it funny regardless. Yes, I am poking fun at fundamentalist Christians, because for the most part they're so hypocritical that it makes me wish I wasn't affiliated with Chrisitanity at all (which I am, so please no reviews saying that I should go burn in hell. Actually, that's a lie, send 'em my way. I love to laugh). Originally written for TitansgoDOTnet's Author Idol humor/dialogue challenge, I'm now posting it here because I liked it enough to share. Who knows, maybe I'll make a couple more chapters. I have...ideas. There's a lot of inside joking in this, and a good amount of innuendo if you can read between the lines. Fwee.
(And if you want to fit this into DC continuity...I don't know, maybe Kid Crusader's reaching out to strike at ALL the Titans, not just the current ones, so he go and zealous-ifies Bruce. Not that it's likely, but it's amusing to think about. And the Dick/Wally pairing is another inside joke that mushroomed into something very real. I'm personally not an avid shipper, but it works in this case. Yay for boys kissing!)