AUTHOR'S NOTE: There isn't a hell of a lot of history on Teague Sparrow… so, LAY OFF!!! IT'S FICTION!!! FICK- SHUN!!!! I CAN MAKE UP WHATEVER I WANT!!! We DO, however, know that Jack's mom was Indian… but we don't know her name… so I made up a fitting one… AWE WAS AWESOME!!!! I LOVE JACK!!! Oh, and I apologize to anyone named "Gillian"
I don't know WHY I have to say "Dear DIARY"… you're a freaking book… like you'd even know what the hell I'm talking about… I'm only writing in you because my psychiatrist says it's "healthy"… well, screw me "health"… what has health ever done for me? Oh, wait- never mind… just forget that last sentence.
Well, writing letters to an inanimate object isn't the craziest thing I've done in my life so I'll quit bitching…
And, now, the first thing on my list of "things that really suck" (drum roll please)…
I'm a dad!! Yay!!
No. Not yay. That was sarcasm, you moron.
That one Indian girl is the mom… her name is Mary Sue or something or other… I told her "Look, I ain't being that stupid baby's FATHER… I didn't sign up for this."
And, boy, can she YELL. I mean, my ears are still ringing… she was all "This is our CHILD, Teague!! How can you be so insensitive, blah blah blah- this baby is yours and we need to take care of it- blah blah blah."
Nagger. Little Miss Nagging nagger-ton. Nag nag nag nag nag, geez, do women ever shut up? Ooh… shouldn't have said that… she's living with me now and I'm pretty sure she's going through my stuff. Oh, I met her in India, while doing a little errand for the East India Company… those jerks. And, now, she thinks – JUST because she's got my kid- she can just waltz into my life and follow me around!! JUST like that! GOD, Pregnant women do the weirdest things!!
Well, anyway, and this part was THREE HOURS AGO, and I mentioned a possible just maybe, maybe, maybe abortion for the baby… … my wounds are still bleeding. I don't think the one on my thigh will heal.
Its not that I don't have anything against the kid… it's just… I don't think I'm ready for a kid running around my ship… but, then again, I DO need a successor, someone to give the piece of eight…
Oh, and that's another thing… I don't think I wanna' be a pirate lord either (I'm the Lord of Madagascar, by the way, Diary…) I guess it's just tiring…
Hey, I think my psychiatrist is right… this is actually kinda' soothing… like a massage… ooh, I like those- especially on my calves… but it's not, like, a girl thing!! Diaries can be masculine too, right? Right? No?
Oh, crud, I'm in denial… that sucks.
You know what, Diary? I'm going to do something manly… I'm going to play my guitar. I'll show you, you stupid pieces of paper!! Yeah, yeah- that's it!! YOU'RE just PAPER!!! AHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! PAPER!!!!!!! SUCK ON THAT!!!!!!
This is awkward.
I don't know WHY I still address you, you stupid little book. Oh, and I KNOW what you're thinking- so, just get OFF my back… so what if I ignored you for 21 days? You're inanimate! Shut up!! SHUT UP!!!
I'm calming down, now…
Alright… Mary Sue and I bought some stuff for the kid… that one I told you about a few weeks ago? Well… "bought". That's what I told Mary… I bagged a few blankets and stuff from some blind dude… hah!
And I got a letter from my mom… God, that's creepy because I thought I told her I was in Japan… how the heck did she know where to send me a LETTER? I don't even have a house, really. What's even CREEPIER is that she somehow knew I was becoming a dad… I am getting VERY concerned about my personal privacy, now… She was, like, "TEAGUE!!! OH MY GOD, YOU'RE A DAD!?!?!? MAKE SURE YOU GIVE THIS TO THE BABY!!! DON'T DO THIS, DON'T DO THAT!!! IF YOU GIVE THAT NICE LADY A HARD TIME, I WILL TRACK YOU DOWN LIKE A FOX ON A RABBIT ND KILL YOU!!!! SHE'S PREGNANT, FOR GOD SAKES!!! DON'T YOU HURT MY GRANDBABY!!!!"
I can hear her profanities now….
Well, anyway- then Mary Sue and I discussed names. I didn't know why… MY mom just came up with "Teague" on the spot… but Mary Sue was, like, "No-ooooooo!! WE gotta' do it NOW!!!"
So, if it's a girl (God forbid, because I can't handle ONE woman, let alone a screaming one I have to feed…) here's the list of names we're gonna' consider:
I looked at her funny when she mentioned the name "Gillian"… I mean, what kind of name is THAT? I'm sorry, but I will NOT introduce my next of kin as "The Honorable Daughter of the Pirate Lord of Madagascar: Gillian"
I didn't think that "Lovette" was a name, either- but she INSISTS it is…
And, now, the boy's names:
Teague (I think this is the BEST name)
I HATE that name… HATE it, HATE it HAAAAAAAAAAATE IT!!!!!!!!
I mean, LISTEN to it: JACK, JACK, JACK, JACK, JACK!!! It rhymes with "ACK" and, therefore, can NOT be good name. I REALLY want his (I'm VERY confident that it's going to be male… my chromosomes will see me through… I just know it.) name to be "Teague" or something with Teague in it.
Oh, oh- I know what you're thinking, "Ooooooooh… Teague's so vain, Teague's so full of himself- la la la la la!"
Well, I'm NOT.
If anything, YOU are, you moronic diary. YOU'RE the stupid one… STUPID!!
That conversation right there is EXACTLY why I didn't write for nearly a month: I scare myself.
Well, anyway, there was just one more thing I wanted to tell you before I stop writing, my psychiatrist (his name is Larry, by the way) told me that I should find another way to channel my rage (and other miscellaneous emotions) in a different way because the diary didn't seem to be working. That's when I shot him, the quack.
I wanted to tell you that because I knew, someday, someone's going to read this and think, "God he was a bastard… but I adore his mysteriousness and eccentricity!! Oh, God, I wish I could have been ol' Teague Sparrow!"
So, back to the kid.
I'll be fine with "Teague", "Troy" or "Gallagher": manly names. Just NOT Jack… ANYTHING but "Jack"… ANYTHING!!!
The girl wants to name him Jack.