a/n: Hi peoples!!! Wow. This is my sixth fanfic. The longest Chapter 1 I've ever written... Wow...
Truths About Akatsuki
It had been a while since the Akatsuki had caused any trouble. Sasuke had gotten a bit suspicious of this. So he decided to find their new secret hide out and retrieve some useful info.
Sasuke had been planning this little trip of his so much that he had a plan for almost any case scenario that might occur. He even came across the secret location of their hide out. He was just about to head out when he heard a loud, obnoxious voice yell out, "SASUKE, YOU TEME, WHERE THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING?!"
Sasuke stopped short. He cringed as he heard thunderous footsteps charge in his direction from behind him. He slowly turned around to see the blond stop in front of him. He groaned and closed his eyes out of frustration.
"Naruto, why the hell are you here?" Sasuke asked impatiently.
"More importantly, why the hell are YOU here?!"
"That's none of your damn business! Move," ordered the Uchiha, pushing Naruto aside and making him fall. He ran off into the woods before Naruto could even get up.
"Stupid teme," muttered the blond. He stood up and looked toward the direction that Sasuke had run towards. A smile grew across the boy's face as he headed in the same direction.
XxX xXx xXx
At the Akatsuki lair, Itachi had just taken a nice warm bath. He was about to enter his room when Kisame screamed like a little girl and ran into him. Itachi glared at him.
"Kisame, why are you running around in a tutu screaming like a little girl?" he asked as he began to activate his Mangekyou Sharingan.
"Itachi! There's something REALLY scary in my room!" Kisame cried in despair.
"But that doesn't answer my question, Kisame."
"Uhh…I was screaming 'cause I saw somethin' scary and…" Kisame gulped as he foresaw a year of being tortured by the Mangekyou Sharingan. He didn't want Barney singing to him ever again. He shuddered and continued. "And I'm wearing a tutu 'cause…I hate ballet."
"How ironic," said Itachi, looking down at his bathrobe with red cloud imprints on it and rearranging it so it felt more comfortable. "You're wearing a tutu because you hate ballet."
Sweat poured down Kisame's blue face as Itachi extended his arm toward him and rested his hand on the fish's shoulder. Itachi smirked and said, "Oh, Kisame, it's alright if you're gay."
Kisame blinked. "What?"
The Uchiha grinned. "Don't try hiding it. I put a camera in your room, smart one. You've been under surveillance for the past three months, and let me tell you, you're entertaining." Itachi started to laugh as Kisame's face went from blue to beet red.
"Y-You're kidding…right?" Kisame stammered.
"But, no, my friend. And it's all going on Youtube, too," Itachi said calmly. Kisame's face fell. "Y-Youtube?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
XxX xXx XxX
Sasuke stopped in his tracks and looked around. He had, for the first time, heard a scream from a male that was girlier than his own. "Oh, thank you, Lord! Thank you for finally making some other guy's screams girlier than mine!" Sasuke shouted, praying to God.
Then he regained his normal calmness and noticed that the scream had come from the direction that the Akatsuki lair was hidden. This seemed kind of suspicious. The Akatsuki had feminine sides? (Not that Sasuke has a feminine side…or so he says)
Sasuke: (Smacks author upside the head)
Author: What'd you do that for, fool?!
Sasuke: I don't have a feminine side!
Author: (mutters) Yeah right…
Sasuke: (Smacks author upside the head again) I heard that!!
Author: Ow! What was that for, stupid?!
Sasuke: I DON'T GOT A FEMENINE SIDE!
Author: SHUT UP! I'm the author, got it?! That means I can make you die if I felt like it! So SHUT UP and let me write!
Sasuke: (sulks) Fine.
Sasuke quickened his pace, and in no time, had reached the Akatsuki lair. Naruto, on the other hand, had gotten stuck in a thorn bush and lost sight of Sasuke, so he headed in the wrong direction for a while, but found him just as he entered the Akatsuki's hide out.
"I found Sasuke!" Naruto excitedly said to himself. He crept into the hide out, following Sasuke.
Sasuke never noticed the blond boy shadowing him. (Probably 'cause it was so dark.) But Naruto lost track of how far ahead Sasuke was, so he lost all trace of him soon afterwards.
The raven-haired boy soon arrived at a long hallway. At the end of the hallway were two more hallways, one stretching out to his left, and the other leading somewhere to his right.
"Alright," Sasuke muttered to himself. "I'll choose which hallway to take the scientific way: Eenie Meenie Miney Moe!" He ended up choosing the left hallway. (Actually, he chose the right hallway, but a slight breeze knocked him down and he fell towards the left hallway, and he believed it was destiny.) Sasuke slowly walked down this new hallway, making sure not to foolishly fall into any obvious traps. He kept glancing behind him, so at one point, he forgot to look in front of him and smacked into a wall that was clearly visible. He fell to the ground.
"Ow, my beautiful, elegant, bird-butt hair!" Sasuke complained. He stood up and looked at the wall. There was so much dust on it that there was an imprint shaped exactly like him in the exact place he had hit the wall.
"Well, you know what they say," Sasuke thought aloud, brushing his imprint away. "If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."
Naruto walked up to the two hallways and wondered which one Sasuke had taken. Using the feeling in his gut, he chose the right hallway. He walked down the dark hallway for what seemed like hours (but was actually a couple of seconds) and finally saw some light ahead.
"Thank God! Light!" Naruto exclaimed. "I've been in here for so many freakin' centuries!" He walked up to the room that the light was coming from and walked right in without taking any precaution.
Itachi and Kisame turned to the idiot. Naruto looked up at the two Akatsuki members and noticed how the blue fishy was wearing a pink tutu. They just stared at each other for a few moments, then Naruto said, "Oops. I think I took a wrong turn," and walked right out. Itachi and Kisame watched the Kyuubi's container walk out and dismissed his existence as a hallucination.
"Where the hell is Sasuke?!" they heard Naruto say from down the hall, but they dismissed it as "hearing things". Itachi turned back to Kisame and grinned as he walked to his computer.
"No, Itachi! Please! I beg you, don't put those things on the internet for the whole world to see!" Kisame pleaded. "I'll be embarrassed as hell!"
"That's the point," replied Itachi, not looking away from the screen. Kisame's face fell. He sighed in defeat, knowing that there was nothing he could do to stop Itachi unless he wanted him to Mangekyou Sharingan his ass.
"Heh heh heh." Itachi laughed evilly as he started downloading surveillance videos of Kisame onto Youtube. Kisame covered his face, not wanting to see all the idiotic things he's done in the past three months. When he heard his voice from one of the videos sing, "I'm too sexy for my shirt, I'm too sexy for my pants, I'm too sexy for my—"
"AAAAAUUUUUGGGHHHH!!!!! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!" Kisame cried, covering his ears and closing his eyes so he wouldn't be able to witness any more of his own stupidity. He ran in a random direction, which happened to be the direction of an open window, and he fell out the window.
"OMFG SOMEBODY HELP ME! I'M GONNA DIE!"
Itachi ignored him and continued to have fun downloading the rest of the videos onto Youtube. But first, he decided to close the door.
XxX xXx XxX
Sasuke walked back to the right hallway and started to walk into the darkness. After a couple of seconds, he saw a light up ahead. He was only a few yards away from it when it slowly started to vanish. The light had come from a room, and some damned idiot was closing the door to that room! Sasuke screamed, "No! Don't close the—"
The last ray of light diminished, leaving him in darkness. "—door." Sasuke finished flatly. He sighed and walked up to the door (well, he thought it was the door) and knocked. It was actually a wall.
"What fool knocks on a wall?" Itachi wondered aloud, but dismissed this too as "hearing things".
When no one replied to his knocks, Sasuke gave up and continued walking down the pitch-black hall. And tripped down stairs. And smacked into several walls (or, at least he thought they were walls). And he's pretty sure he stepped on some rodents. And an elephant. Who knows why there was an elephant in there, but there was, so deal with it.
Sasuke damned the darkness for a while until he realized that it was doing no good. Then he decided to actually do something about it. He reached into his backpack and pulled out a flashlight. He pushed the switch, but nothing happened. He slapped his hand onto his face.
"I knew I forgot something!" he moaned as he threw the flashlight back into his backpack. He had a flashlight, but he didn't have any batteries, so it was completely useless (just like its owner).
After rummaging through his pocket for a bit, he found a match. It took him an hour to ignite the match, and when he did, he burned both his middle fingers like a fool.
"Ah, damn it! I burned the useful fingers!" he exclaimed as he furiously blew on his fingers to cool them down.
All the racket he made was noticed by Zetsu, who was trying to sleep in the room next door to the one Sasuke was currently in. The plant was irritated by all the noise, so he decided to check out the origin of the noise and eat it.
He opened the door, letting light flood the room. Sasuke looked at the door and screamed as Zetsu stepped in.
"God damn it, you cretin, shut up!" Zetsu hollered.
Sasuke immediately shut his mouth, and started shivering with fear. Zetsu narrowed his eyes at Sasuke and asked through gritted teeth, "What is it now?"
Sasuke gulped and looked up at the half-black, half-white face of Zetsu's and stammered, "Y-You're D-D-D-Drac-Dracula! I don't want to die—"
"DRACULA?!" Zetsu screamed, interrupting the Uchiha. "YOU THINK I'M DRACULA?! WHAT KIND OF DRACULA IS GREEN, YOU FREAKIN' RETARD?!"
Sasuke took a step back, trying to get away from fuming plant, but he stumbled over his backpack, which was on the ground, and fell. He fell down another staircase that was behind him, screaming as he tumbled down.
"Again with the screaming!" Zetsu shouted down the stairs. He turned around and walked back into his room, muttering, "I should've eaten him on the spot. I would've, but the idiot started saying all that Dracula crap! Wait. Wasn't that Sasuke Uchiha? Itachi's little brother? Wasn't I supposed to kill him as soon as I saw him? Wasn't I ordered to do that by Itachi? Oh, who gives a damn about what Itachi wants anymore?! Oh, wait, I do. 'Cause I don't want him to Mangekyou Sharingan my ass! Damn, I would've eaten Sasuke after all that Dracula crap, but he just had to go and fall down those stupid stairs! I don't even do that any more!"
Yes you do, Zetsu.
"Huh?" Zetsu looked around for the owner mysterious voice, but there was no one else there. "Who said that? Show yourself, coward!"
Then look in a mirror.
"Why? I'd only see myself!"
"But I still don't know who you are!"
If I told you you'd see me when you look at a mirror, who do you think I could possibly be?
"Um…a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?"
No, fool! I'm you! You're inner self!
"You're inside me?! But you should be dead! Everything I eat dies! If you're not dead, then get out!" Zetsu put his finger in his mouth and started to make himself vomit. "Get…out!"
You freakin' idiot, I'm that voice in your head. The one that talks to you and only you. 'Cause I'm you! Your true feelings and beliefs. The real you that you don't show to the world. Actually, I'm the smart you. You're the dumb you.
"OH MY GAWD! THERE'S SOMETHING IN MY HEAD THAT THINKS IT'S ME! GET IT OUT!" Zetsu ran around in circles and started smacking his head against a wall. "Getoutgetoutgetoutgetoutgetoutgetoutgetout!"
How stupid can you be?! I don't actually exist! Well not in reality, but in a way, I do.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHH!!!" screamed Zetsu.
Oh, I give up. You're too stupid. I'll shut up from now on.
Zetsu stopped screaming. "A-Are you gone?"
"AAAAAHHHH! I HEARD YOU AGAIN!" And with that, Zetsu fainted.
At the bottom of the stairs Sasuke fell down
"Damn, I fell down more stairs!" Sasuke rubbed his head and turned to the stairs. He was about to go back up and give Zetsu an atomic wedgie for making him fall down the stairs when he heard Zetsu scream, "OH MY GAWD! THERE'S SOMETHING IN MY HEAD THAT THINKS IT'S ME! GET IT OUT!"
"Okaaaay," Sasuke said slowly. "Looks like someone's got mental problems, and this time, it's not me." He walked away from the stairs and pretended that nothing happened. After a few minutes of going through door after door, room after room, corridor after corridor, he realized that he was lost.
"Man, I should've kept track of where I was going!" Sasuke muttered to no one in particular. "Hmm. I wonder where Itachi is. I still haven't seen him."
XxX xXx XxX
Naruto walked in darkness for a while until he heard an "Achoo! Un." He walked toward the sound, thinking that that was the weirdest sneeze he had ever heard. Then he heard something else.
"Deidara-senpai! I'm here!"
"No, Tobi, get away, un! Can't you see I'm busy? I need privacy, un!"
"But, Deidara-senpai! A year and a week ago, you told me you'd play with me a week from next year and it's the week from next year!"
"It is? Damn, un."
Naruto walked into the room that he heard these voices coming from. And walked right back out. It was the bathroom. Deidara was taking a bath, and Tobi had invaded his privacy. Naruto was disgusted.
"Oh my God, un!" Deidara exclaimed. "Was that Naruto Uzumaki, un?!"
"I don't know, Deidara-senpai," replied Tobi. "But I'm a good boy."
"Does Itachi-san know about this, un?!"
"I don't know, Deidara-senpai, but I'm a good boy."
"What about Zets— AAAAAAHHHHHH!"
"What is it, Deidara-senpai?"
"Who used up all the freakin' hot water, un?!"
"I don't know, Deidara-senpai, but I'm a good boy," said Tobi.
From somewhere upstairs, Itachi yelled, "WASN'T ME!" even though it was.
"YES IT WAS! IT'S ALWAYS YOU, UN!" Deidara shouted back. He reached over for a bar of soap, but discovered that it was gone. "Alright, WHO finished my soap, un?!
"I don't know, Deidara-sen—" Tobi started, but Deidara interrupted. "Well, then what do you know, un?"
"I don't know, Dei—"
"Shut up, un."
"Good, un." With that, Deidara continued to take his bath, until he noticed that Tobi was still there. "What're you standing there watching me take a bath for? Get out, un!"
"Okay, Deidara-senpai," Tobi said, obeying the blond. As soon as Tobi closed the bathroom door, he saw Naruto sitting on the floor, muttering to himself.
"Hi, Naruto-senpai," Tobi greeted.
Naruto looked up at the newest Akatsuki member. "Did you just call me 'senpai'?"
"Yes, Naruto-senpai," answered Tobi. He walked over to Naruto and sat down next to him. "Why are you here?"
"I was following Sasuke-teme," said Naruto. "I didn't know he was coming here. If I did, then I would have trailed him better, and wouldn't have lost track of him."
"I see," said Tobi. He stood up and helped Naruto up. "C'mon, Naruto-senpai, let's find Sasuke-teme!"
"Okay!" agreed Naruto. He began to follow Tobi down a narrow corridor. "Ya know, you're not as bad as the other Akatsukis."
"I'm a good boy," was Tobi's reply.
Wherever Sasuke is
"Didn't I just pass this door a minute ago?" Sasuke wondered aloud. He opened the door to find a small room that looked exactly like many of the other rooms he had passed so far. There was another door on the other side of the room. When Sasuke opened the door, he saw a corridor that looked exactly like the one he had stepped out of a few moments ago.
"I give up!" Sasuke groaned as he slumped down against a wall. He rested his head on his arms which were folded on bended knees. He sighed, then started to fall asleep.
"SASUKE, YOU TEME, WHY THE HELL ARE YOU HERE?!"
Sasuke cringed as he heard an all too familiar thunderous stomping coming his way. But this time was a little different. There was someone else with the dobe. Sasuke lifted his head and looked up to see the feet of Naruto and someone else's stop an inch from his own. He looked up and saw Naruto's big grin and a mask.
"Who are y—" Sasuke started to say, but he noticed the figure wearing a black cloak with red cloud imprints. "You're one of the Akatsuki! You're Tobi!"
"Yes, I am a good boy," said Tobi.
"Why are you with Naruto?!" asked Sasuke.
"Because Naruto-senpai wanted me to help find you, Sasuke-teme," answered Tobi. Sasuke looked shocked.
"Did you just call that blond fool a-a-a s-senpai?!"
"And you just called me a teme."
"Okay, let me get this straight, you call that moron a senpai, but you call me a teme?!"
Naruto pointed at Tobi and smiled. "He's the nicest Akatsuki member I've ever met!"
"I find him annoying," muttered Sasuke. Tobi frowned (even though you couldn't tell). Naruto, noticing this (who knows how he did), glared at Sasuke and said, "No one asked you, so shut up! Don't hurt Tobi's feelings!"
"Oh, so now you're calling him Tobi?!" Sasuke shouted.
"What else would I call him?!" Naruto screamed back. "His name is Tobi!"
Sasuke thought about this for a moment. "Oh, right, never mind." He stood up and stared at Naruto for a moment, then he finally realized that Naruto didn't come with him in the first place, and yet, he was here.
"Naruto, why the hell are you here?!"
"'Cause I followed you here!"
"Why didn't I notice?!"
"I don't know, Sasuke-teme," answered Tobi. "But I'm a good boy."
"Why are you here?!" Naruto asked Sasuke.
"I don't know, Naruto-senpai, but I'm a good boy."
"Why are you answering a question directed to me?" Sasuke asked Tobi.
"I don't know, Sasuke-teme, but I'm a good boy."
"Why do you keep saying 'I don't know'" Naruto asked Tobi.
"I don't know, Naruto-senpai, but I'm a good boy."
"Why the hell are you even here having a conversation with us?" Sasuke asked Tobi, frustrated. "Aren't you a part of the Akatsuki? You should be trying to capture Naruto, and trying to kill me!"
"I don't know, Sasuke-teme, but I'm a good boy."
"THEN WHAT THE HELL DO YOU KNOW?!" Naruto and Sasuke both shouted out.
"I don't know, Naruto-senpai, Sasuke-teme, but I'm a good boy."
All the racket had drawn the attention of Hidan, who was trying to pray and be religious and stuff. He stormed through a wall and up to Naruto, Sasuke, and Tobi.
"Why the hell are you two making so much noise?! You two don't even belong in here!" Hidan screamed. "And Tobi! Why are you making noise with them?! You can't even pray anymore these days!" He stomped off to another room and slammed the door.
"That was…weird," Sasuke stated.
"That was…strange," Naruto stated.
"That was Hidan," Tobi said matter-of-factly.
"Oh" was the response of the two Konoha ninja.
"I think I'll go see Deidara-senpai now!" Tobi declared.
"Wait, Tobi!" cried Sasuke.
"Tobi, don't—" Naruto started, but just then, Tobi disappeared in a cloud of smoke. "—go."
"Great! Just great!" Sasuke complained. "Now we're lost!"
"You've always been lost," commented Naruto.
"Well, so have you!" Sasuke shot back. They both sighed and slumped against a wall. Sasuke looked at Naruto and asked, "Now what?"
Naruto shrugged and started fiddling with a small object that he had taken out of his pocket.
"What's that?" asked Sasuke out of curiosity.
"Exploding note," Naruto answered without looking up.
"Gimme that. I just got an idea," said Sasuke. Naruto handed the exploding note to Sasuke. The raven-haired boy smiled, studying the device. He walked over to the wall and tucked the small piece of paper in a small crevice.
"Naruto, get back!" Sasuke shouted.
"What?" asked Naruto, just as the note exploded, sending the broken pieces of the wall crashing down on Naruto. Sasuke, who had jumped back earlier, screamed out, "Naruto!" as the dobe was buried underneath the pile of rubble.
a/n: I left you readers there at a little cliffie, huh. Hee hee. Don't worry, I'll try to update soon! And MORE truths will be revealed!!!!! So please give reviews!