Just a silly little ficlet my friends and I came up with after seeing AWE. How would the Flying Dutchman be run under Capt. Will Turner? Kinda breaking the fourth wall here with a fair few outside references including the British version of Coupling (BTW Norrington's part of the Dutchman crew here rather than dead because we wuv him so)
Notice: New Captain.
Hello I'm Will Turner the new Captain of the Flying Dutchman – nice to meet you. I've decided to lay some ground (or sea) rules.
1. No. I cannot introduce you to Capt. Jack Sparrow
2. Please stop asking me if Elizabeth and I have an 'open' marriage (yes Norrington this means you)
3. I did not make Bootstrap Bill first mate because he's my Dad (if anyone says that I'm telling)
4. No one is to give Norrington rum (he gets sea sick when he has it)
5. Norrington you cannot refer to yourself as 'Dick Darlington'
6. There will be NO Eunuch jokes on my ship. If I hear one being told I'll make you a Eunuch myself
7. Playing 'hide Norrington's hat' is not traditional Pirate's game.
8. Nobody is to use my hair gel. Ever.
9. I'm only saying this once. Jack Sparrow did not rope a couple of Sea Turtles, consult rule no. 1
10. 'We Are Family' is not a traditional sea shanty (where the hell did you lot hear that song anyway?)
10.1 Neither is 'Flashdance'
10.2 Or 'Love Shack' (you've all begun to worry me a little)
11. We will not plunder merchant ships (unless they are transporting hair gel)
12. Stop asking me if I know that "nobody tosses a dwarf"
13. If a boat pulls up alongside containing a large group of insane-looking girls do not I repeat DO NOT let them on board. They are either Jack/Liz writers or rabid fan-girls; both are evil and will mob me (especially the latter).
14. If you don't want to listen to a half hour rant, do not ask Norrington about the following:
14.1 Locks on toilet doors
14.2 Fabric patterns
14.3 A film with the abbreviated title of 'Inferno'
15. I will only tolerate being called Capt. Turner, Capt. Will or just plain Will. I will not tolerate the following nicknames:
15.1 Hot Stuff
15.3 Daddy's Boy
15.4 Pretty Boy
15.5 Elf Boy (wtf?????)
15.6 Hottest Bachelor of the Year 2004 (again wtf????)