Disclaimer: I do not own Excel Saga. If I did I would be out living in a limousine on my yacht. Or bent over a dark desk drawing during large breasted manga females.
"Do you know why I have summoned you here?" asked a low voice, with more then a threatening undertone.
Jack Holder glanced around. One person was idly flicking material out of his fingernails, while the other, who appeared to be blind, had just had a close encounter with a wall. He leaned forward, trying to see the figure clouded in darkness. The figure backed away.
"Don't do that. So do you know why you are here?"
"Well not really."
"Well basically the author isn't up to date with happenings so decided to chuck in a hopefully new situation to make a story."
The man cleared his throat. "What I meant to say was conquest of this city offers a foothold from which control of the entire universe can begin!" The man began to laugh using evil Bond villain laugh 5©.
"Isn't that a fruitless task considering the fact there is no means of traveling the universe without dying due to old age?" asked the person bored with his nails. "Doesn't sound like much of a plan."
"Look" said the villain resting his head in his palms, "I'm playing a villain in a two bit fanfiction written by a damn otaku. It's likely this won't make it past chapter two."
"That's two chapters too many!" rang out a voice from above.
"WTF?" asked one of the men.
"Oh dear god internet slang already" commented the still unnamed leader, his head resting further in his hands.
From high above Nabeshin jumped down to the floor, afro blowing in a heroic manner. He rose his hand and pointed towards the shadowed figure.
"Hah Kensuke Dante my old enemy!" cried the man.
"You!" replied Dante.
"Yes of course! Dante you should have known better then to come here. Especially after what happened. You have no right to be here. Only I may break the fourth wall. You shouldn't do this. How can this tale be anything but a rehash of Excel saga? (Imperfect DVD collection out now ladies and gentlemen, just in time for Easter and summer). How could you think this would work?"
"I was bored and had nothing better to do! By that I mean it is my destiny!"
"Time to die!" yelled the blind man pulling out a machine gun.
Several thousand bullets and footsteps later the blind man found himself standing in New York. Holder and the person annoyed at being known as the one with the nail habit stood, watching in a mixture of surprise and extreme boredom.
"What just happened?"
"I don't know" replied Holder.
"Now we must fight!" yelled Nabeshin.
"Fine by me" replied Dante.
"Stop now!" Another figure landed on the floor. He was dressed in a dark trench coat, complete with jeans, boots and a fedora. Holder sighed. Less then five hundred words in and another character introduced.
The figure, crouched on the floor, slowly rose, standing tall. Across his shirt was written R.O.TR. He quickly pulled the coat together lest someone see it.
"Who are you?" asked a confused Nabeshin.
"My name is Thor. Au Thor. The title I like most is The."
"What are you doing here?" asked Nabeshin.
"You cannot merely wander into this storyline and attempt to end it! This is not your medium of um…media! You belong in the television world! You belong with your show!"
"I see" said Nabeshin, slowing drawing a cigarette for dramatic effect.
"It's not fair! It's not fair! All I want is to be loved for my writing abilities" bawled Au.
"I see" said Watanabe furrowing his eyebrows. The cigarette was now gone. Didn't want to get in trouble with anti-smoking organizations.
"This all seems a bit serious" whispered the still unnamed man.
"Meh, I don't think his excel saga DVDs have arrived. He hasn't got any jokes to rip off at the moment."
"My God you mean…"
"Yes, this is all narrative and plot development."
"There's a plot?"
"Silence!" boomed Au. "It's a slow burning story."
"More like a boring story" whispered the blind man who'd reappeared for very little reason.
"No more" said Au, "Watch my power!" The blind man suddenly vanished. The writer couldn't really think of anything funny to do with him anyway.
Nabeshin grinned and reached for the afro. "This ought to be over soon."
His hand suddenly stopped as though possessed, or questioning whether to touch a sweaty fat person. He looked at it in surprise, trying to force it to grab the weapon.
"W-what is going on?" he asked.
"Yes, what?" asked Dante, now a bored onlooker.
"In your world you were the hero, the deus ex machina the man in control. But this is my world. My rules" said Au, brushing his blond hair out of his face. He laughed.
"W-what's happening?" asked Nabeshin.
With a dramatic glowing effect created by five light bulbs built into his coat, Au began to step forwards. He paused, quickly pulling on a pair of gloves. He pointed at Nabeshin and began to grin.
"You are my prisoner now. This is my story!"
High above them rain slowly hit the metal roof. They stood inside generic villain warehouse number seven™. The large windows were briefly illuminated by the flash of lighting. By the window stood the figure of Rikdo Koshi. He looked down at the trapped Nabeshin, figuring out a plan. Suddenly it came to him.
With a great turn of speed he leapt from the window and sprinted away.
"Hi there, the beautiful Excel here! I'm sure you are very disappointed I've let to make an appearance- the perverts that you are. But never fear! I, Excel will be in the next exciting chapter! Isn't that right Thor?" asked Excel turning to face the man relaxing in a dressing gown.
He rose a thumb and spoke with a voice of a greasy teenager. "Sure thing. If you don't turn up this won't be much of an Excel saga story and people will probably get angry at me.
They must love my writing!"
"So keep a look out for Excel and the wonderful organization of ACROSS! All coming in chapter two!"
Thor leant back and sighed. "Should have written a Neon genesis self insert story."