Rating: 13+, language, sexual innuendo Pairings: ... if I listed every possible pairing ever on Atlantis and BSG, it might cover it.
Length: 2,300+ (most of which was written at work, giving me the goofiest grin EVER.
Notes: Same universe as The One With the Wraith and Pony Show and Knock 'Em Down. As before, vague Atlantis spoilers, and one AU spoiler for BSG. You can all blame havocthecat for demanding more.
Summary: Afternoon Tea has changed slightly, with the addition of the Galactica women.
Cut the Deck by ALC Punk!
"So, Barolay, what's this I hear about you and Keikeya?" Cadman never was one not to ask the hard questions.
Not that Jean got a chance to answer, since Athena snickered, and said, "I have it on good authority that the boy takes direction very well."
Cadman laughed around the cigar in her mouth. "Damn, girl, she should share."
In answer, Barolay simply looked smug and tapped her fingers on the table, "Ante up, Cadman, and quit asking questions in an attempt to hide the shittines of your cards."
"Why am I here again?" Elizabeth's voice was almost plaintive, although she looked amused. She was also teasing, considering that Afternoon Tea was her little shindig.
"Because you're the best cardsharp I know," replied Cadman, playing along and tossing two chips into the pot. "Deal, bitch."
"You've never played Starbuck," was Athena's amused reply.
Laura pulled the cigar from her mouth and grinned, "You'll have to convince her to leave off having sex to play."
A chuckle came from Teyla, sitting next to Elizabeth, her cards held negligently in one hand. "Captain Thrace is rather voracious in her appetites. One must expect such from women like us."
"Yeah, but how come she's the only one getting any cock?" Tossing down her cards with a grumble, Cadman leaned back in her chair.
"Cock is not the only thing available," Kate Heightmeyer drawled from where she was leaning against the wall, watching the proceedings. Next to her, Cally Tyrol giggled, obviously amused at the implication. "Although, Elizabeth, you might want to add batteries to your next Earth-side requisition. McKay has categorically refused to come up with an alternative."
"Did you tell Rodney what it was for?" asked Weir in amusement.
"Shit, I would PAY to see that," Cadman said. "Someone tape it, and someone tell Rodney we need him to power our vibrators."
Laughter and snickering echoed around the room. It was late afternoon, but given the beer, ambrosia, wine and cigars flowing freely, not to mention the poker being played, one would assume it was rather late at night. Dr. Weir was responsible for Afternoon Tea, as it was recorded in the daily log. Laura Cadman was responsible for everything else. It had started as Elizabeth's way of talking with Teyla and going over anything that had been missed in her departmental meetings, devolved into them bitching about how the men around them left intelligence to be desired, and changed, the day they invited Kate and Laura to join them.
They still got administrative work done, but the paperwork occasionally had liquor stains on it. Not that Stargate Command ever noticed, though Elizabeth occasionally wondered if they understood her requisitions for the provisions involved.
Cadman, predictably, brought the first member of the Galactica crew to the table--she claimed that Athena had gotten lost, and it was only fair that she get a drink before they sent her back.
The next day, Barolay and Cally showed up, one following Teyla, the latter following Kate. Seelix and Racetrack had joined them three days later. Not all of them made it, every time, as there were various duty shifts involved and schedules that didn't always lap appropriately. But those that could, did.
Expansion wasn't a bad thing, though Elizabeth wondered what would happen if they all ended up drunk and a crisis happened. Not that crises occurred during mid-afternoon on Atlantis.
Breaking back into the conversation, Elizabeth said, "We don't need to tell Rodney, I'll simply get a message back to Colonel Carter. According to Vala, the Colonel has quite an extensive library of knowledge when it comes to converting things like naquadah for battery usage."
iThat/i made Cadman's eyes widen, "Colonel Carter has a naquadah-powered vibrator?"
"If Vala is correct." Elizabeth didn't explain how she'd discovered this information. It hadn't been a conversation she'd expected to have with the alien, but the woman had been bored, and Elizabeth had quickly discovered that a bored Vala meant salacious, wacky, and frequently diverting conversation.
"Oh, Vala is correct. I'm sure of it. No woman could put up with Colonel Jack O'Neill and not have an industrial-strength vibrator somewhere." Cadman smirked.
"Hey, Cally," Athena said suddenly, her lips smiling slightly, but a wicked gleam in her eyes, "Chief ever perfect that handheld vibrator?"
"I knew that man was perfect," Cadman interrupted, before Cally could answer, "Hot, snuggly, AND builds vibrators. You sure you won't share him, Cally?"
Blushing, the engineer glared at Athena before answering, "No, he hasn't." Then a snicker from Seelix, flopped on the floor and watching them all sleepily, compelled her to add, with honesty, "But Seelix and I did."
"You ever thought of putting one of those in Starbuck's cockpit?" This from Racetrack, her back to the wall as she worked on the paperwork the CAG had dumped on her.
"Many, many times," Seelix said from the floor.
"Only problem is," retorted Athena, "Kara would just use it as an excuse to have more sex."
"With as many people as possible, of course," Racetrack muttered.
"Damn, you know, that Sam Anders is one accommodating son of a bitch," Cadman eyed Barolay, "You've been around him longer, is he just touched in the head or what?"
Giving nothing away, Barolay shrugged. "He's an idiot."
Elizabeth chuckled at the accurate assessment. "So, basically, we all need to get laid?" she asked, sorting the cards Teyla had just dealt.
"Except for Barolay. And Athena." Cadman replied. She swore a second later and looked at Teyla, "Stop dealing me crap cards!"
"I?" Teyla's eyebrows raised, "This is my first hand as dealer, Laura."
"I stacked the deck," called Kate, "telekinetically, of course."
"Bitch. Knew you had it in for me." Cadman threw a handful of pretzels towards Kate, missing her by a mile. But the pretzels spattered Seelix, who yelped and opened one eye to glare at Cadman.
"I could shoot you, y'know," the Chief's second in command informed Cadman, tone frosty.
"Well, yeah, but then I wouldn't help in the next prank war."
Elizabeth held up a hand, "A war of which I know nothing about. Of course."
"Of course," Teyla echoed, laying down a full house and smiling sweetly at Athena, having beaten her three of a kind. "You would never stoop to putting Nair in Colonel Sheppard's shampoo."
"I have no idea what you're talking about." Elizabeth replied, tone innocent.
Cadman was arrested in the motion of reaching for the cards, it being her turn to deal. She stared at her illustrious leader. Then breathed out, tone awed, "That was you?"
"Of course it was her," Kate pointed out, tone logical. She grunted as she dropped to the floor, sitting cross-legged, and explaining, hands waving, "Who else would fear no reprisal if it was discovered? Especially since it almost caused a diplomatic incident."
"That was unforeseen," noted Elizabeth with some asperity. Then she grinned and grabbed her cards, feeling a little like a kid who'd snuck in and not only raided the cookie jar, but blown it up, too. Her ear chirped, and she tilted her head, hand coming up to press the small button, "Weir."
Everyone quieted as she held a short conversation with Major Lorne, then Elizabeth made certain it was switched off before returning to the game. She raised her eyebrows at Cadman, "Your bet, I believe."
"I distrust you when you get that look, Lizzie," Cadman informed her.
"Call me that again and you're on KP for five months. With no off-world assignments."
"Oooh. Note to self: try and get every irritating asshole to call Dr. Weir Liz--" Cadman cut herself off, and continued, before Elizabeth could throw a pretzel at her, "--that name she hates."
The door opened, then, and half the Galactica contingent shot to their feet as Laura Roslin stepped in, glancing over her shoulder to smile and thank the marine that had escorted her before closing the door and turning to face them. "I do hope I'm not interrupting."
"Not at all, Madame President." Elizabeth stood, and smiled at her, "Please, have a seat."
"And some ambrosia," suggested Cadman, shoving her cigar back in her mouth as she smirked at the president of the Colonies. "Should help loosen you up a bit."
"I was unaware I needed loosening," replied Roslin taking the offered chair. "And, please, call me Laura. Madame President seems rather formal, in here."
"Well, Laura, have you ever played poker?"
"No, though I have played triad." Looking interested, Roslin picked up the cards.
The next several minutes contained a brief explanation, two practice hands, and then a real hand. Which Cadman won, much to her surprise. Then they settled to play normally, Teyla occasionally adding explanations.
While that was going on, Elizabeth grabbed Seelix and pulled her back down to sit on the floor.
"Hey, Cally," Athena called suddenly as she stood, "Come take my place. I think 'Track needs some help with her paperwork."
"Yes! Yes, I do!" agreed Racetrack. She grumbled and waved one sheet, "Frakking Major Adama, can't do his own frakking paperwork." Not that she stopped, of course.
Elizabeth had observed the slight uneasiness in Athena as she interacted with Roslin--before, as well, though it was more noticeable now. It wasn't there as she sat next to Racetrack, reclining against the wall and holding out a hand for some of the paper the lieutenant was sorting through.
"I'm not very good at this," Cally warned the others as she took Athena's cards and chips.
"You'll be fine," Roslin told her, smiling slightly.
Unfortunately, for Cally, she was right at not being particularly good. Though she played as well as could be expected, with Roslin and Cadman trading off winning hands. Barolay seemed content to not win a thing, while Teyla seemed quietly amused about something.
Elizabeth would have to ask her later, when they met for hot cocoa on the balcony about it. Once the daily Afternoon Tea had changed itself into something more social, they'd had to resort to the balcony, sometimes sharing it with Sheppard and McKay, sometimes not. It still accomplished what they needed it for.
"So, what have you all been discussing?" Roslin asked, manner assured as she accepted her next hand from a fast-dealing Barolay.
"Vibrators," announced Cadman, smirking around her cigar, "and the lack thereof here and in the fleet."
"The latter is untrue. Chief Tyrol has been supplying vibrators to the fleet for nearly five months now," Roslin noted, her tone serene. She glanced around, taking in their surprised looks, "None of you knew? I'm impressed. Billy set it up, once the need was noticed."
Cally grinned, "I knew, sir." She didn't explain not telling her fellow workers, although perhaps, she and Seelix hadn't needed to know, really.
"Damn." Cadman looked at Jean, "Barolay, that boy doesn't have a brother, does he?"
"Shit. Maybe he's a Cylon."
Loud hooting blew that suggestion out of the water, until Kate called, "Hey, Athena, you'd know, right? Are there enough Billys and Sam Anderses to go around for the rest of us?"
The Cylon shrugged, looking up from her paperwork, and sarcasm laced her tone as she replied. "Hey, don't ask me, the Final Five have yet to be revealed."
From the table, Roslin regarded Sharon, her expression blank. Then she turned back to her cards. Elizabeth made note of the expression as she'd made note of Athena's earlier uneasiness. Perhaps all was not as perfect amongst the Colonial Fleet as they would like her to believe.
"So, damn, no Sam Anders for me." Cadman let out a huge sigh, almost losing the cigar in her mouth.
"There's always marines," suggested Racetrack, "And I've heard interesting things about Hot Dog."
"Yeah, 'heard them' being a euphemism for experienced them, right, 'Track?" Seelix cracked, turning on her side. "And, if anything, you were heard."
"Not my type."
"Shit, if we're going to have this discussion," interrupted Kate, her voice not at all slurred despite the three beers she'd put away, "then I demand we have a minute of silence for the almighty penis."
"Penis penis penis," crowed Cadman, "what a wonderful word. It means--"
"Definitely more than 'no worries'," Kate pointed out.
"They don't make condoms just for balloon animals," noted Cadman in reply.
"This a private party, or can anyone join?" Starbuck's lazy tone was amused. She was standing in the doorway, no marines behind her, looking as though she'd found a secret she'd been wondering about.
"Starbuck!" Jumping up, Cadman grabbed her arm and dragged her inside, shutting the door with a kick, "We were just talking about you."
"Of course you were."
"Can we clone your husband?"
Starbuck blinked, "Frak, no." Then she seemed to consider the idea, "Although, more than one of him would be useful."
"You're getting regular sex," Seelix announced from the floor, "shut up." She threw popcorn at Starbuck.
"Sharon's getting regular sex, too," Kara pointed out, dodging. "But, maybe y'could borrow him?"
"There will be no borrowing Helo."
"Which is a pity," said Cadman, leaning back in her chair with a sigh. She was still talking about the cigar in her mouth, "Because he is really nice and tall."
"You gonna smoke that, honey?" Starbuck pointed at the cigar.
"Fuck, no." Pulling it free, Cadman threw it at her. "Thought I'd save it for you. Teyla, your deal."
Elizabeth's radio chirped again, and she glanced at her watch with a sigh. Afternoon Tea was over, for her. "This is Weir, I'll be there in a moment," she told Lorne. Then she stood and smiled, "Ladies. Try not to burn the place down, please."
"I will endeavor to keep them from lighting matches," Teyla replied, grinning.
Starbuck paused, lighter flicked on and almost touching her cigar, "This isn't matches."
"Of course it isn't." With one last chuckle, Elizabeth went to the door.
She let it close behind her with a sigh, straightened her shoulders, and headed for the control room. Behind her, she was fairly certain Laura Roslin and Starbuck were about to take Cadman, Teyla and Barolay for every chip on the table. She was kind of sorry to miss the spectacle.