Authors Notes: This is basically a crack challenge my friend told me to do. Yeah, it's totally ooc and stuff. But eh, it was amusing to write. This is my first bleach fanfiction. :

Kuchiki Byakuya is strong. No one can deny that.

But only few know that the Kuchiki heir used to be weak.

Yes. Weak.

Byakuya was a pale and ugly little boy. He was born into a beautiful, large, rich household. It was like placing a pile of dung in the middle of a lovely flower garden.

Needless to say, the poor boy did not fit in so well.

From the start, he was a quiet kid.

A loner.

At Shinigami elementary school, poor Byaku had no friends. His report cards accused him of never participating in class, and always sitting under a tree all alone during recess.

His parents became very worried when on his eighth birthday Byakuya still did not say more than three words to them. They sent him to the 4th division, in hopes of him getting cured of this quietness.

That was where Byakuya first met Jushiro Ukitake.

If Byakuya would talk, he'd probably say how this day changed his life.

For one, he was dragged up at an ungodly hour in the morning by his worried parents on the day after his birthday. Oh, you'd think they'd cut him some slack. This was not the case for the Kuchiki household. In fact, his birthday "party" was actually a stiff dinner.

Did this kid get cake and gifts on his birthday? Yeah, he did. He got soybean cake (no sugar added) and a book called "How to Pronounce the Alphabet". Byakuya didn't complain; he quietly took his gift and ate his slice of cake.

And in the morning he was dragged to the 4th division quarters. After probing and sticking things in his mouth, the healer shinigami proclaimed to the anxious parents that Byakuya was probably a retard with a talking inability.

The parents, in their shock, forgot to bring Byakuya home.

When a kind 4th division shinigami noticed his presence, she herded him into a small room for sick people. He would've protested and told her that he isn't at all sick, but alas, he didn't want to talk.

But after the shinigami told him not to worry, that she'll bring him food and sweets later, he softly muttered, "I'm not allowed sweets."

She didn't hear him, and hustled out.

Then Byakuya realized he wasn't alone in the room. A strange man with long white hair was tucked in the bed next to his, with only his head out.

Byakuya, in a burst of curiousity, walked over to the bed cautiously.

What a pretty man.

He'd think it was a woman, if not for the thick bushy black eyebrows and firm angular jaw. This was a spectacle for the young boy. This man was the most beautiful person he'd ever seen.

Oh, how he wanted to pet that thick white mane of hair.

With trembling fingers, he reached out. Poor kid, his fingers were trembling so hard that he accidentally poked an eye on the pretty man.

Said pretty man opened his eyes, and focused them on Byakuya.

He exclaimed, "Hello there! What are you doing?"

The man did not get a response.

So he continued, "My name is Jushiro! You can call me Shiro-chan if you want. Wow, you're a funny looking kid, aren't you? That's okay; I was a funny looking kid too. Man, I'm hungry."

Byakuya was deeply troubled. What was this pretty man blabbering about? He was deeply offended by the 'funny looking kid' statement, but decided not to show it.

Luckily, the shinigami nurse chose to come back in at that time, with a plate filled with sweets and food. She smiled. "Oh, Ukitake-taichou! You're awake! Look at this funny looking kid!" With a blush and another look at Ukitake, she left, leaving the plate with food in the middle of the bed.

Taichou? This man is a taichou? The poor kid was shocked.

"OHFOOD!" Jushiro picked up a fork and started eating.

If Byakuya was shocked by the fact that Ukitake was a taichou, it was nothing compared to his shock at the fast rate this strange man was eating at. Nearly half the pile was gone before Jushiro remembered that he wasn't alone. He looked at Byakuya.

"Kiddo, you want some too?"

The boy shook his head.

"Hey, do you even talk?" Jushiro laughed. Byakuya was silent.

The older man smiled at him. "At least tell me your name?"

A soft "Kuchiki Byakuya " was murmured.

Ukitake was thrilled. So he did know how to talk! "Bya-chan! Here, try some of this this!" He stuffed his full fork into Byakuya's open mouth, which was open in surprise.

With a full mouth, the boy muttered that he didn't eat sweets. The crazy man didn't hear, and pulled him into a bear hug.

Byakuya went home after the night, when the Kuchiki's realized their only son was missing. They blamed it on the fact that he didn't talk. Of course they wouldn't know their kid was gone because he never made noise at home anyways.

A few weeks passed, when one night his father proclaimed that Byakuya would be getting a private shinigami tutor, one that is extremely educated and one of the best out there.

He found out it was Ukitake-taichou.

Not because his parents told him. Oh no. It was because before his first meeting with this tutor, he received a huge package in the mail. It was filled with sweets, and a little note.

Written on the note?


How are you? I'm wonderful. My illness got better, so I can eat more now! You know how you're a funny looking kid? I think we should try to help you with that! I have this special conditioner you can use. It makes hair soooo smooth. Enjoy the candy!

Your friend,


Byakuya couldn't help but laugh at this. His first real laugh. Servants walking by who happened to witness such a sight blew it off, saying that this event was actually a snort.

Of course, the young master accidentally snorted. There was probably dust in the air.

Ukitake became the boy's first friend.

And Byakuya, over time, became pretty as well. Some say it was because he grew up, but the truth is, if he had not used that conditioner Ukitake told him about, he'd still be an ugly man.

His strength, you ask? Under Ukitake's careful teaching, Kuchiki Byakuya gained strength and knowledge, which eventually led to the Kuchiki becoming a taichou in the 13 divisions as well.

The End

Wasn't this totally cracky? 8'D

Well, I had fun writing it. :