All That's Left of a Memory - A Gundam Wing fanfiction
Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing, Heero, Duo, L1, etc. etc. This is purely for entertainment.
Warnings: Shounen-ai (1+2), some cursing, angst, deathfic
All That's Left of a Memory
I have to get this down. I have to get these things out of me before they tear me apart. My hand works slowly and dumbly as I scratch out these words onto the paper, using my knees to give support for the pen's strokes. I look up and around me as if the serene, plain land might offer me some guidance as to where to start this. There are so many things about you, about us, that my mind is nearly overflowing; thoughts and remembrances flying by far too fast for me to grab and put down in ink.
Meadowlarks and crickets sing as they do everyday around this time, with the sun falling down out of the sky, slipping under the distant mountain range. ...
Damn! Come on Duo! Does any of this stuff matter? The birds and insects will be here tomorrow and the sun always rises again, but this day is failing fast and instead of writing about the person you spent four years of life with, you waste paper with the country scenery... Darkness comes quickly. The day that my lover, an inseparable, key piece of my life departed from me passes like each day before it.
But where should I start, Heero? There's so much, too much. I wish you could just pop out of the burning casket, releasing flames into the sky and putting a hand on my shoulder. You'd say, "Start here." Just like that you would get me on the right path, instinctively knowing what I needed hours to fuss over... It would be too easy.
But I can't figure it out because you won't come back, you won't open your eyes and put your hand on my shoulder and guide me. I already waited hours, the slowest, loneliest hours of my life, this morning when I kept hoping foolishly against cold fact that any moment your eyes would start moving, your chest rise and fall, taking in air, filling with life.
You looked so much like you always had...
I kept waiting and waiting for you to make the first move, to say the first word. Until finally I reached out, trembling terribly and shut your beautiful blue eyes forever. I was shaking so hard and crying so much that when I tried to shut your eyelids, I accidentally poked your eye twice... I'm sorry about that...
I turn away from checking your funeral pyre, making sure it doesn't set fire to the grassy hillside. Even now, your destructive powers could still raise hell, even in death, heh... I can imagine you sweating like crazy in that small, burning wooden box and saying with venom in your tone, "Omae o korosu, carpenter ants," and setting the whole hill ablaze. Hahahaha... Whoooo... ... I guess that wasn't too funny, but it's so nice to laugh on a day when all I've done is cry.
I remember the day, between the two wars we fought, when I bumped into you on L1. I had only seen you a couple of times since the battle at the Libra, and I wasn't having much luck finding a hotel I could afford. Stepping into your apartment was a weird thing, I was like, "Hoo boy, here I am in my main crush's house, wonder if the springs in the bed are up for this?"
Course I was only kidding... and hoping. But then, with an embarrassed grimace, you told me that there was only one bed and I said that then I'd sleep in the tub...
You opened the chain and let me in... My eyes just about popped out of my head as I looked around the mess. Not only were there no couches, but so much junk was strewn on the floor that it would have been a challenge to clear a spot to sleep on the wood surface... and I'd always figured you were one of those OCD clean freak kinds...
We talked and ordered Chinese and spent the night with just each other's company. Then we went to lay down, me fidgeting crazily as you stripped down to tighty whities! I thought I would have a nosebleed all over your pillows. I mean, those things didn't leave anything to the imagination!
You turned off the light and got under the covers and I stood there, a moment I had fantasized about forever staring me right in the face! All my trashy pickup lines vanished from my head and the slick, suave charm I had hoped to impress you with dried up as I jumped under the sheets like a little kid and tried to go to sleep.
Three hours later and I was still wide awake. How could I sleep with the sexiest man in the universe next to me? Course, you had already dropped off like a stone down a cliff, but still, I could feel your warmth on my back, hear your breath tickling my neck and it all made me so scared to move that when I finally did, I sighed so loud I thought for sure you would jump up in fright and blow me away with the pistol you had Velcro'd to the headboard.
I rolled over and faced you. Unbelievable beauty before my eyes, so close that it was impossible to keep from touching you. I had no clue how I managed to see, your apartment was as dark as the abyss, but I was able to scan every detail of your face, heart thumping louder than the clock on the wall.
You had always struck me as a tough guy, the indestructible, machine-like soldier. You only rarely showed me your softer side. But in the dark all of your stoic demeanor seemed to have washed away. Your hair fell down, about to your eyes, and your mouth was open just a little bit. I didn't know how much I could even make out of your features, but I could, and in that time I really got to see the caring, human side of you. Crazy, right? While you were asleep I fell in love with you.
You were so beautiful as you slept and I could feel a gentle aura radiating from you, calming me. I just watched over you like that for awhile, I don't know how long. And sleep overtook me and it was the most peaceful I'd ever known.
Seven months later I woke up in a hotel room, staring up at a peeling, lime green ceiling. It was A.C. 197 and two months since I'd moved into a West side apartment with you, on the old F0 Colony. Two months, better than any others I'd ever spent...
They began on a night where, after holding back all our feelings for each other, both of us put everything out in the open. My head swam as it sunk in that a real relationship with you was growing, just beginning to begin. As I hauled my bags down a rickety metal stairway and into your car, I felt like such a fool for the argument that started it all, me saying that boarding with you wasn't going to work. And when you asked why, I finally screamed the truth, that I loved you and wanted to be with you, that it was too painful being so close to you but not having any way to express the emotions that you stirred up in me.
And, like an idiot, I didn't even let you say anything. I grabbed the keys and ran out of the place, down the rickety metal stairway and into your car. I couldn't see straight as I drove down the streets, cars and people passing through my tear-stained vision like dreams.
When I finally realized where I was, I was back at our apartment complex. Where else could I go? There was nothing for me out in the whole rest of space that could have made me forget about you, make me love you any less.
I stayed in that car, thinking about what I would say for hours...
I finally screwed up the courage and practiced what I'd say as I headed toward our door.
"I understand if you don't want to see me again."
"Thank you, for everything."
My hands shook as I put my key in the lock and slowly opened the door. All the lights were still on and the first thing that caught my eye was you, almost exactly as I had left you, standing with one hand on the kitchen door frame, staring at the front door.
"Duo?" You ask, as if you didn't see me there or like you could hardly believe it.
And I started to cry and apologize and blurt out all the things I'd repeated over and over to myself in the car. I don't even remember how long I rambled or what exactly I said. I just looked down at the floor and the tears flooded down my face.
"Can you forgive me?" I finally sobbed.
"Of course," you said. "I love you too, Duo."
Note: This is incomplete, but not on purpose. Cleaning my old room today, I came upon a single sheet of paper, completely filled front and back with this story. I remembered writing it while on vacation with my family in Quebec some years ago, but I'd forgotten all about it. I don't know where the rest of it is, actually, I don't think there is any more to it... But I read it and it made me feel nostalgic, so I typed it up and here it is. It's exactly as it appears on paper except for some corrected typos.
Feedback is always very welcome. I hope you enjoyed this.