Sam & Max

Freelance Anime Heroes

Chapter 1

Third Movement

Moving out

The Freelance Police returned to their office after another successful case. After throwing the helmet of the now dead Guard Armor into their Closet of Mementos, Sam returned to his desk to ruminate the Dark Organization's motives.

"Max, does your skull have any idea what a Malaysian guy would want with a bunch of senseless DVD's?" Sam asked

"I predict he would be using them as to lure Elvis impersonators into the state of Minnesota and use their blubber to dam the Chippewa River, but I don't wear trousers nor use the word 'inkling'." Max replied

"Okay, now try to think of motive that isn't a by-product of a delusional homeless person's rantings… great armpit hairs of Isaac Newton!" Sam yelled as he and Max saw their north wall now being completely covered in Maize corn right before their eyes.

"I knew that free trail of Homes and Gardens magazine was evil! Evil I told you! Why didn't you listen to me Sam?!"

Sam removed an ear and inspected it.

"Very unusual…" Sam commented.

"Is it sculpted in the shape of Kiera Knightley?" Max asked

"Nun-uh but the kernels happening to be forming a word."

"Veranda? Tetramerous? Marbleizes?" Max asked, excited.

"Go," Sam answered while Max groaned disappointedly, "and I guess these other ears ofZea Mays must form a message to a destination of some sorts."

"I call dibs on any sour cream & onion potato chips we find."

"Keep your trap shut Max, I'm trying to decode the message."

It the shamus a half hour and 3 minutes deciphering the message while Max was keeping the resident cockroaches from the corn with a corkscrew. Sam placed the corn on his desk and sorted them into a highly logical guess

"Go to Exit 41 and head into the Cosmic Interstate then give chase to stop the Dark Organization. Sweet road maps smothered in Peanut Butter! From the looks of things I say some sort of other cosmic entity is giving us a tip."

"Do we have give him the reward?" Max asked.

"Depends if he likes his sheep lit on fire with gasoline, now come on Max, lets head to the Cosmic Interstate."

"Wait, There's a giant interstate in space?" Max asked? "How come we never saw it?"

"Well for one, you were too distracted trying to aim that home made death laser at Alpha Centauri last time we were up in space."

"Yeah! Take that Space Race Victory!" Max yelled with pride.

"And secondly, it just got constructed a month ago."


"Come on little buddy. We've got us a Freelance Police, crime stopping, dimensional tour ahead of us."

"Say that reminds me, will this take long? I don't think the felons we've locked up will get their daily sulfur regiment."

The sound of punching entered the Freelance Police's eardrums. The two of them walked towards a hole in the wall caused by a giant robot a few months ago in which neither of them were in mood of the fixing it, along with the additional collateral damage that decorated the walls of the office. Max jumped on the couch and peeked inside the hole, hoping to see if one of his favorite idols was in town today. He was, an 40 something year old man with hard muscles and a chiseled jaw, Flint Paper, Sam & Max's next door neighbor and private investigator who was currently sending a iron chair into a felon's skull.

"Hey, Sam & Max, what going on?" Flint asked

"We're going be gone for a while, you mind watching our office for us?" Sam asked.

"Sure thing little buddies!" Flint replied, "Just give me the keys and I'll give them ruffians some good ol' one-two punishment."

"Just a heads up, Mayonnaise will give Harry 'No Knees' a horrible mutant rash! The Calamine lotion for that is in the pickle jar."

After Sam handed Mr. Paper the keys to the Freelance Police's office, He and his little buddy went downstairs to their car.

"Flint sure is the most reliable man we got, eh little buddy." Sam asked.

"Yeah, his gore he leaves and hospital bills it causes don't lie" Max answered.

The two of them got into the Desoto again.

"Now then, do we have the essentials?"

"Guns, Ammunition, Mortar, Napalm, Molotov Cocktails, Suicide Bomber Roaches, More Guns, Axe, Chainsaw, Chainsaw crossbow, Chainsaw launcher, Dynamite, Duct Tape, WD-40, Rat Poison, Guns, Bazookas, ICBM's, Tanks, Air-Bombers, and let's not forget the good old boiling hot oil covered cannonballs, throwing stars, drunk stars to throw, Guns, ancient Roman Spears, Red Ridder BB Gun modified to shoot broken glass, and I don't what this is but it came with my new shotgun blast amplifier."

"Wait a minute, let me see that Max."

Sam snatched the envelope Max was holding and opened it.

"Great Wallabies making Chex Mix with a rusty garlic press and a side dish of mashed potatoes, this is from The Commissioner, Max! It's saying he got us an office at Domino City where we'll be staying for the duration of this case."

"Wow, we get to enjoy the stay and then make a huge-ass mess and then the original owners will have to clean it up." Max replied

"First thing we're getting at the next gas station is a box of black dart frogs to paralyze that voice box of yours Max."

"Oh Boy!"

Sam sent the keys of the Desoto into ignition, and the Freelance Police's Multi-World tour was off.

Meanwhile far away from Sam & Max's world, a pack of villains known as the Dark Organization were conspiring. Kabuto approached a meeting still clutching the part where Max rabidly bit him.

"So you are back Kabuto. What took you so long?" The Leader of the Dark Organization, Orochimaru

"I'm sorry Orochimaru, pant the last world, I got a little bit held up… pant"


"…No one, just a couple of locals in one world. 'They' didn't show up."

"Good, all of the worlds shall be conquered into our grip of the Dark Organization."

"Well here we are on the Cosmic Interstate, a multi-dimensional Hub from which anyone can see many different realms, galaxies, and planets all of them teeming with different and unique forms of life from trance inducing beauty to the damn ugly forms that will cause your eyeballs to burst into and cremate into beige dust…." Sam said, looking at the anime galaxy in the Desoto's driver seat as the Freelance Police were driving the empty interstate that prolongated outer space…"

"That sounds like that one time at the Halloween cockfight sting." Max interrupted.

"Yeah little buddy, you dressing up in drag were one of the causes of the brain damage in those drug lords… and me if kept my eyes open."

"...Besides from the Chainsaw and rusty nails, any who were you saying something Sam?"

"No Max, I was just making some crappy speech where I was just getting to point we'll be soon be maiming and marring a whole new galaxy full of villains and brining hope to people who are too scared to take two steps outside of their beds."

"Well, then let's hurry, my trigger finger going just itching shoot something and I think my luger starting to weather."

"Just calm down Max, those criminals are going nowhere but to their graves."

"Alright Sam, But I swear if there is no gunfire and bloodshed by the end of the night, neither friend or family will be safe."

"Your impatience and lust for blood and gore always brightens up any long road trip little buddy."

Max just still threatened but afterward grabbed a megaphone at yelled out to the stars: "Attention residents of this Galaxy: your day of judgment is at hand! We have come to purge this universe of evil and tyranny (and/or tacky lawn gnomes)! If you have ever committed even the smallest of felonies and went unpunished, we'll find you, hunt you down and shoot you mercilessly, take your corpse to an open prairie and then shoot you mercilessly even more and feed the your Swiss cheese remains to a wood-chipper and light the ejected gore on fire! If your soul was suppressed by that felon and wondering who did your community a favor by destroying him/her, you can thank Sam & Max: The Freelance Police!"

"Also if you have cookies please share them and I'm not responsible for property damage and or injury even if I did that on purpose." Max then added.

"Uh, Max, the megaphone was turned off." Sam said.

"It was?" Max said a little bit surprised, "Ah well, you know how I like to surprise people."

"Always unpredictable as ever little buddy." Sam replied, as the Desoto took the exit off the cosmic interstate and to Domino City.

So there you have it, the last movement of the first chapter of the first Sam & Max multi-anime-crossover fan-fiction done. And I can tell you that our two boys will have their work cut out for them. Sorry for this being too short but I (hope I) can guarantee you that chapter 2 will be better in action department.

Next time on Sam & Max: Freelance Anime Heroes: The Freelance Police have arrived at their office at Domino Office, but it seems a doomsday cult have set shop inside and have taken hostage. It's up to Sam & Max to kick them out with their rouge justice but the question is this: will the Freelance Police's ignorance to the Duel Monsters card game make things worse and for whom: Max or Kaiba?