I do not own Naruto. That is all.


Naruto groaned as he got to his feet. He hadn't expected summoning the Shinigami to be quite so violent. As the pain in his head subsided, he looked around to get his bearings. An infinite plane surrounded him, occupied by a single other being. Naruto stared into a face of the ultimate reality, the taker of lives, a being that struck fear into the hearts of every living being.

"Hey ugly! I need to talk to you!"

Almost every living being.

The shinigami stared at the human before him as if he was some kind of fascinating new bug. After a few minutes, it spoke.

"And just what do you want, little mortal? Come to offer yourself up early, perhaps?"

"Nah. I've been sent on a mission to get information."

"And you believe that I possess this information?"

"The fourth Hokage knows what I'm looking for. You ate his soul about eighteen years ago, right? 'To be digested in torment for all eternity'? If I could just get you to throw him up for a few minutes, I'd be really grateful."

The shinigami sighed. Summoned creatures were required to be honest with their summoner, no matter what the circumstances. This was going to wreak havoc with his reputation as a remorseless, uncompromising god of death.

"I let him go."

Naruto stared in disbelief.

"You what?"

"I let him go. He did me a great service, and in thanks, I let him go."

Now it was Naruto's turn to sigh. His mission was going to fail because the shinigami of all beings had had a moment of conscience. Still, maybe he could pull out some useful information out of this after all. Being able to summon the Shinigami without being digested for all eternity might come in handy.

"What did he do for you? I don't exactly see you as a forgiving type."

"He helped me locate the Kyuubi so I could seal her away. I'd been searching for her for centuries."

"What? Why on earth would you want to seal the Kyuubi away?"

"The Kyuubi represented a threat to us immortals, demons and gods alike. She had been infected with a… disease that slowly eroded her sanity, and she was spreading it amongst some of the most powerful immortals. When we tried to capture her, she fled to a place unknown to us. Unknown, that is, until your Fourth Hokage summoned me to seal her away. I suppose it was fortunate for us that she chose to… attack… your village."

"What could she possible have that would do that to her?" Naruto blinked. "Wait… her?!"

The shinigami chuckled.

"Yes. Her. The Kyuubi is indeed female. As for what she has…"

The shinigami's cheeks turned an even darker grey colour. Given his experiences with Hinata, Naruto would have sworn that the shinigami was blushing.

"Uh… Well… The closest thing disease that you mortals have is…" The shinigami trailed off, mumbling something entirely unintelligible.

"Sorry, didn't quite catch that."

"Uh… Syphilis."

"Isn't that…"



Naruto stared at the Shinigami. There was a highly uncomfortable pause. "So, you're telling me, that I have a demoness sealed within me, and Yondaime got away with sealing her because she's a nasty slut?"

"Basically. Don't worry, though. The seal makes it completely impossible for the Kyuubi to transfer her… problem… to you."

"Let me be quite clear on this, I have a horny demoness in my stomach?"


"Who's completely insane?"


"That I've spent the last two years breaking to my will?"

"Err… Yes?"

"And I have the spiritual equivalent of an unbreakable condom?"

"I suppose s… Hey, wait just a minute now…"

"I have to go now… Home. Yeah. Home... I'll see you later. Shinigami… guy… thing."

"Don't you dare defile my seal like… UZUMAKI NARUTO, YOU GET BACK HERE RIGHT NOW!"



Err... Yeah. I wanted to include a line about how the Kyuubi was attracted to the giant, phallic shaped Hokage tower, but I just couldn't quite fit it in. (re-reads line, sweatdrops).

Oh, and syphilis actually will make you crazy. So, as a PSA, remember, kiddies! Use protection, or the thing that turns green and falls off might be a giant purple elephant!

Special thanks to Reikson, who pointed out that it isn't, in fact, gonorrhea that makes you crazy, but syhilis. Which just goes to show you, syphilis may make you crazy, but not sleeping before proofing your fic will just make you look stupid. ;)

The Oni.