Sickness

I do not own Naruto.

Here it is, folks, the third and final chapter of Sickness. Time to see how many of my readers yell at me for this.

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Naruto wolfed down his ramen, ignoring the dazed Tsunade sitting next to him. After being forced to explain exactly what was so damn funny about the Kyuubi attack, she had almost mechanically followed him to Ichiraku's ramen stand, where he proceeded to order his usual. Which was pretty much Ichiraku's entire stock of ramen for the day. Tsunade kept mumbling something about how she would never be able to look at the hokage tower again.

Naruto, however was otherwise occupied.

He had just learned the most facinating and important thing that an 18 year old could ever learn. An easy source of no strings attached sex. With a woman far more experienced than he.

What more could he ask for?

Now all he needed to do was figure out how he could get away from Tsunade-baa.

"Hokage-sama, I was -"

"Architects!" Tsunade interrupted, a wild gleam in her eyes.

"Huh?"

"If I have the tower torn down, I won't have to gouge out my own eyes! I need architects to design me a new tower! In a pleasing square or polygonal shape no more than two stories high!"

"Err... Right. So, I'm done eating. If I could just go home..."

Tsunade just nodded, lost in her own world. A world where architecture didn't resemble a sex toy in any way.

Naruto, completely oblivious to the danger signs being emitted by his superior, happily complied, and dashed home, eager to see if he could charge his tennant her 'rent'.

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Naruto sat down and attempted to clear his mind. Years of practice had made entering a meditative state easy under normal circumstances, but that meant nothing compared to his current excitement.

After several long minutes of nothing happening, Naruto gave a frustrated sigh. He just couldn't relax. But maybe...

Naruto got up, and walked to his medicine cabinet. Opening it up revealed the standard ninja requirements: Bandages, disinfectants, and pain killers. Also one bottle of sleeping pills, as his natural hyperactivity occasionally prevented him sleeping without aid. Naruto quickly grabbed one pill and downed it with some water, congratulating himself for his genius, before settling down to meditate again.

Moments later, Naruto found himself in the Kyuubi's jail, and blithely walked up to her cage.

"Hey, fox... I hear you have a problem. I want to help you with it."

Naruto looked expectantly as the giant fox, mentally cheering himself on. He was going to score!

The Kyuubi in turn stared at Naruto, mentally cheering herself on. She was privy to all his thoughts, being locked in the cage of his mind. She was going to score!

"Come in, Naruto... kun.

Naruto happily walked into the cage, practically tearing off his shirt as he did so.

"Ok, just take human form, and we can get this on!"

The Kyuubi stared at Naruto for a few seconds.

"Human form?"

"Yeah, your human form!"

"But Naruto-kun... I can't take human form."

"WHAT???"

Naruto began to back towards the cage doors. Seeing her potential nookie getting ready to flee, The kyuubi quickly blocked passage to the gate with her tails, preventing Naruto from leaving.

"Don't worry... You'll learn to love the fox..."

Naruto attempted to break the mental link, and found he couldn't. His last thought before the Kyuubi descended on him was "Those fucking sleeping pills."

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The next day found Naruto again eating at Ichiraku ramen, with large, dark circles under his eyes, and an absolutely horrified expression on his face. Hinata was sitting next to him, staring worriedly at her long time crush. He had been mumbling to himself for the last hour, and had only eaten three bowls of ramen! She had almost worked up the courage to ask him what was wrong when he slammed down his hands on the counter.

"Ok, that's it! From now on, I only chase after shy, introverted girls!"

Hinata nearly passed out at Naruto's declaration. Could he mean... Did he...

Hinata stared as Naruto walked out of the stand, into the streets.

"Hey, Anko-chan! Wanna get some dango?"

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The End.

Coming up: For those of you who have actually looked at my profile in the past, you may notice that I've been saying that I'll post a story called "Nine Kinds of Hell" in my profile (a claim that's been there in one form or another since late 2005, in fact). Just in case anyone wants to read anything else I've done after this travesty, I feel the urge to warn you: "Nine Kinds of Hell" is not a comedy, although it may rarely have comedic elements. NKOH is not going to be a happy story. It'll have a happy ending, for a certain definition thereof. It's also my attempt to do what very, very, very few people have managed to do. Write a NaruHina that doesn't suck. I honestly love the pairing, and abhor most of the stories, as they tend to be either boring, repetitive, unoriginal, too quick on the pairing, or just written badly.

Sadly, I'm not happy with the prologue for Nine Kinds, so I haven't posted any of it yet. Which leads me ask you, the reader, should I: skip the prologue, and then go back and post it after I've figured out how to fix it? Start posting the story anyway? Club a baby seal?

Feel free to email me with your suggestion, as I recognize that not everyone likes to post their opinions on an open forum such as the review section.

And now, some thanks the people who made this story possible:

The Auditor, for being my excellent beta, on both this and NKOH. And for offering to deliver savage beatings unless I posted something.

The Rantling, for being the other sounding board for my ideas, offering the best in help and outlandish melodrama.

Readers like you. No, not you. You there in the corner. Yes. You. Don't think I don't see you sitting there.

The Oni.