If I owned Harry Potter, Harry, Severus Snape and Tom Riddle would be doing the nasty all over the place. Same goes for the canines. Evidently, I don't own Harry Potter.
Okay, bah-hey-sick-lee Mister Sirius has decided to explore his newly found feelings for boys...it does not go well. Why can't Mister Sirius ever make things easy for himself, sigh. I just do not know. Read on, my lovelies. And review, please && thank you. It would make me happier than a Sword in a Stone.
RLSB SLASHY FLUFF. It's what I do.
Sirius Black, prankster extraordinaire, idol of the masses and possessor of that elusive ability to make almost anybody collapse with lust was seductively leaning in for the kiss.
"Shit," he exclaimed, just before his lips met those of his self-conscious partner, "I can't do this."
"Can I help?"
"No. I mean, really, shit. I can't bloody well do this James!" Sirius expressed vehemently as he moved away from his prior closeness to James and buried his head in his hands.
"Okay, calm down mate. What can I do to help?" James gently enquired, relieved that he seemed to have regained distance between himself and his best friend and half worried over said best friend's welfare.
"Say sometimes, I dunno...," sighed Sirius as he now made frantic circling gestures with his hands, "say something romantic."
"Every night before I go to bed I spray my pillow with your cologne," was James's confident reply, before he continued, "or should I say, eau-de-canine."
"Merlin's balls, No wonder the red-head won't go out with you," retorted Sirius gloomily, "that's your idea of romance?"
"It's not exactly the ideal situation I'd like to be in for demonstrating my romantic wiles. Look I'm trying Pads, 'coz you're my mate and I'm trying to help a mate out. Not that I'd do this for any of my other male mates, just so you know."
Sirius nodded resignedly in reply.
"Look," continued James, "can we just get this over with? Kiss me, I promise not to bite unless you ask me nicely."
"I can't kiss you, James."
"What? After all this? Padders, you've got to be kidding me. You spent over an hour talking me into this mindless and disturbing scheme of yours!"
"It's not a scheme James, it was a test! Just a little test, okay? And it just doesn't feel right to kiss you."
"So then, you're not gay?
"No! I mean, yes. Well, I don't know. That was the point of this little experiment, remember – to find out! But you..." said Sirius, shaking his head dejectedly, "you're like a brother. It feels, well, wrong."
"Some people like incest."
"Each to their own mate, but I'd snog Regulus before I'd snog you," at which point Sirius paused to think before continuing, "granted, genetically speaking snogging Reggie-Boy is far more incestuous but come on, me and you are more like brother then me and him. And now that I mention it, that little squirt probably has a crush on me. I mean he is a pureblood in the purest sense of purebloodiness. ...and yeah."
"This is a beautiful moment for us," said James with false solemnity, "we're brothers, now if you'd stop acting like a poufter for a moment we can think of a guy for you to have your wicked way with."
"That sentence was, well...it didn't make sense, contradictions and all," replied Sirius, with a seemingly perplexed expression.
"Agreed mate," said James, nodding his head melodramatically, "so who can you snog?"
"Not you, apparently. And please, no Slytherins, I hear it's contagious."
"Okay, how about Frank Longbottom, currently dating Alice but I've heard rumours that he's goes both ways," asked James, wriggling his eyebrows suggestively.
"No," said Sirius, wrinkling his nose in distaste.
"Arthur Weasley?" enquired James, "a year or two above us but he seems the type."
"Double no, with knobs on."
"Andromeda's friend then, you know that Ravenclaw, whatshisname."
"No, thank you."
"One of the blokes on the Quidditch team? I could tell them it's either snog you or quit the team."
"Buggering broomsticks, there's no chance!"
"You aren't half picky my friend, I'm afraid we're running out of options, maybe if we ask Dumbledore he'd oblige us, the man does claim he'd do anything for his student...wait! ...Remus?"
"Maybe," said Sirius, fidgeting uncomfortably.
"Why's Remus a maybe?" enquired James.
"You know, 'coz he's cute and stuff, and like, not brotherly and he's funny and...well, he just is," Sirius half-whispered, a gentle and rarely seen blush making a bashful appearance on his cheeks.
"You think Remus is cute?" said James as he burst into laughter.
"Well, he is!" said Sirius defensively, "I mean, he's Remus, isn't he?"
"Good observation!" said James, trying to reign in his chuckles, "he is Remus. So...you gonna try snog him then?"
"Well, I have to, don't I? I mean, I need to know! I can't not know," stressed Sirius, "and Moony's the only appealing prospect I've got."
"What you gonna do then, waltz up to him and be all, 'hey Moony, give us a snog and while you're at it a blowjob'd be nice to."
"No? Pity that, I would've loved to see Moony's face. Anyways, I'll leave you to it, now I've been saved from having to face the mouth of Sirius Black! Let me know if make headway, yeah?" said James, winking profusely, "geddit? Headway?" and with that James exited the boy's dormitories.
"Yeah, real good one," Sirius yelled at the disappearing James, sarcastically, "fuck," he murmured to himself, "how am I gonna work this one?..."
He was not however left to his own devices for long as one Remus Lupin soon entered the room.
"Sirius?" Remus ventured.
"Moony!" Sirius practically shouted, surprised by the entry of the object of his mind's wandering thoughts, "you scared me. I swear this place should have one of those muggle bell things you were going on about the other day."
"Sorry Sirius," said Remus, smiling, "James said you wanted to speak to me?"
"Did he now?"
"Yeah, he did," said Remus, with a curious frown, "is something wrong?"
"No. Well not really."
"Do divulge further."
"Do divulge further?" laughed Sirius in mimicry, "I love the way you talk Remus, you make simple things sound like, complicated. Or to put that in your words 'you makes things lacking in difficulty unduly complex', or something."
"Thanks, I guess?"
"You're welcome," said Sirius, with a grin.
"So, down to business then. What was it you wanted, exactly? James said you wanted my help to make headway on an experiment of yours?"
Sirius bit back a laugh, "did he now?"
"Yes," replied Remus, "I have to admit I was rather sceptical, you're not the project doing sort. So was there an actual experiment or do you just want help with a prank or some overdue homework?"
"Definitely not a prank, and definitely not homework either unless McGonagall has gotten very modern and, well interesting in her teaching methods."
"So, what then?"
"I need your help."
"Well you've taken the first step by admitting it. Don't worry, I'm sure we'll find a cure," replied Remus with a grin.
"Helpful. Now stop smiling that vexing smile of yours and actually give me some useful assistance."
"Vexing smile?" said Remus with a snort, "hardly. What's the problem?"
"Very vexing. And in fact, that's the problem."
"The problem is you find my smile vexing?" said a very cynical Remus.
"Well, yes. I mean, essentially yes. That is the problem."
"Well, I've begun to have these vaguely romantic feelings towards boys in general. Except, they're not all that vague and it's more you then all boys in general."
"Sirius, is this a very bad prank?"
"Ummm...no. I tried you know, to check, to like get proof that I was in fact gay so I'd know I wasn't just like...going through a phase. I even convinced James to kiss me, which by the way, didn't exactly work out. But um, I don't think it's a phase. I think it's you. Because you're the only guy or girl, even that I could ever imagine kissing and actually enjoying said kissing. And I think it's because of you, you and your vexing smile."
"I'm not making a whole lot of sense, am I?"
"Not really, no."
"Right. Basically, I think you've bewitched me with your bewitchcraft. Very insensitive thing for you to do, actually. It distracted me from my schoolwork, distracted me from my hobbies, corrupted my dreams, corrupted my daydreams and I believe it had a very deep effect on my friendship with James. What with him being all willing to kiss me and all."
"Sirius, I...you're not...you are...but I'm...and..." said Remus, with a hopeless and dazed confusion.
"I thought you were supposed to be the articulate one," joked Sirius, but his eyes betrayed his nervousness, "you're making less sense then I am."
He then slowly and with much trepidation began to lean in to kiss Remus, he was however, interrupted.
"It's dinnertime," Remus squeaked, suddenly as an interjection, "we have to go now. To the Great Hall. For food. "
He then made a quick exit, and left Sirius to follow at his heels, full of regret and disappointment. Sirius caught up with Remus just as he entered the Great Hall and the two made their way to the Gryffindor table, in a medi-snipe war.
"Dinnertime?! Since when have you cared about dinner?"
"I'm...I'm a growing boy, Sirius," said Remus, helplessly, "...even you've said I need to eat more."
"You do! But not then, not while I was...telling you what I was telling you."
"You mean not when you were playing a horrid prank on me."
"A what?" said Sirius, astonished.
"A prank, Sirius. Merlin knows you know what that is. I'm your friend! I mean, I never thought you'd accept, never even dared dreamed you'd reciprocate my feelings but did you have to make a joke over them? I thought we were close, but that was plain cruelty. You even brought James into it! For some joke, some experiment."
"A joke?! Are you kidding me?" Sirius glared at Remus, who's response was to walk further ahead of Sirius, "it wasn't a joke, Moony!" Sirius shouted out, gaining the attention of all within the Great Hall, "it wasn't a joke! I'm fucking crazy about you and you walk off on me and accuse me of pranking you and I have no idea why I have to work so hard to convince you of this when it can be gleamed from what you just said that you bloody well like me too. So, shut up because I like you, I like you a lot, I like you like I probably shouldn't like you, but I do and you have to accept that!"
There was an audible gasp from the crowd surrounded the two boys, the Gryffindor's went slack-jawed and the Slytherin's immediately began to make mocking cat-calls, Hufflepuff's and Ravenclaw's were both split between the indifferent and those who had their interest piqued. Remus froze, and grew increasingly red with embarrassment noticing the reactions of his peers, Sirius took this opportunity to edge closer to Remus until very soon, he was right next to him, he could sense the palpable tension oozing off the other boy and very softly he said, "Maybe I should've explained things better...or something, but you were never a joke or an experiment." Snd with that, Sirius kissed Remus timidly and quickly, right in front of everybody then just as swiftly as he swept in for the kiss he backed off.
"Sorry," he proclaimed.
"Don't be," replied Remus and took his turn to lean in for the kiss, this one far more ferocious and heated. And hey, the people in the Great Hall, what did they have to complain over? Lucky bastards they got dinner and a show.
"Looks like Sirius will be making some headway tonight, after all," murmured James to a gobsmacked Peter.
After I told Cameron, (the "boyf"), that I was going to eat our firstborn child he told me that he sprayed his pillow with my perfume every night before going to sleep. It was a beautiful moment. Review, please! It would make me happier than a French frog with legs. Merci mes amours.