I forgot I wrote this and don't know why it ever came to mind. But when I reread it and ended up unable to breathe because I was laughing so hard at the sheer stupidity of it, I knew I had to put it here. :D Enjoy!
Adventures in Poop
It was a subject that Goemon liked to avoid altogether. Nature would always call, of course, and sometimes nature was very bossy about things it needed to do. Doing those sorts of things without wanting to do them brought a special kind of shame to the samurai.
He was dignified, debonaire, delicate, but most of all, dainty. He did not do such things.
Jigen and Lupin always wondered, whispering to themselves over such matters as they watched Goemon with a suspicious gaze.
He did pretty much everything they did. He slept, he drank, and he ate. In fact, he ate a lot for a man of his svelteness.
"Have you ever seen him crap?" Jigen asked Lupin as they sat alone on the couch, Goemon out doing whatever it was he did when he was alone.
Maybe that was when he crapped, when he was alone, away from everyone.
Lupin thought about it and laughed it off. Nobody, not even Goemon, was that stupid.
"Everybody craps, Jigen," Lupin said in amusement. "Maybe he's just more private about it."
"Maybe," Jigen muttered. It bugged him. He had no idea why, but it did. If it wasn't such a disgusting subject he'd investigate it more, but wondering and sometimes obsessing over it was already going too far.
Meanwhile, somewhere off, away from all living things, stood Goemon.
A look of discomfort on his face, he stared down at the small hole he had made in the ground.
The area was nicely secluded among the brush and trees, but the memories of long ago still plagued him.
As a kid his dad would tell him to go to the bathroom outside, nobody where he lived civilized enough to have real bathrooms.
As a result the village smelled awful on still days, the smell still burned into Goemon's nostrils.
Goemon feared this task. What if someone smelled it? And then knew that smell was coming from him? He couldn't dare risk that, his girlish image ruined over some disgusting thing nature forced him to do.
He would never just go outside. He'd always go out in the middle of nowhere, making sure no one was around to see, or smell, him doing his bodily duties.
The first time he wandered off to poop he got lost, never to be found for three days. When the villagers found him he was unconscious, his pants filled with the crap he so desperately tried to hold in.
No one told him of this, as they feared he was a bit suicidal and would take his own life should he know the embarrassing state he had been found in.
The second time he was chased by a swarm of bees, found two days later by the same villagers. He was covered in stings, his face swollen and his body reeking of human excrement.
No one told him of this, secrets to be kept forever amongst the villagers.
The third time his dad followed him, sick of all the jokes he was getting about his son, Stinky McPoopybottom, as he was now called.
His dad fell clumsily down a cliff, though, and was unable to stop the hoard of angry chipmunks from literally scaring the crap out of Goemon.
He was found smelling and practically covered in the feces that exploded from him.
His dad was found some time later and mocked some more, the villagers finding it extra hilarious as he, too, has crapped his pants.
But he was a samurai, and he was proud of his bowel movements, so he didn't let it get to him. Much.
After the fourth time of Goemon being found half dead and covered in crap his dad decided he was through with him, sending him off to live with a weird old hermit in the mountains.
He decided the hermit would teach Goemon everything he needed to know about poop.
He didn't know that the hermit had the same odd fear as Goemon. And the same bad luck.
Goemon's first trip outside to do the unspeakable was what drove him off the edge. With nobody to find him and having passed out after being chased by a psychotic pigeon he woke up alone. And unbathed. The smell filled his nostrils. His muscles tightened. His eyes slowly made their way down to the load he felt himself sitting on.
Goemon's dad smiled when he heard the blood curdling scream in the distance.
The flashback of bad memories having passed, Goemon stood staring in fright at the hole. What if it happened again? He now had a reputation. He had grown out of the Stinky McPoopybottom phase of his life.
Now he wondered. He was still afraid of pooping. He still went in the woods. He still went into a hole in the dirt.
"It's time," he said, inhaling deeply and puffing his chest out. "It's time for me to be a man," he exclaimed, looking forward with great determination.
Lupin and Jigen glanced at Goemon as he walked proudly into the house.
They looked at each other and shrugged.
Goemon walked into the bathroom and closed the door. He stared down at the porcelain beast.
"I will defeat you," he snarled.
He stood before it and untied his belt thing with much gusto. His pants fell to his ankles as he slowly lifted the lid.
"You will not win anymore," Goemon growled, glaring at the water inside the toilet.
He spun around bravely and lowered his underwear, sitting down gracefully and closing his eyes.
The duty ran smoothly, a successful operation. He found it was much better in a higher sitting position than it was squatting close to the ground.
He eyed the toilet paper cautiously, poking at it before unrolling a wad of it and dabbing at his bottom.
Smiling in satisfaction, he stood and pulled his underwear up. He bent down and pulled his pants up, averting his eyes as he turned and hit the switch to flush the disgusting mess down.
The water swooshed away, but not fully. Confused, Geomon hit the switch again. And again. And again.
Nothing happened. Suddenly there was an awful sound. The floor shook and the toilet belched. And then there was silence.
Goemon bravely peeked into the toilet, holding in his vomit as his brown loaf was still present.
Growling in frustration he hit the switch again, the toilet belching and the water spewing up into his face. A couple more belches finished the job, the product of his bowels breaking up into tiny pieces and spraying all over the front of his body.
Goemon stared down in fright, unable to take anymore as he fainted.
"Did you hear something?" Lupin wondered.
The two got up and walked to the bathroom, a nasty smell emanating from it. They opened the door and sighed.
"Stinky McPoopybottom has done it again, I see," Lupin sighed in sadness.
"I cleaned him up last time, so have fun," Jigen said as he walked off.
Lupin grumbled. The scene before him was just too awful. What did Goemon eat?
Not wanting to deal with it he closed the door, decided that Goemon could clean up after himself for once.
He was unaware of what his decision would bring for his friend, whose high pitched and panic-filled screeches would fill the city later that night until his voice gave out, his mind quickly following.