A/N: This is my first songfic and I know that you don't have to match everything to the lyrics, but I wanted to so. Yeah. Whew, this is the first ever songfic I've completed and not given up half way.

Disclaimer: I do NOT own Saiyuki. Minekura Kazuya owns it. Neither do I own the song Breaking the Habit. It's by Linkin Park.

Summary: Goku gets very depressed about hurting his friends because he's losing control over Seiten Taisei. A bit of character death.

Song: Breaking the Habit by Linkin Park

Through Pain

He sat hunched over in the corner of the room.

Memories consume

His whole body began to ache again. Crimson liquid spilled from his side.

Like opening the wound

It was his fault, he reasoned, they had tried to heal him.

I'm picking me apart again

He let a bitter smile grace his innocent features.

'Oh sure, he'll be fine in there.' He listened almost amused, at the confident tone of voice that they used to say that sentence.

You all assume

He glanced at the knife.

I'm safer in my room

'But what if-' He could hear soft laughing at the unmentioned inevitable.

Unless I try to start again

'Why me?' He thought, over, and over again. Continously glancing at the sharp object that lay within reach.

I don't want to be the one

'Just because I was… cursed…to be a- a monster.'

Who battles always choose

'It's all my fault.'

Cuz inside I realize

'I'm the only one who doesn't know what's really going on.'

That I'm the one confused

'Why do I have to care?' He reached for the knife. And drew it across his skin.

I don't know what's worth fighting for

He let out a scream, muffling it's volume with a nearby pillow.

Or why I have to scream

The memory instantly came flooding back. He had felt so messed up about his little accident. He had reacted harshly.

'Get away from me, I don't need help!' The emerald-eyed man was slightly taken aback at his subordinate's outburst, but nevertheless, brushed it off. Nevertheless, he continued to approach the boy, until said boy finally shoved him to the ground and got up to leave. Then, the red-head came stalking along.

I don't know why I instigate

'What are you doing here kappa? Shouldn't you be off chasing more skirts?' He sneered at the approaching 'cockroach-head'. He was surprised at his own outburst.

And say what I don't mean

'What happened to me?' He whispered. He stared at his hands, They were coated with blood. Blood that spilled from his arms in a steady stream of red.

I don't know how I got this way

'WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?' He mentally screamed. Bitterly adding that it wasn't any point getting the others involved by letting an audible sound escape from him.

I know it's not alright

He dropped the knife and clutched his head. Pushing all coherent thoughts out of his mind.

Then he released his grasp on his head and picked up the blade again.

So I'm breaking the habit

With a sharp toss, he flung it out the open window.

Moonlight streamed through the cracked glass.

I'm breaking the habit tonight

Alone, in his room.


The silence was deafening. The memories found their way back into the consciousness of his mind. He stared at his blood-stained fingers again. He couldn't take it. Being the expert at fighting that he was, he jumped out the window and managed to land squarely on his feet, He picked up the discarded blade and climbed through the window again. All the time, the knife was pressed close to his chest.

Clutching my cure

He raced to the still closed door and turned the key until he could hear the satisfying click.

I tightly lock the door

He was still panting.

Huff. Huff. Huff.

He calmed himself slowly.

Huff. Huff.


I try to catch my breath again

The pain in his chest started again. His chest tightened more and more. Memories continued to flow from the deep recesses of his mind. Those memories that hurt. Those which were once clouded and pushed back into the dark corners of his mind by the diadem. His mind kept hurting.

He saw all those times he had almost killed Sanzo and the rest.

He, no Seiten Taisei kept hurting everybody, and he couldn't do anything about it. Pride used to be the only thing that stood between utmost guilt for what he had done and innocence. Now that was gone, the guilt began to eat away at his soul, changing everything he felt in his body to pain.

I hurt much more

The entire body began to spasm, not only because of the physical pain, but also of the mental. He coughed up blood. The scars on his arm now seemed more prominent than ever. He couldn't remember feeling this much pain, not even when Kougaiji had almost creamed him, and that time hurt.

A lot.

Than anytime before

He started to rule out what he should do.

He couldn't go see Hakkai, he couldn't go see Gojyo, and he couldn't go see Sanzo.

But why? His stubborn conscience told him that he still had a chance. That he could go see someone, they would understand. He ignored that whiny little voice.

I have no options left again

His fingers brushed the gold ring that rested on top of his head, as always.

I don't want to be the one

'Why me?' He wailed. This time out loud. Then, he fell into a bowing position, sobbing wildly. It wasn't his fault, it wasn't his fault.

He kept telling himself while trying to calm himself down, lest he attract unwanted attention.

Who battles always choose

A thought struck him. He raised his head from his hands, tears continued to stream down his already sodden cheeks.

It is my fault.

Cuz inside I realize

Because you're a freak.

A cruel voice suddenly whispered to him. One that came from the darkness.

He shook his head, refusing to believe it.

That's right; you are one, because you're different. You can't control yourself.

The taunting continued.

Sobs continued to rack his weak frame.

You are a freak.

Seiten Taisei, the heavenly sage, born from a rock.

The voice mercilessly refused to relent.

Goku remained silent.

That I'm the one confused

He got up the floor, as resolution struck him. His once lively eyes were now reduced to lifeless pupils. In that short span of time, he had lost his soul.

I don't know what's worth fighting for

He raised the knife one more time.

Or why I have to scream

Determined though he was, his face showed nothing but the emotion of that of a corpse, as he was going to be.

I don't know why I instigate

He was never going to be anything of worth. Never has, never will.

And say what I don't mean

Pure thoughts attempted entering his once innocent mind. Thoughts like 'When's breakfast?', but those were quickly bounced off by the boy's cool façade.

The only thoughts that were capable of penetrating through aura of worthlessness the boy had created were…

I don't know how I got this way

It's over for me. I never had a future.

I'll never be alright

It ends now.

So, I'm breaking the habit

While the moons still up.

I'm breaking the habit tonight

No scream was heard.

A simple thrust of the blade through his heart and that was it.

His hand thrust out, and scraped the cement wall, dragging five crimson streaks to the floor.

I'll paint it on the walls

A small thump was all that sounded through the darkness.

Cuz I'm the one that falls

The Noyi-bo lay discarded in the corner of the room. Abandoned hours ago by its now motionless owner. It would soon gather dust.

I'll never fight again

A gold pupil opened one last time. Glancing at the mess its body had caused. Blood was splattered all over the walls, staining them. The eye shifted downwards, and noted the large crimson pool its body now lay in.

The mouth opened slightly, tasting the blood mixed with tears. Ahead, the blade now lay forgotten, just like the gold-capped rod, only smeared with blood from the body it had pierced.

And this is how it ends

Nothing was left for him.

I don't know what's worth fighting for

He knew that now, which was why, he didn't bother to make a single sound.

Or why I have to scream

At least it was clear to him. No one would get hurt again. Not by that monster he couldn't control.

But now I have some clarity

And now do you get it? He amusedly asked the darkness. I won't be able to hurt anyone anymore.

To show you what I mean

He gave up with his pathetic monologue.

I don't know how I got this way

There was no turning back now, anyway.

I'll never be alright

With that, he closed his eyes.

So, I'm breaking the habit

And breathed his last.

I'm breaking the habit

The moonlight shifted from the empty bed, its sheets pure and white, having never been touched; to the pale figure, smirking ever so slightly, lying motionless in a pool of blood, in the middle of the floor.

Breaking the habit tonight

The End

A/N: I'm very sorry if that was horrible and confusing. I seriously don't know okay? Please review.