Dear Professor Dumbledore,
I arrived at the end of Privet Drive at seven o'clock this morning to give Malfoy his Portkey to the Durmstrang Ship. He threw a small notebook at me and told me to give it to "That old bastard and see what he makes of it". I must assume he meant you. Incidentally, Malfoy appeared to have a freshly broken nose, and various other minor injuries. The people from Durmstrang will be able to fix him up easily, but that won't stop him whining, just so you know.
After Malfoy left, I went to check on the Dursleys. After a fairly garbled conversation with them, I decided to contact you and request that a memory charm be placed on a girl named Natasha Grey. Mafloy apparently poisoned her with something that made her prance around calling herself 'Bubbles' and believing she could turn into a Eucalyptus tree. She's fine now, though. Actually, you needn't bother.
I can hardly believe I'm writing this, but Dudley took care of it all.
I'm meeting Ron and Hermione in an hour, we've got a lead of sorts on the locket. If Mundungus Fletcher turns up in Saint Mungo's by the end of the day, I should warn you that it probably wasn't Death Eaters.
Also, just out of curiosity, you know those special effects sweets they sell in Honeydukes? Is it legal to give those to Muggles? You see, after our brief but enlightening conversation, I feel the need to buy Dudley a present and I think the former-glutton in him would appreciate some exciting new sweet experiences.
P.S. I just had a quick flick through Malfoy's notebook. I don't think you should read it, Sir.