Before You Read: Please note that the original formatting belongs to Theresa Green's LOTR fic. It's not mine…Death Note isn't mine…I own nothing.

L: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual
The Care and Keeping of Everyone's Favorite Detective

Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of a newly released L unit. This guide has been created to make sure you receive the full benefits from your mad-genius insomniac. Each section of this user guide has been organized for your convenience and ease, with FAQ and Troubleshooting located at the bottom. It is suggested you read the following information thoroughly, especially if you are one of those rabid L fangirls.

Technical Specifications:

Name: L Lawliet; throughout this guide the unit is referred to as L. L units will also respond to Ryuga (Hideki) and/or Ryuzaki.

Birth date: October 31, 1979 (differs from Date of Manufacture)

Lifespan (when first activated): 75231362

Height: 179 cm (5'9)

Weight: 50 kg (110 lbs)

Length: Classified information—ask a YAGAMI RAITO unit if ever an intercourse between the two

Date of Manufacture: Yesterday

Place of Manufacture: Insomniacs R Us, Death Note Corp.

Note: Your L unit, like all other Death Note Corp. units, will grow to maturity once activated, or until the invisible numbers above L's head run out. If you wish to prevent his death or just want to see the numbers, purchase a RYUK unit from Super Scary Shinigami Inc. and make an eye trade. But be warned: Shinigami eyes cost half your lifespan.

Your L Unit Comes with the Following Accessories:

Long sleeved, white t-shirt

Baggy, blue jeans

Sneakers (no socks)

Cell phone

Cupcake (x100)

Black eye shadow and guy-liner kit (in the case that your L unit gets more than 3 hours of sleep and still wishes to look like an insomniac)

When first opening the box, you may notice that the L unit has no insomniac-like bags under its eyes. This is normal, for the L unit has been sleeping for over twenty-four hours. Also, be ready to answer several questions, riddles, and mind games. L units generally prefer owners of high intelligence.

Programming:

Your L unit comes with a number of functions and modes. Below are the jobs he is compatible with:

Detective: L's current occupation.

Haunted House Attendant: L units are surprisingly stealthy, and have the amazing ability to sneak up on someone, thus scaring the crap out of them, which is essential at Haunted House parties. Out of all the Death Note Corp. units, only the L units, SHINIGAMI units, and laughing RAITO units have succeeded in performing such a task.

Main Attraction: Works with only confirmed, rabid fangirls. Unpopular and holding a huge party? Bribe your L unit with its favorite confectionaries into coming. Depending of the amount of fangirls invited, the L unit may hate you for several days afterward, but will return to his default, analytical mode after given a cupcake (see Mode section).

Academic Teacher/Homework Helper: Being geniuses, L units are capable to answer the toughest questions and write A+ essays with the greatest of ease. L units are ready and willing to home school you, if it favors you.

Martial Artist: Your L unit is specially programmed to master all martial arts. Got a stalker, burglar, or local rapist? Never fear, your L unit will be there faster than you can say 'cupcake.'

Your L Unit Comes in the Following Modes:

Super Genius Detective/Analytical (default)

Super-Duper Genius Detective (locked)

Insomniac

Sugar Rushed

Too Smart for His Own Good (locked)

Out of Character-OOC (locked)

Although it is hard to tell an L unit's default, Super Genius Detective/Analytical Mode apart from its similar Super-Duper Genius Detective Mode (locked), there are some distinctions between the two.

Super-Duper Genius Detective Mode can only be unlocked after several confrontations with a YAGAMI RAITO unit in KIRA mode (thus making it a KIRA unit), which will threaten your L unit's dear life. Once this mode is activated, your L unit will go into hiding, and ponder about ways to catch a KIRA unit while senselessly biting on his thumb.

Unlike other Death Note Corp. units, L units never sleep for more and one hour on average per two weeks. This being said, in Insomniac Mode, your L unit will creepily watch over you deep into the night while you are sleeping. It may be scary at first, waking up to a wide-eyed insomniac first thing in the morning, but owners get used to it. Think of it as your personal guardian angel.

If your L unit is fed more than 10,000 calories of sweets in a day (which can be done easily), it will enter the Sugar Rushed Mode. L units will then scour your kitchen for more sugar. Deactivation of his mode in order to return the L unit to its normal, freakish self requires forcefully feeding the unit meat.

After an L unit's meeting with a RAITO unit (see 'Relations'), suspicion, rivalry, and friendship, Too Smart for His Own Good Mode will be unlocked. This may be exciting for you, the owner, for a while, but be warned: Your L unit's death may come sooner than you think.

RAITO units in their Innocent Mode can only open the Out of Character Mode of L units. Although there are other methods of unlocking L's OOC mode, this is the easiest. After its OOC mode is unlocked, L units will realize they are sexually behind, and are likely to screw RAITO units. By unlocking this mode, L and RAITO units' Too Smart for Their Own Good Modes (which both result in their doom), will be deleted from their hard drives.

Relations With Other Units:

WATARI: WATARI units and L units share a very interesting relationship, similar to one of a father and son. WATARI units are old owls, wise and caring, and possess the full trust of L units.

YAGAMI RAITO: Without this pretty boy, many of the L units' modes would remain unlocked, surprisingly not on account of the unit's dashing good looks. RAITO units intrigue L units a great deal; the two share may of the same 'genius' abilities. Your L unit will occasionally reason out with the RAITO unit, usually to no avail. If you wish for a friendship (or something deeper) to be formed, have both units play tennis. Afterward, your L unit may refer to the RAITO unit as his "very first friend."

AMANE MISA: The 'girlfriend' unit of RAITO and SECOND KIRA, MISA units are often teased by L units, and are seen (through L units' eyes) as a source of amusement. It is possible for your L unit to develop a small crush on a MISA unit. There won't be much progress, however, since MISA units have dedicated their short lived to RAITO units.

MATSUDA TOTA: If ever an encounter between the two units, your L units will think of MATSUDA as a total dumbass. 'Nough said.

Note: L units don't have many relations with other units, but may develop a few over time. Other units may have relations with L, though he has none with them (i.e. Near, Mello).

Cleaning:

Your L unit is fully capable of cleaning and grooming (or lack thereof) itself. However, it is a good idea to step into the shower with your L unit to give lessons on how to operate its machinery/unit. Random strip searches are also recommended, as L units can be very sneaky…though it may get a little gross staring at a naked anorexic.

Feeding and Rest:

L units rarely sleep, if not at all. Because of this, your L unit requires constantly being fed. L units are extremely picky eaters, only eating sweets.

Note: Feeding your L unit meat when not in its Sugar Rush Mode may trigger its Out of Character Mode.

Disposal:

Unfortunately, you may grow tired of your L unit's incessant formation of analogies that don't make sense to the average mind and/or staring at you late into the night. L units can be disposed of quickly and easily, either by giving it away to a rabid fangirl or having a KIRA unit kill it.

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ):

Question: My L unit stands funny; I think he has scoliosis!

Answer: No, that's just how he stands. L units have always been peculiar in that way.

Q: A few days after introducing my RAITO unit to my L unit, my L unit disappeared! Where is it?

A: Unfortunately, I don't where your L unit is (but you can purchase a tracking device!) Your L unit probably ran away after unlocking its Super-Duper Genius Detective Mode. If your L unit liked you as its owner, it is probably hiding somewhere in your house (in the closet, under the bed, etc.)

Q: There are rabid fangirls in my front yard, and most of them are holding their YAGAMI RAITO units! How can I get them to go away?

A: Those are rabid-Yaoi fangirls. The only way you're going to escape is through the woods. Create a distraction by screaming out you see a MELLO or NEAR unit. Wait until they are all gone to return to your house.

Q: My L unit sits funny!

A: L units are programmed to sit that way, since it increases their reasoning abilities by a good 40 percent.

Q: I tried covering myself in icing and asked my L unit to lick me, but he just stood there. What's up?

A: L units are not stupid. Yours probably doesn't like you much to begin with. Try covering a naked RAITO unit with cake icing, and let the magic unfold. It'll be more fun to watch. Note: Sugar Rushed Mode can be unlocked in this way

Q: Hehe. You said "L's unit."

A: That was not a question.

Troubleshooting:

Problem: After a meeting with a RAITO unit, your L unit went to sleep and never woke up.

Solution: Your L unit is 'dead'—killed by the Death Note. The only solution is reprogramming, but it's the same as starting over from scratch.

Problem: You purchased a YAGAMI RAITO unit to unlock your L unit's many locked modes. But nothing happens when the two are first put together.

Solution: Have your L unit's suspicions rise against the RAITO unit, and have the RAITO unit unlock KIRA mode.

Final Note:

With proper guidance and care, your L unit will grow to be the best detective the word as ever known. His warranty is good until death (yours or his), and may be voided if he runs off while chained to a YAGAMI RAITO unit.

Thank you for purchasing this product.

Have a nice day:)

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Originally, I was going to write a Naruto fic in this format, until I saw how many of them there were. It changed to Death Note, and was supposed to be a guide to Raito, but ya know…L owns.

I'll probably write one for Raito if this goes well, and maybe one for Mello and Near. Soooo… it'd be a big help if you provided me with some FAQ and Troubleshooting questions (preferably funny) for the three.

Thanks so much for reading; Please review!

-TAXI unit.