Celebrity Deathmatch: Celebrity Dopplegangers
Summery: Jack O'Neill from the original Stargate movie heads off against the Jack O'Neill from Stargate, the series. This story, like most badfic, was written at 1 AM after listening to an old man prattle on about German legends to try and pick up women at a Medieval Fair. I'm sure you all can relate.
Disclaimer: Both Stargates belong to MGM, Celebrity Deathmatch belongs to Mtv, and the story belongs to me. And I cannot write a disclaimer without it sounding cheesy. Sorry.
"And we're back from commercial for another round of Celebrity Doppleganging here at Celebrity Deathmatch," Johnny Gomez flashed a dazzling smile at the camera. "I'm Johnny Gomez and sitting next to me is the indominable Nick Diamond."
Nick, armed with a can of hair spray and a wicked looking pick, struggled vainly with the few hairs remaining of his balding head, "Dammit Johnny," he huffed. No matter how hard I try, I just can't imitate the way Farrah Fawcett's hair curled back in that last match."
"Well Nick, try to remember how much trouble Farrah's teased tresses caused her in that last match. Who'd have thought that a battle between the original Charlie's Angels and the new ones would have caused such a devilish disaster?"
Nick paused, eying the pick and hair spray suspiciously, "You've got a point there Johnny."
Johnny laughed, "I sure do. And who could have forgotten the doppleganger before that? The original Darren from Bewitched versus that other one nobody liked. That definitely caused quite a stir from the audience. The custodians are still trying to round up all those rabid wombats."
"You know Johnny, the word doppleganger originated in Germany, were it was believed that if a doppleganger ever met its original, they would cancel each other out," Nick stated, proud of his useless bit of trivia.
"Well, there certainly was a lot of canceling out as we pitted one Celebrity Character from an original movie, television, ect... against his or her own Celebrity Doppleganger. And there's still more to come in our..." Johnny paused dramatically before he continued, albeit with a slightly enhanced sound clip, "MAIN EVENT! Ready Nick?"
"You betcha. Referee Mills Lane is down there in the rink right now with our two new gladiators. In one corner, from Stargate the movie, Jack O'Neill!"
The crowd roared in approval as Nick continued, "And in the other corner, from Stargate SG-1, Jack O'Neill!"
"Looks like both contenders brought their own crew for support," Johnny said. "Both Daniel Jackson's, one with Major Samantha Carter and Teal'C in tow."
"Hmm..." Nick mused, "It seems to me like Jack #2 has a slight edge in numbers when it comes to friendly audience."
"Not necessarily. Many more people have seen the movie Stargate then the actual show. After all, who watches Showtime when HBO has Sex and the City?"
Nick chuckled, "Yeah. You've got to love Sarah Jessica Parker."
Meanwhile, ring side, a certain Daniel Jackson #2 was getting restless.
"I still don't see why I didn't get to dopplegang it out with Daniel #1," Daniel whined, stomping his foot to accentuate his irritation.
"Well you see Daniel, this is the main event and short, boring fights have to be prevented at all costs. The production office decided that you and Jackson #1 would die too quickly."
Daniel's shoulders slumped, "Thanks for the vote of confidence, Sam. At least I brought my coffee."
"I do not understand, Danieljackson," Teal'C said, eyebrow raised. "Why bring your own coffee to a sporting event when these tasty sour beverages are provided for such a nominal fee?" Teal'C gestured to the eight, no, nine large cups of lemonade scattered around his feet.
"I... brought it for Jack," Daniel sputtered defensively. "You know, for when he wins and needs an extra boost before the next mission."
"But you have already ingested over half," Teal'C reasoned, before plunging into his tenth lemonade. "Mmmm. Bitter, yet coolly satisfying," a warm, contented smile overtook the Jaffa's face.
Back up in the Announcer Booth, Nick and Johnny finally wrapped up their discussion of HBO's exciting line-up.
"Heh heh, sorry about that folks," Nick grinned bashfully, "Now, let's get this Doppleganging Duel started!"
Jacks 1 and 2 approached each other in the center of the ring.
"Okay, to make identification easier the two of yous have been given dog tags. Jack O'Neill from the movie has tags with the number 1 imprinted on it, while Jack O'Neill from the series has tags with the number 2," Mills said, handing each man his tags.
"Now I want this to be a good, clean fight," Mills glared at both Jacks before stepping back. "Let's get it on!"
The two circled each other, "I hope you like those tags," Number 1 spat, "Cuz I'm gonna make ou eat 'em!"
Number 2 snorted, "Yeah, right. I've seen the movie. You hit like Danny-boy!"
"Go Colonel!" Sam screamed from the front row.
"Uh, actually Sam," Daniel began, "They're both Colonels."
"Oh," Sam frowned, furrowing her brows, "In that case, go Jack!"
"They are both named Jack, as well, Major Carter," Teal'C responded.
"Oh. Wow, this is confusing," Sam muttered.
"Well, go figure!" Jack 1 called out, "You're blonde!"
"Hey!" Jack 2 snarled, "You can't talk to her like that! That's my job!" Jack 2 leapt towards the original, knocking him flat on his back and landing on his ribs with a sickening crunch.
"Ooo," Jack 2 winced, "That sounds painful. Maybe I should ask Carter to splint that for ya."
"Ouch," Johnny shook his head, "Now that's just cruel."
"I dunno Johnny. We've seen worse injuries then a couple of cracked ribs."
"I'm not talking about that! I'm talking about that thing he said about Carter splinting number 1. These people came to see real carnage, not torture!"
Nick nodded, "Oh yeah, never thought about that."
Jack 2 continued pummeling 1 with his fists, "Ya know," Number 1 said in between blows, "Ra was such a pushover. You'd never last against some of the stuff I've seen!"
"Really?" Jack 1 kicked Jack 2 into a ring post. He stood up, wiping the blood and chunks of raw flesh off his face, "I'm sure those little yellow bolts of light from the episode "Prodigy" were real challenging!"
Jack 1 rushed Jack 2, who was still reeling from his recent impact. He tore off number 2's arm and began to viciously beat him with it.
"Wow," Nick exclaimed, "I haven't seen that much self abuse since I went to David Hasslehoff's last concert!"
Jack 2 managed to roll to the side, avoiding any more clots from his own arm. He staggered forward and swung his left fist at Jack 1, only to have it caught, as number 1 whirled around. Jack 1 brought his knee up into Jack 2's groin.
A muffled groan escaped Jack 2's lips as he sank to the mat.
"The classic 'knee to the groin' maneuver," Nick said, "Very effective, if not very original."
Johnny nodded his agreement, "But neither Jack became a soldier to be original. They became soldiers so they could kick some ass! And that's certainly being done today."
"What's the matter 2?" Jack 1 asked snidely, "All outta wise cracks?"
Jack 2 fought to regain balance on his knees before reaching into his BDU's and withdrawing a Zat gun, "Why don't you CRACK THIS!"
But just as he fired, Jack 1 ducked, allowing the Zat blast to continue into the audience, where it hit none other than Daniel Jackson #1! And before Jack 2 could stop himself, he fired another shot, effectively killing the original Daniel.
"NOOOO!!!" Jack 1 howled.
"Eesh..." Johnny groaned, "It looks like Jack 2 miscalculated the reflexes of the younger and quicker Jack 1. And in Celebrity Doppleganger, that's the last thing you want to do."
Jack 2 cringed, "Oops, sorry 'bout that. I'll tell you what, if you win, you can have my Danny, just to show no hard feelings." He paused, "Hell, I'll even throw in Carter for free."
"What!?" Sam screamed, startling poor Teal'C enough that he spilt his 12th lemonade on an already dejected Daniel.
"Don't worry Carter, I can't lose!" Jack 2 assured her.
"Is that right?" Jack 1 asked coyly, "Well, then it looks like I'm gonna have to keep what I promised you earlier."
Jack 2 frowned, "And what, pray tell, might that be?"
"I'm gonna make you eat those lovely dog tags!" And with that, Jack 1 ripped the tags right off Jack 2 and shoved them down his throat. Jack 2 doubled over in agony.
"Those razor-sharp dog tags can't be doing much to help Jack 2's digestive track," Nick blanched.
"Right," Johnny said. "Jack O'Neill may be tough as nails on the outside, but he's soft and tender on the inside, just like the rest of us."
"Watch it Johnny, Jack 2 might come after you for using that cliche."
Both men chuckled.
Jack 2 continued to writhe on the mat, "Hey, looks like you've got something in your throat, buddy," Jack 1 sneered. "Lemme help you out with that."
Jack 1 rammed his fist down 2's esophagus, and pulled out the dog tags, slick with blood. Jack 2 coughed, allowing more of the thick vermillion liquid to froth out. Suddenly, number 1 was there, wrapping Jack 2's dog tags around his throat.
"Strangulation by his own dog tags!" Johnny marveled, "I take it back. Jack 1 is definitely creative."
"True as that may be, maybe you should take a look at Major Carter," Nick said, staring down at the aforementioned Major. She stood rigid, her fists clenched with a burning fire in her eyes.
"Uh oh," Johnny gasped. "It appears like Major Carter's post-modern feministic veiws took serious offence to being virtually handed to Jack 1 as a betting prize. Hope she doesn't do anything too drastic."
Johnny unwittingly jinxed himself, for at that very moment, Samantha Carter jumped into the ring and tore Jack 1 away from Jack 2. Furiously, she began hitting and kicking number 1 into an inch of his life. And then, just as it seemed that she would be merciful, Sam pulled out a ribbon device and finished number 1 off.
The audience cheered wildly, but Sam was far from finished. She turned, grabbing up her Jack's discarded right arm and began to beat him with it.
"You bastard!" she screamed, "What were you thinking? Betting mine and Daniel's lives! We're people too, and you have no right to use us as your personal poker chips!"
"Aww, come on Carter! OW! Stop! That's an order! Ooch! AGH! But Sam! What about all that, AHH, undeveloped, EESH, sexual tenion between us? OOHOO! How can you deprive our fans of that?"
If Sam heard him, she gave no sign, and continued her tirade, "This is for betting me!" WHACK "This is for almost getting yourself killed...AGAIN!" WHACK "This is for all the times you've ignored my advice!" WHACK "And this is for being a man in general!" WHACK!
Sam stopped, leaning back on her haunches to get some air. Jack timidly glanced up at her, "I'm sorry."
"What?" Sam asked, incredulous.
"I said I'm sorry!" Jack said, louder. He looked down, "I never really mean to hurt you, Sam. I really care about you. More than a friend and definately much more than a teammate."
Sam eyed him up, "Are you just saying that so I won't hit you again?"
"Well, partly," Jack grinned, causing a small smile to bloom on Sam's own face. "I mean, the internal bleeding just stopped and all..." Jack sobered up, "But I really do mean it. I love you, Sam."
Moisture began to well up in Sam's eyes, "Sir, that's the second nicest thing you've ever said to me."
"What's the first?"
"The same thing, only the first time you said it, during the Za'tarc testing. It just takes me awhile to catch on."
"Oh," Jack grinned sheepishly, "So, am I forgiven?"
The tears in Sam's eyes threatened to spill, "Oh Jack, do you have to ask?" Sam pulled him up into a passionate kiss.
A chorus of "Awww's" blended together from the occupants of the Deathmatch Arena. Sam slowly pulled out of the kiss and cupped Jack's face in her hands. She smiled and twisted, effectively snapping Jack's neck.
"And THAT is for that Kynthia bitch!" Sam roared triumphantly.
"Sam!" Daniel jogged up to her, "Do you know you just killed Jack?"
Sam shrugged, "It's okay. SG-4 just brought a sarcophogus through the Gate this morning. He'll be fine. Hey, where's Teal'C?"
"He got tired of waiting for the vendor to come around, so he decided to cut the lemonade off at the source. He said the vendor was unharmed, but I think we should take him back to the sarcophagus just in case."
Sam nodded, "Sure. But we should get going now. It's a long drive back to Colorado and Id like to get to the base before Jack starts to smell."
"Well, it's another semi-happy ending here at the Deathmatch Arena," Johnny announced, in his typically chipper tone.
"So this is Nick Diamond and Johnny Gomez saying good fight, good night," Nick said, finally, and thankfully, finishing the horrible and humiliating fanfic.