Title: Left Behind
Pairing: Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester
Summary: Nothing good lasts forever, even though we all wish it could.
Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural, nor do I know any of the actors that appear in this fic. This is just for my own entertainment and enjoyment.
A/N: This is my first attempt at writing about Supernatural, so please be gentle with me.
Dean can't even bring himself to face his brother right now; instead choosing to stare at his hands as he absentmindedly fiddles with them. A few feet in front of him Sam stands at his open closet; pulling all of his clothes out one article at a time. Not a word is spoken between the brothers as one sits in silent anguish and the other determinedly packs his things.
Dean wants to reach out to his little brother; plead with him to stay. He doesn't even move though. It is not in his personality to plead with anyone, and he knows it wouldn't stop Sam from leaving anyway. He feels helpless in this situation and he hates it. He hates not being able to control things; being able to stop certain things from happening. He doesn't want Sam to leave, but fears he has little choice in the matter.
What hurts him the most is how easy it seems to be for Sam to just pack everything and leave him behind. They have been through a lot together. They have had their ups and downs, but every family does. Plus, their relationship goes deeper than mere siblings. Dean never thought he would see the day when Sam walked out of his life, but that day has come and he doesn't even know what to say. He wants to scream and yell, only he feels numb inside.
He knows that Sam has always wanted a normal life; has rebelled against their dad because of it. But their lives are far from ordinary; they hunt demons for God's sake. They will never truly be normal and he wishes that Sam would see that. The supernatural will always be out there, whether Sam chooses to run away and ignore it or not. And it is their job to hunt them down and kill them. The Winchester's are special and therefore are destined to never lead normal lives. Once Sam learns to accept this, the better his life will be.
Besides, what Dean and Sam do in the privacy of their home isn't exactly normal either, but Dean considers it to be the best thing to happen to them. He has never felt as strongly for anyone as he does Sam. His brother is everything to him; his whole world. The day they decided they had mutual feelings for one another was the best day of Dean's life and he hopes that Sam feels the same way.
"God, I love you so much Dean. If it weren't for you I wouldn't be able to live like this. I hate the fact that dad's gone all the time, I hate the hunts, I hate school because it reminds me of just how fucked up our life is." Sam lets out a depressed sigh as he clings to his brother, burying his face in Dean's neck.
"I love you too Sam. I know you hate our way of life, but there really isn't much you can do about it." Dean says in a soothing tone of voice as he gently rubs Sam's back.
"I can't do anything about it yet, but one day I will." Sam mutters in a whisper.
"What was that?" Asks Dean; having not heard the almost inaudible words.
"It's nothing." Sam replies softly; wrapping his arms around Dean more securely and caressing the soft skin of his side with his finger tips. "Never leave me Dean, promise you'll never leave."
Dean is taken back by this request; wondering what brought this on. He doesn't question his brother about this though, simply kisses his temple and says, "I'll never leave you Sammy."
Dean lets out an audible sigh when this memory surfaces in his mind and he drops his head down into his hands. He idly wonders if he should have made Sam promise the same in return. Maybe then Sam wouldn't be leaving right now. He also wonders if it is possibly his fault for why his brother is leaving. What could he have possibly done wrong though? Nothing is coming to mind. He has done nothing but love and look out for Sam; doing his best to keep him safe. But still the question remains on his troubled mind.
His attention is snapped back to Sam when his brother zips up his duffle bag and tosses it onto his shoulder. Sam doesn't say anything as he leaves the room with his luggage, but Dean quickly follows him out of the house. The rain is pouring down but Dean doesn't even acknowledge it; his focus solely on his brother.
Sam pops the trunk on a beat up, old Ford and drops his things inside before slamming it shut once again. Dean stares at the car in surprise, having never seen the car before and wondering where Sam got it. He also wonders why his brother never told him that he got a car; usually they tell each other everything. Then again, Sam has changed a lot in the last couple of months; his brother is like a stranger to him now.
"When did you get a car?" Dean asks softly; finally finding his voice after being silent for the past thirty minutes or so.
"It's my friend's, he's letting me borrow for now and will pick it up when he comes to visit me in California." Sam responds without even glancing in Dean's direction.
"Why are you doing this Sam?" Dean asks; trying to keep his emotions out of his voice but knowing he can never hide anything from his brother. "I know you've always wanted a normal life, but I never thought things would turn out like this. I mean, Stanford? Did you have to choose a place that was so far away from me?"
Sam lets out a long exhale and turns to face his brother for the first time that night. He walks slowly and stops directly in front of Dean. His eyes express pain and sadness, but what is most visible is the relief he is feeling. Dean wants to ignore that last emotion, but finds it damn hard. Knowing Sam is feeling relief because he is leaving everything behind leaves Dean with an aching soul, but he can't deny that he wants his brother to be happy; even if what is making Sam happy is making himself miserable.
"This is what I want to do Dean, please try to understand. You can't stand there and tell me you didn't see this coming eventually. Besides, what we share Dean... well, it couldn't last forever. You know this, right?" Sam asks softly, but his words still cut Dean deeply.
"So you're not just leaving me for college, you're leaving us behind as well." Dean says more to himself than to his brother; finally realizing what all of this means. Sam had caught him unexpectedly with his decision. Dean never thought his brother doubted their relationship. Call him naive if you want, but he seriously thought Sam was the one for him. He never thought for a second that Sam might not consider him to be the one for him as well.
"Dean... I'm really sorry, but our relationship isn't natural. Two brothers shouldn't be doing what we do. It is incest Dean, it isn't normal." Sam tries to make his brother understand.
"And what is normal Sam?" Dean finally explodes, wanting to shake some sense into the man he loves. "If you haven't noticed, nothing in this world is exactly normal. Everyone has a different definition of normal. What certain people consider normal might not exactly be normal to others. I know what we share isn't exactly smiled upon in society, but it's normal for us. Honestly, it's the only good thing we have going for us."
Dean wants to scream in frustration when Sam shakes his head in denial. "It's not normal Dean, not for me anyway." Dean feels as though he has been punched in the gut when those words slip through Sam's lips. "I'm going to college and by doing this I am also wiping the slate clean. I'm starting over fresh and am going to live a normal life for once."
"I hope you don't come to regret it because I won't be here waiting for you. Once you get in that car that's it, I won't take you back." Even as he says the words Dean knows he is lying, he would take his brother back in a heartbeat if Sam wished it.
The only response he gets from Sam is a sad smile. "You're going to be alright Dean; I have no doubt in my mind about that."
You're wrong about that Sammy. Dean thinks to himself somberly; knowing this is the end. Without you I have nothing to look forward to. I'm going to end up just like dad; hunting demons until I am either left cold inside or one of them finally kills me.
"It's not like this is the end Dean, we'll always be brothers, and we're still going to see each other." Sam says softly, tears filling his eyes because of the pain he knows he is causing Dean.
"I don't know if that makes me happy or just makes the situation worse." Dean replies in a resigned tone of voice. "Having you so close, but knowing I can't touch you or hold you. That sounds like torture to me."
Sam's lower lip trembles as tears finally fall from his eyes; mingling with the rain. "I really am sorry Dean, the last thing I want to do is hurt you, but I can't lie to you either. It wouldn't be fair to either of us. A part of me will always love you and you will always be special to me, you hold a piece of my heart that no one will ever be able to reach. I will cherish the memories we've made, but that's all they can ever be."
Dean looks away from Sam; not wanting to hear these wonderful sentiments. He wants to stay mad at his brother for the pain he is causing. "God I am so sorry Dean." Sam cries as he pulls a slightly resisting Dean into his arms. "You will always be my first love Dean; you own a part of me that no one else ever will."
Dean doesn't respond; just stares into Sam's eyes. For a moment they remain like that; eyes locked while the rain pours down upon them. Slowly, Sam leans in and captures Dean's mouth with his. Dean wants to protest, wants to push Sam away, but instead he finds himself pulling his brother closer. The kiss anything but gently; border lining demanding and harsh. Sam slips his tongue into Dean's welcoming mouth; moaning at the moist warmth. Sliding his fingers through Dean's short hair, he angles his head the way he wants and gains more access to Dean's mouth. They both know this is the last time they will share an embrace like this, so they desperately cling to one another and try to make the best of it; make it their most memorable kiss.
Dean is torn between loving the kiss and wanting to cry. Out of all the kisses they have shared none has been this intense, but it also holds a sense of goodbye that Dean doesn't want to acknowledge.
When Sam pulls away a whine of protest escapes Dean's throat and he has to force himself to release his brother from his death grip. When he opens his eyes he finds Sam smiling softly, but he can't bring himself to return it. He is in anything but a smiling mood and he isn't even going to try to pretend. Sam would see right through him anyway, so what is the use in trying.
Gently, in a caressing fashion, Sam runs his hand down the side of Dean's face and stops when he is cupping his cheek. Dean can tell that he doesn't know what to say, so he decides to help him out by removing Sam's hand from his face and taking a step back. A look of anguish passes through Sam's eyes, but is gone so quickly that Dean has to wonder if it was even there at all or if he just imagined it.
"Well... I should get going." Sam says softly; looking reluctant to leave his brother.
Dean knows that this is what Sam really wants though, so he simply nods his head and motions to the car.
Sam hesitates for but a moment and then is moving in the direction of the vehicle. "I'll be seeing you Dean." Sam throws over his shoulder before getting behind the wheel and shutting the door behind him.
No, Sammy, you won't. Dean thinks miserably to himself, feeling his heart breaking as Sam pulls away from the curb. His heart is now broken within his chest and the jagged edges just keep digging in a little more; causing an almost constant pain. Sam has hurt him more than anyone else ever has and he doesn't know how to handle the misery that has befallen him.
Dean walks out into the middle of street and watches silently as his reason for living drives away; leaving him behind. The unshed tears in his eyes are fighting to be let lose, but Dean refuses to let them fall. Crying is just something that Dean Winchester doesn't do and he will be damned if he even allows one tear to escape.
As he watches the tail lights of Sam's vehicle grow fainter and fainter, walls build up around his heart. He is determined to never let his guard down again. Sam is the first and last person he will allow to get close to his heart and he decides that love is not a part of his life anymore. Never again will he allow himself to fall in love, it just costs too much.
Blinking rain away from his eyes, he continues to watch the disappearing tail lights of the car; secretly hoping to see some kind of sign that Sam still loves him. When nothing happens, Dean lowers his head in resignation, but not once does he take his eyes away from the car in the distance.
Putting a mask upon his face, he stuffs his hands in his pockets and whispers, "Goodbye Sammy."
I must look just like a fool, here in the middle of the road
Standing' there in your review, getting' soaked to the bone
This land is flat as it is mean, a man can see for a hundred miles
So I'm still praying' I might see, the glow of a brake light
But your wheels just turn, down the road ahead
If it hurts at all, you ain't showed it yet
I keep looking' for the slightest sign
That you might miss what you left behind
I know there's nothing' stopping' you now
But I'd settle for a slowdown
Settle For A Slowdown - Dierks Bentley