Start time: Monday June 4, 2007; 5:10 PM PDT
Boy, aren't I going trigger happy with these oneshots?

I don't know why, but I've suddenly been struck with a whole bunch of ideas for oneshots! I don't know what I ate or drank that gave me this inspiration rush, but where can I get more of it!? I know a lot of authors around are struggling with the age old excuse of "writer's block", but once I find out what it was that got me back on my feet with this fanfiction stuff, I'll let you guys know.

This is another quick oneshot. It's geared towards romance and humor (I'm experimenting with this humor genre since it's a niche that I haven't really been writing in for a really long time), but it probably won't be as humorous (or as random or insane) as my latest oneshot Driving Lessons (if you haven't read it, please do, and review!!! My reviewers have told me it was really funny, so that oneshot is dedicated to anyone who wants a laugh). But when I went over the idea in my head, I thought this story was pretty cute (and probably fluffier than Egyptian cotton), so here's a precis (precis—new vocabulary word). It's basically Link reflecting upon the "difficulties" of being Zelda's girlfriend, namely in the present giving department. Anyway, here we go.

I don't own The Legend of Zelda.


Memoirs of a Boyfriend
SirJoshizzle

Before anyone gets started with me, let me just say that I really do love my girlfriend Zelda Harkinian.

In fact, I can't love her any more than I already do even if Hyrule's fate depended on it. There's just something about her that makes me go crazy for her.

Of course there's no such thing as the perfect female body, but Zelda's is as close as you can get. Her flaxen blonde hair flows gracefully in the wind and shimmers every time it touches the light. Her deep indigo eyes twinkle angelically in the moonlight. Her skin is a light peach color. Her breasts are just the right size: small enough so that you don't wonder how she doesn't fall over every time she slouches, but big enough so that you don't mistake her for a feminine looking guy. Her stomach is taut and tight from her hobby of playing tennis, and her toned legs go on for miles, even though she isn't exactly the world's tallest person. Her light, melodic voice floats on air, and it's helped her win many singing competitions.

If there's anything to complain about concerning Zelda, it's picking out presents for her.

Zelda being a girl by default makes it difficult deciding what to give her as a gift. But because I inherently suck at gift giving, it makes it harder than it already is. For example, the last three gift-giving occasions haven't been very… pleasant experiences.

The first one was her seventeenth birthday when we first started going out a little over two years ago.

----------

It was before school, probably 7:15 in the morning, and I found Zelda in the quad talking with her best friend Malon. I went out before I came to drop by the gift shop to buy a bouquet of sunflowers, her favorite flower. I hid them behind my back and approached her.

"Hi Zelda," I beamed brightly. She turned to me and got up from her seat and wrapped her arms around my neck and I snaked my free arm around her waist. From over her shoulder Malon smiled and mouthed "Hi" to me, and I did the same. I let go of her and kissed her softly on her lips.

"Happy birthday," I whispered to her, and I took the flowers from behind my back and extended them out to her.

"Oh Link!" She gasped and took them with both hands. "Thank you!"

She took my hand she sat back down next to Malon, and she made me sit so that she was in between Malon and I.

A few minutes later, her cousin Sheik came up with a rather large box wrapped in gold paper in his hands.

"Hey Zel," he said as he walked over to us. "Hey Link, hey Malon."

Malon and I both smile up at him, and he gave Zelda the box. "Happy birthday."

"Thanks, Sheik!" She grinned and happily tore off the wrapping paper to reveal the box packaging of a Mango PowerBook laptop.

"Oh my Goddesses!" Zelda cried out. She put the box on my lap and she got up to tightly hug him. He just laughed and rubbed her back.

"Thank you, Sheik!"

"Haha, you're welcome," he grinned. She eventually let go of him, and he turned to me.

"So Link, what'd you give the birthday girl?"

My cheeks slowly blushed a bright pink with embarrassment. I just looked away and nervously drummed my fingertips on the box.

"…"

----------

…Yeah… Do you know how awkward that was, being shown up like that? Not a really good feeling…

But I'll never forget last Christmas when I decided to give her a gift card.

----------

I was at home, talking to Malon on the phone, trying to brainstorm ideas for what to give Zelda for Christmas.

"Give her a gift certificate," Malon says. "That's like the most universal gift ever! Can't go wrong with a gift certificate, Link."

I pondered it for a moment. Gift cards do make a pretty good gift, and they work with pretty much any occasion. The only problem now is where to get it?

"Where from?" I asked her. "You're her best friend, what does she like?"

"What!?" She cried out. "You're her boyfriend! You should know!"

"Come on, Malon!" I sigh. "Help me out here."

I hear her sigh into her mouthpiece. "Okay…"

"Does she like Starbucks?" I asked. "Maybe I can get her a ten Rupee gift card from there."

"Nahh…" She drew out. "Zelda doesn't like their coffee or their muffins or anything. Too much caffeine and sugar she says. She prefers Moondollars, but they don't carry gift certificates."

"Oh," I nodded slowly, crossing Starbucks off the list I was making.

"Oh!" I hear her fingers snap through the phone. "Link, I know what you can get her?"

"…Where?" I raise an eyebrow.

I cannot believe Malon talked me into this.

I'm standing outside the entrance to Victoria's Secret. All I can see are mannequins dressed in lacy sexy lingerie, shelf after shelf and rack after rack of bras, panties, and nightgowns, and a sea of women of all ages. Absolutely no men. Hell, not even little boys who go shopping with their moms are in there. I turned around, and on the benches lining the wall opposite to the store entrance are males of all ages: little kids who look no older than ten, teenagers probably around my age, and men who look like they've been married for years. Malon wasn't able to come with me, even though this was her idea. She said she didn't have anything nice to wear.

Go figure girls.

I heaved out a long, exasperated sigh, and slowly walked into the store, hands buried deep in my pockets.

The second I stepped in, all the shoppers and sales clerks' eyes fell of me. They all froze in place, stopping whatever it was that they were doing. I looked over my shoulder, and the guys who were waiting for their moms, wives, and girlfriends all started pointing and laughing at me. I just shook my head and continued to walk towards the closes cash register.

A group of teenage girls looking through pink and white bras saw me and covered their mouths, an obvious attempt to suppress their giggles. Finally, I reached the register. The cashier looked around my age. She had light brown eyes and dark brown hair. She just stared at me in disbelief, her mouth slightly open.

"…Hey," is all I said.

"…Sir," she finally spoke up. "Best Buy is on the other side of the mall." She pointed out the door.

I looked in the direction she was pointing, and the first thing I saw was all of the people outside the store guffawing hysterically.

"No, um…" I looked down and scratched the back of my head. "I'm here to uh… Pick up a gift card for my girlfriend."

"Oh…" She nodded slowly. She took out three different looking gift cards from under the counter. "Pick which one you want."

I didn't really pay attention to what they looked like. I just wanted to pick up the damn card and get the hell out of there. I just picked up a card with light and dark pink stripes running horizontally and "VICTORIA'S SECRET" printed in silver lettering in the middle and gave it to her.

"How many Rupees will you be putting in it?" She asked, taking the card from my hands.

"Twenty will be fine," I replied, handing her a Red Rupee, the equivalent to twenty Rupees.

"Ooh," she smiled. "This girl must be pretty special that you'd spend that much on her, especially if you're going in here alone."

She scanned the card and put the Rupee in the register. I just smiled sheepishly at her. "It's a long story."

"I'll save you the misery and package this," she chuckled, putting the card in a small package and putting it in a bag filled with crepe paper.

"Thank Goddesses…" I sighed in relief, shaking my head. She just laughed and handed me the bag.

"Here you go, sir. Happy holidays," she smiled politely. I took the bag quickly and smiled back. "You too."

I turned around and power walked out the store, ignoring the stares I got from all the women. I exited the store and all the guys were hooting and howling with laughter.

All I could think of was revenge on Malon.

----------

…I still have to get my revenge on that girl. Shoot, making me go in that store alone… At least the cashier didn't make fun of me or laugh in my face or something.

But if you thought that was bad—and believe me, it was bad—nothing will beat our one year anniversary when I decided to write her a song.

----------

I just decided to skip going through the hell of having to put up with the horror that is gift giving, so I just wrote her a song on the piano for our one year anniversary. I sat her down next to me while I was on the piano bench.

"This is for you, Zelda." I smiled. She beamed widely and giggled softly in reply.

I begin playing on the piano and sing the lyrics I wrote.

My love
You're all I want in this world

I'm about to sing the next line, but then her cell phone rang and she answered it. "Hello? …Hey, Malon! What's up?'

Why can't you put this call on hold?

I raised an eyebrow at her, trying to signal to her to please ask Malon if she could call back. But she didn't even seem to notice that I changed the lyrics on her. She started laughing into the mouthpiece and continued to talk to Malon.

"…He did what!? You're kidding!"

I shook my head slowly and looked back to the keyboard and went on playing, going on with the song and the original lyrics.

My one true love
You're the only one in my life
You make all of the wrongs right

But she just kept talking to Malon, completely oblivious that I'm even playing still. "…I know, right!? Marin's such a whore! I heard she's been sleeping with…"

And I… I wonder why you have to pick up your phone
Every time it rings

I sighed softly and looked up from the keyboard and watched her talk on from the corner of my eyes. I changed the lyrics again, just to see if she noticed.

Ohh, and you know…
That you can set vibrate on

But she didn't even look at me.

"…And then she's like, 'I only slept with him because he has money!' Who does that!? Only Marin! Hahaha…"

So I just decided to end the song with the last few lines, since it doesn't look like she's going to start paying attention to me anytime soon.

But no matter what, you'll be
Forever, my true love

I gradually played softer and finally slowly end the song. I exhale noisily and put away the sheet music I made.

"Okay, okay, nice talking to you Malon… Yeah, yeah, yeah bye." She slid her phone closed and put it in her pocket and she turned to me.

"Okay, you can start now." She smiled sweetly, as if she didn't even notice that I was even playing.

I just stared at her, frustration written blatantly all over my face.

----------

After that, I've pretty much given up on giving anyone anything. But then our two year anniversary came around the corner, and I decided that I'd give gift giving another go for redemption's sake. This year, I didn't do anything flashy or buy anything pricey. All I bought her was a simple happy anniversary card. I didn't buy one of those cards with the prewritten message in them, I got a blank card and wrote my own message. It may be a simplistic present, but it didn't beat around the bush like what most presents do. It was short, sweet, and to the point. It got the message I was trying convey across quite nicely.

----------

"…We've had our ups and downs…" She reads aloud, tears streaming down her face. "We've had our moments… But we've made it two years… And here's hoping that we will have so many more to come…" She sniffled a bit and dabbed her nose with a tissue.

"Happy anniversary, Zelda… I love you with all my heart… Love, Link…"

She slowly set the card on the coffee table in front of her and grabbed more tissues from the tissue box and blew her nose and dried her eyes. All I did was watch her with a smile. She got up from her seat and moved towards me and gently pressed her lips against mine.

----------

…Yeah, that was definitely the best present I've given her. And she gave me a little something, if you know what I mean.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that the smaller gifts really do get your message across better than big gaudy PowerBooks or money. A simple message written from the heart can make anyone happy. Next year, I'm giving Zelda a card again.

But if I throw in that pair of emerald earrings that she's been having her eye on for so long, maybe there's a little more in it for me too.

Oh yeah…


The end. Moondollars is a play on the name Starbucks if you haven't caught on yet. Also, the scene at Victoria's Secret really happened to me. A few weeks ago, my brother dropped me off at the mall so I could spend some time with friends. Afterwards, everyone in the group but me left. I called my mom to pick me up, but she said that I had to pick up a gift card at Victoria's Secret for my cousin's birthday. I tried to compromise by getting a gift card from Starbucks or Jamba Juice, but since there's no changing the mind of an Asian mom, I reluctantly went in alone and got the card. Yeah, embarrassing moment. But that's okay.

Remember to read and review Driving Lessons if you have yet to do so, and Charm Bracelet should be updated fairly soon. Just sit tight til then.

Review please, and why not eat some Quack-er while you wait for the spam?


End time: Monday June 4, 2007; 7:52 PM PDT