They can't see my tears when it rains. Funny, the reason I loathed Forks in the first place, the rain, had now become my protection. The drops and mist create a façade to hide the pain in my face. Pain. Pain coursed through my veins, keeping me alive even though I felt I were dead. And yet, I'd become so numb that I couldn't even feel the pain living within me. Pulsating with every beat of my heart. My dead heart. I was very much alive, but my heart was dead. Shattered and broken. Throbbing within me, the pieces were there. But they weren't whole. Not since he left me.
I'd managed to mimic life's daily motions for four months now. Breathing in and out, one breath at a time, day by day by day. It was no life, that's for sure. But I kept living it anyway. For Charlie I guess. Charlie. Everyday he tries to will me to live. Trying to get me to talk, eat, get out of the house, anything. For a while I thought I was doing a pretty good job of trying to act normal. But I wasn't fooling him. Not even for a second. I wasn't fooling myself either.
How much longer could I continue like this? Forever. I'd continue this way forever. I'd once thought that Edward would be my forever. I cringe at just the thought of his name. Forever. Without him in my life, this is my forever. I've accepted that. I almost take comfort in it. Almost.EPOV
It's daylight again. I feel the warmth of the sun's rays on my back as I lay on the floor, huddling in a fetal position. I won't be going out now, not in the sun. Not that I'd moved in the last 72 hours anyway. How long have I been here? In this attic? Three, maybe four months? Who's counting. I hadn't hunted since I'd been here. Since I'd left my family back in Denali.
I had hurt them, I know. I couldn't bare to look at them anymore. Day after day. I had to get out of there. They mourned as though I'd died. As though she had died as well. They had supported my decision to leave Forks even though they tried to reason with me. I was so sure I was doing the right thing. Leaving Bella. It was the only way to protect her. She couldn't really love me. An angel in love with a monster? I tried to believe it but I just couldn't anymore. I was all wrong for her. She'd be better off without me. But now I'm not so sure. Was it the right thing? Have I made a huge mistake? Does it even matter? She wouldn't forgive me, I'm sure. She's probably already found someone else. The Newton boy perhaps. The thought made me ill.
I closed my eyes tighter, trying to stop the thoughts. But I couldn't hide from them. I couldn't hide from the pain. And there was no hope for relief from the pain. The pain that, had I been human, would have ate away at my very being. But I wasn't human. I was a monster. Damned for eternity with no escape. No way to sleep even.
I sighed and rolled over, staring at the sun and sky seeping through the cracks in the roof above me. I thought of that day, in the meadow. Lying on my back staring at the sun and sky with Bella by my side. I remembered the way her warm, delicate fingers traced over my fingers and palm and then the back of my hand and slowly up my arm. Cautiously, as though I may break. I almost smiled at the thought. Bella. My Bella. She was still my Bella and she was out there somewhere. Full of life. I reveled in thoughts of her and knew I could make it another day in this existence.