I smile as he comes down from his high, I crawl up his sweaty body licking up drops as I go, I can never seem to get enough of his taste. I press kisses along his neck and jaw line before pressing my lips to his, this is our first kiss that hasn't been in the heat of the moment; passion induced. It feels good to claim him like this finally, like I've made him mine at last.
I sink to the mattress beside him I hope now he understand how much I love him, although sex isn't the best way to show it, it's the only way I have, the only link to our childhood that isn't tarnished by betrayal and bloodshed. I guess it's odd that this feels perfectly normal for me, to lay here having just fucked my brother, but then father always did say I was screwed in the head. He thinks I had it so easy before I killed them, thinks that my life was so much better than his, if only he knew. I only he could see my past through my eyes instead of his innocent, naïve seven year old ones. He was so young and didn't deserve what was coming to him, didn't need that, I protected him the only way I knew how. It tore us apart, but the years spent yearning for him to come find me, wishing I could go to him were worth it because he was spared. Spared the torment of being father's 'favourite' of being called to him and stripped, of being forced to do thing's that no child should even know of. He still doesn't know the full extent of our father's 'faults' I can't bring myself to tell him. I tell myself it's to protect his innocence that I love so much, but truthfully it's because I'm afraid. I fear the look in his eyes when he finds out what I was made to do, I fear the disgust and the judgement, but mostly I fear the pity, I never want to be pitied and never by him. Never.
I wrap my arms around him a gesture I hope he knows isn't possessive but protective. I suppose you could say I'm obsessed, and I am. If I picked one word in the entire world that meant everything to me it would be 'protect', I need to protect him now, because I came so close to failing,
"I know father, I apologise"
"It's not good enough, I only use the best, and you're no longer the best"
"Maybe I'll use your brother instead, he doing better and better and he so wants to be the best"
His cold laugh rang out as he stepped around the desk brushing his fingers against my skin; it felt like a burning pain but I stopped my self from moving away "maybe he'll make a better toy than you"
I left that room and watched him playing in the garden below, his hair annoying him as it swung in the way of his eyes, and I made my decision, he wouldn't go through what I had, he would be spared. I walked silently to my fathers study and took down the sword that hung above the desk and I turned my hair slipping free of the band that held it in place. I walked to the kitchen and I saw him talking to my mother,
"He's no longer god enough for me. He's failing I think Sasuke would be better, he doing very well at the moment"
"Mm yes, he's trying to prove himself to you"
"I think it's time Sasuke spent a few days with his aunt and uncle"
I could see my mother pause slightly, we both knew what this meant. It would mean Sasuke would be beaten and abused and 'put in his place' ready for my father. It occurred to me that she was just as bad as he was, for not stopping it, for not doing anything and I made my decision, this clan was wrong, it was black and dirty and it would be destroyed. I took the sword in my hands like my father had taught me when I was younger and still believed he would protect me form the world. Ironic how I was going to kill him with his own techniques.
I felt no regret, remorse or guilt as I killed them, they deserved it they 'had it coming' to use a cliché. I felt only the satisfaction that my torment was over and yours would never begin. I looked up over their bodies and you were standing there, your eyes wide, your pain evident, and suddenly I was gripped with fear, the reality struck me. You would now remember me, as the person who took away what you loved and the cold gripped my heart; I couldn't imagine my life without you. Then it occurred to me, to live in this world you need strength, and to get strength you need emotion and what better emotion that hatred? I would teach you strength to survive by making you hate me by giving you a reason to live and to grow better. That's when I uttered those words that would drive you to be the best and to betray your friends and eventually lead you back into my arms,
"Your not even worth killing foolish little brother, if you wish to kill me, hate me, detest me and survive in an unsightly way run and cling to life." The words burned my throat as I said them, it tore my heart out to destroy the one person I cared about.
I left after that unable to look at you anymore, unable to deal with the pain and suffering in your eyes.
It's ironic really I killed my family for doing to me what I'm doing to you, I tell myself that this is different and in some ways it is. For one I would never force you, I may appear to be in control but in truth I do everything for you, you control me without even knowing it. Although I supposed a seven-year doesn't really understand what sex is what it means. I suppose I'm just as bad as they are, I supposed I deserve to die just as much as they do,
"Don't. Don't think those things, your different, this is different"
Sometime it's like you can read my mind and it scares me, how well you understand me; it means you one step closer to becoming like me; a cold heartless bastard who tortured the person he loved in some twisted attempt to protect him.
"You're different, you're not like them and I do understand, I know why you did it. I just need time to forget the pain"
I crush you against me and hold on tight like you could go at any minute,
"You knew" I whispered "What he did to me?"
You nod "Only after, when I was older and I heard old rumours, it started to fit together in my head, the bruises you would never explain, the days when you hated to be touched, the days when you wouldn't come near me. It all made sense" he pressed his head closer to me
"Then you understand what I did?" I say the unspoken plea for forgiveness not going unnoticed
"Yes, and I do" he replies wrapping himself in me
I feel him fall asleep against me his chest sinking into a rhythm and I stare at the ceiling my arms wrapped tightly around him. This is the oddity that is us, brothers asleep in each others arms, in love with each other and both willing to give it all up for that love. The love that kept us close as children split us as teens and brought us together as adults, the words I said on that day will stand between us forever, but they will only serve to bring us closer. I failed once to protect him from the harshness of the world I will never again. He is mine and I will not lose him again.