Title: Freaky Friday
Authoress: Ladya C. Maxine
Summary: It's that time of the month. The day every Organization XIII member fears. It's time…for Saix's monthly rabies shot!
Warning(s): language and violence
Disclaimer: I do not own Kingdom Hearts or any of its characters. I am not making any money off of this and I write with the sole intent to entertain.
A/N: I'm in a quirky mood. Why? I just watched "Dammit Saix" on YouTube and am still in hysterics. It has absolutely nothing to do with this fic, but that's just how my mind works.
by Ladya C. Maxine
Time wasn't of the essence in the World That Never Was. There wasn't even a sun to differentiate day from night, or any stars to study in hopes of working out some sort of pattern that one could convert into hours and minutes. Time only passed as quickly or as slowly as one didn't want it to: it seemed to rush by when weary members wanted nothing more than to sleep, and it just crawled during meetings when weary members really wanted to sleep. The other worlds weren't much bloody helpful either; each had its own time, and it wasn't rare to be in the Pride Lands on a Wednesday, take a two second trip through a Corridor of Darkness and end up in Halloween Town on a Saturday.
Time, all in all, was non-existent, just like them. Still, there was need of some sort of regularity in the World That Never Was, and since there hadn't been any established rules when they first happened upon this abandoned world they'd done what they did best: make their own rules.
One of those rules was that there had to be a fixed time scheme. A few quick calculations, and some sloppy voting later, they'd decided on what was 'day' and what was 'night', when they'd eat and when they'd sleep and when they wouldn't do much of anything (a fair few did a lot of nothing most of the time anyway), and so forth. There hadn't even been any time pieces in this world. Fortunately, an excursion to other worlds had conjured up enough clocks to supply the entire castle.
Unfortunately, another excursion had conjured up their 8th member, Axel.
When he wasn't setting things (and Nobodies) on fire, the redhead was either unscrewing doors and chandeliers, filling shampoo bottles with substances that had no place in the hygienic sector, trying to open up portals beneath unsuspecting team mates feet, or resetting every single clock in the place.
This, Vexen grudgingly figured as he got out of bed, was probably why his alarm hadn't gone off at 4 a.m., as he'd meant it to; meaning that the formula he'd been brewing in the laboratory must have been reduced to nothing but burnt powder at the bottom of the beaker by now; meaning that the experiment he'd been working on for the past month was ruined; meaning that the Castle That Never Was was going to have to put up with one pissed researcher for the next couple of days.
Pulling on his black coat and gloves, the Chilly Academic muttered fiercely, promising all kinds of unpleasant things in the redhead's future. Not today, but he'd be in charge of cooking dinner for the others tomorrow and he'd make sure to add a few extra ingredients to Axel's plate…
"No respect…" Vexen grumbled his favourite phrase. "No respect for his superior at all!"
His stomach growled, and since he could at least rely on his internal clock (which Axel had yet to discover a way to screw up; and knowing the redhead''s persistence, he would), Vexen decided to might as well venture upstairs for breakfast. It being this late meant that the rest were also up and eating. Vexen preferred to not have to deal with any of them until at least noon, but if he was going to have to clean up the mess in the laboratory he might as well eat now; it was going to take him a long time to get everything sorted out.
Worst of all, his complaints would fall on deaf ears. Yes, the Superior would give Axel a stern look and perhaps even a lecture, but if Vexen had the power to deal out punishment he'd send Axel to the farthest world he could find for at least…eternity!
"No respect," he repeated, picking up a pen and walking over to his calendar to mark the beginning of a Day That Isn't Really in the World That Never Was.
He was the only one with a calendar; because of his experiments time was important to him; he had to keep track of how long certain funguses were supposed to ferment and when certain potions needed extra elements added to them.
Crossing out yesterday, the 12th, Vexen opened his door, ready to head out. He took a step outside, into the high hall, stopped, stepped back inside, and, taking a deep breath, glanced back at the calendar, finally realizing what he'd almost missed in his sour mood. Today was…
Now, ice was Vexen's element, so he was well used to the cold, but the chill that ran down his spine almost made his teeth chatter.
"Kingdom hearts save us…"
Ripping the calendar off the wall, he ran out, sprinting down the hall. If he had a heart it would have been hammering in his chest, but, real or not, the feeling of dread coursing through him was enough to fuel his fears and his legs.
Axel kept checking the clock (one of the few he'd left untouched, lest he brought down the wrath of everyone), tapping his spoon against his plate in anticipation. Roxas noticed his friend's twitchiness, and knowing the reason behind said twitchiness, rolled his eyes and went back to eating his pancakes.
Around them everyone was still half-asleep, or, in Xigbar's case, sleepwalking/eating. No matter how early or how late they got up, it always took them a couple of hours to fully appreciate consciousness, and light. Only the Superior, sitting at the head of the table, was fully aware of his surroundings, but he too was silent, mulling over things that only the Superior would even care to mull over.
Axel squirmed in his seat.
Any moment now Vexen was going to stalk inside, and then the real fun would begin! The scientist would rail and cuss and demand respect, and no one would give a damn. Just watching the icy Nobody growing more and more frustrated by his lack of support was something Axel would wake up five hours earlier than usual just to witness.
"You shouldn't push him like that," Roxas muttered, having some difficulty with stabbing his pancake; his still bleary eyes made accuracy a tricky thing.
Axel was about to reply when the peace was broken by a chain of hilarity.
The kitchen door smashed open, hitting Xaldin, who'd gotten up for some more food, right in the face and sending his plate flying across the room, splattering its contents over five other diners before landing in Marluxia's oatmeal, splashing goopy brown sludge across the Graceful Assassin's chest and face and into Larxene and Luxord's plates as well. Xaldin stumbled further, almost knocking Zexion face first into his breakfast before grabbing Lexeaus' broad shoulder for support, causing the Silent Hero to spill his orange juice on the table.
Several curses and death threats were followed up by eleven pairs of eyes, ranging from amused (Axel), to perplexed (the Superior, Xigbar, Lexeaus, Luxord, Demyx and Roxas), to outraged (Xaldin, Marluxia, Larxene, Zexion), turned on the late comer.
"Dammit, Vexen! Why can't you transport safely like everyone else?!" Xaldin bellowed, trying to wring runny egg yolk out of his hair, dripping some on Lexeaus' coat, much the reticent man's obvious displeasure.
Vexen ignored him, panting as he grabbed hold of the back of Luxord's chair, trying to catch his breath. Axel was no longer the source of his distress.
"…What?" asked some.
"…Huh?" wondered a few others.
"I just washed this!" Marluxia seethed, holding up a limp, sticky strand of hair.
Instead of wasting more valuable air, Vexen just held up the calendar. Everyone stared at it, not quite understanding what was so dangerous about Friday the 13th, which had been marked with a thick red marker, with the words DON'T FORGET written in the little square.
"It's that time of the month!" Vexen gasped.
Everyone turned to Larxene, who bristled at the implication.
"Eeeew, gross!" Demyx moaned, pushing his half-eaten meal away. "Not at the table!"
"I am not seeing my period!" Larxene insisted, gripping her butter knife.
"You have been suspiciously less volatile lately…" Luxord reminded her.
"Unless…Dudette, you got yourself knocked up?!" Xigbar laughed.
"Shit man, you mean Marly's actually straight?" Axel groaned, digging into his pocket and pulling out the last few bills he had, tossing them to a smirking Luxord. "Nothing in this world makes sense anymore!"
"I beg your pardon?" Marluxia hissed indignantly.
"And all this time you two had us thinking you were 'just conspiring buddies'. Talk about sneaky with a capital S!"
"I AM straight!"
"I am NOT pregnant! My period is due next week!"
"Eeeeeeeeeewwwww! Not at the table!"
"Silence!!" Vexen shouted, breaking up the squabble, his right eye twitching uncontrollably. Would it kill them, just once, to keep their attention on him for more than a minute?! "Not that time of the month, you ignorant baboons! The other time of the month!"
Finally, the lights started to go on. In one case, they went out: Demyx fainted.
"…No way!" Axel shouted, jumping to his feet and grabbing the calendar from Vexen, flipping through the pages as if that would make the marked date disappear. "I just took out the stitches from last time! You must have marked it wrong!"
"Give me that!" Vexen sniffed, snatching back his trusty calendar. It was bad enough they didn't give his complex calculations much credit; thinking him unable to count the days was downright degrading. "I did no such thing."
"He's right," Zexion said, sitting back, for once not looking disinterested and aloof; he looked worried. "It has been a week since the last full moon…"
"Well," Xigbar said, still dripping with Xaldin's cereal, wiped his face and stood. "I'd better be off on my mission to Dragon land."
"I'm coming with you!" Xaldin said, not even bothering to make himself anything else to eat, or get all the egg shells out of his hair. "I…er…You'll need my wind-controlling abilities."
"And you'll need back-up," Axel said, dragging Roxas along with him.
"My roses need tending to," Marluxia said, wiping his mouth gracefully with a napkin, though his hands were shaking.
"My sitar needs tuning," Demyx said, awakening, a piece of bacon stuck to his cheek.
"This is a guy thing," was Larxene's reason for getting up.
"I need to buy a new pack of cards," Luxord reminded them.
"I cannot be kept away from a highly unstable formula I have brewing in the laboratory," Zexion remembered with much relief.
Lexeaus didn't even give an excuse; he just stood, planning to take his meal to his room and barricade himself inside with every piece of heavy furniture as he could find.
Like wrongfully liberated prisoners being forced to return to the gallows, everyone slouched back to their seats, casting longing looks at the door.
Xemnas, who'd been watching the scene up until now in complete silence, sat back. His bright orange eyes stared at them all before ending up on Vexen, who'd also taken his seat. Every seat at the table was occupied except for one…
"So, it's time for Saix's monthly rabies shots, is it?" he asked in his usual calm voice, lacing his fingers together. "It surprises me that it managed to elude our memories."
"Extensive trauma will do that to people," Axel grumbled.
"You're not afraid of your own teammate, are you?" Xemnas smiled when all of them nodded without shame. "Come now. You are all gifted fighters, and most of you have great minds, not to mention that Saix, once he returns from Halloween Town, will be weary, at best: you shouldn't have any trouble containing him; all it will take is three shots in the shoulder."
"I'll give him a shot alright…" Xigbar grumbled, itching to get out his guns.
"And what about you, sir?" Marluxia sneered at their boss. "Wouldn't it be so much easier if you just ordered that psycho to take his shots without fighting us?"
Xemnas smiled smugly, unashamedly abusing his power as their superior.
"Temper, XI; he is your superior. And I could, but I have business to attend to in Hollow Bastion. I trust that it will be done by the time I return tonight; you don't want to risk another 'Incident', do you?"
The rest returned to glaring at Vexen, who looked away, mumbling under his breath.
Yes, so it hadn't been his greatest moment when, after the others had finally managed to wrestle VII to the ground, he'd dropped the vial of serum, spilling the last dosage they had. Things shouldn't have possibly gotten worse…but they had. While Vexen spent two days creating a new batch, Saix had run ripped apart half the castle, terrorized everyone except the Superior and done some…unthinkable things in Marluxia's garden, then beaten the Graceful Assassin with a shovel when XI, putting his plants before his safety, had run out to try and stop him.
"Good luck," Xemnas couldn't have kept the smirk off his face even if he'd wanted to.
And with those parting words the Superior just teleported out of the room, leaving eleven petrified faces behind. No one spoke at first, most of them thinking back on as many good times they'd had in their Nobody life as they could and wondering where Nobodies went once erased from this existence.
Finally coming to, Xigbar remembered that he was the second-in-command.
"Huddle!" he commanded and they all crowded around him like kids around the ice cream truck. "Okay, here's what we haven't tried yet…"
"Shouldn't we go for what worked last time?" Zexion asked.
"Yeah, because everything went so smoothly last time!" Marluxia scoffed. "It was by pure dumb luck that Lexeaus slipped and fell of Saix."
"Let's try that again!" Axel said.
"I broke my leg," Lexeaus reminded.
"Oh yeah…Let's try that again!" Axel insisted.
"Music soothes the savage beast; why don't I—"
"The last time you tried playing for Saix, Demyx, you spent three weeks just trying to fish all the pieces of your sitar out of the lake, which, need I remind you, was made even more difficult as you were in a full body cast."
"Perhaps if I were to just sit down and talk to him?"
"Luxord, Saix doesn't talk. Saix hurts."
"Oh! I can—"
"No!" the men cut Larxene off, knowing that whatever she had in mind would involve leather straps and a whip, which would certainly not make Saix more manageable.
"Can't we mix the serum in his food instead?" Roxas wanted to know.
"Tried that. He smelled it and flipped the entire table and we all starved that night."
"I still think we should drop Lexeaus on him. That was fun!"
"Perhaps a more scientific approach is needed…"
"Yeah, Vexen. Good idea. Go lock yourself up in your basement for a couple of weeks. Meanwhile, we'll flee the castle and let Saix tear the whole damn place down."
"I think we should lay traps."
"I think we should sic a couple thousand Heartless on him until he's too exhausted to run."
"…I think that might kill him."
"I think I'm in too much fear for my life to care about that right now."
"I think I should be the leader of this Organization."
Everyone blinked at Marluxia.
"Dude, what the heck does that have to do with anything?" Xigbar frowned.
"Hm? Oh, nothing. I just think I should be."
"…Right. Any other, better ideas…?"
Vexen listened while the others tossed about ideas, some more ridiculous, others more suicidal, and a fair few too retarded to even work on paper. His only idea, which he knew everyone was secretly thinking as well, was that this whole thing was a bad idea.
"Why did I even wake up?" he sighed his second favourite phrase to himself.
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