WARNINGS: YAOI (male/male relationship) WITH MATURE CONTENT. Don't blame me for any mental trauma if you read this.

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or any characters in it. I'm just playing with them for my own amusement.

Summary: Uchiha Itachi hasn't slept in nearly 40 hours. Tired and gloomy, he ends up sharing the same onsen with Deidara, Kisame and Tobi. Their company is sheer torture... until Deidara decides to act in an unexpexted way, saving his day.

Sleep Deprivation

by Lances

It had been a tiring day. Uchiha Itachi lay listlessly in the hot, steaming bath, enjoying the calm atmosphere of the Kirigakure Onsen. He had been awake over thirty-six hours in a row, attending a series of meetings the Akatsuki leader had decided to keep, and was well past that little moment when sleep might have claimed him. Consequently, he couldn't do anything but stare into the high, azure sky and try to catch that magical moment of sleep once again, in order to give his body some well-deserved time to rest. This, however, proved to be rather difficult, considering his present company.

"Kisame-san, is it true Itachi-sama always looks that gloomy?"

Without changing his lethargic position, Itachi flicked his eyes towards the blond-haired annoyance and glared. It had taken him less than three minutes to conclude that it was sheer torture to share the same bath with Deidara. The man just simply couldn't shut up.

"Well," Kisame hesitated, sounding irritatingly amused in Itachi's opinion. "At least he never laughs."

"Then it is just as I thought. Hmph." Deidara crossed his arms and slowly sank under the water so that only his right eye was visible above the surface. The mass of golden hair that was always covering half of his face was now wet and heavy, and Itachi briefly wondered why Deidara hadn't brushed it back so that he could see properly with both eyes. Being half blind himself due to the excessive usage of his Mangekyo Sharingan, he simply couldn't understand the other man. Itachi noticed Deidara had at least removed the scope from the mysterious hidden eye since the gadget was now resting on a low table nearby, along with Deidara's red hair tie. So, what was the big secret? Was Deidara's left eye made of wood or something? Too lazy to continue that line of thought, Itachi returned to sulking - at which he excelled.

"I never saw a man less responsive," mused Tobi, who had just arrived from the bar counter with a self-made drink, and who had easily caught the subject of conversation. "Itachi-sama is always so serious and well-composed that he's almost boring."

"You're one to talk, Tobi," Itachi growled, closing his eyes for a moment in order to avoid the sight of naked Deidara standing up in the water. "You're not exactly amiable, yourself."

"I think all of us lack that particular trait." Kisame laughed maliciously with his high-pitched voice.

"That we may well do, Kisame-kun," Tobi smirked. "But in all fairness, I think Itachi-sama is something different. I think he completely lacks the ability to feel, both mentally and psychically. I think he's frigid."

"That's rather harsh, don't you think, Tobi-kun?" Deidara drawled, squeezing water out of his hair.

Kisame readily agreed with the blonde. "You know, when it comes down to it, we're all rather fucked up in the head. But I wouldn't say any of us is physically incapable."

"Kisame-san, we've been gathered in this town for two weeks already and I've yet to see him take interest in a woman."

"Then maybe he prefers men, hmph?" Deidara scratched his nose.

"Well, actually, I never saw him take interest in either gender. But I think that's probably because he takes his work so seriously, not because he's incapable. There's just not enough time for trifle affairs." Kisame shrugged and splashed the water, playing with the bubbles he'd somehow managed to create. Itachi could almost picture a small, yellow rubber duck floating in front of the shark-man, and only barely managed to suppress the grimace that was tugging the corners of his mouth.

"Which brings us back to my original conclusion," Tobi sipped his drink through a straw that oddly disappeared behind his mask he hadn't yet removed for some reason. "He's completely without any feeling, including sexual drive. Alas, he's frigid."

Itachi twitched. "Might I remind you lot that I am still present in this company."

"But, Itachi-san, you must find your release from somewhere, yeah?" Deidara's voice was mirthful. "Do you even masturbate?"

Itachi felt his fingertips burn with the desire to cast Kisame, Deidara and Tobi into a powerful genjutsu where the three of them would rape the living daylights out of each other for three weeks in a row. "Frankly, I don't think that's any of your business, Deidara."

"I think he's still virgin," Tobi quipped, ignoring Itachi's murderous glare. "Maybe that's the reason why he's so frigid in the first place?"

Itachi narrowed his eyes. "One more word, boy, and I will castrate you."

"Ooh, you're getting a reaction out of him!" Kisame's small, round eyes gleamed with delight. "This is getting rather exciting!"

Itachi looked disgusted and closed his eyes, leaning back so that his head rested on the soft pillows laid at the edge of the pool. Why, oh why couldn't he get any sleep? "This conversation is over."

"The hell it is!" Kisame howled with laughter. "Dei-chan, Tobi-kun, do you think this conversation is over?"

Itachi heard Deidara splashing his way towards him, and opened his eyes warily. The blond wacko wasn't going to sit next to him, was he? Itachi's eyes met with Deidara's slim, gently swaying hips, the water only barely covering the blonde's nether regions. Horrified, Itachi quickly closed his eyes again, feigning disinterest at which, as already established, he was very good.

"Aww, Itahchi-san, don't be so cold," Deidara cooed. "We're your friends, yeah? You can tell us everything, and we will help you out. Won't we, Kisame-kun, Tobi-san, hmph?"

"Of course," Kisame chuckled.

"Nothing would please me more," Tobi could hardly keep his countenance.

"Some friends." Itachi muttered and heaved a deep sigh. "Besides, you're forgetting that being frigid isn't the same thing as being impotent. And, for reference, I am neither."

"Ah, my interest has been sparked," Deidara announced with glee and clasped his hands together. Then, quite unexpectedly, he slid himself in Itachi's lap, straddling the black-haired ninja.

Itachi's eyes flew wide open with surprise and shock, his Sharingans activating impulsively. "What the fuck do you think you're doing?"

"I'm testing your degree of frigidness."

"It's frigidity, you dimwit. And you're not testing anything. Get off me."

"Not before you tell me how this feels." Deidara calmly moved his hand to Itachi's crotch and swallowed the tip of his already half-aroused cock with the mouth in his palm. "Hmmmm?"

Itachi's face twisted with both rage and horror - and also with the feeling of extreme pleasure. "Y-you're insane!"

"So they say," Deidara leaned in close and brushed back his hair with his free hand, revealing his face completely to the other man. Then he changed his tone into a gentle and serious whisper. "But I'm still alive, so you must like this."

Itachi only stared. He took notice of Deidara's eyes that were both pale, greyish ice blue and exquisitely beautiful. Deidara gave him a small smile, moving his palm over the ever-hardening member, giving it gentle nips and licks with the mouth in his hand. Itachi didn't quite know how to be, since he'd never experienced anything alike before. Relaxing against his will, Itachi accepted Deidara's advances. He was too tired to fight him off, anyway.

"Look at that! Deidara rendered him completely defenceless in mere thirty seconds," Kisame wondered out loud. "This is unbelievable!"

Tobi had forgotten his drink completely and now fiddled with his mask in order to take it off and out of the way. "You don't say?"

Itachi shivered. He was hypnotized by Deidara's shining eyes – something he had never thought possible, being a skilled Sharingan user himself and an expert in expelling genjutsu. But this wasn't genjutsu... This was something much more dangerous than that. Helplessly, he watched as Deidara shifted closer to him, intertwining their legs underwater and bringing their erections together.


That small sound of appreciation hung in the air, carrying out to long distances despite it was uttered as a silent moan. Deidara grinned victoriously over his shoulder at the amazed spectators that were his two slack-faced friends. "Art is a bang, yeah?"

Kisame gave him a lop-sided smile, flashing his tiny, sharp teeth. "Oh, behave!"

"Deidara-senpai, in case you haven't noticed, you're making out with him in the public bath," Tobi said, sounding more jealous than angry.

"Well, technically, it's no longer public," Kisame pointed out. "You killed everyone else before we entered."

Grudgingly Tobi acknowledged this to be true. Itachi listened to their conversation through a thick haze that had settled inside his brain, making him quite oblivious to almost everything else but the hand playing with his privates. That is, until Deidara kissed him.

Soft, moist lips descended on his own, the tip of a pink tongue coaxing his mouth open. Itachi obliged, not quite knowing what was expected of him since he hadn't really kissed anyone before. His instincts were rather good, however, and he soon had Deidara moaning in his mouth. Deciding to finally drop his façade of extreme aloofness, too tired to keep it up any longer, Itachi pulled at Deidara's long hair and forced the blonde closer, attacking his mouth with a hungry vigour.

"Uh... Tobi-san?"

"Yes, Kisame-sama?"

"Does that mean Itachi's gay?" Kisame asked, pointing at the two.

"I... I don't know." Tobi's voice was a bit shaky. "It might be just Deidara. Itachi's probably only, erm, playing along."

"Well, well." Kisame looked grim for a moment, mulling over the fact that his partner might be gay. Then he stretched his limbs and took a better position in his seat. He wasn't going to miss this show for any price.

"At least it appears he's less frigid than we originally thought," Tobi yielded.

"And twice as scary, looking predatory like that," Kisame actually looked like a love-sick gold-fish.

"Did you guys know he's so big he won't probably even fit?" Deidara exclaimed happily, interrupting their conversation. "Or at least it's gonna hurt like hell. Hmph."

"Deidara-senpai, we did not want to know!" Tobi wailed.

"I did," Kisame admitted, paying close attention to the two young men who were, again, tongue-fighting in front of him.

"What do you mean, it won't fit?" Itachi gasped in between the heated kisses.

Deidara only smirked, and then lifted himself up so that Itachi's straining cock was gently pushing against his bottom. Then he raised an eyebrow at the black-haired man.

"Oh..." Itachi's Sharingans quickly began to retreat when the realization hit him – he could almost feel the red colour escaping from his irises, giving way to sheer lust. Finding it a little hard to breathe under so much unexpected yet still welcome pressure, Itachi grabbed Deidara's arse cheeks and squeezed them so forcibly the skin there would probably bruise later. This was just the right thing to do, since Deidara went completely out of control in his lap and – without warning – impaled himself on his cock. He hadn't even bothered to prepare himself! Luckily, the water that was surrounding them worked as some sort of lubrication and thus eased the pain. Otherwise it would have hurt them both. Now, it only hurt Deidara.

"Kami-sama..." Itachi breathed. Trying to conceal the fact that he was panting rather heavily, he leaned his forehead against Deidara's chest that was heaving just as fast as his own. Deidara was so tight and so hot that Itachi would have come almost immediately had the other man moved his hips even for an inch. However, to his luck, Deidara didn't move. Or, rather, he couldn't move.

"Itachi-san..." the blonde whispered, sobbing. "I'm going to split in two..."

Suppressing the urge to roll eyes, Itachi sighed and moved his hands along Deidara's lower back, trying to actually make him feel better. "Don't blame me if you do."

Deidara miserably buried his face in Itachi's neck and suddenly bit down, seizing the pale skin between his teeth. Itachi let him. He could only imagine how much it really hurt.

"Deidara-senpai...?" Tobi looked a bit worried.

"He's just fine," Itachi said, looking calm again.

"He didn't actually...?" Kisame looked inappropriately curious.

"I think he did," Tobi whispered.

"Enough!" Itachi snapped. "All this ridiculous talk about my libido – or the lack of it, I should probably say – has driven you completely mad. As currently being proved, there's no reason for your concern anymore."

"Hey, don't blame us!" Kisame grumbled. "We haven't slept in almost forty hours. What kind of talk do you expect from a group of sleep-deprived evil assassins?"

"I certainly didn't expect to get my lap full of one. And no, Kisame, you're not allowed to dive. I don't think Deidara would appreciate that kind of attention."

"Spoilsport," Kisame mumbled, crossing his arms in protest.

"Now, if the two of you would finally excuse us," Itachi looked pointedly at them both. "As you so kindly reminded us earlier, we're in a public bath that is no longer public. So, if you don't want to join those poor men you've piled in that corner there, I suggest you leave."

"Oh, what the hell," Kisame said, standing up and grabbing his towel. "I didn't want to see him splitting in half, anyway. I've seen that kind of thing enough for one day, thank you very much, Tobi."

"Hey, I used a sword with those men," Tobi protested, getting up and grabbing his discarded mask from the floor. "Not my cock!"

Itachi watched the two leave the bath and close the door to the dressing area behind them. Then he turned back to Deidara, who was still sucking his neck. There would surely be an ugly love-bite later on. "You still alive, leech?"

"Nnnhh-mmmh." Deidara shuddered.

"You know, I must hand it to you, Deidara, you sure know how to surprise me." Itachi slowly moved his hips, rocking them upwards, and by so doing made Deidara mewl rather loudly. "I never suspected my first time to be in a public bath, much less with a man, having two of my colleagues watching as the third blatantly rapes himself on my cock."

Deidara gasped and momentarily forgot his discomfort: "This really is your first time, yeah, Itachi-san?"

Itachi gave him a rare, genuine smile. "Yeah. Consider yourself lucky."

"Un... I forgot the protection," Deidara blushed, suddenly thinking clearly again. "But don't worry, I don't carry any diseases. And I guess you don't either, if you haven't... I mean... yeah."

"You forgot quite many things just now, I'd say. Still feeling like you're splitting in half?"

Deidara blushed even more. "I... Well... I think it's a little better."

"Good. Because now that you're there, don't even think about getting up before I've had my release." Itachi cruelly grabbed Deidara's jaw and forced the blonde to look at himself. "Start moving."


- -

A/N: This is the product of one sleep-deprived night and morning. Sorry if you think it ends halfway through... maybe I'll write this longer and more detailed on some other site when I have the time. Or maybe I'll continue this here, who knows... But, for now, I just want to get this out of my hands or it shall forever remain a useless WIP in my USB files.