The Complete User's Guide And Manual For

Willy Wonka

Copyright Actors Ltd.

Johnny Depp, Chief Technical Advisor

CONGRATULATIONS! And thank you for ordering your very own Wonka Unit! In order to make the most of your amazing chocolatier, please read the following and absolutely nothing should go awry.

TECHNICALITIES

Unit Name: William 'Willy' Wonka

Type: Male Human

Manufacturers: The Depp Company

Height: 5' 7" (Note: Can seem taller with provided top hat)

Weight: 150 lbs

Eyes: Violet (Note: If you are disturbed by the color for some reason, simply remove the contacts and it shall return to its original model color, of a gorgeous, dark brown.)

Hair: Auburn to brown bob

Adaption: 2005 upgrade (Note: 2005 upgrade maybe be dissimilar to the 1971 original model)

ACCESSORIES

Your Wonka Unit will be shipped to you as soon as possible, but we cannot promise anything since the Depp model has been quite popular as of the late. Units arrive fully clad in their dark colored attire, complete with a cane filled with Nerds and a sleek top hat to complete the look.

As a way of saying 'Thank You' for purchasing a Wonka Unit, it will be shipped off with bonus Gobstoppers to please your sweet tooth. Make sure not to claim it to be gum, or expect to receive a 10 minute lecture from your Wonka Unit.

MODES

Normal Mode: May seem very abnormal at first, but believe us when we say, it's completely normal for a Wonka Unit.

Dark Mode: The most recently added mode, since during the recreation of the Wonka Unit, we collaborated with a fellow company called 'Burton-Co'. (WARNING: May cause frequent flashbacks!)

Germophobe Mode: Due to the Wonka Unit's anti-social attribute, the unit has trouble exposing himself, so to speak. So thanks to the Germophobe Mode, the Wonka Unit shall clean itself!

OPERATING INSTRUCTIONS

Your Wonka Unit will seem distant from you at first, since it has been programmed to be quite anti-social, and be quite a germophobe. All controls are voice activated, but please refrain from mumbling, as this will continue to raise your Wonka Unit's temper level.

Don't be worried if you think your Wonka Unit has been injected with botox, it has been programmed to smile twenty-four seven, until he is been put into Dark Mode.

Here are some of the things your Wonka Unit is capable of:

Skilled Candymaker
Running a little low on sweets? Not to worry, your Wonka Unit can whip up a delight in less than five minutes, using the most unexpected ingredients.

Computer Whiz
Even a chocolatier has their run-ins with some technical mumbo jumbo, but luckily the Wonka Unit is skillfully trained in using computers and handling big, ugly machines! (WARNING: Please keep away all Teevee Units when your Wonka Unit is explaining the uses of the television chocolate!)

An Eye of Interest
Is your life feeling dull? Just stick around with your Wonka Unit, and he'll brighten up your days, with his shockingly, white smile, his giddy attitude and his snazzy attire. Bring him a long to the party and all the attention will be on the both of you. (Note: Never make it seem that the two of you are a couple, it will scare the hell out of your Wonka Unit and may corrupt its emotion drive.)

CLEANING

Cleaning is a must when it comes to your Wonka Unit! Even if the smallest bit of dirt or dust and your Wonka Unit will go loco. Luckily, thanks to Germaphobe Mode, your Wonka Unit can clean itself.

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

Q: I don't like the weird goggle things my Wonka Unit wears. Can I persuade him to wear a different kind?
A: You can try, but it won't work. Wonka Unit's are designed to be quite stubborn, so they will refuse anything 'new' or different you offer them.

Q: Can my Wonka Unit fall in love with a custom made unit, if I make the custom one all pretty and stuff?
A: If your custom made unit is a 'Mary Sue' model, then I suggest you order a 'Mary Sue' upgrade for your Wonka Unit, otherwise your Wonka will simply avoid your custom unit. We suggest you create your custom unit wisely, and not upgrade your Wonka Unit at all, and let fate unfold itself.

Q: I hate my Wonka Unit's hair! Can I change it?
A: Sadly, no. The Wonka Unit will continue to believe that its haircut is completely normal, so don't even try to change it. Some Depp models that were used were built back in its 'bad boy' days, so you never know, your Wonka Unit might even lash out on you.

Q: My Wonka Unit can't seem to see where its going, since it keeps walking into walls, doors etc. Has my Wonka Unit malfunctioned?
A: Have you recently removed the violet contacts from your Wonka Unit's eyes? If so, you may not have done it correctly, so simply call 1-800-I-SCREWED-UP-ITS-EYES and we'll fix it for you.

Q: I'm a sick freak and I want my Wonka Unit to get it on with my Charlie Unit! Is there an upgrade?
A: The decision for this controversial upgrade was all but unanimous. At the end, it was agreed, so yes, there is an upgrade. It is quite costly, and is limited offer only, so all you sick freaks out there, get your hands on it now before its too late!

TROUBLESHOOTING

Problem: My Wonka Unit has been singing Michael Jackson songs and dancing in a retarded fashion. What the hell is happening?
Solution: We apologize for the inconvenience (unless you're enjoying it) but our manufacturers confuse the two of them quite often. It remains a mystery to us as to why that is. It could be the pasty complexion or the high toned voice, but when it comes to personality, the two are very different from the other. Simply give us a call and we'll gladly exchange it for a proper Wonka Unit. Until we sort out those problems, suggest a song for your entertainment. We recommend 'Thriller'.

Problem: My Wonka Unit has been wearing eyeliner, is an alcoholic, and of course, LOOKS NOTHING LIKE WILLY WONKA! What's going on?
Solution: You have accidentally purchased the 'Captain Jack Sparrow Unit™' from our company (this Unit is collaborated with Disney). You should actually feel quite privileged, since that particular Unit is extremely popular. We will gladly exchange your Sparrow Unit with a Wonka Unit, as long as its returned to the company within 30 days for an exchange or full refund. In the meantime, DO NOT BURN THE RUM.

Problem: My Wonka Unit's candy tastes crap and it's been moping around lately and acting like an emo. What's wrong with it?
Solution: Has a Charlie Unit recently declined Wonka's offer of the factory? If so, just leave it, it's completely natural. Eventually, your Wonka Unit will solve things on its own.

Problem: My Wonka Unit's afraid of my Dr Wonka Unit. What's wrong?
Solution: Put your Wonka Unit into Dark Mode immediately, and enjoy the family reunion.

FINAL NOTES

In conclusion, due to your purchase of the Wonka Unit, your life will never be the same again. It will brighten up your days, disturb you, entertain you, and drive you to the edge of annoyance. Please be tolerant to your Wonka Unit once it first arrives, as it dislikes change and takes some time to adapt to new environments. Let you and your Wonka Unit live separate lives, but still in the same buildings. This Unit is still new and slightly unstable, but in the end, you will wonder how you went on with life without it.


Based on a clever V For Vendetta version I read by Evey1812. XD Kudos to them!