Disclaimer : the plot belongs to me, the characters all belong to their respective companies.

Expanded disclaimer at the end of the story.

Spoiler Warning : None whatsoever.

No-One Would Ever Believe Him

A small whimper escaped as he heaved himself over the rim of the dumpster and saw the alien world he now found himself in. Slowly lurching out of the alley, he moved down the street, unaware of the shocked looks and cries of the inhabitants as they caught sight of him.

His brain might have suffered further damage, but just then he caught sight of a nearby shop window and was utterly, completely captivated. As he looked over the delicacies he murmured "Mmmm, erotic cakes!"

His eyes glazed, his tongue lolled out, and he emitted a low moan of soon to be satisfied pleasure. In a candied daze, he stumbled into the store.

The Colonel strode determinedly through the streets, quartering the town with military precision. He was running out of time. Unless he found his target soon, his adversary would triumph and Jack would know the bitter taste of defeat. Turning a corner his thoroughness was rewarded. Before him was the objective he had searched so long for, his purpose, his aim, his goal.

The delicatessen.

Ferretti had come up trumps again, and regretfully Jack put aside his plans for retribution knowing the debt was paid and his subordinate was covered – for now.

With the General's birthday party rapidly approaching, the betting at the mountain was feverish. Which of the first division pranksters would come out on top? For the first time Jack was not the odds on favourite and he had sworn that no matter what, losing to Sergeant Siler was not an option.

Jack blinked. The few pedestrians in his sight were behaving strangely (even for Colorado Springs). Several people were leaning against walls, others were pointing and talking rapidly to one another. They didn't seem frightened though, so shrugging his shoulders, he guessed a purse snatcher or some such had passed through.

The bell rang as he entered the shop and, glancing round at the various cakes, he grinned at the image of General Hammond's face when he saw the birthday meal his second-in-command had prepared for him. Abruptly Jack froze, his eyes slowly widening as his gaze fastened on the sight before him.

Of all the cake shops in all the world, he just had to walk into this one.

In all his years he had seen many strange and disturbing things. The weird and the wonderful, the exotic and the mundane; and things so utterly alien as to boggle the imagination.

He'd seen worlds end and suns die. He'd heard plants sing and time warp. He'd seen more alien doohickies than he could shake a stick at and knew more about rocks than he had ever wanted to. He'd even heard Teal'c crack a joke and seen Carter struck speechless. But after everything that the universe had thrown at him, in all the Stargate travel he had undergone, he had assumed he was immune to this degree of shock.

And we all know the saying regarding what happens when you make assumptions.

There was a large man ogling the cakes in front of him. A large yellow man. Not just yellow skinned – he was actually yellow, like the crayons Jack improved Dr. Jackson's reports with. By now the logical centre of Jack's brain was a gibbering wreck, metaphorical fingers in its ears going 'La-La-La-La' to itself.

This was making it difficult for Jack to make any other observations about the man's appearance. 'Huh, not a purse snatcher then,' being the only thought that rose from the gelled puddle that used to be his mind.

Staring despondently at the appetising cakes sitting tantalisingly out of his reach, it wasn't fair that he didn't have his wallet. It was all their fault. If he hadn't had to rush to escape the harridans, he wouldn't have left it behind on the couch, and he wouldn't now be only looking at the goodies instead of enjoying them.

Life just didn't like him.

As his eyes roamed the display, his stomach rumbling in complaint at the torture it was going through, drool gathering at the corners of his mouth, a man moved up beside him and touched his arm.

"Excuse me, but I'm fairly sure I've seen you somewhere before."

As the large man turned to face him, Jack desperately tried to hold onto his nonchalant façade as he stared at quite possibly the only thing that would stump even Carter's ability to explain the universe.

Jack paused for a response, but the man only looked at him blankly for a moment before turning back to the cakes.

"Are you okay?" Jack ventured.

"They look so good and I'm so hungry!" the man moaned.

"They do look good don't they? Why don't you get one? No one to give it to?"

"It's not that," he replied, "I don't have any money – and I'm hungry!"

"Well we can't have that can we? Going hungry is never fun, so I should help you out, right?" stated Jack with his trademark grin, "I have a bit of spare cash with me, if maybe you'd do me one small favour?"

They parted, both men pleased with the outcome of their little bargain, Jack heading back towards his car as behind him his partner-in-crime sat down on a nearby bench and dug into his precious treat.

Glancing back, Jack was struck by the ironies of life. Here he was, with proof that the universe as they knew it was infinitely more bizarre than anyone had ever imagined, yet it was so fantastical that not even his team let alone anyone in the entire SGC would believe his tale.

He sighed contentedly as he flipped open his camera phone to look yet again at the image he had taken a few minutes before. It showed Colonel Jack O'Neill of Stargate Command with his arm around the shoulders of the one and only Homer Simpson, smirking into the lens while giving a jaunty little wave.

Shaking his head at the picture Jack murmured, "this really takes the cake," before closing his phone and proceeding on his way, whistling merrily to himself.


Expanded Disclaimer : I do not own 'Stargate SG1' or 'The Simpsons' no matter how much I may wish to. Nor do I own 'Casablanca'. (I just didn't want to explain the X-over at the top :P)

The reason I chose K+ rating was for the use of the word 'erotic', I felt it would be wrong of me to warp children's fragile little minds.

Even if 'The Simpsons' did do it first.

Author's Note :

This being my first posted fic I really have no clue what to write here, just that until I wrote it the plot bunny gnawing on my ankle wouldn't let me get back to what I was already working on.

I hope you all enjoyed reading this (slightly strange?) fan-fic and give me the occasional review to help prod me on my way :-)

By the way, if any of you have any helpful comments on how to write summaries or notes like this one, feel free to pass them along – all help is welcome.

I'm also concerned that this is not posted in the correct category. Where do you think this belongs?

Hope to see you again when I (eventually) post other stories.