Title: Hold on to the Nights
Author: Barbara Graf
Summary: Will Draco be able to choose between what is right and what is loyalty?
Rating: PG-13 for Slash theme and mention of rape and incest.
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me. They belong to J.K. Rowling. I'm not trying to make any money off of them or anything. Just another bored Harry Potter fan waiting for book 5 to come out.
A/N: This story contains SLASH themes. Meaning, I have written a story about two males in a relationship. If this makes you uncomfortable, please hit the back button on your computer now. If it doesn't, then read ahead. If you feel the need to flame me, take it somewhere else, I don't have the time for your prejudices. There is no sex in this story, as that will come in a later chapter. The song is "Hold on to the Nights," and it is sung by Richard Marx.
Dedication: For my Baby Lion. Thank you for always believing in me.
Just when I believe
I couldn't ever want for more
This ever changing world
Pushes me through another door
I lie here, staring up at the ceiling, wondering what else I could want out of life. I have everything I need right at the moment. The person I have loved, been in love with since I was 11 years old is lying right next to me, breathing a deep, even breath, sound asleep. I reach over and brush the hair off his forehead. He stirs and shifts in his sleep, for once not waking up with nightmares. I smile softly and sigh to myself, knowing that this happiness between him and I cannot last.
I wonder if this happiness can ever last, what with what is expected of me. After all, he is the "Boy Who Lived," I am the son of a Death Eater. He is expected to fight in the war against Voldemort, I am expected to kill muggles and those who don't follow the rules of Voldemort. I couldn't want anything more than what I have now, which is the love of my life in my bed. I've always wanted this, even when I was hurtling insults at him.
I wince as a pain shoots through my arm, and I look down and see the angry mark of the death
eater glowing red, meaning that Voldemort is calling for a meeting of all his loyal servants.
Sighing, I want to ignore this message as this world of mine keeps pushing me through another
door. I want to stay here, lie here in bed with Harry, but if I ignore it, I don't want to think of the
consequences of what would happen if someone found me here, in bed, with Harry Potter.
I saw you smile, and my mind could not erase,
The beauty of your face
Just for awhile,
Won't you let me shelter you?
The first time I ever saw Harry Potter, I was 11 and we were sitting in Madam Markin's Robe Shop and I was droning on about Qudditch and something and I could tell he had no idea what I was talking about. I knew who he was, after all, what Wizard didn't know who Harry Potter was? He was the "Boy Who Lived," the only person who survived the Avdara Kadvra curse and who defeated Voldemort. I knew more than I wanted him to believe. He was the one person my father always said I had to be better than, and that if he had his way, he'd find that "Damn Harry Potter" and kill him. He said that someone like Harry didn't deserve to live and that we Malfoy's were better than Harry Potter's kind. I never understood what he meant by that, but now I realize that my father was jealous of Harry, and that even with all his wealth and power, he never had the one thing that Harry has, which was the respect of the Wizarding World.
I tried to be his friend, but to be fair, I came across as pompous and an asshole, kinda like Ron's older brother, Percy. Except that Percy is an asshole and a pompous prick. I just wanted to be Harry's friend at first, to be able to show him what "my" kind of people were. But it wasn't meant to be. He was sorted into Gryfindor, I was put in Slytherin, which was expected of me. I watched him from afar, made his life a living hell.
He hated me, and I made sure that he never knew my true feelings for him. I made sure that it
seemed like I hated him. All I wanted to do was shelter him from everything, that he had enough
hurt in his life and instead of helping him, all I did was make it worse. I teased him and made fun
of him and always talked about him having "no proper family." I could tell those words stung him
and I would do anything to take back all I said when I was 11. I wanted to shelter him from
everything and all I ended up was being a pompous asshole.
Hold on to the night
Hold on to the memories
I wish that I could give you something more
And I could be yours
I wince in pain as the mark glows more and more red. I have to hold on to the memories that
Harry and I have made. I have to hold on to the nights we've shared. God Harry, how I wish I
could give you all of me, that I could be totally yours, but I never can. I can't share with you that
I'm a death eater, you'd never forgive me. You'd think that I'd deliberately do this to hurt you, to
turn you over to Voldemort. Can't you understand the pain I'm going through, the anguish that
this causes me? That I want to be totally yours, no one else's? I don't want to have this mark on
me. This mark was a nice little present from my father when I turned 15, he put the Imperio
Curse on me and had one of his Death Eater friends put the mark on me while Voldemort
watched. I know what's expected of me. I'm expected to follow and be Voldemort's right hand
man. I don't want that. I want to be yours, Harry. I wish that I could give you something more. I
can't even give you me. I want to be yours forever.
How do we explain?
Something that took us by surprise
Promises in vain
I could never explain this to my father. How could I? This love completely took me by surprise, that I couldn't control it. I know what's expected of me. I'm supposed to be the next Voldemort, kill people just for the hell of it. Funny thing is, that at one time, its all I wanted. I wanted to make my father proud, to finally have his love and his respect. Funny thing is, now I know that I could never have it because of the fact that he doesn't know how to love.
Your love took me by surprise, Harry. I never expected you to come to me and tell me that you love me. It took me completely off guard and I couldn't even come up with a snappy come back. I just knew that I stood there with my mouth hanging open like an idiot. My mortal enemy, the one person I was raised to hate, is actually in love with me? The one person I've been in love with for the past 5 years, is actually telling me that he loves me? I couldn't say anything, but just stand there and stare at you. You? Harry Potter? Loved me? Draco Malfoy? The unlovable son of Lucius Malfoy?
We made a promise that we would always be truthful with each other. That promise was in vain,
because shortly after we declared our love to each other, my father gave me my sweet 16 birthday
present, the mark of a death eater. I didn't want it, please believe that Harry. I didn't want my
father to do this to me. He put me in the Imperio Curse and told me that if I screamed, he would
kill me without a second thought. How could I tell you, Harry? You would never believe me if I
told you it was forced upon me, like being raped. I tried to say no, but my father put a silencing
charm on me also, so I couldn't speak. Then for another lovely gift, he decided that would be the
night that he would rape me physically. I shudder and try to block out the memories that assault
me. I push them out of my mind. I made a promise I couldn't keep. It was a promise in vain. I'm
sorry, Harry, that this was the one thing that I could never tell you.
Love that is in real but in disguise
What happens now?
Do we break another rule?
And let our lovers play the fool?
I don't know how
To stop feeling this way
I know that my love for you is real. After all, you don't love someone from the time your 11 until the time your 19. What happens to us now, Harry? Do I tell you and risk losing you for life? Or do I take a chance with my heart and open up, telling you everything. Do I break another rule? By going against the one rule of being a Malfoy, which is opening up and sharing your feelings. Do I break another rule and give my heart to you forever?
I know how hard it was to keep everyone fooled. We've done it for a year now. Everyone thinks
that Pansy Parkinson and I are dating, and even she keeps owling me, asking me when I'm going
to come and see her. I can't stomach the thought of being with her. She makes me sick. She's such
a conniving little witch and I hate her. I can't very well tell her what's going on, could I? I don't
mind letting her play the fool, but you.......well, Harry, you're different. I want to tell you
everything. I wish I could stop feeling this way about you. You deserve so much better than me,
but you seem not to want anybody else but me. I don't know what to do. How can I stop feeling
this way? Sometimes it would just seem so easy to kill myself, but I can't do that. How do I stop
feeling this way? Will somebody please tell me?
Well, I think that I've been true to everybody else but me
And the way I feel about you makes my heart long to be free
Everytime I look into your eyes I'm helplessly aware
That the someone I've been searching for is right there
I know that everyone knows what I feel about you. Its not hard to read it on my face. I wish that my heart could be free, that I could be free to love you. But the only way that could happen is if my father would die, and I know that's about as likely to happen as me turning straight and marrying Pansy Parkinson.
You look at me so trustingly Harry. Why? Why do you trust me? Why do you make my heart
want to be free? Why when I look into your eyes I know I've found my soul mate? My true love?
Why? Why do I love you like I do? Why do I know that if I'd let my heart be free, you would
treasure it and never leave it go? Why do I know that the one person I've been searching for all
my life is right in front of my face? Why is it the one person I love I can't love freely and without
hesitation? Why? I want you Harry, I love you. More than anything. Hold on to the memories
we've made Harry. 'Cause my destiny has been chosen for me, and I can't fight destiny. I know
what I'm going to do tonight. Its going to cause people a lot of pain, but I know what I am going
to do. The one thing I should've done in the beginning.
A/N: Aha! A cliffhanger. I'm mean aren't I? *smiles evilly.* I can do that, I'm the author. If you liked it, please review. I will do another chapter if I get at least 5 reviews.