The Greatest Story Never Told
Evil laughter rings out over the streets of the Tokyo suburbs. A hotly feminine and quite insane-looking figure materializes into view a second later, standing poised on her tiptoes atop the monkey bars of the local playground. Soon the park is alive with screams of terror and wolf whistles alike, and the distinct, pungent odor of a crowd unanimously either soiling itself or creaming itself as they flee in fear from the figure or fight the urge to throw themselves at it, because what a figure it is. One of those crosses between beautiful and deadly. You know the kind I'm talking about, when they look like their efficiency at turning you into jelly in the bedroom might only be matched by how fast they can kill you afterward, and what a way to die it would be.
This particular femme fatale brandishes a wicked-looking gun which she lazily twirls in one hand and a mighty set of claws on the other hand, the likely sources of fear for those people who were in the process of fleeing from her. The rest of her is surely what attracts the rest of the crowd as she bares almost-nakedly to the world the kind of perfect feminine figure that could only exist in fiction, including but not limited to shimmering and wavy locks of hair, blindingly perfect teeth, and barely-concealed breasts that not only defy gravity but kick it in the ass and spit in its face.
"FOOLS! YOU CANNOT RUN FROM ME!" she announces, raising her gun and firing brilliant purple light at the would-be escapees.
Two young couples become the first victims. The ambiguously straight boys try valiantly to protect their female and equally straight partners, but to no avail; the light strikes them all, and then passes, leaving them seemingly unhurt.
"Mary!" one boy cries to his girl.
"Sue!" cries the other boy.
"Gary!" says the first one's girlfriend
"Stu!" the second responds.
Gary and Stu make to hug their ladies, until they notice each other across the way. Time seems to freeze, and the background of swing-sets and jungle-gyms disintegrates into a field of posies and daffodils separating them.
The two boys drop the girls on their rumps and lock lips with each other instead, complete with the moist sounds of lips and tongues smacking together as the echo of squealing fangirls distantly reaches their ears.
"Hey!" Mary shouts. She glares at Sue. "Get your man off my man!"
"Get YOUR man off MY man!" Sue declares as their eyes meet.
Time stops again.
Mary stares at Sue.
Sue stares at Mary.
The flower field background leaves the boys to their business and hurries over to highlight the girls' obvious true love.
And without warning Mary pounces upon Sue and engages her in a hot and heavy make-out session the likes of which even the straightest of girls and the gayest of guys would want in on.
"BWAH-HA-HA-HA-HA!" the villainess cackles to the crowd. "TREMBLE, FOOLS! TREMBLE BEFORE MY SLASH-RAY!"
"It's a she-devil! Run!"
"Repent, for judgment has come!"
"Show us your boobs!"
The villainess fires upon them all, affecting each of them in the same way. Macho-men and body-builders cuddle together and giggle as they discuss adopting kittens. Neat and snobby businesswomen with their hair in tight buns let them down to reveal luxurious locks of radiant beauty as they fondle each other. Schoolgirls suddenly begin to fulfill a wide variety of single men's greatest fantasies.
And just as the last pair of males become immensely interested in each other's rippling biceps, a fivesome of teenage girls stumble obliviously upon the scene.
"Oh no, not another monster!" the one with wavy, raven-colored hair complains.
"This was supposed to be our weekend off!" one of the blondes adds, indignantly shaking her ridiculously long pigtails.
"Come on now, Rei, Serena," the other blonde retorts, brushing her own gorgeous hair perfectly into place. "It's our sworn duty to protect this city twenty-four-seven!"
"Perfect little Mina, always the boy scout," the brunette teases.
"If anyone here is practically a boy, it's you, Lita!" Mina counters.
"Come on, you two, now's not the time for fighting!" the blue-haired girl stops them. "We have a job to do!"
"Ami's right!" Serena announces. "Sailor Scouts, transform and roll out!"
"…Huh?" the other girls say in unison as giant question marks appear overhead.
"Er…wait, wrong cartoon…heh-heh," she admits sheepishly. "Ahem! What I meant to say was--"
"Oh bloody hell, just get on with it!" her totally inconspicuous talking black cat demands in a British accent.
"What Luna said!" an equally inconspicuous talking white cat chimes in uselessly.
"Was that really necessary, Artemis?" Luna sneers.
"AHEM!" the evil monster says, tapping her foot. "Any time now would be great! I have other towns to ravage, y'know!"
"ALRIGHT ALREADY!" Serena shouts. "Jeez, I make one little slipup…"
After a lengthy transformation sequence (and several citations for public nudity), the Sailor Scouts stand ready, a mighty rainbow of schoolgirl uniforms.
"In the name of the moon, I will punish you!" Serena announces pointlessly.
"BWAH-HA-HA-HA-HA!" the buxom beauty laughs, her breasts jiggling like the contents of a lava lamp. "You won't defeat me, Sailor Scouts! I am the almighty 3-D!"
The girls stare at each other silently for a moment. "Okay, we can see two D's," Rei speaks up, pointing at her ridiculously obvious bosom, "but what's with the third?"
"The third is for DOOM!" 3-D cackles. "And with my Slash-Ray, you'll all be helpless to stop me!"
3-D raises her blaster and fires at them. The girls consider jumping out of the way, but for the sake of plot convenience they stand still and gasp in shock instead.
The girls glow suddenly with a deep purple light. Serena and Mina's eyes meet first, each noticing the other's long luxurious hippie hair.
"Oh, Serena…I've always loved you…"
"Yes, don't you see…? You're blonde…I'm blonde…we kind of look alike…we're destined to be together!"
"Oh, Mina, take me!"
Mina and Serena instantly lock lips, fondle breasts, squeeze butts, finger--….oh you get the idea.
"MINA! SERENA! How COULD you?!" Ami gasps, but the blondes are already naked by the time her sentence is finished.
"BWAH-HA-HA-HA-HA!" 3-D bellows. "How do you like that, girls?"
"We don't need Moon and Venus to stop you!" Ami stubbornly declares, and looks at her two remaining friends. "Come on, girls, let's—HEY, STOP IT!"
Her friends ignore her, however, far more concerned with each other's sleek, muscular figures that somehow still ooze with femininity.
"Ooh, Rei, you're so bold and brazen…" Lita gushes.
"We should be together, don't you see…? We're the tough-talking, tomboy-ish ass-kickers…we MUST be true lovers!" Rei insists.
In a flash the two are naked, fighting for dominance in their spontaneous lovemaking.
"OH, COME ON!" Ami shouts in horror. "This is soooo wrong! You guys can't do this! 4-Kids is never gonna allow it!"
"It's alright, Ami," Serena chimes in, "they'll just tell everyone we're all cousins! That'll make it okay!"
Ami pauses. Thinks. Processes.
Then smiles. "Oh, alright, then!"
And Ami too gives in and joins the glorious girl-orgy.
"YES!" 3-D shouts triumphantly. "I have defeated the Sailor Scouts without even breaking a sweat! Now there's nothing to stop me from taking over this worl--"
A flash of light goes off, offset by a line of black. A line of blood appears like magic on 3-D's cheek, and the camera zooms in on the background to highlight a perfect rose, sticking up inexplicably in solid concrete.
3-D eyes it in annoyance. "Oh, come on! Who throws a rose, honestly?"
"That would be me!" bellows a hunky voice.
Yaoi artists gasp in delight.
Serena's panties get a little wetter.
"TUXEDO MASK!" everyone shouts in perfect unison.
Indeed, the top-hatted, billowy-caped hero stands perched atop a lamp-post, leaving the question of exactly how he got up there to the imaginations of the viewers.
"That's right! I am Tuxedo Mask!" he announces. "And YOU, villain, are going down!"
"Oh, I don't think so!" 3-D counters. "EAT SLASH-RAY, FRUITCAKE!"
3-D fires at Tuxedo Mask, who stands still and waits for it.
"No problem, I'll just stand here and think about my next move for a while before moving out of the way at the last second," he says. "That's how real movie heroes do it."
"No, Tuxedo Mask!" Artemis yeowls. "Those are just elaborate internal monologues stretched out in movie-time that in reality only span about half a second!"
Tuxedo Mask is struck with the insidious Slash Ray, and 3-D instantly throws her head back in maniacal laughter.
"BWAH-HA-HA-HA-HA! Now there is TRULY nothing to stop me from taking over the worl--OW!"
A cane whacks 3-D across the face, stopping her speech. The villain reels back, screeching profanities for a moment before glaring at the cane's owner, who is none other than the incredibly handsome Tuxedo Mask.
"YOU?.!" 3-D screams. "But I shot you with the Slash Ray! You should be locked up in passion the likes of which would fulfill the wet dreams of yaoi fans everywhere!"
"I would be, villain, had you not forgotten one thing!"
"And what's that?!"
"I'm basically the only male character ON this show!"
"NOOOOOOO!.!.!" 3-D wails dramatically. "How could I have been bested by such an obvious oversight?.!"
"Hurry, Sailor Moon!" Tuxedo Mask urges. "Despite my incredible skill, only you have the power to actually kill any of the crazy freaks we fight!"
Serena looks up from her hot lesbian makeout session long enough to hurl her tiara at the villain, who explodes into dust with a final shriek.
"Hooray! The Sailor Scouts triumph again!"
"Wait a minute!" Luna demands. "You're all still obsessed with getting into each other's knickers!"
"Don't worry, Luna," Tuxedo Mask says. "I'm sure everything will be back to normal in the next episode."
"Oh, I suppose so…"
"Now, I just have one very important question for you."
Tuxedo mask wiggles his eyebrows at Artemis. "Is your friend seeing anybody?"
THE BLOODY FREAKIN' END