A/N: I don't know what it is about Naruto that brings out the crack-fic author in me. Anyway, the fic is post time-skip and Sasuke is supposed to be off fighting the crusades as usual. But I just couldn't leave him out of this one, so in defiance of canon, he's back for little bit. Virtual cookies to anyone who picks the Notorious B.I.G. and Fat Bastard (from Austin Powers) homage! Go see and enjoy.
Disclaimer: I didn't put those mentos in my cousin's cola on purpose. They just fell in…with deadly accuracy. So I shouldn't be stuck with the dry-cleaning bill. I also don't own Naruto, Notorious B.I.G. or anything like them. And don't smoke weed! It's bad for you!
Team seven stood around the large brown package and its questionable contents. Sasuke and Sakura fidgeted slightly and looked up at Naruto who was rubbing his neck contemplatively; his eyes were narrowed down to mere slits. It was Sakura who finally broke the silence.
"It's what?" Naruto shrugged, a little tired of being asked the same question repeatedly.
"Its 'real good shit'... That is what the guy called it. I don't think that's the real name of course. I don't recognise the plant at all. Nothing like it grows in Konoha from what I know."
Sasuke sniffed and cocked his head a little. "That makes it even more suspicious…"
"I totally agree with Sasuke-kun… Wait a minute! Sasuke-kun! What are you doing here?"
Sasuke shifted his weight, still contemplating the large package of dried herb.
"I had some vacation time stored up, so I took a couple weeks off. Orochimaru's okay with it."
"You're on vacation? And y-you took your vacation… in-in Konoha?" Sakura gaped at Sasuke and then looked to Naruto for a little support. Naruto apparently was not the slightest bit surprised or concerned. The blonde ninja was too taken up the package. Sasuke continued speaking.
"Yeah, that way I can monitor the progress of Konoha's ninja, have a wacky and entertaining adventure AND get laid. All at the same time." Sakura looked about her to see if this was kind of colossal joke she wasn't in on. Maybe it wasn't Sasuke; it was probably that idiot Konohamaru using henge. Sakura quickly formed the hand seals.
"KAI!!" Both Sasuke and Naruto looked up surprise.
"What are you doing?" They asked simultaneously. It really was Sasuke apparently.
Sakura's genjutsu release was not in vain however. It undid the henge of Rain ninja who was trying to infiltrate the village, posing as another villager's baby. The release caught both the ninja and the woman by surprise; but especially the poor mother, who had been breastfeeding what she thought, was her child the whole time. The ANBU were quick on the scene.
Sakura decided not to question matters and to check herself in for a psych consult later if the need arose.
Their attention turned once again to the box. Naruto had rescued a farmer from a band of thieves as they tried to attack his cart. Naruto had been on his way back to Konoha, from a mission, when he saw the attack and quickly intervened. The farmer was so grateful; he had given Naruto the large box filled with the dried herb. He had then instructed Naruto to go home and smoke it.
When Naruto had inquired if it was some sort of tobacco, the farmer had laughed. He was told it definitely wasn't tobacco- it was just some 'real good shit'.
"I think we should smoke it, see what happens…" Sai poofed up behind Naruto and removed his ANBU mask.
Sasuke glared as Sai rested his chin on the shoulder of a completely comfortable Naruto, and peered into the box. Inner Sakura was having a Jiraiya moment, being surrounded by three, count them, three hotties. Double thumbs up, nosebleed, oooookay!! Outer Sakura, Sasuke and Naruto still were contemplating the wisdom of smoking a strange herb.
"I don't think a truly grateful person would give Naruto-kun something to harm him. It could be a good and interesting experience."
"That's true! I think Sai's totally right! I say we smoke it!!" Sasuke gritted his teeth as Naruto and Sai grinned at each other. Sai then looked over at Sasuke.
"If Sasuke-kun doesn't want to, he doesn't have to. I understand his reluctance, we can just try it together Naruto-kun!" Sasuke knew goading when he heard it.
"I think we know by now that I'll try anything once." With Sasuke's chilly roundabout consent, Sai then turned to Sakura.
"Sakura-san?" Sakura shifted uncomfortably. Suppose it interfered with their chakra circulatory systems or caused…
"Will you hurry up Sakura, you're holding up the plot!" Once Sasuke decided he was going to do something, he suddenly wants it done yesterday.
Sakura sighed and capitulated. Naruto and Sai believed that since there was so much, they should share it with the rest of the new chuunin. Leaving Sasuke to take the box to the Uchiha compound- the only place large enough to host twelve people- the three other ninjas took off to round everyone up.
It did not take long to find everyone, since missions had been few and far between the past couple of weeks. Soon they were all sitting around the box getting the run-down from Naruto.
"What will happen if we smoke it?" That was the general question from almost everyone gathered.
"The farmer said that it would induce a feeling of general well-being and relaxation. He says he uses it to meditate and obtain fresh and interesting outlooks on life and such."
They were a few minutes of general murmuring until curiosity got the better of everyone. Soon the cannabis was being rolled up and everybody had a blunt the size of a Cuban cigar. Sasuke obliged everyone by expelling a downsized Gōkakyū no Jutsu and they quickly lit up.
A few experimental puffs and some coughing later; the first analysis was taken.
"Does anyone feel anything?" Naruto looked about at the smoking Chuunin.
"No not really…maybe it takes a while to kick in. Smells awful though…" The remainder of the group agreed with Ino's summary and the puffing continued in silence for a while,
It was about a half hour later that Naruto felt that there was something strange going on. He couldn't quite put his finger on it though. He vaguely wondered about Kyuubi apparently having seen the 'Sound of music', because he was fairly certain he could hear the kitsune singing 'Sixteen going on to seventeen' in his head. Naruto turned to Sasuke to ask him how he felt, but was shocked at what he saw.
"Holy shit Sasuke! There's a duck on your head! Actually…it's half a duck- the back half…no wait…" Naruto burst into a fit of giggles and tried to pet the unfortunate duck. Sasuke dodged the action, albeit a little slowly.
"Oh no, you didn't just try to put your hands up in my hair, papi!" Sasuke wagged a finger in Naruto's face, before snapping his fingers in defiance. "You have any idea how long this shit takes to do? You only care that I come out looking good don't you? You don't care about the process! Sometimes I think you don't appreciate anything that's going on over here and…"
Sasuke stopped abruptly. What the hell was he doing? Did he just try to cuss Naruto out like some enraged Latina? Naruto was looking at him in fascination, and then sorrow.
"Sasuke…I think the duck died…" Naruto sympathy was interrupted Neji who had activated his Byakugan.
"Oi Naruto. Aren't those the same pair of boxers you had on yesterday? Oh wait…I wasn't here yesterday. That's so funny! Those were the boxers you were wearing before I went on my mission!" Tenten swiped at the back of Neji's head and missed, seeing as he was across the room.
"Neji, you total pervert! Stop using your Byakugan to, like, totally see everyone naked! Like, oh my god, was my voice always this high pitched?"
"YES!" A chorus of replies.
"I am not a pre…per, pah, phht! Why can't I say pervert? Oh there it is! I don't try to see everyone naked! Just Naruto, Lee and occasionally Gai-sensei... And I only do those two because I hate all that green!"
While Neji was trying to clear his good name, Hinata had crawled over to Naruto and tugged forcefully at his collar, getting his attention.
"Naruto-kun, I would really like it- if you spanked me with a wooden spoon. But it has to be a clean wooden spoon, or else you'd just have to use your hands." Naruto raised a lecherous eyebrow. Hinata giggled and drew herself closer to Naruto, whispering conspiratorially to him. "Naruto-kuuuuun…I naked under my clothes! Wanna see?"
"Oh you need to get your hands of my man, heifer!" This sudden foray into the twilight zone was brought to you by Sasuke, Sai and Neji.
The three boys looked at each other in consternation. Something was definitely wrong here. Ino, who had be smoking non-stop, piped in.
"Wait a minute! All of you guys are into Naruto? Anyone who wants Naruto, raise your hand and be honest!"
Sasuke, Sai, Neji, Hinata and Sakura raised their hands. Sakura?!
"What? He got hot during those three years he was gone!"
Meanwhile in Suna: - "Kazekage-sama, why are you raising your hand?"
Gaara looked up at his hand quizzically. He had no idea why, but for some reason he had this irresistible urge to put his hand in the air. And quite possibly, wave it like he just didn't care. It was very odd indeed… Usually he only did that when 'Enter Sandman' from Metallica was playing.
Back in Konoha, Kiba raised his hand sheepishly after a while as well. Kiba?!
"Not all the time you know…it's just that sometimes…I have these feelings…" Ino interrupted, yelling in rage.
"What the hell's the matter with you idiots? Why don't any of you flaming queens like girls?" Ino broke down into a fit of screeching sobs. "Why doesn't anybody like me? I don't even like me! When I masturbate, I only end up annoying myself!"
Sakura patted Ino sympathetically. "Don't cry, Ino-chan. I like you…I've always liked you…" Lee found his voice then to help Sakura comfort Ino.
"Sakura-san, if you really mean that, you should show Ino-san, by giving her a good hug."
Sakura obliged and hugged Ino as the blonde girl sniffled into her shoulder. Lee puffed his blunt and continued speaking, adjusting his voice to hypnotic levels.
"Yeah, now rub Ino-san's back, Sakura-san...slowly now, yeah just like that."
Ino wasn't sure why but she felt the urge to confide her most burning issue to Sakura. Pulling away slightly, she stared into Sakura's eyes.
"I've never had an orgasm." Sakura smiled in understanding and stroked Ino's face.
"That's okay Ino, I've had tons."
Sai was a little perplexed by this exchange. "You guys are aware that the law of averages doesn't work like that, right?"
Shikamaru hissed at him quickly. "How troublesome, shut up and enjoy the hot lesbian action!"
"Hot lesbian action is a good thing?"
"Hot lesbian action is an AWESOME thing!" Kiba spared Shikamaru the effort of having to reply to Sai's innocent query.
"Dude, I've got the munchies like a motherfucker!" Chouji looked about the room for anything edible.
"Bitch you always have the munchies!" This deep baritone was foreign to all the ninja in the room. They spun about looking for the source…and found it.
"AKAMARU!" The huge dog yawned lazily.
"What, you act like you've never seen a dog talk before?" Even Kiba was amazed. Who knew that Akamaru would sound like Barry White?
"I wish you people would get off my back about my eating habits! None of you know what it's like." Chouji's voice shook with emotion and took on a slight Scottish accent. "I eat because I'm unhappy…and I'm unhappy because I eat. It's a vicious cycle I don't know how to break."
All the kunoichi in the room were moved by this. Hinata stopped her striptease for Naruto; Tenten stopped painting elaborate designs on Sasuke's nails; Ino and Sakura stopped making out.
"Really Chouji…do you really have all that angst in you?" Chouji rolled his eyes at Ino.
"For the last damn time… NO! I, and the rest of my clan, eat because of our jutsu. If you have a problem with that- bite me! Or better yet, let me bite you! I don't care what any of you say, I'm dead sexy!"
Chouji snapped his fingers and two bikini-clad brunettes appeared in a puff of smoke. They immediately draped themselves over Chouji, talking in singsong, with Chouji replying in monosyllables.
"Can't you see?"
"Sometimes your words just hypnotize me…"
"Uh-huh" Yeah, the girls love that partial multi-size technique!
Naruto squinted a bit at the two girls, looked about the room and then yelled out: "Those aren't girls, its just Shikamaru and Kiba."
The two bikini-clad boys shrugged as they disentangled themselves from Chouji. Shikamaru shrugged and spoke first.
"What…it's troublesome, but it's to help boost my best friend's self-esteem."
Kiba blushed and mumbled softly. "It just makes me feel pretty!"
Naruto, nearing the end of his blunt, then grew introspective.
"Why the hell doesn't anyone tell me who my parents were? If it's the Yondaime, why not just say so? And where the heck is my mom? In fact, where are all the moms? Neji, Hinata, Chouji, Shino, Lee, Tenten…where are your moms?"
Neji sighed. "To preserve the purity of the Hyuuga bloodline, we either have a kid with another Hyuuga, or reproduce by budding. Or elders made that decree years ago when everybody seemed to be trying to hop the Byakugan train."
"After Gai-sensei came into my life, my parents oddly disappeared." Lee appeared to be thinking hard. He hadn't particularly minded. After all, he'd had Gai.
"That's exactly what happened with my parents!" Tenten grew thoughtful as well.
"I never met my dad…" Kiba tried to think if his mother had ever mentioned one.
"Well, we kind of figured that your mom ate him in some kind of weird mating ritual. She's kind of butch man!" Naruto offered helpfully.
Kiba shrugged in response; that probably was what happened knowing his mom.
"Well at least his mom isn't a disembodied voice floating from the walls of his house" Sakura chimed in.
Sasuke opened his mouth, but Naruto quickly stopped him. "We know Sasuke, we know! Please don't get started! This fic is a one-shot; your angst is a multi-chapter."
Sasuke blinked for a moment. Naruto was extra hot when he was authoritative. Sasuke launched himself at Naruto to molest him; unseating Hinata from the blonde's lap in the process.
"I have to learn emotions from a book and Naruto-kun!" Yes, that was Sai.
"Oi Shino, how come you're so calm man. Everybody has freaked out at least once since we started!" Kiba yelled over at his teammate.
"You wish to know why I have managed to remain so calm. I shall tell you. Soon after birth, members of the Aburame clan have holes created, and thousands of Kikai bugs inserted into their skin. For the rest of our lives, there are millions of creepy-crawly bugs moving relentlessly just below the surface of our skin. There is only way a human could endure this. Aburame clan members start hitting the chronic from the age of five. I'm high all the time; I always smoke the 'good shit'. This herb you have brought barely registers on my already loaded system."
The group of teenagers 'ooh'-ed and 'ah'-ed as the truth was revealed.
"Shino-kun, is that why you always wear those sunglasses then?" Hinata asked in awe.
Shino responded by briefly lifting his shades. There was a collective gasp in the room.
"Holy crap man, either that's a super-saiyan version of the Sharingan; or those are the most bloodshot eyes I have ever seen!" Naruto yelped.
"Wow, our childhood, families and lives in general suck ass! That was kind of depressing. I want to feel good again. Who wants to have an orgy?" This suggestion came from Neji and there were ready murmurs of assent as the ninja started stripping off their clothes.
Suddenly there was a blast of reggae music as the door opened. A man entered surrounded by a haze of pungent smoke.
"Hey, it's a stereotypical, weed-smoking Rastafarian!" The Rastafarian rolled his eyes at Kiba's outburst.
"You know, I resent this. Just because I am a Rastafarian does not automatically mean that I am a weed-smoking, red, green and gold wearing, reggae lover!" He spoke as he tried to get rid of the smoke blocking his vision.
"So you mean you aren't then?" Sakura asked.
"As it turns out, I am. But damn it, it ought not to be assumed!" Naruto squinted at the raging man.
"Hey, you're the farmer that gave me the weed. You were right! It was good stuff!" The man spotted Naruto under the Sai/Sasuke/Neji/Hinata pile.
"Hey, there's my ninja friend! I was looking all over for you man. Thank goodness I saw all this smoke from the street. That's what I came to see you about. I gave you the wrong box!"
A dangerous stillness fell over the room. Naruto squeaked out, seeking clarification.
"Yeah, I gave you the wrong box by mistake, man. What I gave you was some boring tea from India. I brought the real stuff though." He plopped down another box in the room.
"Y-you mean we aren't high?" Sakura said hesitantly.
"From smoking that...? No way! The most that will give you is allergies, and even that's a long shot. Hey, are you all having an orgy? Can I join?"
The poor man, wondering what he could have possibly said wrong, was sent sailing out of Konoha by an enraged Sakura.
This was now officially a very awkward situation. It was Sasuke who took charge.
"Here's what we are going to do. We going to put on our clothes; put away all these kinky sex-toys that appeared out of nowhere, and leave. We will all go back to our respective lives. We will never speak of this again."
He didn't have to tell them twice. There was the sound of the ninja poofing away until all that was left were Sasuke, Naruto and Sai.
"Why the hell are you still here?" Sasuke bit out.
"I'm going, I'm going! I was just helping you clean up, you ungrateful bastard!" Naruto yelled while waving silver handcuffs.
"Not you! I still haven't gotten laid yet! I meant him!" Sasuke yelled back, pointing to Sai. The latter boy shrugged.
"I guess the orgy is off, then? Can we still have a threesome?"
For the second time within the hour, a body was seen flying through the skies of Konoha. Both Sai and the farmer were left pondering: "Where is the love?"
A/N: I'm starting to think something's wrong with me. I must go redeem myself by starting that angst fic I have been thinking about. Look out for the first chapter of that one soon. But in the mean time, I hoped you like this one. Thanks for reading, and tell me what you thought. Later!