Opening: Something I just decided to do. I hope you like it.
Warnings: Yaoi and language.
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, it's as plain as day.
--Yaoi 101: The Uke--
Your name is Sasuke Uchiha and you're standing in front of a class of about twenty or so people. A smart hat sits upon your head and you have a teacher's pointer in your hand. The class you teach is about to start. Let's take a peek into Yaoi 101.
"Hello class.' You welcome each student. A chorus of good mornings and hellos are your reply.
"Welcome to Yaoi 101." There are a few lusty looks coming from your audience and you suddenly glare. "I'm not up for grabs. Sorry. You're looking at a pure, one hundred percent seme here. And this is a seme course." Those previous eyes dim but the owners still stay.
You scan the rest of the faces and suddenly stomp into an isle. "You! What are you doing here?"
A red haired boy with round green eyes looked up at you cutely. "Learning?" He answers timidly.
"You don't belong here," you take the time to read his name tag, "Gaara. The uke course is the class next to this one." Pointing out toward the hall, you step out of the way and watch him leave with his head down.
"Now that that's taken care of, let's begin."
You take your place back at the front of the room and face the class. "Today we are learning how to point out an uke from a crowd." A few claps come from the students.
An overhead projector is turned on and you stand next to the picture as it displays itself on the wall. People gasp at the shear uke-ness of the person on the projection.
You point to the wide blue eyes. "These are called uke eyes for obvious reasons. They suck you in a and make you want to give them anything. Refrain from being sucked in. It might just save your life."
The pointer travels down to the lips. "This is your second target." You circle it with your pointer. "They are normally soft and pink. You might want to test the softness just in case. The softer the better."
A smile rests on your face when you see students taking notes. "This is the skin. Feel free to mark at will. It tends to be smooth because ukes take care of their bodies. This uke's skin is tan but it comes in many different colors."
A cute black shirt with an orange spiral on the front lands under the pointer. "These are the uke clothes. They are your enemy. The less the better. In fact, you may want to help them with that problem, should they have too much."
You skip down to the tanned legs under the shorts. "Some people like this part the best. These tend to be long and slender like these. You can do whatever you want with them, provided your uke is flexible. People traditionally place them over there shoulders, but like I said; whatever you want."
The room applauds your magnificent lesson but you silence them with your hand. You switch the pictures on the overhead and half of the room erupts into nosebleeds.
"This is the number one target. Approach only when you have been given clearance by the uke; however, you may stare all you like. This is the uke ass. Side effects include: nosebleeds, hard-ons, and an insatiable need to touch. There is no cure, but symptoms can be countered by tissues and your right/left hand. They can be soft or toned. Somewhere in the middle is perfect like this one."
You turn off the machine and bow as everyone praises you on the lesson. A student approaches you.
"That uke on the screen was hot. Who was it? I'd like to…" The man is cut off after you punch his lights out.
"Before trying to get an uke, make sure he doesn't have a seme yet, bitch." The class bows as you leave the classroom.
They look at each other fearfully until they hear a slap from the hallway followed by a, "Teme! Stop touching my ass!"
Nomi: When it's all said and done, I liked it. I hope you liked it.
Nomi: I hope you all learned something important today.
Mol: Not to think about touching Sasuke's uke?
Both: Ja! R&R Please!