Disclaimer: Still don't own Naruto, go figure.
-- Yaoi 101: The Seme –
You are adorable, you are blonde with blue eyes, you are a guy; yes, you are Naruto. You're about to start your class when the door opens and a red head enters with a scowl on his face.
"Excuse me mister," a nametag flashes at you, "Gaara. I think you're in the wrong room. There's a class just next door for semes." You smile politely at him. As he leaves, you distinctly here a, "I don't belong anywhere," being mumbled from him.
Returning your attention to your class, you smile as wide eyes stare at you adoringly. "Welcome fellow ukes! Don't worry; there's no reason to be ashamed of being the submissive. For anyone feeling scared, there are no semes in here." You assure. There are collective sighs of relief from the audience.
"What we are learning today will definitely help you out in the real world. You will learn how to tell a seme from a crowd and how to say 'NO'," There are many cheers but you hold your hand up as a sign to stop.
"You all know me as the straight forward amazing ninja that I am so I won't beat around the bush." You start out.
"Your seme wants your ass. That's the way it always starts out. It's up to you to make them love you for you and not just your ass." The ukes in the room gasp in shock and boo.
"You can't let them just hit it. They have to work to get it." You pace the room with a stern voice. "You need to start saying, No!" Your voice booms, startling and motivating some people.
"You! I want sex now! What do you say?" You point to a blonde in the back.
"No! Yeah!" He shouts.
"Say what, maggot!?"
"Must you say 'yeah' at the end of every sentence?!" Annoyed by the oxymoronic answer, you sigh.
"What is your name, maggot?"
"Well, Deidara, I'm scheduling you for some speech therapy because you are a walking rape magnet if all you say is 'yeah,'" pulling out a pen and paper, you write down the room number for speech class and hand it to him.
"You! On your knees, now, uke slave! What do you say?" You point toward… "Iruka?!"
"Heh, hi Naruto," he waves at you, embarrassed.
"T.M.I!!" You cry, mentally traumatized. "Just answer the question."
"Good. Now, I'm going to assume that Kakashi is the one after your ass and I must say, good fucking luck with that," you dub this one as a lost cause, knowing that no one can stop the almighty pervert, Kakashi.
"Please line up everyone and get your 'Anti-Seme' kit." A line slowly forms in front of you and you give each person a bag filled with mace, a fake picture of their 'wives/children', retractable baseball bat, Icha Icha Paradise books to throw as a distraction, and many other equally useful items. Everyone gets their things and goes to sit down and examine their new 'toys'.
"Now we're going to review the seme," you say, pulling out a projector from the corner and turning it on, "there's really only four things that you need to worry about when it comes to the actually physical qualities that every seme has."
It shows a picture of a set of gleaming charcoal eyes. "This is 'the look'. It's what the seme will try to use as a mating ritual to get you into bed with him. See how it clearly says, 'I want to be inside you so bad right now, let's go back to my place or that convenient alley over there and shag'. When they use this, look away immediately. It'll let them know that you're a lot harder to get to than that. They also use these evil things to stare at your ass. They think its okay to look, but it isn't and you need to let them know that by smacking them when you see one staring."
You change slides to show a picture of a smirking mouth. "This is the seme's mouth. They use this in many ways. Sometimes they'll say things that make you blush like, 'nice ass' or 'I want you so bad right now' or 'dobe, let's go have sex in the kitchen, we haven't done it in there yet!'" The ruler that you were using as a pointer snaps into two in your vice-like grip.
"They also use it to kiss you. Now, I know that sounds nice but it's just a sand-trap in order to get to sleep with you. First, it's nice and sweet, just a chaste pressing of the lips but then they try to get their tongue in your mouth and when you let them, they turn your brain to mush and FUCKING RAPE YOU IN FRONT OF YOUR FRIENDS!!" The ruler snaps into fourths. Many of the students are now afraid of your wrath and quivering in fear that makes you slightly proud and feel a bit better.
"Only when you can truly trust your seme and actually let them have sex with you, that's when the mouth becomes your friend. It's a wonderful and pleasurable thing that will lavish you with love both physically and verbally because most seme's tend say the sweetest things after sex like, 'I love you' or 'you're the best thing that ever happened to me' or 'I can never live without you' or 'Dobe, you're squishing my arm.'" The ruler is now in, what observers can only say, a million pieces and your eye is twitching at a mile a minute. (This is 60 miles per hour for those of you scoring at home)
"DO NOT, under any circumstance, have sex with a seme just because you want to know what the sex is like. If they're half a possessive as this one," you point to the picture, "you'll never have another seme, get to talk to your adoptive father, sorry Iruka, or speak with your friends ever again because he thinks that you're cheating on him." You are now lighting the remnants of the ruler on fire.
Changing slides yet again to two pale hands preparing to slap an orange clad ass. "Then there are the evil hands," you point at the two hands, one after the other, "they will try to touch you inappropriately. Even if they say that it was an accident, it wasn't. If they say that 'there's something on your butt, let me get it for you,' they aren't trying to be nice, they just want to touch your ass. It's called molestation and it's a very sad thing. It can happen anywhere and at anytime. This is the time where you pull out your can of mace or your retractable baseball bat and get revenge."
"Last, but certainly not least," you change the photograph to a semi distant crotch shot of white shorts, "don't be alarmed ukes, it can't hurt you it's just a picture!" Several of the men let out a sigh of relief.
"This is the seme's penis. Believe it or don't, this is actually both a target and an enemy. Most seme's think with their libido and it's a tragedy, really. All their dicks want to do is fuck around, figuratively and literally. And while this poses a problem, it's also a challenge," many of your audience members look at you oddly. "If you can get your seme to stop thinking with his head and start thinking with his head and get him to see that he loves you, then you're in the clear. After that, it becomes a target because you've gotten a sex-crazed mongrel like a seme to love you."
Everyone in the room applauds your lecture and you get a standing ovation.
"Thank you, thank you. I'm here for you, remember that. Now, everyone pair off and practice saying 'no'."
You stand behind your desk and watch the, now knowledgeable, ukes practice and start on their seme-safe road to life.
Walking toward the projector, you bend over to unplug it, not noticing the sound of the classroom door opening. Just as you remove the plug you feel a hand on your ass and you stand up straight and turn around to find a bastard staring you down.
"Dobe, sex?" He asks.
You swat at him, "NO!!"
"Too bad," he picks you up and hurls you over his shoulder, walking out of the class.
"Last rule, class! Never, and I mean NEVER, become the boyfriend of Sasuke Uchiha if you value your chastity at all!!"
The class gives mixed reactions to what just happened and hear a sharp, "Teme! Stop touching my ass!"
THE END! (Fer realz this time)
Stavi: So, yeah, I hope you're all happy. I, personally, hated how this turned out compared to the other one, but what am I going to do. I hope you like and if you don't, I'll take it down.
If there are any glaring grammatically mistakes, tell me and I'll fix them.
Later days! (hugs and kisses)
EDIT: The stupid fucking editor is taking out my lines!! (seethe) I don't like the new document loader!!