Disclaimer : I do not own any characters or shows featured within, only the plot is mine.
SG1 X-over no spoilers.Many thanks to jamesboru whose kind words spawned this gremlin-bunny.
Sequel to 'No One Would Ever Believe Him', but you don't need to have read it to enjoy this.
When General George Hammond walked into the debrief of his premier team's latest mission, he felt a frisson of dread run down his spine at the expressions on their faces as they straightened up from the heated discussion they'd been having to give him a salute.
Daniel Jackson looked befuddled, Carter had the look she got when the universe threw her for a loop, even Teal'c looked as if he'd eaten something that had disagreed with him.
But the worst of all was the look on Colonel Jack O'Neill's face, a look of sublime pleasure underlaid with exasperation. Oh darn, I don't think I'm going to enjoy this, thought the General.
"Colonel, would you please explain exactly what happened earlier?" he asked.
Jack sat up in his chair and schooled his face into an expression of divine innocence even as the rest of his team became even more disgruntled. Clearing his throat he began to speak.
"General, one of the refugees from PJZ437-2, the world we evacuated after it was targeted by the Goa'uld, turned out to be a snake in disguise that had been hiding in the populace. As of yet we don't know if it was placed there to infiltrate us or if it was just bad luck, but after entering the base it managed to escape through one of the air vents and gain access to the surface.
"Search teams were immediately dispatched to locate and retrieve or eliminate it, but despite taking some damage it managed to evade us and find itself a new host."
At this point General Hammond felt the tension in the room rise as the other members of SG1 turned to glare at their commanding officer who still was exuding 'butter wouldn't melt in my mouth'. Hammond felt a headache begin to pulse in his right temple.
"However sir," Jack continued, "That's where things get a little… interesting."
"Interesting?!" Carter snapped, "Is that what you'd call it?"
"Well, what would you call it Carter? The snake got taken care of, there were no civilian casualties, and as far as I'm concerned the snake got its just desserts." For some reason the tail of that statement made Jack smirk slightly to himself.
"Sir! Begging your pardon but that's a load of crap! Yes, the symbiote did take a new host but… but… it was impossible!" She spluttered, "I don't care what you say, it's not normal for a Goa'uld to die after jumping hosts! You still should have let us bring him in!"
"Yeah but…" Jack began, but was overridden by a shout from their commanding officer.
"Colonel O'Neill, Captain Carter you will be silent this instant!" General Hammond thundered, the pain spreading through the rest of his brain. "You will sit down and tell me exactly what happened, and exactly why there's a man out there who has personal knowledge of the Goa'uld and hasn't been brought in for tests! And you will tell me now!" With that Hammond sat back down in the chair he didn't remember rising from and gestured for O'Neill to continue, hoping he could get to the Infirmary before his headache turned into an all out migraine.
And that the end of the world wasn't yet again Jack's fault.
Jack harrumphed to himself and other than shooting the Captain a dark glare - which was returned with interest - he proceeded with his tale.
"Well sir, before I was interrupted I had just gotten to the snake grabbing itself a new ride and things getting a little odd. In its new form it turned to face us and started off on one of their patented rants 'I am your God, you will pay for your heresy yadda-yadda-yadda', when its eyes began to flash on and off like a light bulb and it started to make weird noises.
"The host then went into convulsions, collapsed to the ground, cried out something about brain cells, before the snake crawled out of the guy's mouth, twitched, and began the journey to the little snake hole in the sky. We didn't even get close to it.
"After making sure it was quite dead, we checked that Mr S- that he had taken no lasting harm then let him go on his way.
"And for the record, if the good Captain or any other member of my team had wanted to detain him they could have. Sir, he was never someone you would consider a threat; yet these three just stood around staring at him, leaving poor old me to do all the work."
As he wrapped up his story, Jack sorrowfully shook his head as he looked soulfully at the now profoundly irritated members of his squad.
Hammond didn't know whether to laugh or cry, as it was obvious to anyone with eyes that O'Neill had left something pertinent out.
Especially since his colleague's were still glaring daggers at him.
Turning his head, and feeling every one of his years, he focussed on Captain Carter knowing she would give a clear, concise and above all scientific explanation for the shenanigans of Jack.
"Captain Carter, I feel you might have something to add to this… report?"
"Yes sir, I do," she replied heatedly. "What the Colonel is leaving out is the identity of the man the Goa'uld tried to blend with. Sir…" At this point she became almost hesitant to speak, something Hammond had rarely seen in her before, "The…man that was taken, he… he was the spitting image of… Homer Simpson."
Hammond gazed at her, face as blank as his mind, as he tried to grapple with what he had just been told. "… Captain? Did you by any chance manage to hit your head at some point today?" he ventured cautiously.
Sam's face scrunched into a moue at this, and she hurried to reassure her boss that she hadn't gone completely bonkers. "Sir, he looked exactly like Homer in the cartoons, not just physically but also in… colour." Seeing his incomprehension she elaborated. "Sir his skin was yellow, not skin yellow but actually yellow, like the paint. Sir this was Homer Simpson."
His mouth opening and closing silently, George gazed around the table at the others to gauge their reactions to this. He didn't know if he was more or less worried to see that Dr Jackson and Teal'c seemed to be in complete accord with her. Finally he let his eyes rest on the cherubic expression of his second-in-command, and realised something was afoot.
"Colonel, look me in the eye and tell me you have nothing to do with this," he ordered. Seeing the trapped look in Jack's visage, his headache intensified.
"Colonel O'Neill! What have you done?"
Wincing from the looks being sent his way, he raised his hands and waved them in a placating manner, but realising this was producing the opposite of its intended result, he hastily placed his hands back on the tabletop.
"Honestly sir, I had no idea this was going to happen – but," he stated sharply to override the objections forming on the others lips, "that is not to say I had no idea about Mr Simpson being in town."
Glancing round triumphantly and seeing the dawning looks of horror surrounding him, his lips twitched as held back a smirk.
"General, you do remember last month I got you that amusing cake for your birthday? Well, do you also remember the image I showed you that was on my phone? The one where I was standing in a cake shop with a very familiar figure? The one which you," he stabbed his eyes at Carter, who flinched, "debunked as an obvious forgery done on my home computer that anyone could see was fake? Well guess what? It wasn't a fake!"
And with that he sat back in his seat, smugness practically oozing from his pores as they all stared at him, gob-smacked.
As he gaped at the source of his eternal aggravation, Hammond thoughts were filled with only one thing.
I knew I wasn't going to like this.
Author's Note :
Well, I hadn't intended to write this but a nice review caused the plot bunny to spawn this demonic brainchilde, which my twisted psyche jumped on with glee and… well… here you are :P
This is a sequel to 'No One Would Ever Believe Him' but can be read on its own.
I hope some of you noticed the excerpt from the 'Evil Overlord List' – I just couldn't help myself.
I did find this highly enjoyable to write, and hope you all find it as enjoyable to read. I am, however, thoroughly amazed that it only took me about 5 hours to churn out, edit, spell-check, proofread and post. I know my writing style, and fast is not it.
Guess I was inspired (for once).
So far, there are no thoughts on another sequel but… since this one was never expected - you never know :-)