Disclaimer: I don't own anything Naruto. If I did, Yondaime-sama would have at least a first name, and Kakashi would be openly gay. (It's a good thing I don't own it!)
Summary: Kakashi was sick of keeping his secret a secret. Shonen-ai.
Rating: PG for a stolen smoochie XD
Note: Please no flames for the pairing. I know it's weird. I'm weird too, deal. Constructive criticism, suggestions, flames over anything else, fine.
Sitting alone by himself, Kakashi had told himself hundreds of times that he couldn't take it anymore. He had sworn, his very next chance, he'd make his move. He didn't want this big of a secret anymore, and his heart was swelling so much with it that every time he glanced his way, it hurt so much he thought he would scream.
No one had told him love hurts. He wondered if his mother had hurt this way when she met his father. He wondered if his father had hurt like this when he gazed upon his only son, in the hours before his death. He knew that Obito had hurt like this, crushed and dying and trying to give Rin one last smile before the darkness dragged him away, but Kakashi had thought at the time that the pain he'd seen in Obito had been from his wounds, not his emotions.
Somehow, knowing that he wasn't alone only made it hurt worse.
Sitting with someone else, all the emotions bubbled up again dangerously close to the surface because Kakashi wasn't sitting with just anyone he was sitting with him. Someone who he'd been in love with for so long that he hadn't realized until just very recently that being in love with another man wasn't exactly normal for your every day fourteen year old boy.
Fortunately, Kakashi knew he wasn't anyone's ordinary every day little boy, so he didn't let that revelation bother him too much. He'd already known that being in love with his sensei was wrong. He was what? Double his age? More? Kakashi realized he didn't even know how old the other man actually was…much older than he, that was for sure, but it didn't really matter anyway. The recently appointed Yondaime Hokage was timeless.
Gooseflesh rose up on Kakashi's bare forearms as the man beside him stretched widely, his arms nearly brushing against Kakashi by accident, before he laid back into the grassy hill they were perched on, watching the stars come out.
At least, that was what Kakashi had been doing. They hadn't said a word, but his Sensei had walked up out of nowhere and seated himself right beside Kakashi in the grass.
Kakashi was still stargazing, but the blond laid out beside him looked like he was getting ready for a pre-bedtime nap.
Kakashi didn't look. He kept his gaze averted upwards and out, until he heard the other man's breathing even out into the depth of slumber. Finally, he wrenched his frozen eyes from the dark blue sky, and gazed down at his sleeping companion.
The Yondaime Hokage was a blessedly peaceful sleeper, especially by shinobi standards. Currently, he rested his head in his arms, and smiled softly as he slept. A gentle breeze tugged softly at moonlit strands of unruly golden hair, making Kakashi smile behind his mask. He wished he had a reason to smile in his sleep that way.
Kakashi thought that with his eyes closed, his sensei looked a good decade younger. With his eyes closed, one couldn't see the reflection of wisdom and experience far beyond his twenty-something years, and only his child-like and almost innocent persona remained. Kakashi laughed softly. At six years old, when he had first met this extraordinary man, he had been so unimpressed by that demeanor that he had secretly complained to the Third.
The next day, he had been introduced to something called the Bell Game, and had changed his mind about his 'goofball good for nothing sensei.'
He's not really your sensei anymore, stupid. He's Hokage now, something sounding distressingly like Obito said, whispering in the back of Kakashi's mind.
I don't care. He has to be something to me… Below him, the sleeping man sighed.
"Sensei?" Kakashi all but whispered the word, but had to know if the man was really asleep or not. The man had a reputation for badly faking sleep.
But not so much as his nose twitched, and Kakashi let out a sigh of relief.
"I'm sorry," Kakashi whispered, even more softly, so that he could barely even hear himself. "but I can't hold back any longer…" Pulling his mask away, he leaned foreword, kissing the Yondaime's lips ever so softly. It was the barest of touches, lighter than a breath, but it was enough to make Kakashi's lips burn and his heart hammer. He was instantly guilty of what he had stolen. "I love you." The whispered confession didn't make the guilt fade any, either.
To his horror, the man's lips curled instantly into a broad smile.
"I was wondering if that would happen," The Yellow Flash said, keeping his eyes shut. Kakashi gave a soft cry of dismay, mortified, and lunged backwards, only to be caught by the still passive man's gentle grasp. "Don't run away," His eyes were still closed, and the smile was still on his face, but Kakashi pulled weakly against the grip anyway. The Fourth sat up slowly, finally letting his eyes open to the darkness to focus on Kakashi's face. "Want to talk about it?" He asked, smiling gently.
"You're not going to let me go, are you?" Kakashi said. He was still pulling away slightly, feeling both mildly betrayed, and shamed. "I know I didn't wake you up." His gaze was accusing. His sensei laughed softly.
"That's what you get for stealing," He said teasingly. Kakashi looked hurt. The blond grimaced, averting his eyes. "No…I know that wasn't very nice…I'm sorry."
"You let me," Kakashi replies, startled by the apology.
"Yes, I did."
"Do you feel better now?" The Yondaime countered. There was the implication that he'd known about Kakashi's feelings all along. Kakashi looked away, not liking that he'd been found out so easily.
"No…" It was true. He felt like crying. It was a feeling he hated, one that he didn't understand in this situation. This man did strange things to him, always had. The barest touch more distracting than all the pain or noise of war, his carefree smile infuriating, his childishness oddly endearing. He was both the most idiotic and brilliant person Kakashi knew. The confusion would continue, apparently.
"Are you scared?" It was a strange question, and it made Kakashi look up through the night into bright eyes, surprised. He had been scared. He'd been terrified, but in that moment, something passed to him from the older man and Kakashi tasted hope in his heart. He gave his sensei a long stare.
The Yellow Flash smiled again.
"Hmph. Maybe you should be." He said in an approving sort of way. Kakashi shot him a frown. "You never know when a star might come falling out of the sky and knock you dead." Kakashi's stare hardened. What an idiotic thing to say.
Fine, if you want to be that way…
"That's why I had to hurry up and steal my kiss from you." Kakashi countered. It was surreal, talking about his feelings in such a roundabout way. It was easier, though, he realized. That one dumb-assed comment from the most powerful man in their history had completely melted the ice. Kakashi was reminded of how unworthy he was.
"Well, then I suppose that's okay." His sensei said, leaning back again. "So what do you plan to do now? Your star hasn't fallen yet, after all."
"I hadn't planned anything, Sensei." Kakashi said. "The idea had been to keep my hurry a secret."
"Embarrassed about dodging sparkling fireballs?" The blond asked.
"It's kind of an odd thing to worry about, yeah." Kakashi answered. What the hell were they talking about? He couldn't figure it out, but at the same time it made perfect sense.
"It happens to everyone sooner or later. Stars die and are reborn every day, even if we can't see it happening from where we are." Acceptance then?
"What about your star, Sensei?" Kakashi asked. Even through the more comfortable metaphors, he didn't really want to talk about his feelings, and was doing his best to turn the conversation away from himself.
"Me? Oh gee…" The Hokage turned his face upwards towards the heavens thoughtfully. "Mine dropped on me just this evening. Woke me up from the start of what was going to be a very nice nap." He glanced sideways at Kakashi. "It's a heavy one, and so bright, it kind of burns though. I'm not sure what to do with it, really. You ever had that feeling?" He looked at Kakashi directly. "If I don't figure it out soon, it'll crush me for good."
"Then let it go. You don't have to keep it, right? A gift from heaven that hurts you is no gift at all. Cast it aside and let it die." Kakashi said. His voice had gone cold. He knew perfectly well what his Sensei was referring to now. He'd shut his heart off, refused to hear his own words, because even though he knew he was right, it hurt. "Another star will fall…probably hundreds-that's what you deserve- and you'll be able to pick one that's more comfortable for you."
His sensei fell silent, and Kakashi withheld any further comments. He stared up into the cosmos, hating himself, hating his conscience even more, and wishing a black hole would open up and just swallow him away. Or that a falling star really would fall from the sky and crush him, if the silence from the man beside him didn't break him first. A long, mournful sigh pulled Kakashi from his thoughts, and he glanced at his sensei.
"I…can't. This star is precious, and if I have to struggle a little more with it, fine. I'm not about to cast it away." He turned, facing Kakashi fully. "I can't say what will happen between us, Kakashi, but I'm not going to leave you alone to suffer in silence." He reached out, prodding the youth's shoulder gently. "I've seen you, when you think I'm not looking…I don't want to see you miserable."
"I don't matter if it's hurting you." Kakashi said firmly.
"You're not. You can't hurt me, Kakashi."
"How do you know?"
"Because it's you."
Kakashi frowned darkly.
"So I'm a fool. I'm also a happy man. You should try that exchange every now and then, Kakashi-kun." He was answered with only silence.
"So if I'm a falling star, what are you?" Kakashi asked at last. The Fourth laughed softly.
"I'm the Moon. Up front and impossible to ignore, but envying the distant stars and their bright future, unbound to the rest of the universe. I'm the slave of Mother Earth."
"I always thought the Moon seemed lonely."
"He is. He used to meet Shooting Stars all the time, but they've stopped coming around lately."
"Doesn't it hurt when the Shooting Stars collide with the Moon?" Kakashi asked. It wasn't often his sensei shared such intimate feelings with him. He usually just hid whatever he was thinking with a smile and a laugh.
"Yeah…it always stings a little, but that's the way relationships are. If it didn't hurt, just a little, how could I know if it was real or not?"
"And that's worth it?"
"Always. I've been waiting a long time for a chance to catch a falling star."
"But you didn't catch one. It fell on you." Kakashi commented, smirking. Things fell on his sensei all the time, and he found the correlation amusing.
"Same difference, brat."
"So am I a brat or a falling star?"
"Right now, you're both." Kakashi scowled at the comment, even though he knew it had been coming.
"I'm not a brat, and I'm not a falling star, I'm a man, even if my body doesn't show it yet. Accept it." He'd wanted to say that all night. Treat me like one, accept me, make me your lover.
"I never said I didn't."
"You talk to me like a kid." Kakashi complained.
"That's because I love you."
"Not the way I need you to."
"I never said that either, stop making assumptions or I might make the misjudgment of thinking you're nothing but a little boy." The Yondaime reached out, poking Kakashi hard in the bicep, making the youth hiss softly in protest.
"Stop it. Don't talk like that when you don't mean it."
"You're determined to be rejected, aren't you?" The Fourth's voice dropped sadly. It was an unlikely relationship that Kakashi sought.
"Not really. I'm just reasonable. Besides. The Moon is such a pure, beautiful thing. It doesn't need more scars from shooting stars. He's better off finding something that doesn't run the risk of destroying him."
"Yea, but the Moon isn't very mobile, Kakashi. He can't just sidestep that which may be uncomfortable. He's not agile and free like you falling stars. He accepts what comes to him with open arms. That's just how he is, he can't help it, and it doesn't bother him if he gets a little scraped up in the process."
"Are you saying you'd have me, even though if it got out, it'd ruin you?" Kakashi said, dispensing with the fancy talk and going straight for the gold. His answer was to be grabbed suddenly, and pulled down against his sensei's chest. The man was warm, even in the cooling night, and smelled sweetly of spices and maple and the wind. Kakashi melted, shivering. So good…
"I can't say we should be in an intimate relationship now… you can wait a little bit for that, right? But I love you, and I know I can love you as more. I'll stay with you, Kakashi, if you're willing to be patient, if it's enough to make you happy." Warm lips pressed against Kakashi's forehead through a curtain of silver hair, and Kakashi's breath hitched.
"Yeah. Is that okay?"
"Any time, love. Anytime."
Oof. I'm still in the yonxka obsession trip, and there are SO many of these little drabbleish 1-shots going through my poor laptop right now. . The poor thing. This one is just one of the few I deemed worthy of posting. LoL.
If you liked this, please go to my deviantart page (see the link to my 'webpage' on my profile!) and check out This story's cover art (Deviantart requires preview artwork for literature) because I'm pretty proud of it. And if you want more of the same, check out the fic posted there called Movie Night. I don't think I'll be posting it on here on FFdotNet because it's pretty simular to this one, but it's more fluff, if you're into it :)
R&R and hopefully someday I'll actually write something productive:)