AN: This is my first editing. Nothing has changed plot wise so far, but I did beef it up a little. I feel like this shows a little bit more of Jasper's personality, instead of mine. I hope you all enjoy it. I'm on a role with this and it makes me so excited. The next edit should be up soon.
I sighed as I walked through the halls of this new school. Forks High School. I couldn't even remember al the names of all the high schools I've graduated. I sighed. How many times did I have to do this? Rosalie, Emmett and I decided to be the older students, while Edward and Alice got to be younger. I hate having to fake all this. Sometimes I just wished that we could be accepted in society and not have to hide, but I know that is never going to happen. I hated all the lies. I'm not Rosalie's twin. We are nothing alike! The lie barely passed because we both had blonde hair.
And worse that the lies was being the weakest at this lifestyle. Everyone watched over me, guarded me, and checked my behavior. It was extremely annoying sometimes, and I could hardly stand being the weakest. But, there was Alice. She was the reason I went through all this. She was the reason I went through the monotonous motions of high school. She was the reason that I put up with Emmett always standing guard, Alice constantly looking to see what I'll do, and Edward monitoring my thoughts.
"Jasper? How has your day been?"
Edward. I hope he doesn't hate me too much for all my rebellious thoughts. It was just part of what I have had to deal with. Rebellion against my life. I turned to look at Edward and tried to smile at him. I could feel his sympathy, but I knew he was asking purely to see if I could make it, here among all these humans. "Fine," I replied swiftly. Then, trying to seem normal, I asked, "Have you seen Alice?"
Edward nodded and pointed behind him, "She's over there, talking to Rose." I could tell with the tone of his voice that he knew I was faking being alright. He was worried. And Alice was worried. That would be the only reason that Edward would be this concerned. There could not possibly be something that strong here that could tempt me that much. Then again, I was always the one to slip up. Every once in a while it was Emmett, but the majority of the time it was me. It made me feel dirty and worthless, but again, there was always Alice.
I could feel Edward's concern and quickly sent a peaceful feeling his way. He raised his eyebrows at me and I just smiled and walked away. I knew that he could hear what I was thinking, but at the same time, I knew that if I convinced him not to worry, he would not monitor me as closely.
While I was walking toward Alice I had to pass through a group of girls. I drew in a breath knowing that in close proximity their scents would be much stronger, and with the air in my lungs I quietly blew out, "Excuse me," and pushed my way through. It sickened me the way humans felt when we were around. They all had the same mixture of fascination and fear. None of them would ever approach us, their instincts were to strong, but we still drew their far off admiration around us. Rosalie and some others reveled in this thought, but for the rest of us, it was just disturbing.
I continued down the hall towards Alice. If Vampires could have headaches, I certainly would have one right now. Humans have the strongest emotions. Teenagers even more so than adults. They had no control over it and they were so sporadic that I could hardly concentrate. Sometimes I would use my skill and change the atmosphere just a little so it might settle on one specific emotion, but I could only do that so many times before people began to see patterns and link it with me. Edward would always warn me before that happened, but I still needed to be cautious.
I finally reached Alice and Rose. I touched Alice briefly on the shoulder. I gave Rosalie an apologetic smile and walked a little distance away. I knew that Alice would follow. She could always tell when I needed her. Alice reached me then and slowly snaked her little arms around me, looked up and said quietly, "Are you alright Jazz?"
"Alice," I began slowly. She was going to hate me. "I don't think I can do this. I don't think I can take being in this school. I struggle enough as it is, I don't need Edward freaking out on me," I paused hoping she would understand. "I..." I paused again, unsure. I glanced up at the clouds. I couldn't look her in the eyes as I broke her heart. I couldn't watch as realization would cross her face, so I look away. Always the coward. "I..." I couldn't say it. Again, I was a coward. How could I have been in a war, and gone through all my existence, and then find that I wasn't brave. I was just a coward.
Alice suddenly limped in my arms. I knew without looking that her eyes would be unfocused, seeing something that was hidden to the rest of us. She stiffened and gasped. "Don't go," she whispered in my arms as I pulled her closer to me. She was so tiny and fragile. I knew she could take care of herself, but every part of my body was screaming to protect her. I couldn't fathom hurting her. Yet, here I was about to do just that. I couldn't bare not seeing her face right then. I slowly lowered my eyes to hers.
I stared into Alice's eyes. Her confusion, hurt and fear washed over me. It hit me harder than any emotion ever had. I had to convince her that it was too hard and show her the true failure that I was. I was going to hurt her, but I would hurt her more if I continued to try and fail like this. I began a painful plea, "Alice, I love you, but it's too hard..." She started to shake. I grabbed her small hand and pulled her toward the parking lot. I passed the group of girls again. I felt their shock, but I ignored it and pushed through to the car. I opened the passenger side door for her and gently pushed her in. In a second I was sitting next to her explaining how I felt. "Alice... I love you, but I can't control myself. Constantly I have to think of you to take my mind off of it. I don't think I can take everyone worrying all the time." I paused trying to gage her reaction.
She was trying to contain her panic and spoke calmly, "Jasper, I need you. Please don't go. You can make it. You've been doing so great, and I can see that you won't do anything. Forks is perfect for us..."
I stopped her. "I know! That's why I can't stay. I don't want to destroy everything for your family."
"My family?!" Her anger drowned me. I tried to calm her but she knew what I was doing. "Stop! My family? They are just as much your family as my family. We came to them together! Don't you remember? They took us in. They tried to support us through the difficulties. They love us. You would break Esme's heart. Can you really do that?"
I sat patiently through her tirade, and I could tell she had seen something that she didn't want to tell me. "Alice," I began. I didn't know what to say to her. I wanted to stay, but I couldn't. "Alice. I can't. I want to, but... I... can't." I barely choked out those last words.
Alice took my hands and looked me in the eyes. She smiled, and I could feel her relief flood the car. I looked at her confused. "Something great is going to happen here in Forks, please just stay to see it happen. Edward is really going to need us," Alice pleaded.
I couldn't say no to her. I loved her. How could I deny her? I sighed and she grinned. She knew she had won.
"Don't worry Jasper. Everything is going to be great!"
* * *
A week had passed and I had survived. I was still with Alice, and no one had died. Everyone still watched me very closely. We, more like I, had decided I should hunt no less than once a week. I could feel anxiety throughout the house, but there was nothing I could do about it. When I'm nervous, everyone is.
Alice lightly knocked on my door. I whispered, "Come in," and turned my head away from her view as she slipped into the room. She sighed and came to put her hand on my shoulder. She jerked her hand away when she felt my disgust with myself. I could feel her shock and hurt. She sat down beside me and gently, but forcefully, turned my head towards her. She smiled timidly and spoke. She said exactly what I needed to hear, but I dreaded it all the same.
"Jasper, I can't stand it when you feel this way. It hurts. Do you really think that I would choose to be with someone who was weak and a monster?"
I turned away from her hiding my shame. Of course I would never think that she would do that, but I was so unworthy of her. I could never live up to what she was.
"Jasper, look at me," she commanded. I forced myself to look at her, dreading it. I knew that as soon as she looked in my eyes she would know what I was thinking. She stared intently for a few moments, interpreting my expression. "Jasper, please. If anything I'm not good enough for you. You are able to hold yourself in the most awkward situations. I have to try to be heard. No one would dream of not listening to you. You have such a calming presence. Our family would never be the same without you. Why do you think we are able to blend as well as we do? It's not because we are amazing actors; it's because you create a sense of comfort, no matter where we are." She stopped.
I couldn't believe it. None of that was true. I knew strategies of all military maneuvers, and I knew that was not one of ours. I know that even if I didn't have my ability, things would still be just as awkward and smooth at the same time. If I just left, things would be so much easier for them. They could live in comfort, not fear. There would be no more tension when I struggled. I wouldn't put all this added stress on my family.
Alice studied my expression then quietly said, "Jazz, if you leave, I have no reason to live here. I will just follow you."
I shook my head, "No Alice. You can't do that. You can live here in ease."
Alice stood up and walked over to the door and slowly opened it. She took one step out then turned to look me in the eyes. "Jasper, I love you. No matter what you choose I will be there beside you." Then she was gone.
I hung my head. I had to choose what Alice would want, but it hurt me. How could I make a decision that would change her life? Would she really follow me? How could I lead her away from the one's she loves? I couldn't do that. It would hurt her and my whole being shied away from any thought that could harm my little Alice.
A soft knock came from my door and Edward walked in before I could tell him to go away. "Jasper," he began. "You are part of our family. It would hurt more than just Alice if you left." Then he was gone. I felt his sincerity, but it was still difficult to believe. Edward and Emmett had a connection that I could never really join in. Rosalie always loved to point out the fact that she had never once tasted human blood. She lorded over me. She wouldn't miss the inconvenience I could cause. Carlisle and Esme loved me, it was true, but they didn't really understand me. They could not fathom the things that I've been through, the way that I've lived.
As if she was the one that could read thoughts, Esme came in just then. She sat beside me and pulled me into a very motherly hugged. "I know this is hard for you honey, but you can do it. Alice believes in you. We all believe in you. You don't have to leave. We are all here for you."
I stayed there in her comforting hold for a few moments and just thought. I could do this. I've been doing it for years now. Just because the strain was getting to me, didn't mean that I could just go back to my old life style. I remembered then all the pain and hurt I went through with Maria. I didn't want that anger and pain to my companions. I compared it to my life with Alice. I have had more joy and happiness in the past few decades, than any other time in my life. I had a mother here sitting holding me, trying to comfort me in the only way she could. I knew then that I couldn't leave. It wouldn't make me happier, and it wouldn't make anyone else happier.
I got up resolved to do the right thing. "I have to talk to Alice."
Esme nodded a knowing little smile played on her lips. I could feel her relief as I ran to where I knew Alice would be.
AN: Thanks for reading! :D Reviews make me happy, and if you can tell a difference in the style, let me know. I'm not sure if this chapter is indeed different enough to tell, but if you can, please let me know what you think. I feel like I understand Jasper a little better. Expect an update here in the next few days. :-)