You knock on the door. I can tell it's you by the way you knock, eagerly, impatient, but still respectful. You would never barge into my room now, like when we were younger.
I sit on my bed, legs crossed, just finishing my meditation. I have to meditate a lot more now, thanks to you. But you don't know that. I never told you.
"Come in Beast Boy."
"I love you Rae."
I open one eye and look at the guilty man by the door. I don't even need to be empathic to feel it.
"What did you do?"
I open my eyes and mouth I shock and terror. Causing my light to explode over my head. The only light now, is that of the door with you in it. How comical. That's just how my life is at the moment.
You run to my side, and I pray that you wont see my tears.
Damn your heightened senses.
"I'm just in shock. It's been a while."
I can't see you, but I can feel your hands on my cheeks. Drying my tears.
"You don't have to be afraid."
"I'm not afraid."
"You won't lose me Raven. I'm yours."
I turn my head to look at you, or at least were I think your face is. Of course I'm afraid. That's why the whole room is spinning about now. Why my statues are melting to puddles on the floor. Why my books have exploded of the shelf. Why my window is cracked. I'm terrified.
I love you. The day I realised that was the happiest and saddest day in my life. I almost broke down the tower, my feelings where so strong. And strong feelings are dangerous to me. So I berried them, deep down like I do with rage.
But you somehow found them, and for some reason only you know you told me that you loved me too. And we became a couple. Or as much of a couple that my powers will allow.
I can never tell you I love you. When we kiss, it can only be short pecks since something always breaks. And we can never go all the way. I might kill you if we did.
But you never complain, at least not to me. You just hold me in your arms, and let me go when I need to. You hate it, I can feel it, but you let me call the shoots. Decide what we do, and what we don't do.
That's why I'm so scared. Why I'm terrified of the girl, the name, you just said. That's why you trying to comfort me don't bring me much ease.
She can love you the way you deserve to be loved. She can scream that she loves you from the top of her lungs. She can make out with you for hours and hours, and she would have let you have sex with her months ago. She won't kill you just for loving you.
You bend down to kiss me, our usual short pecks, but I give more. My rooms already destroyed, there's noting more to break. You're surprised at first, but soon give in to your passion, my passion, and kiss me back. Trusting my judgment.
I lay my arms around your neck. Pulling myself closer to you. I can feel you love it. This is the kind of kissing you always have wanted, but I never could give to you. "Beast Boy I…"
The bed cracks and breaks in two. We fall, and I land over you. I thought everything was broken, but I forgot my bed. Well at least now everything is broken.
"I'm sorry Beast Boy."
I rest my head on your chest while I try to regain my breath. Your heart beats swiftly, just like mine. You start to stroke my back. Trying to calm me down, make me feel better about myself. I concentrate on my breathing. Working on suppressing the feelings urging me to kiss you again. I don't want to hurt you.
"Well, that was fun. Are you okay Rae?"
I nod, and we get up. You bend down and kiss my forehead.
"Come on, they're waiting in the common room."
You take my hands, squeezing them reassuringly, bringing them to your lips, and kissing them. You always know what to do to make me feel better.
You lead me to the common room, and I follow. Can't do anything else. The doors open, and I make a small gasp. A vase on the table fly into the air, but Robin catches it before anything happens. She doesn't seem to see that.
She's lovely. She has grown, and gotten her forms. She's still thin, and if possible have her big blue eyes grown even bigger. Her long blond hair is even longer, and her smile is as big as it ever was. She looks like a model.
I can feel you're lust for her. I know it's not your fault, because I can also feel your love for me, and the guilt for lusting her. I know it's just you animal instincts. I know you work hard to keep them under control because you love me, and that they are frustrated that you have picked someone who can't sleep with you. But I can still feel your lust for her.
"Nice to see you again Terra."
Terra runs up and hugs me. This catches me of guard, and the vase Robin had just placed back explodes up in the air again. This time Cyborg catches it. All three look at me, but I am caught in the blond girls grip. All I can see is her blond hair. It's suffocating me.
Finally she lets go of me, and smile that smile which make me want to punch her. I close my eyes a minute to breath and calm my self down. When I open my eyes, Starfire has the vase.
Terra grabs my arm; I still don't understand why she's so focused on me, and run to the couch.
"So spill. What has happened since last time?"
"Well, Robin and Starfire are engaged."
She turns around just as Starfire fly's up and shoves her ring under Terras nose. Terra grabs her hand and really studies it. Clearly impressed. I turn to you, and you give me your usual smile. I smile back, and you come over, bend down, and grab my hand, squeezing it reassuringly, bringing it to your lips, and kissing it.
I hear I gasp, and turn to see her watching us. Her hand up to her open mouth, not quite knowing what to say or do. Then she calms down.
"About a year."
"13 months, three days and seven hours."
I turn to you smiling as you cup my cheek with one of your hands. I grab it with mine, and gently kiss the palm of your hand. The vase explodes again. I want to look, but you stop my face from turning. You know how upset I get when things like that happen.
But you can't stop my eyes from moving, and out of the corner of my eyes I can se the vase lying on the table, it's content spread all over it. It's like a flower massacre. I let go of your hand, but you don't let go of me.
"Rae, it's just a vase."
But it wasn't just a vase, was it. It was the very reason you and I shouldn't be together. Why I didn't deserve everything you where giving me.
"How did this happen?"
"It's love Terra. Just love."
You don't know how much that meant to me. A kiss on my cheek, the smile that made me terrified about how much I loved you. I had to do some meditating. I kissed you quickly, and almost ran out of there.
Later that day my emotions where under control and I was looking for you. I forget why. I just wanted your arms around me. I opened the common room door, and there you where. With her. I hid, eavesdropping. I shouldn't have, I know, but I did. I was afraid.
"I miss you Beast Boy."
"Terra, I love Raven."
"That little witch. She doesn't deserve your love Beast Boy. Does she love you back? Is she even capable of loving you?"
Terra tried to grab your arm, but you pulled away.
"You don't say anything about her Terra. You don't know what she has been through, what she is going through. You gave up Terra. You gave in when things got to hard. She never gave up. And even when she did give up, she never betrayed us. She never betrayed me. No, you don't get to say anything about her."
"You didn't answer my question."
You leaned back against the couch with your arms crossed. You stared at her, and thou you wanted to hate her, you couldn't. She had been your first love, and therefore a part of you would always care for her.
"She loves me Terra."
"Has she ever said that?"
"She doesn't need to tell me. Actions speak louder than words, and she would rather die than let anything happen to me. I know she loves me because of the way it pains her that her powers put limits on our relationship. But do you know what. I would rather have the limited relationship we have with her, than be able to have full access to another woman."
You smile. The wonderful smile you smile when you think of me. My smile. The smile I fell in love with.
"I love her Terra. I love her with all my heart and with all my being. Does it frustrate me sometimes? Of course it does. But this is the price for being with her; and I wouldn't change it for the world. She makes me happy. Happier than I ever thought I could be."
The vase breaks. It explodes into hundreds of tiny porcelain pieces. You both look at it, before you mutter out my name and run out of the room.
I wish I could have heard that last part, but I didn't. I snuck out after Terra had said; You didn't answer my question. I was heart broken. Not because of you, but because she showed me how much I was depriving you of. A life with a girl that could love you the way you deserve to be loved.
I can feel my emotions starting to surface, but I don't care. I don't want to hurt you. Believe me that was the last thing I wanted to do. But was I hurting you more by being with you, and thereby depriving you of the chance of having more?
I walk into the bathroom to wash my face, and got a glimpse of me in the mirror. I didn't look anything like her. My skin is grey, my hair is short and purple, and my eyes are violet. Ugly. Why were you with me, when girls like Terra throw themselves at you? She could give you all you deserved.
The mirror breaks, and dozens of distorted Ravens looks back at me. You're a good guy. You would never leave me, and never cheat on me. You care too much about me to do that to me. And therefore you are stuck with me. The half-breed demon that can't even show her boyfriend how much she loves him. I'm defected.
I touch one of the Ravens, and prick myself on the glass. The piece falls down into the sink, and I look at the crimson blood on the piece and on my finger. My blood. I usually heal things like that to quickly to see my own blood, but this time my feelings, and therefore my powers, are to out of control.
With my bloody finger I reach out and write the words I so long have wanted to tell you, but never could. If I did, I would probably kill you.
I LOVE YOU
Tears fall down my cheeks and down into the sink. I do. I do love you, but who I am deprives me of my right to tell you. Of your right to hear does words. You deserve a girl that will make you happy.
I grab the piece of glass and place the tip against my pale skin. Carefully at first, then as I become more and more sure the cuts get deeper and wider. The smell of blood reaches my nostrils, and the demon side of me is rejoicing. He is happy and satisfied.
It's like cutting through soft cheese with the wax still on. As quickly as you get through the wax, it's a piece of cake. The trick is just to get through the wax first.
I don't know what my powers were doing, and to be honest I didn't care. I couldn't, because then I would have to stop, and this was the only thing I could give you. Your freedom. A second chance for happiness and love. Force you to find someone who could say does words to you, without the fear of killing you in the process.
I was holding so hard to the mirror piece that my hand was all cut up, much like the arm I was cutting. My blood, much darker than I was expecting, was running down my arm and to the floor.
I felt light-headed; something I knew was from the fact that there wasn't as much blood going to my brain as before. At least I thought that was the reason, I couldn't think properly about it.
I look up into your eyes. Your beautiful emerald eyes. You rush over to my side, and I smile weakly to you.
"Terra, get help."
"Oh my God."
"Terra, get some help. Now."
I hear footsteps, but I don't care. I am in your arms, and this is where I want to die. You open my hand and take away the glass. I don't care. It has done its job. As have I. I look at your face, and get sad by the fact that you are crying. I did this for you. Just for you. So you could get over me, and move on.
You grab my arms and put them over my head. Desperately trying to stop the bleeding. I just look at you. I want you to be the last thing I see. You made me laugh. You made me happy. You gave me light when I could only see darkness. Now you have to go and make another girl laugh. Make another girl happy. Give light to another girl, who deserves you.
You take my hands squeezing them reassuringly, bringing them to your lips, and kissing them. You have blood on your face and uniform. Your eyes are puffy from the crying. I want to touch your cheeks, but my hands are too weak.
"I couldn't give you what you deserved. I couldn't make you happy."
"You stupid, stupid girl."
I can feel my healing ability trying to kick in, to save my life, and I try to stop it. I don't want to be saved. I would never have the strength to see you in the arms of another girl, and I knew I could never be what you needed. You have given me so much already; it was time for me to give something back to you.
"Don't leave me Rae. Pleas fight this. I know you can. Don't leave me. I don't think I could survive if you did. Don't die."
"I want you to be happy."
"I am happy Raven, with you. So don't give up on me."
I look up at him as I hear screams far, far away. Starfire or Terra or it might have been Robin or Cyborg. I couldn't tell. You're the only one I pay attention to. I feel that the usual pulsation of my powers disappears. My powers are dieing along with me. I might get a chance to get my wish after all.
"Beast Boy I…"
"You shouldn't speak Raven. You have lost a lot of blood."
Cyborg picked me up, and thou I tried to resist, I couldn't. I was too weak. I needed to tell you. Before I died or before my powers came back.
"I'm here Raven."
Cyborg was still carrying me, but I could sense you by my head. You were stroking me. My eyes felt so heavy, I wanted to close them, but I knew that if I did, I would never be able to tell you.
"It's going to be okay Raven. Just hang on."
"Beast Boy I love you."