Author's Note: Here I go again! I hope that you enjoy this set of humorous stories based on Bella's adventures on spring-cleaning day at the Cullen house. I own neither Twilight nor its respective characters.
"You guys seriously have a spring cleaning day?" I marveled at the thought. What ancient, unwanted treasures did the Cullens possess? I could only imagine the entertainment the next few hours would bring.
"Yes, we do." Edward affirmed from the driver's seat.
"And it only takes one day?" I queried.
"Vampires, silly," he reminded me with a laugh, and then stroked my cheek lovingly. "The family insists that you be there, to be instated into the yearly tradition."
"I'll need to thank them then," I said, before wondering aloud, "what useless things does dear Edward possess?"
"Very few," he replied, "I'm no pack rat."
"Because you're one-hundred percent perfect," I spoke sarcastically as he pulled up in front of the large house.
By way of convincing me, Edward leaned in and let the breath from his words linger near me, "Of course I am."
As I stepped out of the car, nothing quite in focus, Alice leapt off the porch with screams of joy.
"Oh, Bella, this is going to be more fun than makeovers and dress shopping and new shoes all combined! I'm so glad that you're here!" She grabbed my hand and we practically flew up the stairs. The rest of the family laughed from their positions in the hallway, and I swore that I heard Esme caution, "Alice, she's not quite as strong as you!"
But, of course, her words went unheeded.
"Try this on," Alice instructed, tossing me a green long sleeved blouse that must have cost her more than my car.
"Must I?" I complained, "The last fifty-six items you handed me didn't fit – what makes you think this one will?"
"I know that it will fit," she said, tapping her forehead meaningfully.
"Then why didn't you know that all the others wouldn't fit?" I glared, trying for at least a semblance of scary.
"I did!" She laughed her suddenly-obnoxiously-sweet giggle, "but it was so much fun to watch you try and put them on."
I grunted this time, the closest I could come to a growl, as she pulled out a box and began to fold the discarded clothes inside. I was pleased to find that the blouse fit perfectly, and I admired it in the mirror. Alice disappeared inside the closet, only to emerge a second later, carting three stuffed bags sporting designer labels.
"Oh no!" I shook my head exaggeratedly, trying futilely to get my point across. "That is never allowed."
"I didn't buy them for you!" She explained, with another silver giggle, "Edward did! I mean, I picked them out, but he approved them all and paid for them all."
"The purpose of that being?" I wondered.
"Because your boyfriend wanted to buy you pretty clothes," Alice sighed in frustration, "but that doesn't do much for his ego, so he had his shopaholic sister give them to you. Now, you associate the clothes with me. Duh!"
"Not following," I shook my head once more. She'd been speaking close to vampire speed.
"Just try them on." Alice insisted. "I promise you that you will love everything in those bags as much as you love that shirt – and don't deny that you do love it."
I slumped in defeat and didn't disagree, wondering where my beautiful boyfriend had disappeared to as I pulled the first item from the first bag. The simple denim jacket was practical, entirely my style. I noted that it would look very nice with the khaki Bermuda shorts in the bottom of the bag. Alice, super shopper extraordinaire, had once again won.
"Okay, that's the clothes done." Alice eventually called from the depths of her closet. "Let's tackle these boxes."
The first box she pulled out contained piles of sketchbooks, most missing their pages. Separating a pile for recycling, we moved onto the next box – stuffed animals.
"It turns out that Jasper's not a big fan of fake fur." She explained, holding up a soft ginger-colored puppy, "but isn't he just adorable?"
"He is," I nodded, separating into another pile all of the broken clothes hangers I'd come across.
"Take him!" She shoved the dog in my face, and then suggested, "Stay away from sharp edges. Put the stuffed toys into a box for charity."
"Are you sure Edward will approve of this highly ironic plush animal?" I asked, all the while shoving him in with the bags of new clothes. Edward wouldn't have to know.
By then, Alice had moved onto the last box – electronics, from what I could see.
"You need one of these." She said. I whirled around to explain that I didn't need anything, and that all the things that the Cullens forced upon me were purely luxuries. The words caught in my throat. Alice held a bubblegum pink Furby. It was speaking in gibberish – or Furbish, I suppose.
"He'll keep you company when Edward's off hunting," she said, shoving the miniature robot into my shaky hands.
At that moment, Jasper walked into the room and surveyed the progress. Noticing the fuzzy lump in my trembling arms, he chuckled.
"Thank goodness, you're getting rid of that thing. It hasn't shut up in years."