"You know, for someone who likes materia as much as Yuffie, I would have thought all her underwear would have materia designs all over it."
"…I thought we weren't going to drink anymore," Vincent said as he took a long sip from the whiskey bottle he had swiped from the bar.
"No, we were going to raid Yuffie's panty drawer. It just so happens that we have to be drunk before we're that brave," Reeve said as he placed a pair of rainbow-striped panties with tonberries printed on them on his head. He reached over to his own bottle of vodka and took a burning gulp.
"Pansy," Vincent ridiculed, drooling over a black pair with red lace.
"Hey, you're drunk, too," Reeve whined. "Stupid vampire."
Yuffie's panty drawer was a treasure trove. It was practically bursting with all types of panties, from cute girly ones like the ones adorning Reeve's head to the sexy seductive ones Vincent was sniffing at the moment.
"Vincent, I didn't know you were a closet pervert."
"Shut up! They smell nice," he pouted.
"Okay, Vincent, I'm cutting you off. Hand over the bottle." Reeve held his hand out to the red-caped man and almost fell over as he lost his balance. He regained his sitting position, though, and waved for Vincent to hand over the whiskey.
Vincent glared at him and held the bottle far away. "…Come and take it."
"Oh, hey! They do smell nice," Reeve said, finally registering that the ones of his head were emitting a faint aroma. "Huh! I bet she sprays perfume in her panty drawer. That's really girly for Yuffie."
"But not unappreciated," Vincent said and went back to sniffing Yuffie's underwear.
Reeve ignored him and started rummaging around to find a cuter pair to wear that would match his suit better.
"What are you doing?"
Reeve and Vincent turned around to face the owner of the voice, too drunk to have any other reaction than to stare dully at the boy. It never occurred to their inebriated minds to try to hide the evidence of their recent exploits.
"Are you going through Yuffie's underwear?!" Denzel questioned, angrily walking into the room.
"Maybe," Reeve sang.
"Get lost, little boy," Vincent said with narrowed eyes, holding on a little tighter than necessary to the little black number in his hands.
"No! You can't do this! I'm telling!"
"Now, now, Denzel," Reeve comforted. "There's no need to tell. We…uh, got permission from Yuffie. Right, Vincent?"
"Wha…yes! Yes, that's right!"
"I don't believe you!"
Vincent rolled his eyes and Reeve shrugged. It was worth a try.
"My future wife would never let perverts like you get anywhere near her panty drawer!"
Both men could only blink at what the little blue-eyed boy had said.
"Wife?!" Reeve squeaked.
Denzel nodded emphatically and then reached into the jacket he was wearing and pulled out a piece of paper with crayon writing.
"She promised me she would be my wife! I even got her to sign a contract," he said happily.
"Let me see that," Reeve demanded and snatched the paper out of the boy's hands. The words swam a little, but he squinted his eyes and the words found some solid ground to stand on. Vincent leaned in to read as well.
I, Yuffie Kisaragi, do hereby solemly swear to marry Denzel Strife when he is old enough to marry, on my honor as a ninja. In acordance with this document, I also swear that I will give Denzel all the hugs and kisses that he wants provided that he hands over all materia he will ever recieve.
And there, at the bottom of the letter, was Yuffie's signature in purple crayon. What the hell?
"Pretty good, huh?" Denzel smirked and crossed his arms pompously over his chest. "I got the girl two grown men couldn't get."
"What!" Reeve yelled.
"Don't play dumb! I've seen the way you've been looking at my woman!" the little boy accused. "Step off, perverts! Or I'll get Cloud to beat your asses!"
Vincent and Reeve advanced on the youth, an ominous, dark aura surrounding the two of them. Denzel looked a little worried and started to back away from them, but Vincent's metal hand reached out and grabbed hold of the boy's shirt front, bringing him face to face to face with the two angry men.
"I know ten different ways to kill you with a spoon," Vincent growled harshly.
"I can put you in a room with things from my worst nightmares where no one can here you scream 'please, God, no.'" Reeve threatened quietly.
"Uh…heh…h-help…" Denzel managed to whisper.
"Denzel!" they heard from downstairs. "I'm here to baby-sit!"
It was Yuffie. For a second, the three of them froze. Then Denzel's face took on an evil smile. He opened his mouth for a yell. Vincent and Reeve's eyes went wide, but before they could cover his mouth, he screamed.
Vincent and Reeve each held a hand over the boy's mouth, but it was too late. They heard Yuffie running up the stairs.
"What?!" They saw her reach the landing and in what seemed like slow motion, they watched her run up to them, stop, and register the scene.
"A-are those my panties?"
Vincent and Reeve stared for a moment and then ran back into the room.
"Grab the panties and run!" Reeve yelled as he ran.
"No, duh!" Vincent said as the two men each grabbed half of the contents of the drawer and made a dash for the window.
They didn't make it far however, as they both tripped over a trip wire and landed straight into a booby-trapped net that was disguised in the pattern of the rug.
It took them a while to get over the disorienting feeling of hanging from the ceiling. They saw Yuffie walk over with the brat firmly attached to her leg in a hug that was sure to be cutting off blood flow.
"You know," the ninja said, "I'm half tempted to play hit the piñata. You got a bat Denzel?"
"Sure! Let me go get it!" the boy cried excitedly before rushing out of the room.
Yuffie turned to glare at them. "You want explain what you're doing with my underwear?"
Reeve glanced at Vincent, who glanced back at him. Reeve knew he looked ridiculous with her tonberry panties on her head, but then Vincent didn't look much better, having taken the black pair's waistband between his teeth so that he didn't lose his favorite pair in the bundle he was holding. The two sighed and turned back to Yuffie.
"The drink made us do it?" Reeve offered.
"Which is why you two should really not drink," she concluded, taking a small shuriken from Bahamut knows where and cutting a wire to her left.
The two fell painfully to the ground in a mess of panties, net, and each other.
"Yuffie! Yuffie! I got the bat! Can I hit…aw."
Denzel returned with Cloud's Nail Bat. Suddenly, the two men wanted out of the tangled net very badly.
"Sorry, Denz. No piñata today."
The little boy sulked and hugged her leg again, keeping the Bat close at hand just in case.
"Okay! Here's the deal! You two can keep one pair, but you have to put the others back."
"What!" Denzel screeched.
"Really?" Reeve asked excitedly.
He and Vincent immediately put their bundles back in the drawer. Vincent happily started sniffing the black pair again, but Reeve started searching for one that would match his suit better.
"But Yuffie! You're my woman! You can't give them that stuff if you're my woman!" Denzel cried.
"What? Your woman? Where'd you get that idea?"
Vincent and Reeve turned their full attention on the two of them.
Denzel held the contract up to her with a pout. Reeve wondered how he had gotten it back. Yuffie read over it frown.
"I didn't sign this." She looked down at Denzel sternly. "Denzel did you forge my signature?"
The boy fidgeted nervously against her leg. "Maybe?"
"Hm. You did a really good job. It looks exactly like my signature."
Denzel nodded enthusiastically. "Yep! I practiced it all day until I got it right."
Yuffie smiled and looked flattered. "Aw, that's so sweet!"
She bent down and gave him a hug, which the little boy just ate up. Reeve heard Vincent growl and he knew there was a fierce scowl on his own face.
"Sweet? Yuffie, he forged your signature! Shouldn't you be punishing him?!" Reeve asked. Suddenly, an image of Yuffie telling Denzel he'd been a very bad boy and spanking his bare butt while he was in her lap came into his head. In Reeve's perverted mind, that was actually kind of kinky and he wouldn't mind being in Denzel's place. Damn. How much alcohol had he had? "You know, like grounding him," he added hastily.
Denzel stuck his tongue out at Reeve.
"Well, if I ground him, I can't give you any panties. It's only fair."
Reeve shut his mouth quickly at the threat and Vincent's glare.
"Yeah, that's what I thought. When you two are done in here, come down to the bar. I need to talk to you."
The two of them nodded. And Yuffie left with Denzel trailing along behind, the little brat giving them the finger before turning out of sight. Neither of the men seemed to care. Vincent, like the good friend he was, waited for Reeve to find a pair of panties to match his suit. While it seemed like a nice gesture, Reeve knew Vincent just wanted more time to smell it up.
And then there it was! The pair to end all pairs! Or something like that. It was blue satin with Cait Siths all over it! How could such perfect panties exist?
Reeve quickly yanked the pair on his head off and pulled the new blue pair on. It was a perfect fit, too! Reeve was in love.
They met Yuffie down at the bar, Vincent fingering the lacy pair in his pocket and Reeve sporting the newest fashion in headwear. She sighed and shook her head. She was going to miss this.
She cleared her throat to get their attention. When she was sure their bleary eyes were partially focused on her, she started her little speech.
"It has come to my attention that you two cannot hold your liquor. As such, Tifa and I- and Cloud cause he made me- have decided that since my wicked ways will not be deterred, we are restricting your rights to the alcohol. From now on, you get alcohol stamps."
"Alcohol stamps?" they asked in unison.
"Yeah. You know, sort of like food stamps, except for alcohol. You get five a month good for whatever beverage you want. Shots count for a third of one stamp, so chose wisely. Once all the stamps are used, you don't get anymore until next month."
The two were looking at her funny, sort of like they were hearing her voice, but it wasn't reaching their brains. Yuffie suspected it was the panties and the headband cutting off blood flow to the brain.
"Now, Tifa and Cloud…ergh, that is, the Combined Affiliates Against Drunk Reeves and Vincents, or CAADRAV, of which I am a (unwilling) member, understand that it may be hard for alkies such as yourselves to handle such a reduction in your happy, fun time. As such, we have set up an AA rewards program to instill good habits in our reformees. For every coupon you don't use, you get a nifty sticker."
She proudly held up a sheet of rainbow stickers with the message "I'm not gay. I'm alcohol free!" printed in bright, bold letters.
"I'd rather use the coupons," Reeve said, the stickers a little too much for even his bizarre tastes.
"But wait! There's more," she said as if showcasing the grand prize. "Every sticker, if worn for approximately one hour standard Pacific Time, is good for one Yuffie kiss."
Both men were starting to drool over the stickers and Yuffie couldn't help but grin. She had them- hook, line, and sinker.
"So act today! While supplies last."
She put the stickers away and watched them slowly register that the bright rainbows were gone. Stealthily, she reached under the counter and palmed her camera behind her back.
"Oh, and one last thing, boys," she said seriously with a guilty expression that had they not been drunk could have been spotted immediately as insincere. "I really should tell you the truth. It's only fair to you. Last night, I had hot girl sex with Tifa. And it was the best damn sex I've ever had in my life!"
Both men's jaws hit the floor, a little blood trickling for their noses at what were probably very naughty mental images. There was a snap, a flash, and a deep cackle. Yuffie was out the door in the blink of an eye.
"Just kidding! Got ya!" she yelled over her shoulder just before exiting, leaving the two men to slowly piece together.
"Want to find those stickers?"
"Ha! Ha! Ha! Just look at their faces!" Yuffie screeched outside the bar at the two AVALANCHE members who had come back from wherever they had went to spend some "alone time" together.
"Yuffie…you…really shouldn't have said that," Tifa said, trying to hold back the giggles at the sight of the picture in her hands.
"Heh. Serves them right," Cloud added with a chuckle as he glanced at the photo.
"Relax, Tifa. I told them I was joking. As if," Yuffie said, totally dismissing the idea of anyone taking her seriously.
"So, you did set up the CAADRAV program?" Cloud asked.
"Aw, Cloudy, you used the acronym," Yuffie teased in a sugary voice.
"It was easier than saying the name," Cloud said with a blush.
"Anyways, it's all set up," she said happily. "Even the rainbow stickers."
"Are you sure about this, Yuffie?" Tifa asked with concern. "You know they're going to save their coupons and get stickers for kisses."
"Aw, it'll be fine, Tifa. A kiss is a kiss. If they want anything more than a peck on the cheek from this girl, they have to catch me first, just like any other man."
"Why do I get the feeling that's never going to happen?" Cloud asked with a wry smiled.
She cackled again and gave him a wide, toothy grin before bidding them goodbye and disappearing off into the night with her mad ninja skills.
"Do you think she'll really give us kisses?" Reeve asked, sticking on ten rainbow stickers for good measure.
"Probably just small ones," Vincent said, adding eleven stickers to his red coat just to top Reeve.
"Think now that we've stopped drinking for the next…"
He paused to count on his fingers, but gave up when he saw ten fingers on one hand.
"I don't know, year or so… do you think we can finally get her?"
"We have a better shot than most men," Vincent said, staring at the sheet of rainbow stickers as if they were a lifeline, or maybe his last trump card.
"Yeah, that's what I was thinking."
Author's Note: This is the last chapter of this fic. It was originally titled Thinking, hence the ending bit, but it was supposed to be humorous, so I changed it to WRAVSND. I've got to be in the right mood to write this stuff, so the tone gets a little more serious near the end just because that's my usual style. All in all, it was an interesting experiment in this writing style and I hope you enjoyed this fic.