The one and only love of my heart

I sit on the hard floor of my room . Is cold – I feel that way . After today , everything seems to have no meaning for me . I mean , I hate my life , is way too complicated , is just so horrible to be like me . To never know who your heart belongs to . To never find your place in one world , to have always to choose between two people . I don't know what I am going to do . After all that I see , I really have to choose between them and it's so hard . If I choose one , I'll break the other's heart . And I don't want anyone to hate me . I see Greg looking at me when I stay with Griss ; I see Gil looking at me when I'm whit Greg . They are the two men that loves me . I love them both , maybe the same , but I really can't choose one of them .

Griss is the one that inspires me safety , a loving heart . He's a wonderful man , more amazing than anyone you can think of . He makes me feel loved , safe in his arms . Things I always missed as a child . Safety and love . Affection . I know he cares about me . I care about him too … I love him , but I don't know if I love him like a lover or like the father I never had beside me .

Greg , he's special . He makes me laugh , he makes me feel younger when I'm with him . He is the most adorable man I've ever met . So different from Gil … totally opposed to him . That's why I love him too … because he is the only person that can make my tears turn into smile every time he looks at me . He just … I thought he was just weird and crazy , but after noticing him better , I saw that he kept himself like that just to draw people's attention . That's why I feel so good with him , he's natural and happy all the time .

This is the biggest dilemma of my life . There are two guys that love me and I don't know who's better for me ? What should I choose ? Safety or happiness ? The young man or the older one ?

I close my eyes and try to think ; now I am in a relationship with Grissom , but when I see that look on Greg's face my heart is breaking , my soul is hurting . I can't stand seeing him like that . Since I announced all the lab I am with Gil , he never talks to me . He never jokes around me . He treats me like his colleague and nothing more . He just looks at me with his eyes like he is going to cry and say nothing … nothing at all . But his eyes tells me so much … the pain , the sufferance . He loves me , he told that to me several times before . But so did Griss . If I'd choose to break up , he'll be sad … he'll cry day and night and make me sad as well . And , if I would ever be with Greg , he'll; feel hurt and betrayed … but Greg , doesn't he deserve to be a little happy ?

I am only one person … and I cannot split in two . I just can't and I am not able to see my heart's wishes . I don't know what she wants . I feel like crying every time I see Greg sad and his caring heart so full of hate . I blame myself for doing that to him . It's my fault this things are happening . Only mine . Destroying the lives of two sweet caring men .

I have to think better what I want from my life … I remember Greg telling me that I make my own faith , that I hate to think more at me than to think at the others … . He was right .

I need to look at my feelings first . To see deep in my heart the true feelings that I have in there for each one of these wonderful men …

Because , if there is only one true love , then why I think I love two persons ? I need time to think and realize the real thing .

Do I love Grissom – or do I just think he's my friend ?

Or Greg – he's the love of my life or just a brother ?

There are the questions I have to find answers to .