Pairing: Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester
Summary: The way he feels inside is considered to be wrong, but he will never be ashamed. xxMMxx Don't like, don't read.
Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural, nor do I know any of the actors that appear in this fic. This is just for my own entertainment and enjoyment.
I know I shouldn't be feeling this way, it is unnatural and frowned upon in society. He is my brother for God's sake; I couldn't get any more fucked up than I currently am. I never used to be a supporter of incest, and honestly can't say that I am to this day, but I know what those people are going through. These thoughts and feelings for my brother just won't go away; no matter how hard I try to push them away.
Even now, when I should be sleeping, I can't take my eyes off of him. He is just so beautiful and truly looks like an angel while asleep; peaceful and innocent. Most people wouldn't agree with this assessment though. They would say he is too cocky, is self centered, and has a bad attitude. But they don't know my brother like I do, and no one gets to see him like this; guard down and his soul shining through. And, even though he tries to hide it, he has a caring heart.
I can't say when I fell in love with him but I believe it to have been a gradual process originating way back when we were younger. I do remember when I finally realized how I felt though. He had been giving me shit about my lack of flirting skills and I argued relentless with him over it. Only during my rant he had tilted his head and, instead of his signature smirk, he gave me this wide smile that made his eyes crinkle at the edges. I had frozen in place; feeling as though a blind fold had been lifted from my eyes. I had truly seen my brother for the first time and I realized how much I adore him; would be lost without him.
Ever since that day I have been tormented relentlessly.
I had tried to get over him; did everything I could think of. I had gone away to college; putting as much distance between us as I possibly could. I even dated as often as I could. No one could seem to get my brother off my mind though; no one compared to him. I was beginning to think I was a lost cause, but then I met Jess. She was the only one who had been able to reach my heart; I had loved her almost instantly. Besides my brother, she was the only person I had ever truly loved. With Jess by my side, I had thought I was finally on the right track, but then Dean re-entered my life and once again turned it upside down.
Not a day goes by where I don't want to express my feelings to him, but I know that is something I just cannot do. There are days I am tempted to the point where I almost confess my soul to him, but something always pulls me back. I am grateful for this though, because I know he would never understand. These feelings I have for him are forbidden and I know he would freak out if he were to ever find out about them.
As much as it pains me, I know he will never return my feelings. He isn't fucked up in the head like I am. He would never fall in love with someone who had the same blood as him flowing through their veins.
I have never been ashamed for loving him simply because there are so many reasons to harbor such deep feelings for him. How could someone help but love him? I have felt guilty for loving him though. He deserves a better brother; someone who wouldn't hold a secret lust for him. Ever since I realized my feelings for Dean, I haven't held myself in a high regard. I mean, there must be something wrong with me. I am sure some, more like most people, would call me sick and perverted. Well, I am sure that is a true assessment of me.
Despite how I see myself, I have learned to accept my sinful feelings towards my own flesh and blood. And if these feelings send me to hell... well, then so be it. I will gladly go to hell if I am being sent there because of Dean. No one is worth such a high price and sacrifice, but Dean is.
Being around him twenty-four hours a day can be difficult, but I wouldn't have it any other way. That is practically the reason why I haven't told him how I feel; I am afraid of losing him. I will gladly keep my feelings hidden for the rest of my life if I have to. I would just die if I did something to drive him away from me. I wouldn't survive without him in my life. I need his presence beside me in any way, shape, or form.
Looking down at my brother's moon lit form, a smile born from love forms on my face. I try to resist, really I do, but still I find myself reaching out and running my finger tips down his bare arm. Just the feel of his soft, warm skin sends a shiver down my spine. I know I shouldn't be doing this, is wrong on so many levels, but I just can't seem to help myself. I have never allowed myself to indulge in my desire before, and now that I have there is no way I can force myself to stop. Besides, it is just a few brief and barely there touches, what harm can it do?
Staring at his peaceful, sleeping face, I slowly lean down until I am in direct line with his closed eyes. Dealing with a moment of hesitancy and inner conflict, I lean forward and carefully place my lips against his unresponsive ones. I stay like this for a moment, moving my lips ever so slightly before finally pulling away.
Instantly I feel guilty for what I have done. I basically took advantage of my brother while he was asleep and vulnerable. That is something I must never do again; must fight the temptation at all costs. It has left me with a terrible feeling in my gut and I don't know if it will ever go away. I know I haven't necessarily done any damage, but I still feel like a fucking rapist... or, at the very least, a molester.
Despite how I am feeling inside, I smile down at my brother affectionately, and for the first time, I whisper, "I love you Dean."
The darkness is the only thing that hears my confession.