The Hallway Dialogues
A single conversation with Draco Malfoy in a deserted hallway leads to smirking, an incomplete Transfiguration essay, loads of insults and a surprising amount of snogging. Dialogue only, DHr, oneshot.

(The title is a sad attempt at a pun on 'The Vagina Monologues').

"Oi, Granger. Stop there for one second."

"Would it kill you if I don't? Now move out of my way, git."

"Ouch, I get that just for uttering a civil, polite statement."

"Uh, polite? Manners, anyone? You were practically commanding me to stop!"

"Well, it worked, so I won't complain. You did stop."

"… No, I didn't."

"May I then ask why both of your legs planted onto the ground, not moving an inch?"

"Oh, crud. You distracted me! It isn't my fault! Now, if you would excuse me—"

"I won't, Granger."

"You wouldn't dare."

"Careful where you point that wand, Granger. And yes, I would dare."

"If whatever you want to say is so incredibly important, then hurry up, spit it out!"

"Why should I hurry? I have all the time in the world. Is it that time of the month, or something?"

"I'll choose to ignore that rather … unnecessary question, Malfoy. Unlike you, I'm terribly busy. I'm only a foot over the required parchment length for McGonagall's essay; I still have loads more to write, and it's due!"

"Er, what?"

"Don't give me that expression, you twitchy little ferret."

"Okay, okay, I get your message. You want to have sex with me."

"Huh? Since when did that come about?"

"Twitchy little ferret is positively dripping with sexual innuendo, love."

"Quit it, you're a pathetic sick brat—"

"Let's just forget the whole insults thing for five minutes, alright?"

"And why should I do as you're told, you lousy, sniveling—"


"What? That was for that time you called me … Mudblood in second year."

"Hello? How about the time when someone punched me in the face in third year?"

"Oh, right. I forgot about that."

"So we're quits, Granger."


"Now can I talk?"

"Well, hurry up, no one's stopping you."

"Finally! Honestly. I was waiting a lifetime."

"If you don't start saying whatever you wanted to ask me, I'll make sure I hex you till into oblivion. I'm warning you, Malfoy."

"Ouch. Surely there isn't a need for such drastic action, Head Girl?"


"Yes, yes. Right away. The thing is, Granger …"


"It's regarding the next Hogsmeade weekend, yes."

"Would you hurry up and bring your point across?"

"Touchy, much. Okay. Uh."

"Draco Malfoy, I swear, if you don't hurry up—"

"Oh, alright, Granger. If you haven't realized … it's Valentine's Day."

"Am I supposed to draw an inference out of your rather vague pronouncement?"

"Merlin, this is so difficult. And they say you're the smartest witch in our year."

"How am I supposed to know what you're thinking? 'Oh, it's Valentine's Day.' So?"

"Well. Remember our last Heads meeting, and your whole disgusting idea of bringing a date to Hogsmeade?"

"That was not a digusting idea."

"Whatever. The whole point is, I … I don't have a date."

"Ha ha. Aren't you some Slytherin prince, or something along those lines?"

"Not funny, Granger. I really don't have one. A date, that is. And wipe that smirk off your face! Gryffindors don't smirk."

"I shall widen my smirk just to prove you that we do, you prat."

"You look uncannily like Pansy when you do that. Please, don't. Spare me the agony."

"Back to the topic, Malfoy."

"Right. Hogsmeade. Dateless, poor Draco Malfoy."

"You do realise, Malfoy, that there really is no point in you telling me all this?"

"Of course there is! Merlin, you still haven't figured it out?"

"What am I supposed to figure out?"

"Since you are so incredibly dense, I'll spell it out for you. Would …"

"I'm waiting, Malfoy."

"Damn, screw it all! Wouldyouliketogotohogsmeadewithmethen?"

"Sorry, couldn't catch that."

"Granger, you really make me want to kill you, sometimes."

"That's your business. Hurry up with the question!"

"Honestly, smartest witch in our year. What a joke."

"Are you going to say it or not?"

"Would you like to go to Hogsmeade with me, then?"


"Of course, it's for pure uh, non-romantic reasons. Yes."


"Wipe that smirk off your face! As I've said – it's only because you're Head Girl and I'm Head Boy. Not because I like you, or anything. Okay? Let me repeat. Not because I like you! Because I don't. Like you, I mean."

"Really, if you weren't my enemy all these years I would have thought your last few minutes of blabbering was positively cute, and quite amusing."


"How about 'No'?"

"Ugh, don't do that sickly sweet thing with me, either. And you still haven't replied me!"

"Let me consider."

"Merlin, you're smirking again. I'm not supposed to be smirked at! I'm supposed to smirk at others—"

"Carry on, carry on. What a perfect waste of my time."

"Well, I'm sorry. Just stop laughing at me and answer the question!"

"Patience, Malfoy."

"Oh, what the hell, Granger—"


"Wow. What was that … kiss for?"

"To wipe the immensely annoying smirk of your face, of course. I could see no other solution."

"Well … Really, Malfoy. I ought to slap you, only that—"

"You rather enjoyed it?"

"No, I didn't—oh fine, I have to admit; it was pretty fun."

"Hermione Granger, bookworm extraordinaire, enjoys kissing? And Granger, one more thing – you're blushing."

"Stop smirking at me!"

"I guess there's only one way we can rectify that, eh?"


"So, Malfoy—"


"I was thinking. About the Hogsmeade weekend – maybe we ought to give it a go?"

"Sure, Granger – only if it involves more of these … y'know, activities."

"You're insufferable."

"But you do fancy me this way, don't you? Don't you try denying it."

"What an ego you have, Mr. Malfoy."

"Say, Granger, what happened to your Transfiguration essay—"

"Transfigur – oh, crap! You just made me forget, you muddy slimeball—"



"My name is Draco Malfoy."

"Wow, I didn't know that."

"I meant, call me Draco, love. Now that we're nipping at each other's lips I figure we should start referring to the other by their names, and not by some derogatory term such as 'muddy slimeball'."

"Excuse me while I roll my eyes."

"You're excused."


"Granger! Your Transfig—"

"Merlin! Can you stop reminding me? It's what, half an hour overdue already. I cannot believe it, Draco Malfoy! You made me skip class to – to do nothing!"

"We kissed, remember? From what I know that doesn't constitute nothing."

"You make me want to blast your bigoted head off the rest of your body."

"Ah, but that you wouldn't get to kiss it, honey."

"... Go to hell, Malfoy."

Disclaimer: Insert here the usual jazz about how Harry Potter and friends are not mine.

A/N: If you haven't figured it out, bold text is uttered by the delectable Mr. Draco Malfoy, while the normal ones constitute Hermione's lines.

That was random but fun:D I've never written a purely dialogue fic before, so I hope the characters stay in character throughout, as much as possible. And, in case you were wondering, the (…) sections represent the – ah – little kissing scenes, shall we say. :)

Hope you enjoyed it! And please, review.