Chapter One of Severus Snape, Sexy Slytherin
Disclaimer: Harry Potter regretfully does not belong to me. All the characters in this belong to JK Rowling. The plot is mine, and however many other people have written Snape romances in which he "gets his act together", I don't think any of those were quite like this one. Of course, I may be wrong, as I have not had the time to read all the Snape romances on ff.net.
A/n: This story stems from my general dislike of cliched Snape romances. That, of course, is not to say that all Snape romances are cliched, or that I hate them all. Two of my favorite stories at ff.net have been Snape romance fics, (actually, most of them do feature Snape/Slytherins ;). Also, I generally have no problem with the Snape being paired with students, teachers, or new characters, as long this is done originally, and he is at least a small amount in character. Okay, enough apologizing. I am extremely sorry to any readers that will be offended when you read this. I don't mind flames, as long as they are constructive. I do apologize if most of the characters seem out of character, but I did most of this on purpose. Keep in mind, the genre of this story is humor. Oh well, enjoy dear readers!
A/n II: This is a REPOST! My apology to all of you who attempted to read this last time. What the heck happened??? *Clenches fist and glares at computer.* Well, I hope everyone will like the actual story better than "wordpro". Again, I'm extremely sorry.
Professor Severus Snape was sitting morosely at his desk, glaring at a bottle of Wizard's Shampoo and Conditioner. "For a new, vibrant look, try our new brand. Guaranteed to clean and soften hair." It had been "thoughtfully" given to him as a Christmas "present" by Minerva McGonagall three weeks earlier, and had been bothering him since. Insufferable woman! Severus thought to himself, and grimaced. He was tired of the hygiene jokes from the students, and occasionally the staff. Believe it or not Snape did take showers, even if it wasn't as often as most others. Did it ever cross their puny minds that perhaps my hair is naturally oily? But looks aren't everything. He began to smirk, and his sneer grew more pronounced. Look at that git Lockhardt. That man characterizes a "dumb blond."
He sighed, and ran his hands through his hair in a gesture of irritation. That annoying voice in the back of his head, representing a small part of himself, began complaining. At least people don't stand at least a meter away from Lockhardt when in public. You could stop the whispers, the insults behind your back...
As if I would care to be associated with anyone at this school. Besides Albus, that is, but he is a true friend. It's not like my state of hygiene has everything to do with the insults. Snape's sneer, cold manner, biased attitudes, and his infamous line "Ten points from Gryffindor!", caused him to be the most feared and hated teacher at Hogwarts. It's not like those Gryffindors are perfect either, however hard they pretend to be. I have better things to do than look after my appearance, unlike some.
The voice paused, as if considering what he had said. Just for one day. It can't hurt to try. What, is the rumor that you're allergic to water true?
Snape sighed, and let his head rest in his hands. All right, all right! I'll try to improve my appearance. Happy?
The "voice" didn't reply, but Severus could tell it was smirking in a "told you so" type of manner. It could be worse, Snape thought, attempting to console himself. I could be forced to tutor Longbottom. He shuddered at the thought. Thankfully, Albus is more merciful than that.
Snape snatched the shampoo bottle from his desk, and strode through his living quarters into his personal bathroom. He yanked open the shower door, and began to cough as a cloud of dust surrounded him. The white floor tiles were spotted with mildew, and rust covered the faucets. Why do I have to do this every time I take a shower? With a simple cleaning charm the stall was rust and mildew free, well, relatively so.
Snape carefully placed the bottle of shampoo, as well as a bar of soap, on a small, rickety shower rack that looked as if it would collapse any minute. He discarded his robes, which lay in a heap on the green tiled floor, and turned on the water. Not even bothering to check the temperature, he stepped under the torrent.
Slytherin's wand, it's cold! Snape rolled his eyes. It's not like I need a cold shower or anything. Oh, right, he'd forgotten to turn on the hot water. After thoroughly washing his hair, and himself, Snape turned off the water, and stepped out of the shower, grabbing a fluffy, green towel in the process. He shook his dark hair several times, causing water droplets to coat the mirror as well as the bathroom walls. Then he scrubbed his hair clean, and dried himself. Snape pulled out a pair of midnight black, silk boxers, as well as a yet another one of his nondescript, deep black robes, and a long, black cloak with a silver snake clasp from the wardrobe next to his canopy bed. Severus dressed quickly, gathered his old robes from the bathroom, and put them in a small wooden basket in the corner, where a house elf would pick them up the following morning.
The Potions Master walked over to the bedroom mirror that hung above his oak cabinet, which was filled with rare potions and ingredients, (yes, he had one of those as well as a shower, and it was not cracked), and peered curiously into it. His raven black hair was clean, and had a soft texture, but he decided he was long overdue for a haircut. Pulling out a pair of scissors normally used for disemboweling small animals for potions ingredients, he began to cut. He trimmed the ends of his hair, and brushed it towards his scalp. After careful consideration, Severus cut a few locks of hair above his forehead a bit shorter than the rest, so that they fell across his eyes in what he hoped was a "sexy" manner.
Snape once again looked into his mirror. This must be a record for number of times I've looked at my reflection. Dear Slytherin, I hope I don't become like that miserable twit Lockhardt. His skin was clean, although extremely pale from lack of sunlight. A quick spell removed the plaque on his teeth, and he attempted to smile charmingly. Needless to say, he did not succeed. Snape's face twisted, then settled itself back into his customary sneer. He attempted again. This time it looked more like a grimace than a smile. After ten minutes, the best Severus could do was not sneer, for about half a minute. All right then, I can still be sexy without a charming smile, right? Tall, dark, and mysterious...he chuckled to himself as he realized how pathetic this whole escapade was.
A firm knock interrupted his thought. Who the hell would disturb be at this hour? I didn't give any detentions today, did I? Snape paused, then began to swear as he recollected his appointment with Minerva to discuss the Quidditch Timetables for the second half of the season. Self consciously he glanced into the mirror one last time, then walked into his office, closing his bedroom door behind him. Snape seated himself at his desk, and began grading papers, or at least appeared as if he had been grading papers for quite some time now.
"Come in," he called, now composed and his typically sarcastic self.
The doorknob turned, and Minerva McGonagall hesitantly opened the door and peered inside. Her eyes roamed the office and passed by Severus. She did a double take, and froze as she saw Severus sitting innocently at his desk. Her eyes bulged slightly, and she froze. "Severus?"
Snape raised an eyebrow. I don't look that much worse, do I? He sat, waiting for Minerva to continue. She merely stood, still gaping at him. "If you're done staring, Minerva..."
McGonagall flushed, and closed her mouth. "I...I like your haircut Severus." She walked over, and sat down in a chair placed in front of his desk, eyes never leaving Snape.
I wonder if she would continue staring at me if I began pacing around the room? He rolled his eyes as Minerva sat, pretending not to be sneaking glances at him. Earth to McGonagall. "About the timetables..."
Minerva seemed to awaken from her reverie. "Oh, yes, the timetables. For the second half of the season Gryffindor would like use of the field Monday, Wednesday, and Friday from six o'clock to eight o'clock, and one to three o'clock on Saturday and Sunday."
"You can have the field from six to eight on Monday and Friday. On Wednesday take the field from six thirty to seven thirty. One to three on Saturday and Sunday is fine. Slytherin will take the field from six to eight Tuesday and Thursday, seven thirty to eight thirty on Wednesday, and six thirty to eighty thirty on Saturday and Sunday. Agreed?"
"Yes, that's fine with me. If there are any changes I will be sure to inform you." Minerva made no move to rise, apparently unaware the conversation was at an end.
What's wrong with her today? It's not because of me, is it? No...that's absurd. And yet...
"If you'll excuse me Minerva, I have papers to grade." Severus picked up his quill, and glanced at the stack of pop quizzes he had given his fifth year Slytherins and Gryffindors today.
Minerva seemed to come out of a daze. "Sorry for disturbing you. I think...I think I'll go see Albus."
Snape watched her hasty exit. Well, it seems my "new look" does seem to have some type of affect. Good or bad, I'm not sure...
Minerva McGonagall was making her way towards the Headmaster's office, muttering to herself. "Severus...don't know what happened...he looks..." She arrived at the stone gargoyle guarding the staircase. "Chocolate Frogs." He really needs to get a new type of password. All a student would have to do is name types of candy!
The gargoyle sprung to life and swung aside, revealing a wooden, moving staircase. Minerva stepped on after a second of hesitation, and after a few moments arrived at a polished oak door with a brass nameplate reading 'Headmaster's Office.' She appeared nervous, but knocked firmly.
"Come in Minerva," Albus Dumbledore's voice called cheerily from the other side of the door.
She turned the brass doorknob hesitantly, and cautiously peered around the door, in case Albus had also decided a sudden change was in order. Albus, drop dead gorgeous. She chuckled to herself at the thought. Then again, who thought Severus could be so...handsome.
Albus was sitting at his desk, feet propped up on the corner, eating what appeared to be lemon drops. He gave her a curious look, concerned. "What, do I have something on my face?"
Besides that nose...
"No," she replied.
"What a relief. Now, to what do I owe the pleasure of this visit?" Albus motioned her to one of the chairs placed in front of his disorganized desk. Parchment, quills, bottles of ink, and books were scattered across the oak surface. The only clear space was where Albus had propped his legs in the bottom left corner. Minerva sat in the hard, wooden chair Albus had indicated, feeling much like an embarrassed school girl about to confess something to the headmaster.
"Well, it's about Severus..." She trailed off uncertainly.
Albus sighed. "I know he's not the most sociable person, but after all he's been through...what has he done this time? Taken more than a hundred points from Gryffindor in a day-"
"It's not that, Albus. I showed up at his office to discuss the Quidditch timetables, and he looked...." Minerva paused, trying to find an appropriate phrase to describe how Severus had looked. Albus smiled encouragingly. "...sexy." The headmaster sat upright in shock, stared at her with wide, incredulous blue eyes, then began to cough loudly.
"Albus, are you all right?" Minerva appeared concerned. Almost nothing ever surprises Albus.
The Headmaster coughed loudly one last time, and massaged his throat. "I'm fine, Minerva," he replied weakly. "You gave me quite a shock. I choked momentarily on a lemon drop. Severus...sexy?"
"That was my response also. I suppose you must see him to believe it."
The shock had not left Dumbledore's face. "Sexy was the last word I expected you to use when describing Severus. I'm afraid I still don't quite understand what you mean, Minerva."
"Severus's looks have changed quite a bit. He's done something with his hair; it's clean, and the texture reminds one of silk. His skin isn't as sallow, although he is extremely pale, but this creates a nice contrast between his hair..."
Dumbledore cleared his throat before Minerva went off on a complete tangent. "Fascinating. Has anything else other than his appearance changed?"
Minerva considered for a second. "If you mean he's been caught frolicking through a field, handing out points to Gryffindor, then no. Severus is still his glaring, sarcastic self. Somehow, though, the sarcasm is almost...appealing."
Albus frowned, and leaned back in his velvet, cushioned seat. "Most interesting. Thank you for informing me. I will consider this new development most carefully." Albus sighed, suddenly tired, and made a gesture in the general direction of the door. "Good night Minerva." His eyes twinkled, and he appeared amused. "Pleasent dreams."
"Good night Albus," Minerva replied stiffly as she rose from the chair. See, that wasn't too difficult, she thought as she turned the brass doorknob. Poor Albus nearly had a heart attack when I told him. Even Sibyl never "predicted" something like this. I am extremely curious to see the school's reaction. Her mouth perked upwards in a slight smile. That will be something worth seeing.
After Minerva had left, Albus let his chin rest tiredly in his hands, elbows upon the desk. He began to message his throbbing temples. The Headmaster had enough to worry about with Voldemort having risen, that idiot Fudge at the ministry, having to run Hogwarts, and now Minerva had brought him extremely alarming news. Well, at least he had been forewarned. Albus smiled to himself. This will better enhance my reputation of knowing everything that happens in the castle. While it was impossible to know everything that was going on in Hogwarts, Albus knew a great deal more than most.
Now, should I go visit Severus or not? Perhaps I shouldn't, poor Sev will have enough people ogling at him tomorrow. Albus removed his half moon spectacles, and placed them in front of him on the desk, rubbing his tired eyes. Suddenly, an odd smile lit Dumbledore's face. Severus Snape, sexy...who would have thought?
A/n II: I promise, it will be more humor based next chapter. So...did you like it? Hate it? Think I should go jump off a remote bridge somewhere? It was a lot of fun to write, and I hope none of you take this personally. It wasn't meant to be. I love dear Severus, but he is too easy to make fun of...^_^.
Tune in next chapter for: Hogwart's reaction, Potions classes, Snape groupies, and a meeting with our favorite Dark Lord, Voldemort!