Zelda My Date With Zelda

(soooooo not what you think)

***

Finally, a normal fic...NOT!!!!!

~DED
***

Damn.

It's hot today.

It's usually not hot in Kokori, but today...man, it's frickin hot. And I don't have a fan.

Hmmm...how can I cool off...Ah ha! I have a freezer.

I'll just climb into the freezer.

***

Man, it's too firggin' cold. Maybe that wasn't such a good idea. I know!

***

I'll give myself a sponge bath with some frozen peas. Peas are good. I like them. Maybe when I'm done sponging myself with them I'll microwave them. I like mashing them into a paste.

*ding dong*

Hmmm? What was that? Someone's at the door!

Frickin hell, I'm wearing a bag of peas.

(opens door)

Hi there.

Why am I naked and holding a bag of peas?

Don't ask.

Oh, you're the mailman. A letter for me? Wow!

***

I put on some clothes. That was smart of me. Though the peas felt soooooooo good...mmmmmmmm...

Let's see what that letter is.

Ohmigosh! An invitation to a DATE! With ZELDA! WHOHOOO! "You are cordially invited to an evening at the Glittering Crystal, courtesy of the Royal Family. Yours, Zelda."

Cool!

"Cordially." Hmm. What does that mean? "Cordially." Core. Ja. Lee. Hmmm. I'd better wear a tie.

***

God, I never realized how far away Hyrule Market Town is. Crud. My butt hurts. This saddle is uncomfortable.

Ah. Here we are.

"Hello."

"Hello."

"I need a suit."

"Ok, you come here and I'll fit you."

Fit me? Whoa. What is that? Is it painful? Can I have an anestectic?

"Ok, we need to take your waistline."

Hey...he's tying me up with a rope!

"Ok, inseam."

Inseam? Is that what I think it is? Eep...

"Ok, now your..."

He stood up.

"Ooooch!"

Hey, you're still holding the ruler! Do you know how sensitive that...uhh...area is?

"Sorry."

***

I've got a suit. Great. Now to get it home.

Hmm. I got dress shoes. They are nice. And black. Nice and black.

Hey, one's missing.

Now I know why we find one shoe on the side of the road.

***

Hmmm. I have to get ready. Let me see here. I need underwear. Can't go on a date without underwear.

I open my underwear drawer.

Crap.

Crap crap crap.

I ONLY HAVE ONE LAST PAIR OF UNDERWEAR!!!

And it's..._that_ one.

Naaah. It's just a _little_ problem. She'll never find out...will she?

It won't go _that_ far...although I always really hoped...

***

I'm riding to that restaurant. This suit is itchy. It's rubbing my...umm...inmentionable organs. God, I've gotta scratch. Real bad.

Ooooh yeaaaaaaah...much better. I wish I had one of those three-pronged garden things. That wound feel soooooo good.

***

Oooh. What a fancy place. It's got these tiki torches out front. And valet parking! They park your horse for you!

Sweet.

Ya know what? I wish horses were more like cars. I wish Epona had a cupholder.

Hella cool!

I could take my coffee to work with me.

I'll have to try that sometime.

Whoa. Here comes a carriage. It's carrying...Zelda! Ooooh...look at that dress! And that hair!

(romantic music plays in Link's brain)

(Zelda's hair blows around in slo-mo)

Damn. It's like a shampoo commercial. Or a makeup ad.

But the most arousing thing...

Those eyebrows.

She's got sexy eyebrows. They're all green. Green is my favorite color. They turn me on.

Now she's walking over to me.

"Link, you look wonderful!"

Is that a compliment?

"So do you..."

That worked. I think.

***
Hmmm. What to get. There are so many things to choose from. What the hell are all these entrees? I think I'll get "Frennel Cucumber Chicken Clam Corn Maranaira Baste Broil Reduction."

God, can I see the children's menu?

***

Zelda looks nice. I hope I'm not staring at her eyebrows too much. This suit is so itchy. I really gotta itch down there! What can I do?

I try to scratch.

Zelda looks at me funny.

I stop.

How am I gonna survive?

***

Oh good, my food is here. Zelda's eyebrows even look hot when she eats.

What IS this stuff?

It's like a big blob of junk covered in pasta sauce.

Let me test and see if it kills me.

Hmm...

Hey! This stuff is delish!

I'll try some more.

And more.

***

Zelda's looking at me funny again. That was good unidentifiable substance covered in pasta sauce. I'll eat some more.

(*scarf chew chew chomp slurp lick lick*)

Zelda's looking at me the way she did when I swallowed her estrogen pills.

They were nasty.

Fucking hell, I spilled tomato sauce on my suit.

***

GOD, how long does it take for her to eat?

This suit is reeeeeeally itchy. Must...resist...urge...to...scratch...

RRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!

I hope Zelda doesn't notice this.

(scratch scratch scratch)

Aaaah....relief.

***

Well, time to go.

"Link, do you want to come back to the castle?"

WOULD I?

"All righty!"

God I feel like an idiot.

***

Zelda is on my back and I'm riding Epona.

No Epona. Not now.

Please not now!

Not on her fucking LAWN!

Ewwwwww!

(*plop*)

"He heh...oops..."

***

Zelda dims the lights and sits next to me.

Yes!

Score!

"Link, you are as smart as tree stump and have the maturity of a six-year-old."

Huh?

"But I love you anyway."

Much better.

Kissy kissy.

***

Later:

No...please no...don't...

I thought I'd never say that.

NO ZELDA DON'T TAKE OFF MY PANTS!!!

God, I can't belive I just thought that.

Can I take a rain check?

Can we rescedule this?

Please?

She's unzipping them.

Here it comes.

***

"Link, do you always wear tye-dyed underwear?"

No.

"Ummmm..."

Real profoundly.

And that was my date with Zelda.