My Life with Zelda
Chapter 4: Höm Imprüvmintz
Playing air guitar is like masturbation. Everyone does it, and anyone who denies doing it is lying, and no one likes talking about doing it. Doing it in mixed company is inappropriate. And once you start it's very difficult to stop.
The parallels are staggering.
I actually don't like playing air guitar. I don't play guitar. I would rather play air ocarina.
I try, but it's hard. I keep dropping my air ocarina and breaking it into air shrapnel.
Fortunately the real Ocarina of Time can't break. I dropped it on the ground, like, a hundred times, and it never broke.
Breaking things is one of my undeniable talents. Like, this one time? Zelda and I were comparing Triforce pieces. Mine is the Triforce of Courage, and I like, polish it every day. It's all big and shiny and cool. I can see my ever-handsome face in it.
That's what's funny about me. Zelda says I'm "inexplicably sexy." I haven't the faintest clue what that's supposed to mean, but it only makes me love her more.
So anyway Zelda has the Triforce of Wisdom, and she like, never polishes it, and it smells like old library books. I bet she can't see her inexplicably-sexy face in hers. So I get into this little macho kinda contest thing, you know, "my magical artifact is bigger than YOUR magical artifact" kinda deeley.
So then I grab Zelda by the arm, to compare sizes of Magical Artifacts, and lo and behold, she gets MAD at me! It's not like I was rubbing it in or anything. I was simply trying to show her the benefits of proper Triforce maintenance.
The fact that her forearm was all red and hurty for a week afterward dimly registers as having something to do with her upsetion, though.
Glory halleylooya, I've made up another word!
Let's do the "Link Roxors" dance.
DJ Link, rocks the house, DJ Link, rocks the house, DJ Link, rocks the house, rocks the house, rocks the house, rocks the house, ROKKIT!
Sorry. Excuse me. It's just that I love it when I figure out a word that doesn't exist when it should. Like, "assimmolation." Basically its how I feel when I ride Epona for too long. And what's great is that it's actually a homophobe, or a homognome, or homograph, or something, like, one of those words that sounds the same as another word but is different. Also "carrotstickler." I'm a carrotstickler. That is, I'm a big stickler when it comes to carrot sticks. Each carrot stick must be cut and washed to perfection, totally organically made without any pesticides or GMO's. Yep, I'm a big stickler for carrot sticks all right. I mean, I've got a stickle as thick around as your arm and just as long.
Okay, better stop, I could go on all day.
Just a few more.
Intrestitude. When you're not really interested, so you put on the "attitude" of being "interested."
Freudlulent. Acting like Sigmund Freud.
Embiggle. Skulkify. Reconstitubular.
Don't those at least SOUND like real words? And they're NOT! Isn't that just frabjous?
Just thinking now I got another one. Balonophone. It's when you use a word when you know it's not true but want to say it anyway just because, like if you were saying something that's clearly just a bunch of baloney. Like something that obviously isn't true, like, "You shouldn't ride your horse with underwear on your head," or "Maybe a gas-powered motorized drinking straw isn't such a good idea," or even "Link, I think you've had enough to drink."
Waitaminnit again. Fully three-eights of that last sentance rhymed with itself! WOOT!
Hey! Did you know that if you count to 3 on your fingers you get your middle finger on one hand, and if you count to 8 you get the middle finger on the OTHER hand? One time in preschool I ended up giving the teacher the finger trying to count to ten and it was FUNNY!
So anyway Zelda wants to take me shopping. I think that was my original point. Unless it was about air guitar/masturbation string theory. But if that was the point then I've made it, I guess. Just to be safe, and not make extra points that don't need to be said, I'm going to stop here.
OH WAIT! CRAPCRAPCRAPCRAP! The original point WAS to go shopping. That was embarrassing.
So anyway Zelda wants me to go shopping with her. She has something called "fashion sense." I guess she got bitten by a radioactive blouse or something, and gained superpowers. I don't think she gained the strength and speed of a garment, though. So whenever she sees me, her fashion senses tingle, and she says I need to get a new wardrobe.
What in the holy hell is "wardrobe" supposed to mean? It sounds like some kind of deadly super-weapon. "Achteevate zee Vardrobe! Mwahahahahaha!" Let me look it up.
Okay, I'm back. A wardrobe is a large cabinet in which one puts clothes. She wants me to get a new, better clothes cabinet? I don't have one to begin with! I guess having one would be an improvement on not having one. Or maybe not. It could be really heavy.
Anyhow, I'm going to go to her house now so we can leave. Don't touch my stuff.
Well, here I am. DAYum, it's big. And marble. If I had a diner I'd call it the Big n' Marble. It'd be big. And marble. As implied by its name. I don't really know what I'd serve. Maybe marbles.
Why the blue fuck are they called "marbles" if they're made out of goddamn GLASS? WHY? WHY? WHY MUST YOU TORMENT ME? IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTT MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKES NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO SENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNSE!
Oh, wait. I make no sense. So I'm right at home with marbles made of glass and glasses made of plastic and rubbers made of...hmm, never mind.
OH RIGHT! The door. The date. The fashion sense.
There's no doorbell. I guess it would have to be big and marble too. Imagine that. A doorbell the size of a basketball, made of solid marble. You'd need a battering ram to ring it. I'll have to ask her about that later.
There are two gigantic door knockers. Wow. Those are big knockers. They're so huge and round and heavy. Just hanging there. Wow.
They're so big I can't even pick them up.
Wait, I forgot I just barge in unannounced for no good reason. barge
"ZELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLDDDDDDDDDDDDDAAAAAAA! I'M HERE ABOUT THE WARDROBE THING!"
I hear something that sounds distinctly like Zelda's head hitting the ceiling.
"LINK WHAT IN GOD'S NAME IS WRONG WITH YOU?"
"I DON'T KNOW, I FIGURED I COULD ASK YOU!"
"WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT?"
"THE DATE THING!"
"I'M TAKING A GODDAMN SHOWER AND SHRIEKED AT ME AND I JUMPED ABOUT FOUR VERTICAL FEET AND YOU MADE ME PUT A GODDAMN HOLE IN THE GODDAMN CEILING!"
"THAT'S NICE! THERE'S SO MUCH I WANT TO YELL TO YOU!"
"WAIT A FEW FUCKING MINUTES YOU DUMBASS!"
What a nice girl.
Here she comes. She's walking down the staircase. It's like this scene in this romance movie she made me watch. Where the girl is in this huge white gown and the guy is in a suit and she comes running down the stairs, and the dress is going all over the place. It was kinda scary. But I think Zelda liked it. It made her cry. Apparently when romance movies make people cry it's a GOOD thing. According to Zelda.
That's the thing! Dames, they speak in code. They act in inscrutable ways. Their minds are enigmas. First Zelda says I shouldn't mess with the barbeque grill because the can attached to it is "flammable." I get her to sit down and explain in plain English what "flammable" means. It means set-on-fireable, basically. In fact, the phrase "set-on-fireable" is basically the word "flammable" only with fewer syllables. Or maybe more. Depending on which would be better.
Anyway, she told me that the grill was set-on-fireable, and I shouldn't mess around with it. So I didn't. Then the next day she shows me how to work a gas pump, and the sign says the gas is INflammable. So, then I ask what adding "in" to a word means. She says it means something like "not." The opposite. So then "In-flammable" has to mean "not-set-on-fireable." Right? RIGHT? So I toss a match into the gas tank. Why? Well, I don't want to hold a lit match! It could burn me! So I put it into a very "NON-set-on-fireable" place. And what happens?
That's right! IT EXPLODES! So one minute I'm standing there, getting a better grasp on the nature of language, and then, I'm in ER for about six days with second-degree burns on 60 of my body. THANKS A LOT ZEL! I wanted to give her a nice long talking-to, but my lips sorta burned off. That sucked.
Anyway, Zelda looks like that scene in that movie. Except instead of a long flowing gown she has a smallish bath towel. And she's all wet. Did she just come from the gym? Naked? The Naked Gym? HOLY CRAP ON A CRAP CRACKER THAT WOULD BE BITCHIN'! I wanna see Zelda jogging naked on a treadmill! SHEEEE-ITE!
Wait. Something's odd. She's covered with water, but her face is all red. And all the water that touches her face turns to steam. And she's quivering. And her fists are balled menacingly. And she's grunting inarticulately.
She's either having a mind-shattering orgasm, or she's angry.
"LINK YOU GODDAMN SON OF A BITCH!"
OH SHIT! SHE'S ANGRY!
"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?"
OH SHIT! AT ME!
"YOU DAMN NEAR KILLED ME AGAIN!"
"If this is about the S-Type, it's YOUR FAULT!"
"THERE'S A HOLE IN MY CEILING AND IT'S FROM MY HEAD!"
"YOU TOLD ME IT WAS INFLAMMABLE! IN-FUCKING-FLAMMABLE!"
"LISTEN YOU DIPSHIT IT'S NOT ABOUT THE CAR YOU BLEW UP!"
"It's about you smashing down the door to my house, screaming at the top of your lungs, GIVING ME A GODDAMN ANEURYSM, and MAKING ME JUMP INTO THE CEILING AND ALMOST BREAKING MY NECK!"
"CAN YOU SEE WHY I'M ANGRY?"
"Yes. You're right. I'm sorry."
See, I have part of the girl code cracked. The phrase "You're right, I'm sorry" means basically "You must become less angry right now!" Because whenever I say that to her, she gets less angry. It's mind-boggling. Also I've picked up that "Link, your fly is unzipped" is something like "Link, make angry love to the fishes." And I think "our relationship" refers to some kind of soap-box derby racecar. She wants to talk to me about our relationship, but I wasn't aware we were building one. In fact, she won't tell me where it is. I ask her, "Where's this relationship you're talking about? I don't know of any," and it always makes her upset. And when I innocently suggest we "go out back and get some of the body work done on our relationship" I get slapped sharply across the face. I still can't figure it out.
"Link...being your boyfriend is like raising a small child. Indefinitely."
"Am I a cute small child?"
She smiles. WHEW! Thank God that's over.
"Would I put up with your moronic antics if you weren't?"
She's looking at my face. I can't figure this one out either. I think it's some sort of attempt at telepathic communication.
"It's just...I have to teach you how to live a normal life. You can't figure it out on your own. And it's a full-time job."
Really? Does it have benefits?
See, just "I'm sorry" by itself is a diminutive of "You're right, I'm sorry" that means basically "I am a good person and you should not be angry at me."
"It's okay. Just add this to the list of things not to do again."
"So are we going shopping?"
"Do you want to?"
WHOA! That totally threw me. Usually she just takes me places and makes me do things. Sometimes she puts a carrot on a fishing pole in front of me, but that's it.
Damn you, carrot, you magnificent bastard! ONE DAY I WILL EAT YOU, I SWEAR! YOU'VE NOT SEEN THE LAST OF ME!
"Umm...well...do YOU want to?" This ALWAYS works.
"Not really, actually."
"Are you sure? You seem to be down to a smallish Turkish towel and...umm...nothing!"
"I...you...I won't even attempt to figure out if you were being funny or stupid. It's impossible to tell."
"You know, I have a hole in my shower that needs fixing..."
"Wait. Are you coming on to me?"
She's got me by the arm! SWEET! There are only two times when she takes me by the arm upstairs.
And I forget what the second one is.
Oh right. It's when we have to fix one of my catastrophes.
I think it's that one this time.
"You get the spackle and plasterboard and stuff. I'll go upstairs and take a look at it and put on my home-improvement clothes."
Spackle? Plasterboard? Clothes? I'm in over my head.
"Um, Zel, why don't I, um, go upstairs, and you go get the spackleboard?"
"I mean the spoard and the ackleplast!"
"Is there a gas leak in here?"
"THE SPACKLE AND PLASTERBOARD! I WANT YOU TO GO GET IT!"
"I'm not prancing around in a towel for one more minute. You can get them. Do you know where they are?"
"Yup." No. No I do not.
"Do you know what they look like?"
"Yup." No. Why don't you get them nude? What's the big deal? I do it all the time.
"Great. Meet you upstairs. I need to dress myself." No, what you REALLY need to do is show me where your mysterious artifacts of home improvement are located!
Damn. Not only do I miss my chance to watch Zelda dressing herself, I have to find the ploard and the spasterckle! Where in the holy hell am I going to find those things?
I'm going to the garage and I'm going to grab the first two remotely portable objects that I see. That always worked before.
Hey. This garage is really weird. There's something odd about it. Something... ineffable... intangible... like some fundamental element of natural order is awry. Some disturbance in the Force...the chiaroscuro is off…I've seen... something like it... before...
Think, Link! Where did you see this bizarre distortion of reality before? WHEEEEEEEEERE?
Oh! That's right! I saw this before inside a deacon's hat.
It's... duh... daaah... dar...dark! Yeah! That's it! There ain't no light goin' on in here!
Now what do you do in a situation like this? You've dealt with something like this before...just think back to college...
I was so wasted...
NO! It wasn't college. Was it...grad school? No...wait...some time...more recently...
Right! This morning! What was I doing this morning? I was...sorta like reclining on a soft surface after a prolonged period of unconsciousness. Wait...a soft surface? The floor of Zelda's bathroom isn't soft when I wake up there after prolonged periods of unconsciousness. So this wasn't my typical unconsciousness. It was...
SLEEP! Yeah! That's it! And the room was...DARK!
So what did I do?
THINK! THINK LIKE YOU'VE NEVER THOUGHT BEFORE!
If you've never thought before, then wouldn't your first attempt at thinking be really bad, and not good? Or does it mean you've been thinking, but you have to think in a manner in which you have never thought before, i.e., unprecedented, new, novel. Well, that could easily mean that you should be thinking worse than you've ever thought before, but it's always used in a context as in, "think better than you've ever thought before..."
NO! WAIT! LOSING LASER-LIKE FOCUS ON THE PROBLEM!
What did I do this morning...I was in bed...there was a beer can on the floor...right next to the Playboy issue...
I fumbled around for...the...light switch! That's it! EUREKA!
HEY! It worked. I'm a geenass.
Whoa. Zelda has one goofy-ass garage. It's, like, full of cars and shit.
Hey! There's a bunch of home-improvement project thingies over there!
Whoa. Stop right there. Awl?
It looks like a murder weapon. And I can barely pronounce it. What is it for? As far as I can tell its only purpose is to inflict severe puncture wounds.
So that's out.
Let me just drop it on the floor.
OHMIGOD OW OW OW OW OW OW! It penetrated my foot! I didn't see THAT one coming!
HOLY LIVING FUCK I HAVE AN OWL IN MY FOOT! OH GAWD IT HURTS!
Wait. Calm down. You've been through worse. Remember your quest? You saved the world! Yeah! You da man!
I must complete this quest to find the spackle and the plasterboard! Whatever those are! So that I may win the heart of the princess fair!
What is that supposed to mean, anyway? Fair? In what sense? She doesn't cheat at blackjack, yes. In fact, I don't think it's possible to cheat at blackjack.
Wait a minute.
Oh my God, there's an AWL in my FOOT!
Oh right. The AWL in my foot! Yeah! That.
Lets see. Next up we have a ball-peen hammer. I wonder what that's for. My guess is for when you're peein' while you're hammered and someone whacks you with it on the balls.
Oh good LORD! I don't even want to think about that.
This can't be what Zelda wants. She doesn't even have balls. As far as anyone knows.
This thing is a...HEY! An electric nail-shooting-gun-deeley! It's just like Lethal Weapon 2!
POW! POW POW POW! Take that, evildoers!
Whoa! It put a nail through the wall! Wicked!
PTHUNK PTHUNK PTHUNK!
Dude, this is far and away the single coolest object I've ever encountered.
OH GOOD GOD MY HAND! I'VE GOT A NAIL IN MY HAND! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Wow, I've been impaled with two separate objects in under a minute.
I won't do THAT again!
Whoa. I hope Zelda hadn't gotten too attached to that car windshield.
Whoa. That car alarm is freakin' me out, man. It, like, blows my mind.
Or maybe it's blood loss.
Wow, that's astonishingly annoying.
Stupid alarm! You get pthunked now!
Now then, I'd better get back to looking for...those...
Crap, I forgot what I was supposed to be looking for.
Hmm. What was it?
It might have been this nail-shooting thing.
But it might not have been.
But it might have been.
No, wait, it was the spackle and plasterboard.
Let's just see what's...
Iths gedding haad to ofen mah mauf.
I hink eh mai be logjah.
God dammid. Ah knew I shoulduf godden dad tetnif shod wen I had da shanz.
Bud neeulz err scary!
Waid, neeulz? Err? OH NOO! NEEULZ! RUN!
Awh. I hink I hid mah hed onna thide adda cah.
Waid! Thad's id!
If I hid mah chin reely haahd onna thida da cah, id mide unstig mah jah.
Hey! It worked!
Wooo hoo hoo hoo hoo!
We just figured out Blue's Clues, we just figured out Blue's Clues, we just figured out Blue's Clues, because we're really smart!
Break it down now!
Oh. Hello there, reader. Have we met? No, I don't think we have. You see, I was just opening my jaw, which was stuck shut. I'm Link. Nice to meet you.
What? I have WHAT?
OH MY GOD YOU'RE RIGHT! THERE'S A NAIL IN MY HAND AND AN AWL IN MY FOOT!
I desperately need medical attention!
I can't go to the hospital now! I have to find the spackle and the plasterboard!
Plus hospitals are scary.
They make you wear these dresses that let people see your butt.
As much as people deserve to see my butt, I'm afraid I can't allow that.
So I'm not going to the hospital!
You can't make me!
No! Stop! Get away from me!
Wait. I'm sorry, we haven't met. My name is Link.
Oh my God, a nail in my hand!
You know, let's just forget everything that happened in the last five minutes.
Hi. We haven't met. My name is Link.
Wait, where AM I? Oh, God, I've stepped into another dimension.
I have become unmoored from reality forever.
No, wait, I'm just in Zelda's garage looking for spackle and plasterboard. And...there's a NAIL in my HAND!
Let's see now. Here's a level. It's this flat thing with a capsule of water with a bubble in the water.
Hey! When you move the thingy around, the bubble moves with you!
Hee hee hee hee! Look at it go!
No! Must resist temptation!
So that's a level. I guess you use it to beat people and things until they're level.
Sounds useful. I'll keep that. Zelda won't mind. I'll just put it with all the other things I've borrowed from Zelda. Like that carburetor. I really ought to give her that back.
Now in Zelda's toolbox is a tape measurer. Why in God's name would you need to measure tape? Tape is usually about an inch wide and maybe 300 feet long.
Yes, 300 feet. I checked. It took me all afternoon, and I had to take this masking tape all the way across Kokiri Forest, but I did it.
So I guess that was the only time I have ever needed a tape measurer. To measure tape.
Unless they mean VHS tapes. Or cassette tapes.
Well, those are easy too. The VHS ones are like six inches by one inch by three inches. Cassette tapes are like two-by-three-by-one-half.
ANYWAY! I'll just toss that over my shoulder.
Whoa. If the nail through that windshield didn't break it enough, THAT sure did!
Here's a wrench. It's heavy.
Wait! You can murder people with a wrench!
Like in that board game! Clue!
People tell me I look just like Mr. Green in Clue. You know, the guy in a green tux who loves money. I want a green tux like that one. That is my life's ambition.
Although personally, I think I look more like the candlestick.
'Cuz candlesticks are sexy like that.
No time for that now!
Next in the cavalcade of useless tools is a screwdriver. This thing can murder people too!
So it that what Zelda wanted me to do? Murder people?
NO! It was to find the spacklething and the boarderplasty!
Let's take a step back.
Wait a second. OW! I sliced my other, non-perforated hand on the jagged broken glass of Zelda's former windshield!
Okay. Let's take a step back METAPHORICALLY. You hear me, body? Yo! Body! This is brain! You do what I say, and I release the parathyroid hormones that keep you from keeling over dead. You dig?
Okay. Let's look at the root words. "Spackle" seems to be a twisted variation of Dr. "Spock"-le. And...here's a jar that bears Dr. Spock's characteristically jar-shaped head. Wait, was it Spock who had a jar-shaped head? Did Chekov? Did anyone?
I have become unmoored from reality forever.
So here's this jar. It's my only lead, so I'll take what I can get. It's full of white gooey stuff. And it says...HEY!
Spackle! At long, long last!
"Liii-iiiink! What's going on?"
Oh, crap! Zelda! She wants her plasterboard! I've gotta say something!
"It's okay, Zelda! Just somelacerations and untreated puncture wounds!"
Ooo, that didn't come out right.
"Well, hurry up!"
Okay. Gotta hurry. Where's the plasterboard?
Plasterboard. I guess it has something to do with getting plastered. Being bored and getting plastered? What does THAT have to do with fixing a hole? As fun as it would be.
Plastered, and board. Bored, as in, a wild boar? Like, the big foaming tusk things?
A plastered boar. Huh. That makes even less sense.
"Link, what are you...OH MY GOD!"
"I'm sorry! I was looking for the Dr. Spockle and the plastered boar and I couldn't find them and it's all so confusing!"
"Not that! You're bleeding all over the place! What did you...HOLY SHIT! You have my awl embedded in your FOOT!"
"Oh, that. Yeah."
"And there's a nail through your hand! And the car windshield is smashed!"
"Okay, there, that wasn't my fault. You see, it was all the fault of the laws of physics..."
"We have to get you to the hospital!"
"...see, it's not MY fault that when an object is set in motion, it continues to move until it meets an obstruction, i.e., your windshield, and..."
"I'll call 911, you just lie down,"
"Stupid law of inertia! Stupid Newton! If I had a time machine, I'd go back in time and kill Newton so that his laws of motion wouldn't apply! But then, what if to use the time machine, I'd have to use the laws of motion? I suppose I could go back in time and kill Newton, but then make my OWN laws of motion, that would be wicked cool ones, like..."
"Link! Do you understand me? Do you hear the sound of my voice?"
"…and THAT way, I could build a rocket house, or a floating chair, or a hyperbolic soda can, or..."
"Oh, forget it. If you haven't passed out from blood loss NOW, you NEVER will."
"…and THAT'S why I say that sheep ought to have to wear diapers. Zelda?"
"You wanted plasterboard?"
"Oh, yeah. That." She grabs this white board stuff.
Hey! That was there the whole time! THAT'S plasterboard? NO WAY!
You learn something new every day.
"Now, Link, you sure you're not going to die on me?"
"Nah. I'd probably miss you and just die on the floor, like everyone else."
"Very funny. Now, are we going to fix the hole in the ceiling or not?"
"I guess we are. I don't know. You're the one who said we..."
"Never mind. Come with me."
Ow. These various puncture wounds hurt like...some kinda...puncture wound. But they can wait.
We climb the stairs. Zelda goes first. I always make her go first when we climb up things. You have one guess as to why.
Time's up. Please put your pencils on your desks and pass your papers forward.
Let's see, you think I make Zelda go first so I can..."look up her..." Oh good GOD! You people are SICK! SICK SICK SICK! The REAL reason I make Zelda go first is in case of Burmese tiger traps. You get a lot of those.
"Have you ever done this before?"
What, climb the stairs? Yeah, I'm pretty sure...
"Yeah. Of course."
"Really! So you know what to do?"
Durr. It involves motion and something I call "muscle contraction."
"I think so."
"Good. Then you can cut the plasterboard with this saw." She produces a saw.
"I can what the what with this what?"
"Oh, so you haven't done this before. Ha, good one there Link, I almost believed you were competent."
"I'm perfectly competent! I mean, I've never been a man-eating couch in my life! I'd remember if I was something like that."
"What are...never mind."
"So I need to saw something?"
"Don't you mean see something? I need to see something?"
"No, you need to saw something."
"I can't 'saw' something! A...are you saying I need to use a time machine to go back in time and see something in the past, so I'll have...saw it?"
"No, you need to use a saw, like...this!" She bends the saw backward and snaps it forward. Hee hee. I saw the Three Stooges do this. Except...theirs had the flat side forwards and not the sharp sawy side.
"Oh my GOD LINK I'M SO SORRY! Wait wait wait, don't move, hold still."
Hee hee. The Three Stooges are funny. Hm, there's a saw in my skull. That will probably scar for life.
Hee hee hee hee! I can't stop thinking about how Larry hit Curly with a wrench!
"I'll try to pull it out. Rrrr...there. Let me get some rags to staunch the bleeding."
"Bleeding? Oh, yeah. Bleeding. I've been doing a lot of that lately."
She looks around panicky-like. I don't get it, is there like a fire or something? She seems all worried. Is it...maybe...oh, it's the saw-skull thing. What's the big deal? Now, being zapped by Ganondorf's big ol' balls of darkness, THAT hurts.
How is old Ganondorf, anyway? We never talk any more.
Zelda can't find any towel to..."staunch" the bleeding. Huh. Staunch is a funny word. It's spelled all funny. Like, "staunch." It should be "stonch."
There's a lot of words that have too much word in them. Like, if it wr up 2 me, evrythng wud be speld laik this. It'd be much mor simpl fr evre1. I meen, jst taking laik ths maks me feal smartr alredy!
So yeah, have I told you about my fishing trip I took this one time?
Whoa! No time for that! Zelda's takin' off her shirt! Sexy-like!
"Here, Link, press this to your head and tie it around where all the blood is."
Huh. We've never done THIS before when we were having our mad-hot make-out sessions. Maybe it's one of those tantric positions. Those Karma Sutra people had great imaginations. Like, they call things "The Dancing Crane" and "Geese Flying Upside-Down." They'd probably call this one, like, "The Thousand Blind Monkeys."
Whoa. If that's not the name of the next boy band I hear of, I'm going to punch someone. And it most likely won't be me.
"Link, are you all right now?"
"Oh, I'm more than all right, baby..."
"LINK! I took off my shirt to save your life! You'd probably be bleeding on the floor..."
Now reeeeeeeeel her in.
"You know you want this." I rip off my shirt. You know, this is a special shirt that's held together with Velcro just for this purpose. I can rip it off like it ain't no thang.
"Now, is it hot in here, or is it just me?"
"I can't tell if you're flirting or delirious from blood loss."
"Oh. Definitely the second one. So are we going to seesaw things now?"
"Yeah, I guess we should. Although in the course of about five minutes of trivial tasks, you've managed to give yourself injuries that'll probably cripple you for life."
"What, the awl and the nail and the glass lacerations and the saw blade in my skull? Get real."
"Oh, all right. You've lived through worse."
"Darn right. Now, about the hole."
"Okay, it's over here." She shows me her shower. Hey! She never used those therapeutic shower salts that I bought her for her birthday last year. She must be saving them for a sexy night where we bathe together and I scrub her back, but tastefully avoid fondling her boobs or something, and we, like, sip champagne and light a bunch of candles. That'd be awesome. The closest thing I've done to that was when I had a sensual lather with myself, and I started, like, wrapping my arms around myself and making kissing noises and going, like, "Mmm, oh Link, mmm your pecs are so hot, mmm, I totally exist." You know, like, where it looks from behind like you're getting to first or maybe second base. Strictly to...um...keep in shape. You know, for all the hot girls that I actually do that to. Yeah.
"So this is it?"
"Well, that's a hole all right. I've seen this kind of thing before."
"Um, yeah. How about I'll saw the plaster, and you can use your amazing tallness to put it in the ceiling and spackle it up."
"Kay. What should I do while you saw?"
Nothing. Must...do...nothing. Must empty my mind. Empty...my...mind.
That was surprisingly easy.
Mind...empty. Thinking and doing...nothing. Wait. Thinking "Thinking and doing...nothing." Wait. Thinking "Wait. Thinking 'Thinking and doing...nothing." Wait. Thinking "Wait. Thinking 'Wait. Thinking...
Mind...filling back up.
Hey, Zelda's fixing a hole.
"I'm fixing a hole, where the rain gets in…"
"What was that, Link?"
Dot dot dot.
"...and stops my mind from wandering...where it will go-ooooo..."
"Hey, Link, can you..."
"I'm filling the cracks, that ran through the door, and stopped my mind from wandering…"
"You're singing 'I'm Fixing a Hole' under your breath."
"Why on EARTH would I be doing THAT?"
"Is that sarcasm or just idiocy?"
"Well, stop. It's kind of annoying."
I know, I'll concentrate on my breathing.
Uh oh, Heep I've gotten too Hoop conscious of my breath Heep ing! Now I have to Hoop do it on a Heep conscious level! Hoop.
Okay, just think about something else. Don't think about breathing...
HEEP HOOP HEEP HOOP OH GOD I ALMOST SUFFOCATED!
"Link, are you all right?"
"I'm HEEP fine. Don't worry your HOOP pretty little head."
"No, seriously. Stop that."
"I can't! I've gotten too conscious of my breathing and I can't breathe without thinking about it!"
"Yeah! I mean, every few words I say I have to pause to inhale deeply and...HEY! It's gone!"
"Thanks a million!"
So Zelda's sawing some plasterboard. There's all this white powder coming out of it. It looks like crack rocks.
Hee hee. Crack rocks. Say that ten times fast.
Okay, you're on, me!
Crackrockscrackrockscrackrockscrackrockscrack...I lost track.
HA! Crackrocks! The more I say it the funnier it sounds! I shout it from the rooftops! All shall hear the ecstasy that is CRACKROCKS!
"Link are you ON crack rocks?"
"No, I just like saying it."
"I am NEVER going to fix this hole."
"Good. We can stop, then."
"I said I'M never going to. YOU will."
"I WILL? That's...that's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me."
"Great. Just take this saw."
Bitchin'. A saw.
"On second thought, I don't trust you with a saw. I'll give you...um...safety scissors?"
"Those aren't going to work."
"Yeah, they'd never cut the board."
"No, I mean I'd injure myself with them anyway."
"Oh, forget it. I'll get the servants to do it."
"You have serv...OH YEAH! Being the Princess and everything. And they're not squirrels!"
"Um, yeah. That's great."
"Well, this just goes to show you: if something's too hard, get your servants to do it."
And so another day passes in my life with Zelda.