Disclaimer: Do I have four personalities? Not unless I got schizophrenia without knowing it… so I can't be the four lovely ladies of CLAMP!
Warnings: ANGST! ANGST! ANGST! SPOILERS!! And umm… male/male making out. And, while there's no lemon, it IS rated M for a reason people! INSANE AAAAAANGST!!!
Pairings: Kurogane/Fai, Tsubasa's best pairing (except maybe Subaru/Seishiro and the tiny hint of Kamui/Fuuma we see)
Author's note: Hi there! My first every Tsubasa fic! My work is getting so angst and depressing lately… :'(. But it's CLAMP's fault! Seriously! Isn't everyone one of their works (excluding Angelic Layer and Card Captor Sakura, and others I haven't read so don't know about) incredibly angsty? Or at least a LITTLE?!? Jeezus CLAMP, you were nice to Sakura a Syaoran at first, then you dragged 'em to Tsubasa and angsted 'em up so bad, you can barely recognize them! No one is safe! RUUN FROM THE DREADED ANGST! (heh heh! jk jk, I love it!)
Dedication: today is my first day of summer vacation! Frolic with me, fellow fans! This is part of my big vacation bonanza! Seven fics out in one day!
Knowing and Feeling
He knew what he should feel, how he should act. But he couldn't find the desire to follow through on this knowledge. After all, it was past caring for now. Kurogane had wormed his way in, now it was up to Fai to make him get out.
Fai knew his behavior was hurting Kurogane. And he knew that the ninja deserved it. After all, who asked to start caring about Fai? Who asked that insufferable man to save him?! Who asked him too?!? And yet… his heart ached when he thought of the hurt he was inflicting. It gave sharp bursts of pain whenever he saw the sad look in those beautiful – no, horrible – red eyes. Fai knew his behavior was justified, but… his heart just wouldn't stop telling him he was wrong.
Fai knew that drinking blood was a terribly disgusting and shameful act. And he most certainly knew that didn't want to drink his blood. But then, why did it feel so right? His heart would beat in tandem with the muscular man and a sense of absolute calm would engulf him. Once, he had drunk from Kurogane's neck. He had been noticing a weakening in the man's wrists – thanks to his new cursedly heightened senses – and insisted. The blonde had told himself, over and over again, it was just so his "E" could protect Sakura-Chan better, even though his heart told him he was wrong.
When he drank from Kurogane's neck, he realized it was an entirely different feel.
Fai knew that drinking from the neck was no less shameful than drinking from wrist. In fact, it was even more since it made it seem as though the two of them were close. But when his fangs – those horrible and disgusting things – pierced Kurogane's neck a jugular, it felt right. Their bodies seemed to melt together, fitting like two puzzle pieces. While the blood from his wrist had tasted coppery, this tasted like liquid fire. Once the newly turned vampire tasted it, he remember the delicious sweets and yummy alcohol he had once consumed. that had nothing on this.
It was… unexpectedly sweet. And so deliciously warm that it heated Fai's belly and the heat spread all over his body. The pulse pushed more and more of the addicting substance into his eager mouth. He could feel the beat of his heart and Kurogane's pound as one. It felt… sort of like when he used magic. Exhilarating, as if he could do anything. The blood pulsed in his veins and gave him a sense of nirvana. It would have been a wonderful feeling, if it wasn't with him, while doing that.
He knew that he should feel horrified at what he was doing, what he was… but his heart sang whenever he took that addicting blood from Kurogane. And even though his brain told him that drinking from the neck was even worse than drinking from the wrist, he still woke up, hot and sweaty, from dreams with red eyes, redder blood, and arms wrapped around each other.
What Fai knew most of all, was that he was a "child of misfortune" and thus should not, could not, get attached to anyone. Heaven forbid ever fall in love. He knew that he should keep everyone at arms length, never truly caring about what happens to them. However…
Kurogane had clawed his way into Fai's heart, and no matter what the sensible part of him mind told him, the feelings just wouldn't go away.
The rational part of mind that allowed him to keep his head in battle diagnosed his symptoms immediately; but the stubborn and cowardly part of his heart and head that made him run away refused to accept the answers.
Fai felt hot, frustrated, and nervous whenever the other man was near. His blood rushed faster, his face threatened to heat up and it was harder and harder to remain blank-faced. While he knew he should just stay away from Kurogane, and try and make these strange feelings pass with time, he…
He felt twitchy and even more nervous whenever the dark haired man wasn't in his direct line of vision. His eyes would dart around, searching for a trace – any trace – of the ninja. Fingers would tap randomly, and muscles would get tenser and tenser until the sight of those beautiful red eyes returned, and for one glorious moment, he relaxed and was happy. then he caught himself, and returned to being the heartless vampire.
The wizard knew what he deserved, and what he did not. What he deserved, and craved, was the sweet bliss of emptiness. The dark finality of death.
He did not deserve love, friendship or peace. He had forsaken his right to those when he sacrificed his brother's life in his stead. He wasn't worthy of the thing that his heart wished for most. Fai did not deserve Kurogane's love.
His heart screamed and ached for the comfort of the warrior's acceptance. The peace achieved by being held in Kurogane's strong arms. The warmth of love and searing kisses. His heart wished for this most of all, but he knew that he could never allow it to happen.
Fai walked into the kitchen, only to see the Kurogane at the table.
His breath hitched in his throat, only, this time not from hate or pain.
Kurogane was bleeding heavily from a gash on his side, and his right eye was swollen and purple. His breathing was slow and labored, as with his heightened hearing, Fai could hear the dull slosh of blood falling onto the floor, and the slowing beats of the man's heart.
In an instant, Fai was beside him, stemming the flow of blood with his bare hands. He cursed wildly inside his head, at this rate, Kurogane would die. A quick glance around the room showed nothing of immediate use, but he supposed the dishtowels could be used as bandages. Just as he was reaching for them, a hand caught his wrist.
The blonde wizard nearly snarled at the man he was trying to save. Why was he stopping him?!? Was he that much of a hypocrite?! He wouldn't give Fai the peace of eternal sleep, but took it himself?!?
"Drink. I won't be able to spare the blood for a while, so drink now."
… Of course. He was being the infuriatingly kind person he was, putting Fai before his own health and safety. Sharp prickles behind his eyes, shocked the slight man into obeying. He bowed his head, if only so those red eyes couldn't see his own tear up. He gently, so very gently, put his mouth to the wound in Kurogane's side. A relaxed exhaling above him rewarded him. Again, so very slowly and gently, he drank.
He didn't allow himself to take much, nor did he let himself enjoy the warmth flooding his veins. Soon – too soon – he took his mouth away.
"Are you sure you've had enough? I won't be able to give you any more for a while so –"
Both Fai and Kurogane were shocked into silence.
The vampire had lifted his head to glare at the ninja, but as he felt a wetness slide from his eyes down his cheek, he hurriedly lowered it once more. He was shocked, pleased, and angered by the hand that softly – lovingly – raised it once more. A tanned finger swept the tear away, and stayed there, even though there was no need for it any more.
Fai couldn't bring himself to push it away, but he would not allow himself to give him and lean toward the touch. His head screamed at him to run and leave this dangerous man, while his heart screamed at him to run towards this man. As it was, he was frozen.
Hesitant lips brushed his own, sending lighting through them and the rest of his body. Kurogane apparently took his silence as a refusal, and hurriedly backed away.
Slowly, slim fingers grasped the tablecloth and tied it around the other man's waist. It was silently accepted, but far more distant and cold than that, mesmerizing, kiss had been. Fai's mouth ached for another one of those addicting and delicious kissed, but he knew better than to ask for it. He refused to be the begging mess he had once been, a lifetime ago.
A gruff voice woke him from the painful memories of a tower, snow, and blood mixed with yellow hair.
"Sorry. I didn't mean to, to kiss you I mean. Just – shit. I'm sorry, okay?"
A blue eye surveyed the tinted face of the man before him. He had never expected Kurogane to… apologize.
Fai knew he should accept this, knew that this was the way it should be, but for some reason, his voice spoke against his wishes,
"I don't want you to be sorry."
Red eyes shot up in surprise. Kurogane's shocked face and still-intense gaze sent pleasurable shivers down Fai's spine.
Strong fingers grasped his thin wrist, and pulled him down into a warm lap.
"Stupid…" Fai muttered, hiding his slightly red face in Kurogane's jacket, "you need to be bandaged first."
Those searing lips again met him. On his eyelid, his forehead, his nose, both cheeks, and finally, Fai tasted that delectable mouth once more.
When they broke apart, the fugitive voiced his thoughts,
"I still won't forgive you, no matter what. I will never ever – "
"I'm not asking for forgiveness."
And those lips crashed down, silencing Fai wonderfully well.
He knew this was wrong, but his heart wanted it so much, it couldn't be denied any longer.
When Kurogane's tongue hesitantly swiped his lips, Fai opened them welcomingly. Their tongues clashed for dominance, exploring every nook and cranny of the other's mouth.
When they finally broke apart, Fai realized the horror he had just done. He shoved the larger man away.
He ignored the visible hurt in Kurogane's eyes, and turned away, saying,
"This is wrong. I'M wrong. I know… I KNOW… but, but…"
"Who cares? Who cares if someone thinks it's 'wrong'? Who gives a shit?! I don't! Why should you?"
"Because! Because of what I am! I'm a freak! I fucking vampire! Because of you! You couldn't just let me die?!? Why?!? WHY DID YOU MAKE ME LIVE?!?"
Fai couldn't remember getting up, but here he was, towering over the one sitting down. His head was bowed, hair covering his eye in a desperate attempt to keep the other man from seeing his emotions.
"Because I care, you idiot. You think it's easy to see you dying? Well, think again, dumb ass."
Fai's head jerked up, anger flashing in his eyes.
"Well?! What about you?!?"
"What about me?!"
"I walk in here, to see you bleeding to death of the carpet and –"
I wasn't bleeding to death! How weak do you think I –"
"SHUT UP! You say it's not easy for you to me dying, but you seem to have no problem letting me see you dying! You always take care of everyone else at the expense of your own life! Even me! Why the hell would you do that?! What – what would Sakura-Chan do if you just died?!? What – What would I do?"
That last sentence was directed towards himself, a thought that was said out loud. In that one moment, the cowardly, stubborn side of him was forced to realize one, crucial fact.
"I – I – …"
Tears – of anger? Hurt? Joy? – coursed down his face as he looked down into those intense red eyes.
"I love you"
"I love you too."
"What?" Fai couldn't believe his ears. They must be betraying him, just like everything else in his life. there was no way, he didn't deserve, no, he couldn't, he can't.
"You heard me, I love you too" Kurogane looked down, slightly embarrassed and red in the face.
Fai was once again torn. He knew he should walk away, and in doing so, save Kurogane… but… but…
"I don't care"
"You could die from being to close to me"
"I could die being to close to anyone"
"You don't understand"
"Every – everyone dies because of me. I'm, I'm a child of misfortune. My very country, my family, my entire world died because of me. You will too, I know it"
"You're being really selfish"
"what?" Of all the answers he had thought he would here, this was not one of them. but after all, wasn't that what had attracted him to Kurogane in the first place? The fact that he surprised him? It was something that had only extremely rarely happened in the past. It had been such a treat, playing with him, being surprised, that he hadn't realized when he crossed the line.
"If you think everything is you're fault, you're really selfish. Not everything happens because of you."
Fai looked at Kurogane, who was getting paler and paler due to the slow but steady blood loss. Then he looked at the door. He could walk out of here, pretend that he had never seen Kurogane in the kitchen. If he didn't help the man, he probably wouldn't survive, no matter what he said. That's what he knew he should do. But his heart had different ideas.
With one quick tug, he had lifted the larger man up and toward the door, toward the hall, toward yet another door, and into the bathroom.
Quickly, he found antibiotics and bandages, wrapping the wounds tenderly. Then he helped Kurogane to bed.
Once the other man was safely in bed, Fai hesitated, wavering between staying and going. he was just turning to leave when –
He turned, shocked by the bold statement from the otherwise shy man. That was probably not the right word, but looking at his deliciously red face, Fai couldn't for the life of him think of a different adjective. Well… that wasn't true. Sexy, handsome and yummy all came to mind.
Once again, he faced a choice. once again he was at the crossroads. His mind knew he should make the choice to stay alone and cold, but his heart knew he should make the choice to stay with Kurogane.
Finally, Fai smiled, just a tiny smile, but a real one. Then he gently sat next to Kurogane's bed, on the floor. He wanted to change, but… not too much too soon.
After all, what his mind knew and what his heart knew were two different things. He had always ignored his heart, opting instead to listen to his rational mind. But now that he was looking into a stern, but very kind, face…
Fai couldn't imagine things any other way.
TSUBASA RESERVIOR CHRONICLES END
So… how was it?!? It's my longest ever one shot! Almost seven pages on Word!!
I realize this is insanely angsty and depressing, not to mention weird and random. All I can say… is that I started this on a Wednesday and finished it on a Friday. My mind wanders! But seriously, I started this fic with a clear ending in mind, but when I reached the place to put it in… I felt like the fic was incomplete. So I kept writing… and writing… and writing… until it became this rambling monstrosity that you see here today.
PLEASE tell me how it is!