Title: Selfish and Desperate
Pairing: Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester
Summary: He can't lie and say that he is grateful for what Dean did. (Vague Summary, I know, but I don't want to give away any spoliers for the season two finale.)
Spoilers: For "All Hell Breaks Loose Part 2" and most likely for part 1 as well.
Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural, nor do I know any of the actors that appear in this fic. This is just for my own entertainment and enjoyment.
Selfish and Desperate
Sam slowly sits down on the cheap motel bed with a heavy sigh and closes his eyes. Silently, he thinks about everything that has happened in the last day or so and a frown steadily grows upon his face. He can't lie and say that he is grateful for what Dean did. How could he be grateful for getting his life back when he knows that his brother will be losing his own?
Sam wants to scream and yell at the top of his lungs, but he just doesn't have the strength to do so. In his opinion, Dean is a dam idiot. He shouldn't have sold his soul just to have Sam back. Really, what did it achieve? He knows that his brother did it because it couldn't handle being alone, but what has that sacrifice left him with? He will only have one year with Sam and then he will lose him once again. Only this time he will go to hell and Sam will be left alone.
With a groan, Sam lies back on the bed and stares up at the filthy ceiling; idly wondering how a ceiling could get so dirty when nothing but dust touches it. It is really a useless thought, but it is better than focusing on how shitty his life has become since he has risen from the dead. He desires anything, no matter how insignificant, that can keep his mind occupied.
Living with such a burden isn't something he wants. He isn't sure if he can live with the guilt; knowing his brother is going to hell because of him. He knows that Dean thought he was doing what was best, but Sam thinks otherwise. In his opinion, Dean's actions were fuelled by selfish reasons, and it is this fact that makes Sam want to throttle his brother.
What the hell were you thinking Dean? Sam thinks to himself; like he is scolding his brother right now. After everything we've done, you've finally turned out to be just like dad. I hope you're proud of yourself, you bastard!
He can't help his resentful thoughts and feelings towards his brother. Part of him is angry because he sold his soul simply to have Sam back. The other part of him is angry because he was dead and Dean should have left him that way. He would much rather be dead right now; resting in peace, than be alive and once again fighting the good fight. He is proud to keep the world safe from all things supernatural, but he doesn't particularly enjoy hunting. This job has always been Dean's thing, not his.
Throwing an arm over his eyes just as the bathroom door flies open, he listens as Dean walks past him and begins rummaging around in his duffle. He doesn't try to communicate with his brother; knowing it would just result in an argument. He is just so angry with his brother right now that all he would end up doing is yelling, and he knows that probably isn't such a good thing to do right now.
Lying there silently, he seriously considers going for a walk so he can give himself time to calm down. He knows he is going to have to discuss things with Dean, but if he tries to do that right now nothing is going to come out right. He tends to say things he doesn't mean when he is as riled up as he is now, and he also says things he would prefer to keep to himself. What is currently going on in his mind needs to stay there where it belongs. Putting such thoughts in his brother's head would just hurt Dean and he honestly doesn't want to hurt him, much less make him feel guilty. Though, in Sam's opinion, Dean deserves to feel guilty for what he has done.
"Saved enough hot water for you to take a shower." Dean breaks the tense silence; making Sam jump slightly. "You might want to take one while you have the chance."
"Well that was very considerate of you." Sam winces at the sarcasm he detects in his own voice. Yeah, no more talking for you Sam. Nothing nice comes out when you open that trap of yours! Sam lightly scolds himself.
Dean throws the clothes in his hands down in frustration and turns to face his brother. "Is there something you want to say to me?"
"Yeah, in fact, there is." Sam sits up with a determined expression on his face; knowing he shouldn't be doing this, but unable to stop himself. "What the hell were you thinking when you made that deal Dean? Are you stupid?"
Dean lets out a heavy sigh and moves to sit down on his bed. "We already talked about this Sam."
"Not really, no we didn't. Not everything was said. We didn't have the time to discuss this properly." Sam replies stubbornly. "You shouldn't have sold your soul for me Dean."
"You don't know what it was like!" Dean explodes; glaring daggers at his brother. "You didn't have to experience the pain that I did. Having you die in my arms that night... hell Sam, I died right there with you. I couldn't let you die Sammy, I just couldn't. I would protect you with my very life, and that's what I did. You can't fault me for that. You can't blame me for needing you Sam; can't blame me for being unable to just let you die like that."
Sam shakes his head; refusing to agree with his brother. If their roles were reversed, he knows that if he didn't have the knowledge of where Dean's soul could have possibly gone when he died he would have done everything in his power to bring him back. But there is one possibility in his head of where he might have gone when he died and he just can't forgive Dean for bringing him back, and in doing so he sacrificed himself in the process.
"Out of the two of us, you're the one that's going somewhere. You're smart Sam, and you have the potential to do great things with your life. You've got so many things going for you, I don't. The best thing I could do is give you another chance at life. I have never been prouder of myself for what I've done, and I would gladly do it again if I needed to. Knowing I have done my best at protecting you, that gives my life meaning. Don't you see that Sam? Can't you understand?" Dean asks; his voice has an unusual pleading tone. "You're alive Sammy, you should be happy."
"Oh I should be happy, huh? Yeah, I'm sure I have loads of reasons to be happy." Sam spits with a tone dripping with bitterness.
"What the hell is that suppose to mean?" Dean asks; a hint of hurt in his voice. "Why wouldn't you be happy to have your life back? Are you telling me you're not happy to be alive and have the chance to die a normal death, at an older age? You saying you don't want to be here with me?"
"What I'm saying is your selfish Dean!" Sam screams; stunning Dean in the process. "You were too much of a damn coward to live your life without me, so you brought me back without a second thought. You didn't care about what it cost you in the process, or what it meant for me. You were only thinking of yourself, and that makes you a selfish bastard!"
"Yeah, I'll admit that I couldn't stand the thought of living without you, but can you honestly tell me that you could handle it if I died like you did?" Dean asks defensively.
"You were hell bent on bringing me back, and you succeeded. I bet you're real proud of yourself, aren't you?" Sam ignores the question; snapping harshly at his brother.
"You didn't answer my question." Dean mutters miserably under his breath.
"Did you ever once think of me when you sold your soul to that demon?" Sam asks and continues before Dean can answer. "No you didn't! You never once thought about what I would have wanted. You were only concerned about your damn self. What I might have wanted didn't cross your mind once! It never occurred to you that I might have wanted to stay dead; that I might have been happy where I was."
"What are you talking about Sam?" Dean's asks; his voice growing soft.
"I can't know for certain, since I don't remember a damn thing, but I don't think I was in a bad place Dean. I mean, I wasn't killed by a demon or anything, so I highly doubt I was in hell. What if I was in heaven Dean? What if I was with mom? I might have been resting in peace; in heaven, and you ripped me from there." Sam explains to his brother; tears shining in his eyes. The anger hasn't left his voice; his body still trembling, but there is a distinct anguish there as well now. "The possibility of me being in heaven and with mom... it's just too much for me Dean. I mean, if I was in heaven... how can I forgive you for taking me away from there? Could you honestly forgive me if I did that to you?"
Dean sits frozen when he hears this and lets the words sink in. "I... I honestly hadn't thought of that; didn't consider it to be a possibility." He confesses in a soft tone; avoiding Sam's gaze.
"Now you see why I called you selfish." Sam spits venomously; unable to help himself. "So yeah, I'm not exactly thrilled with being returned to this hell. I know it is only a possibility that I was in heaven, but that might be where I was, and I just can't get over it; can't forgive you for doing this to me."
"God, I... I'm so sorry Sam." Dean whispers; putting a hand over his mouth with a look of shame shining in his eyes. "If I had thought, if I would have considered the fact that you could have been in heaven... I, I wouldn't have made that deal. You have to believe me Sam; I would never intentionally hurt you in such a way."
"I know you wouldn't purposefully do anything so cruel Dean, but it's still hard to deal with... just the thought, you know. I don't know if I will ever truly forgive you. This pain is all still so fresh, but once it wears off I'm sure I'll learn how to deal with it." Sam says softly, staring down at his hands as though they are the most interesting things in the world.
Things are silent between them for a long period of time, neither knowing exactly how much time has elapsed. All they know is the air between them is tense and they don't know what to say to one another after that conversation. Part of Sam feels guilty for the things he has said, but he also is relieved to have that weight off his shoulders. Dean, on the other hand, is burdened with a different kind of guilt.
He feels terrible for how careless and selfish he has been, but he also can't help feeling relieved that Sam is alive and able to be sitting there yelling at him. Of course, it kills him to think that his brother could very well hate him now, but no matter how he tries he can't feel guilty for bringing his brother back. He knows that he should, but he just can't find it within himself.
"Call me selfish if you want, or a bastard, but I couldn't let you die Sammy. I couldn't live without you." Dean finally breaks the awkward silence.
"And where did sacrificing yourself get you Dean? You're gonna be without me anyway!" Sam yells in rage. "Your going to hell and now I'm gonna be left all alone. Yeah, I can see where your selfishness came from, but it seriously got you nowhere Dean; got us both nowhere."
"Yeah, I'll admit that really sucks, but I did what I had to. I may have been selfish, but I was desperate too. You're all I have Sam. You don't realize just how much I need you." Dean looks up as he responds and Sam is caught off guard to see tears in his brother's eyes. "I couldn't stand the thought of living without you; have never felt such pain in my life. Maybe not physically, but I would surely die without you. You're my reason for living Sammy; my life would have no meaning without you."
Uncharacteristically, Dean's tough guy facade falls away, and right before Sam's eyes he dissolves into heart breaking sobs. Sam is seeing just how painful his death had been on Dean, and now he is feeling awful for yelling at him the way that he did. He is still upset with his brother, but he knows that had their roles been reversed he just might have done the same thing Dean did.
"I love you Sam, I couldn't let you die. I'm sorry, but I just couldn't let you go." Dean whispers brokenly as tears slide down his face and he tries to wipe them away with the back of his hand.
Without a second thought, Sam is off the bed and moving over to his brother. Dropping down onto the bed, he pulls Dean into his arms and almost breaks down when his brother grabs onto him; desperation radiating off his form.
"It's all right Dean, everything will be okay. I wouldn't be able to live without you either; life just wouldn't be the same without your witty sarcasm." Sam tries to lighten the mood with some humor, but hopelessly fails. "I love you too Dean. More than I probably should, in fact."
Dean looks up when he hears these words and stares at his brother in wonder. "Do you mean that?"
Sam blushes, but doesn't look away from Dean's green eyes. "Yeah, I meant it. I love you Dean, more than a brother should."
A smile slowly forms on Dean's face; looking like he just won the lottery or something. "I love you too Sammy." He whispers as he grasps the back of Sam's neck and pulls him down until their lips connect for the first time.
When their lips touch fireworks don't explode behind their eyes, nor does time slide to a stop, but for Sam this is the best kiss he has ever had. He has kissed many people in his short lifetime, many of them meaningful, but none as precious as this one. This kiss is being shared with Dean, someone he has loved since he was a teenager. They have both been waiting for this moment for a long time, and even if the kiss was awkward and rushed they would still treasure it and say it was the best kiss they have ever been given simply because it's between the two of them.
Without asking for permission, simply because he knows he would be given access, Sam slips his tongue past Dean's unresisting lips and into the warm recesses of his mouth. A moan escapes Dean's throat when their tongues meet for the first time, and he kisses back with all the passion within his soul. They take their time exploring each other; making sure not to miss even an inch of the other's mouth.
Hands grasping at clothing and skin, they finally pull away to fill their deprived lungs with oxygen. Sam slowly moves to lie down on the bed and pulls Dean with him. Pulling the blanket and sheet over them, Sam smiles when Dean gets comfortable in his embrace. Sam tightens his hold on his brother as if afraid he will disappear, and places a kiss on his forehead.
"I don't care what it takes, I'm gonna get you out of this deal Dean. I won't let your soul suffer in hell; won't let that bitch take you away from me." Sam says with so much promise in his voice.
Dean doesn't look so convinced, but he smiles the best he can and moves in to kiss his brother again. "Well just in case we can't find a solution, let's enjoy our time together. I don't want one minute to be wasted." Dean whispers softly. "I love you Sam."
"I love you too." Sam responds with a cold feeling in his heart.
They get comfortable in each other's embrace, and soon Dean's breathing evens out; a sure sign that sleep has taken him into its depths. Sam remains awake, however; watching over his brother. "I don't care what you say; I won't let you die Dean." Sam whispers in his brother's ear before continuing to just watch his brother sleep.
- One Year Later -
Sam sits on the floor, his back against the wall and staring blankly at the bed directly in front of him. His tears have long since dried up, but the pain in his soul hasn't lessened. He now knows from experience what Dean dealt with when he died a little over a year ago, and he understands why Dean did what he did. He feels as though he is suffocating from the pain; strangling the life out of him. He knew that it would be painful to lose his brother, but couldn't have been prepared for how excruciating it is.
This morning had started out like all the others. Sam had kissed Dean on his forehead before stumbling into the bathroom to relieve his bladder. It hadn't even occurred to him that this was the day the hour glass on Dean's life was to have run out of sand. He just went about his normal routine; more out of habit than anything. Plus, he had been half asleep at the time.
He had wanted to share a warm shower with Dean this morning, however, so he went back into the main room to wake him up. Sam had called out to his brother several times, but when he hadn't responded Sam instantly woke up.
He had felt numb inside as he stared down at his brother's motionless body; taking in his light blue lips and still chest. He wished to see that chest rise as it took in a breath, but knew that wasn't going to happen. It was in this moment that he had broke down into heart wrenching sobs. He had failed. He tried to save the most important person in his life, but he had failed. He had sworn to protect him; to find a solution.
Focusing his gaze on his brother, he finds it sort of ironic to see the peaceful look on his face since he knows that where he has gone is far from peaceful. He knows his brother would tell him that he regrets nothing, but he can't help feeling that it is his fault for the fact that Dean is in hell. Wrapping his arms around his body, he holds his breath to keep his tears inside, his body begins to tremble from suppression. His heart constricts painfully in his chest as he rocks his body back and forth; feeling like he let his brother down.
Rising to his feet for the first time in hours, Sam crawls onto the bed and pulls Dean into his arms; holding onto him desperately. He knows he should burn Dean's body; his brother would hate it if some demon took up residence in his body. Sam would hate for such a terrible thing to happen as well, but he just can't bring himself to go through with it. This is his brother for God's sake! He can't even handle the thought of burning someone so precious to him.
Oh God, I am so sorry Dean. You got to believe me, I did all I could. If I could have saved you I would have done so in a heartbeat. Sam says in his head as though speaking to Dean in person. I should have tried harder, shouldn't have let you die like that. Damnit Dean, why the hell did you have to go and sell your soul like that? How could you leave me here alone?
Grasping onto his brother, Sam burries his face against Dean's neck as fresh tears begin falling from his bloodshot eyes. Inhaling deeply, Sam tries to commit the scent of his brother into his memory; never wanting to forget how he smelled. All he will have now to get him through each day is the memory of his brother's scent and how bright his smile could be on a occasion; rare as it was. He also has the Impala, but still, in Sam's opinion, he doesn't have enough of his brother; will never have enough now that Dean is gone.
Lifting his face, Sam stares down at Dean's peaceful face as one of his tears lands on his brother's cheek. Kissing his forehead while running his fingers through soft hair, he whispers, "Please forgive me Dean, I'm sorry I couldn't save you like I had promised. And please don't forget me! I will always keep you safe in my heart, you will always be right there. I love you Dean, God I love you so very much. How am I going to live without you?"
Despite everything Sam did in order to save Dean, in the end he lost his brother anyway. And now all he can do is desperately cling to the only part of his brother the world is allowing him to keep.
Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh, take me back to the start
The Scientist - Coldplay