I Hate You

Summary: It seemed like a good idea at the time. …But when you think about it, how smart was it to banish someone's hate into oblivion? Thanks to Yami, Bakura must now endure a permanently perky Malik. One Shot, (BxM, Implied YYxS)

Rated: T

Genre: Humor

Author's Note: You get what I'm trying to say, right? Stupid Yami… "Let's erase the kid's hate, ho ho ho, that should be wonderful!" STUPID DIPSTICK, DON'T MESS WITH MY MALIK!!

Disclaimer: Do you really think I own it? Seriously.

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Malik used to be perfect.

Not only was he incredibly gorgeous and intelligent, but the kid had such a personality. He was like…a blonde version of me almost. Headstrong, stubborn, feisty, with just a sprinkle of bitch. So magical… He wasn't like all those other mindless nobodies who followed Yuugi and the Pharaoh around, smiling mindlessly at everything. Seriously, have you seen those guys? They'd point at a burning building and laugh at how pretty the colors were. That's how stupid those idiots were, you'd think they'd never wanted to bash someone's head through a window. I mean, I know Yuugi's made of some kind of sugary substance, Jou's brain is possibly a form of cardboard, Honda is…wait, who is he again? Oh yeah, the one without a personality. Anzu was probably spawned after a candy bar and a squirrel hit it off after a night at the bar. Speaking of 'life bringers,' where in the hell are these kids' parents? If I was a one of their dads (thank the gods I'm NOT) I'd be pissed at them for going off having crazy adventures around Japan while I stayed at home cooking processed ramen. And during a school night too!

But I'm getting off topic. Way off topic. This is supposed to be about how those drones managed to suck away Malik's personality and implant one of their friendship parasites onto his brain. Which I might add, had been totally violated, what with the extraction of Marik. How dumb are those idiots? You can't just take away a good chunk of someone's mind and toss it into space! That's called stealing! …And trust me, I know stealing when I see it, I'm a thief.

Anyway, with that stupid blonde psychopath (I use the word 'stupid' loosely, bastard DID manage to beat me in a duel after all) out of the picture, I said to myself, 'Awesome Bakura! Now you can play around with Malik without having to worry about Marik popping out and biting your tongue off!'

Little did I know how wrong I was. Marik was an embodiment of Malik's hate and anger and without him…well…

--

"Bakura-chan! You've been staring into space for an awful long time! You still have to come home and bake cookies with me! I need someone to help me break the eggs, I don't like hurting them!"

Dark brown eyes twitched at the beautiful blonde mass of stupid that clung to his sleeve. Malik was pouting slightly at him, looking nothing short of adorable with his long blonde hair tied into a ponytail. If he hadn't been blessed with good looks, Bakura would have broken up with Malik a week ago, when he had returned to Japan with a whole new persona. But for the sake of having such a good-looking boyfriend (as well as hope of beating some sense into the poor thing), Bakura remained with him. The two teens were browsing the candy section of a nearby supermarket, and the dull elevator music had caused the white haired thief to doze off.

"Malik, the eggs don't feel pain. They're eggs."

Vacant lilac eyes stared back confusedly.

"But don't baby chickies come out of eggs?"

"Yes, but the supermarket sells eggs without…ugh, chickies in them"

"How'd they get them out?"

Bakura thought for a moment, deciding the process of fertilization was too complicated to burden the downgraded blonde with, so…

"A magical egg fairy comes and poofs the chickies away so they can be with their mommies and daddies."

'In the slaughterhouse,' Bakura thought snidely.

"Oh, that makes perfect sense! Hey, after we bake cookies can we go out and help old people? I feel so bad for them, they're so aged and helpless… I know! We can make gift baskets for them! They'll have denture cream, prescription medicine, and prune juice! Oh, they'll love us so much for helping them, won't they Bakura-chan?"

"Malik, I really don't think old people would appreciate two teenagers handing them pills," the white haired teen sweatdropped, causing the demented blonde's face to fall.

"Haaah? But old people love pills…and old people love teenagers! You're so silly Bakura-chan, trying to pull my leg and convince me old people wouldn't like being helped!"

"I didn't say that, I meant-"

"Alright then, if you won't help me help old people then maybe we can pick up garbage around the city! Ooh, it'll be so much fun! We can pretend we're pirates looking for buried treasure! Tee hee…"

Bakura growled. He couldn't take this anymore! Beautiful or not, the blonde had to go.

"Malik I-"

"Except the treasure is really soda cans!"

"-don't think we should-"

"And our treasure map is really old newspaper!"

"-see each other-"

"Hey look, it's Yami-sama! Oh, I heart the Pharaoh so! He sacrificed a lot for his people and allowed my family the honor of guarding the secret to his memories! He even gave us a nice cozy underground temple to live in, isn't he the nicest man ever?"

Before Bakura could respond however, Malik had began dragging him towards their former rival, who was trying to figure out what color rose Seto Kaiba would enjoy most.

"Let's see…red is the color of love, but Seto's kind of boring…so maybe white?"

"Hi Yami! How are you? It's been so long since I've seen you last!"

Yami looked up to see an insanely happy Malik standing before him, with an exasperated Bakura lingering behind.

"Nice to see you again Malik, you're looking…well."

"Aww, thanks so much for noticing Yami-sama! I think you look really super special awesome too! I just wanted to thank you again for making that bad Malik go away. He was making me feel things that I never want to feel even again!"

The small blonde shivered and Yami placed a comforting hand on his shoulder, "No problem! I'm always happy to help the innocent."

Bakura rolled his eyes and leaned against a bag of potting soil. Two airheads having a conversation, oh boy, this could take ages to finish.

"And you're such a sweetie for believing I was innocent! Most people think I'm just a selfish meanie who wants to kill you, but they're really wrong! I'm really…just a misunderstood soul who was persuaded into hurting people by the scary part of me!"

"I know," the Pharaoh smiled, ignoring the gagging motion Bakura was performing, "And I'm pleased to see you acting like your true self. Now can you help me with something?"

"Wah, of course! After you've helped me with so much, it's only fair that I help you, right?"

"Alright then, which color do you think Seto Kaiba would like most? The red or white?"

Malik pondered for a second, tapping a delicate tanned finger on his soft lips, "Hummm…I know! How about black and blue? Or Purple!"

Yami blinked, staring at the blonde sympathetically. Without his darker half, they boy was a bit dense…

"Malik, they don't grow roses in black, purple or blue…well, naturally I suppose."

"Oh, I wasn't talking about the flowers Yami-sama!"

Bakura's attention was aroused by the sheepish look on the short Pharaoh's face, as well as the look of seriousness on Malik's.

"Oh really? What were you talking about then, huh Malik?"

The whole supermarket seemed to pause as Malik lifted a hand and gave Yami a violent slap, causing his head to jerk backward.

"I was talking about the color of the bruises I'm about to give you for banishing my yami to nowhere! And on a different note, Seto HATES roses!" Malik hissed, the familiar fire returning to the boy's voice. "You dumb ass! He wasn't the one who made me ill tempered! IT WAS SPENDING MY CHILDHOOD IN A HOLE THAT MADE ME ILL TEMPERED!"

Yami sweatdropped and held a hand to his stinging cheek, "But…But I saved you from the darkness that was obscuring your decisions!"

"YOU IDIOT! I MADE HALF OF THOSE DEATH TRAPS ON MY OWN ACCORD! Grrr, you and Bakura give me no credit whatsoever do you? If I do something bad, it must be because of Marik's influence, right? GET LOST! IF I EVER SEE YOU AROUND AGAIN I'LL KICK YOUR ASS BACK TO EGYPT YOU SORRY SONOVABITCH!"

Malik quickly turned to Bakura and pointed an accusing finger, "AND YOU! YOU WERE ABOUT TO BREAK UP WITH ME WEREN'T YOU?"

The thief backed away hastily, finally realizing that the past week had been an act on Malik's part in order to get closer to the Pharaoh…and possibly to annoy him to the point of insanity.

"N-No! Don't be stupid! I was just acting, like you were! I knew you were putting up a front and I was just playing along!"

"Don't lie to me Bakura Tokozou," Malik said lowly, "you were treating me like I'd lost half my brain, granted I was acting like it, but still, you should've figured out I was acting!"

"Well how was I supposed to know you were such a good actor?"

"HELLO? NAMU?"

"No need to yell," Bakura sighed, rubbing his temple, "the least you could've done was clue me in on this little charade…"

"You're so clueless," Malik frowned, "I wasn't just doing it to get back at Yami, I was trying to test out whether you'd still like me even without Marik's murderous tendencies."

"Did I pass?" The thief asked hopefully.

"Pfft, Hell no, you failed with flying colors. But I'll give you some credit. I would've hated me too if I really acted like that…"

"You're lucky you're such a fox," Bakura shrugged, "or else I would have tried to leave you even quicker."

"You've compared me to a flea ridden rabid canine, am I supposed to be flattered?"

"I take that back. You're a full fledged bitch."

"I know, don't you love it?" Malik squealed, undoing his ponytail, allowing his light blonde hair to fall naturally over his shoulders, framing his feminine face.

"Well, if it was between the bitch and the airhead…I'd pick the bitch."

"And if it were between you and Marik, I'd pick Marik."

"HEY!"

"But since he's gone, I'm left with no options," the blonde said disappointedly, "so I suppose you'll do."

"That makes me feel so much better," Bakura grumbled, shoulders falling.

"Like I give a shit about your feelings! Now come on, I was serious about the cookies! I'm starving!"

"Do you still need me to help 'kill' the eggs?" Bakura snarled, admittedly relieved that Malik would permanently be his spicy self despite his yami's absence.

"No," Malik blushed, "but…you could dress up as the egg fairy and help me if you really want to."

The thief face faulted. He was starting to miss the airhead…

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Crack fic, I was bored and wanted to write something, took like an hour. There was a hint about an upcoming joint fic I'm doing with dolphinabottle. Look forward to it! Oh, and review X3