Only 24 hours have passed. I lay here in the dark; ready to take my poison. Where are you?
I'm here, babe. This is weird, babe. Did you really have to kill me?
Yes; yes I did. But damn it; you're like a fire under my skin. I can't get rid of the thought of you right next to me. I can feel the rhythm of your heart underneath my skin; your short hair on my shoulder at night. Maybe that's worse than jail; worse than running that girl over. I don't deserve all this. I can't get you out of my head.
Toby, you can't do this to yourself. I'm not coming back. You've got to stop crying.
I remember being introduced to you. I didn't notice until later, but all the din dissipated. I had to look down. Those eyes of yours sent a chill down my spine; your greatest weapon.
My greatest defense mechanism as well, Toby. I hurt you. I was put in your life to hurt you.
You're dead and even then you succeed at it. I don't want to take it all back. You had no scruples; no morals. You were dangerous.
I was sin to you. You enjoyed flirting with the darkness. Could that be why you miss me now?
I beat heroin and alcohol. I can beat you.
You don't want to beat me. Or maybe you do. Maybe you want to fight my muscles; grasp and wriggle. Like on the floor of the dirty gym; bare naked and wrestling. Fighting for dominance; brains versus street smarts. My arms grasping around your abs; sneaking kisses around your neck.
Stop it. It's all a trick.
This isn't a trick, Toby. You think I didn't remember, but I do. I remember in the afterglow of the laundry room. I remember how your smile was so damn cute and boyish. I remember what it was like when you told me to go away in the lunch room because you became all prudish and acted like you didn't need me. But your cock jerked my direction.
You disgust me sometimes. I don't know what I see in you.
Yes, you do. You see the lion; king of his domain. And the one thing he can't control outside of that. You love the chase. You loved spending night after night in my arms. You loved New Years Eve; when the fighting was spent and the soul searching was done. You loved the feeling of my muscles in your mouth; the sweat and ecstasy of it all. You loved the way I shuddered as you grabbed upwards and I inserted myself into you; covering your horrid scar from Schillinger. You loved the way I looked at you.
Go away; I need some sleep.
I'm here in your head, Toby. It's all in your head.
Somewhere in my mind; Chris Keller is there. He has those eyes that look like they conquered me, like after his accident when I came to visit him in the hospital. With that damn crinkle on the sides that makes him so sexy. He's attractive and confident. He could have anyone he wanted. I never figured out why it was me.
Because you got under my skin. Now come to bed, Toby.
At first, the painkillers are unbearable. But the memories are worse. My hands begin to shake as I feel the memories begin to slip away and all the good in my heart descend. I think about my kids and how I've already disgraced them and how much more good this will bring about for them; their lowlife father gone. My head begins to sway from side to side; my roommate still lies low. At least in this place, I will go with some sort of dignity. No one telling me how I'm to die; this is on my terms. If only I could have gotten him out of my head.
I can't sleep either; waiting for you Toby. Are you coming?
Love is stronger than heroin. Love is unexplainable. It starts out as an emotion or a gift of will. It continues in nauseating waves of lust, and in our relationship bouts of spite and competition. You can see it in their eyes; hear thoughts you don't understand. You can feel the warmth of blood as you kill another for them, under your fingertips.
The waves of joy you feel just seeing them; the lonesome nights when they can't be there. The cold pillow you wish that would be warm again.
I'm sweating harder now and I can feel my heartbeat quickening and dying away. There's no light at the end of my tunnel. I'll die and enter another prison. Of the only memory that wasn't tethered to pain.
There is Chris Keller; back from the hospital. My wolf boy mutton chops bristle as our cheeks touch. His skin is rough but soft. Our room has an undercurrent we can't speak of. The past has fueled passion. Passion can be a dark and dangerous thing.
The lights go out in my mind. Chris jumps down from his bunk playfully. I can see the shadows of his crinkling eyes as he winks back to me and pretends to take a piss. I smell the day's sweat on him and I hear the familiar sound of skin bumping. I can't help myself from wanting him.
I casually jump to my feet from bed and I slide my feet near him. He turns; forgetting to zip up. I can see his shaft weaving in and out of his slit; teasing me. A few hairs poke out and I can smell a deep scent of man. One that I lack; he is my counterbalance.
Yin and yang is bullshit I mouth to myself as he descends on me. I moan when his mouth races to my shoulder. He's encompassing my line of vision; there is no prison. We're up in the penthouse I always dreamed of owning. Covers thrash around my skin.
He's grunting as he begins to kiss lower. I try to whisper about how much I need him, but all I can do is flail and grasp. I shudder as he makes contact. We're both men, but we're not gay. But we need each other. Yin and yang is still bullshit.
He toys with me as I rise and I feel that heat coming from my balls. He lies on top of my erection and tickles my nipples with his tongue. I tilt my head back to let our erections joust. He enters my mouth and slips my leg over his ass. He's all I feel and see; smell and breathe.
He opens my legs and hesitates; dangling himself above my opening and cocks his eyebrows at me. I whisper a breathless no and try to make a shape in the earth of pillow. He understood. I want to taste him tonight.
He swings around and now I can see the vertical view of his abs. He's pumping in and out of me. I can see his head dip down and I notice he's watching. His cock is a little over average and it pulses in my mouth. I can hear his groaning and purring mixing into a sound like a tiger. We're pulsating together. It's a feeling few share.
We move into one body as we cum. I feel the heat hit the back of my throat and I grab closer. It's not quite over. My eyes roll back in my head as I feel myself releasing more poison into my poison.
The cycle hasn't ended. Each night is the same demonic rapture. They don't allow this in heaven or in Oz, if that is your earth. But they can't see his eyes. Tomorrow they'll find me dead. I'm sure Sister Marie will cry. Reilly will be stunned, but he'll understand. And I'll be a memory that won't be remembered. Except by my Keller; neither of us ever leaving our prisons. But at least we're together.